We're back, and to celebrate our glorious return, we give you a Thursday Night Football special edition JaMarcus Bust Watch. All places San Diego.
7:04 pm - Let it be known that NFL.com lists JaMarcus at a svelte 260 lbs. Something tells me that's a few big macs too light. If anyone has seen dear JaMarcus tonight, it's clear he might be pushing 300. Maybe those reports last offseason weren't so inaccurate afterall.
7:10 pm - Never. Ever. Ever. Should a high school accapella group be allowed to sing the national anthem on television. This is intolerable. Though, the fat asian chick is front is making JaMarcus salivate for his favorite pregame snack, Orange Chicken from Panda Express.
7:14 pm - A question for the readers: Who weighs more, JaMarcus or Sebastian Janikowski?
7:20 pm - The answer, though suprisingly VERY close, is JaMarcus. He is listed at 260, with Sebastian listed at a healthy 250. I wonder if it drives Tom Cable crazy to know that 2 of his heavier players are unable to throw that weight around on a line somewhere.
7:23 pm - Al Davis is seen giggling with a new laser pointer he received in an envelope, with the return adress only reading "THE Ohio State University"
7:26 pm - Al is already putting that laser pointer to good use. Playing a game with himself to see if he could always keep the laser on the ball, Al's shaky hands cause the pointer to go directly into JaMarcus' eyes, causing him to lose his receiver and fumble the football. San Diego ball. Evil Laughs are heard eminated from somewhere near Dallas...
7:28 pm - JaMarcus goes back to face his coaches. "What happened, JaMarcus?" "I lost sight of the pocket, and dropped the football." "Look, you just can't drop the football. Pretend it's a big turkey leg. And your little cousin wants it. Don't let it go."
"Ok, Coach, but these footballs don't taste much like turkey...."
7:31 pm - Another question, readers. How many of the 11 defensive starters for the Chargers weigh more than JaMarcus Russell?
7:37 pm - The Raider's second drive stalls, but not before getting one of those coveted first downs. Game Summary: First Downs - 1, Completed passes -2, Hunger Level - 7 out of 10. JaMarcus is seen glaring at Head Coach Tom Cable. Sources are reporting he's imagining Tom as a large T-bone steak.
7:40 pm - Two straight false starts by the Chargers, and it seems Al Davis has found a new use for his laser pointer. When shone in the face of big men, they move. Sources are unsure as to whether Al Davis has put two and two together to find that it could actually benefit his team.
7:49 pm - To answer the previous question, right now the total is 4 defensive starters for the Chargers are heavier than JaMarcus, with Linebacker Shaun Phillips outweighing him by a mere 2 pounds.
7:54 pm - Al Davis has fallen asleep for his first of many naps during the game. It is expected that the rest of America will soon follow with the Chargers running away with this one.
8:01 pm - With that last pass, I'm seriously wondering if JaMarcus had a good coach, or even coaching stability, if he couldn't be a star. That last throw was amazing. Too bad he's doomed to such a bad organization. Also, that he's doomed to follow the Hefty Lefty in a rather short line of largely overweight Qbs.
8:03 pm - Of course, the second I start to praise him, JaMarcus puts me back in my place, throwing an awful interception to San Diego. Word is, the team caterers made a mistake, and brought the Capri Sun and Oreos for after the game a bit too early. JaMarcus got hungry.
8:18 pm - This game is getting old quick. And the ineptitude of the Raiders organization as a whole is appalling. From a 1st and 10 easily in FG range, they get themselves into a 2nd and 35 situation. Like I said, this game is getting old, and I'm gonna have to take it out, old yeller style. This watch is over. I can't continue watching this game, even if it's for humor's sake.
Goodnight everyone.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
We're back!
You'll excuse our absence—we were away for the holiday.
A quick look at our picks from week 13...
Tennessee vs Detroit: Chris, Alex
Seattle vs Dallas: Chris, Alex
Arizona vs Philadelphia: X
San Francisco vs Buffalo: X
Baltimore vs Cincinnati: Chris, Alex
New Orleans vs Tampa Bay: Alex
New York Giants vs Washington: Chris, Alex
Miami vs St. Louis: Chris, Alex
Indianapolis vs Cleveland: Chris, Alex
Carolina vs Green Bay: Chris
Atlanta vs San Diego: Chris, Alex
Denver vs New York Jets: X
Pittsburgh vs New England: Chris
Kansas City vs Oakland: Alex
Chicago vs Minnesota: Chris, Alex
Jacksonville vs Houston: Chris
Record this week
Alex: 10-6
Chris: 11-5
Overall
Alex: 114-77-1
Chris: 122-69-1
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Week 12 Postmortem
Ordinarily, we would go into more detail on the past week, but because of the holiday season (re: food), we're going to keep it simple.
Head to head
Correct picks, Alex
Correct picks, Chris
Records this week
Alex: 8-8
Chris: 10-6
Overall records
Alex: 104-71-1
Chris: 111-64-1
Head to head
Correct picks, Alex
Correct picks, Chris
Records this week
Alex: 8-8
Chris: 10-6
Overall records
Alex: 104-71-1
Chris: 111-64-1
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Barbie Watch, Week 12
Every week, Alex and Chris (out of town today) bring you the sideline antics of America's favorite draft bust, Bobby Carpenter. This week, the watch begins roughly at 12:00 CST. All locations Dallas unless otherwise stated.
11:40 am - The Cowboys are wearing throwback unis today in honor of the classic holiday season. Bobby came out in his Blues from last week. After running out of the tunnel and realizing he was in the wrong uniform, he noticed a certain other white LB chuckling to himself. "It's gonna be a good day," Bobby thinks to himself, as he schemes his way back into the locker room to change.
12:08 pm - Bobby was in on the FG block team, after rushing in 10 minutes late because of a uniform mishap. Zach Thomas is noticed, still giggling.
12:15 pm - A bad punt by Sam "Bam" Paulescu. Bobby, noticing that A) he should have been on the field, B) Zach was watching him pour ice-cold water into his helmet, and C) he could've kicked the ball better than Sam, quickly seized his opportunity to talk to Special Teams coach Bruce Reed and audition for 3rd-string punter.
12:26 pm - Bobby in again on FG block. He moped on to the field after his laser-- pointed in the eyes of Anthony Henry-- drew a clear pass interference penalty. Unfortunately Zach, who found Bobby's keyring of devices (entirely laser pointers), shined them all into the eyes of the referees. TD denied.
12:34 pm - Bobby Carpenter in on the tackle on special teams. As a juvenile joke, he's been drinking Gatorade as much as possible, so he can pee on the next guy he tackles.
No information on whether Zach is planning to punch him in the gut or not.
12:39 pm -Bobby in again on the FG block. Stood there, unable to move with a full bladder.
12:49 pm - When Zach finally figured out why Bobby was limping along the sideline, he duct-taped him to the bench. Bobby was recently spotted by Pam Oliver, soaked in his own tears and urine. The coaches ignore Bobby, citing this as "a common occurance"
12:54 pm - With that blocked punt by Carlos Polk, the entire team turns to Bobby, who, still duct taped to the bench says, "What? *sniff sniff* I coulda done that with my eyes closed"
Zach, who now feels bad, unties him. Then gives him a manly punch-to-the-gut. Just to let Bobby know it isn't over.
1:02 pm - Bobby, I believe, was in on that last punt formation. It's hard to tell, as he was swatting at something in the air, with his eyes closed. Chances are the rest of the defense was let in on the laser keyring.
1:12 pm - It's clear that, on that last kickoff, Bobby switched jerseys with Nick Folk, as the kickoff goes out of bounds at the 20. Let it be noted that Bobby is forcing himself into tryouts for other positions now.
1:19 pm - With the exception of Terrell Owens, the offense is anemic. This blogger has to wonder what is going on, as Bobby can't trade jerseys with everyone.
1:23 pm - Zach Thomas returns a fumble for a touchdown, but is incorrectly ruled down by contact by a phantom whistle. That phantom was Bobby. Zach is not happy. Stay tuned.
1:28 pm - I'm considering starting a Greg Manusky watch. Did anyone else see that BEAUTIFUL Bobby-esque mustache on that guy?
1:34 pm - After that huge smack by Bradie James, the team celebrated into the locker room. Bobby, watching the first season of Grey's Anatomy on his new iPhone, realized everyone was gone, and leapt up to join the team in the locker room, only to trip over his shoes, tied together, with a note reading, "Blow that whistle again, see what happens."
1:53 pm - Flozell false starts as a shout out to his girl back home, but it is reversed by a neutral zone infraction on the defense. Flo is not happy.
1:55 pm - Flozell False starts as a shout out to his girl back home. This time for real.
1:58 pm - Bobby is not seen on the kickoff coverage, and it can be assumed that Carlos Polk is taking his place after the blocked punt earlier in the game. Message to Bobby from the writer - GROW BACK THE 'STACHE. It's good luck. And it's more intimidating.
2:14 pm - Bobby is up to his laser pointer antics again, this time his victim is Tashard Choice. Zach Thomas, after the play, shoots Bobby a menacing look as he runs onto the field.
2:18 pm - Zach gave his best motivational speech of the year, "Intercept this pass, and we tape Bobby to the showers after the game."
Bobby is seen hiding in the stands near a large blonde woman. Confused, Zach punches them both.
2:33 pm - With the game more or less over, the defense, led by Zach, are seen getting together rope, duct tape, and placing bars of soap in socks, all the while the backups are told to stare menacingly at Bobby until he cries. This takes approximately 2:47 mins.
2:52 pm - Bobby, now standing on the sidelines right next to Wade in hopes he'll get some protection, repeats everything Wade says to motivate the defense. Wade grows annoyed, and wonders where his son Wes is. This is what quality control is for.
3:02 pm - Bobby makes his first appearance on TV on the game, on the kickoff coverage. Funny how we only see him when something bad happens...
3:20 pm - And that's the game, ladies an gentlemen. Tune in next time.
11:40 am - The Cowboys are wearing throwback unis today in honor of the classic holiday season. Bobby came out in his Blues from last week. After running out of the tunnel and realizing he was in the wrong uniform, he noticed a certain other white LB chuckling to himself. "It's gonna be a good day," Bobby thinks to himself, as he schemes his way back into the locker room to change.
12:08 pm - Bobby was in on the FG block team, after rushing in 10 minutes late because of a uniform mishap. Zach Thomas is noticed, still giggling.
12:15 pm - A bad punt by Sam "Bam" Paulescu. Bobby, noticing that A) he should have been on the field, B) Zach was watching him pour ice-cold water into his helmet, and C) he could've kicked the ball better than Sam, quickly seized his opportunity to talk to Special Teams coach Bruce Reed and audition for 3rd-string punter.
12:26 pm - Bobby in again on FG block. He moped on to the field after his laser-- pointed in the eyes of Anthony Henry-- drew a clear pass interference penalty. Unfortunately Zach, who found Bobby's keyring of devices (entirely laser pointers), shined them all into the eyes of the referees. TD denied.
12:34 pm - Bobby Carpenter in on the tackle on special teams. As a juvenile joke, he's been drinking Gatorade as much as possible, so he can pee on the next guy he tackles.
No information on whether Zach is planning to punch him in the gut or not.
12:39 pm -Bobby in again on the FG block. Stood there, unable to move with a full bladder.
12:49 pm - When Zach finally figured out why Bobby was limping along the sideline, he duct-taped him to the bench. Bobby was recently spotted by Pam Oliver, soaked in his own tears and urine. The coaches ignore Bobby, citing this as "a common occurance"
12:54 pm - With that blocked punt by Carlos Polk, the entire team turns to Bobby, who, still duct taped to the bench says, "What? *sniff sniff* I coulda done that with my eyes closed"
Zach, who now feels bad, unties him. Then gives him a manly punch-to-the-gut. Just to let Bobby know it isn't over.
1:02 pm - Bobby, I believe, was in on that last punt formation. It's hard to tell, as he was swatting at something in the air, with his eyes closed. Chances are the rest of the defense was let in on the laser keyring.
1:12 pm - It's clear that, on that last kickoff, Bobby switched jerseys with Nick Folk, as the kickoff goes out of bounds at the 20. Let it be noted that Bobby is forcing himself into tryouts for other positions now.
1:19 pm - With the exception of Terrell Owens, the offense is anemic. This blogger has to wonder what is going on, as Bobby can't trade jerseys with everyone.
1:23 pm - Zach Thomas returns a fumble for a touchdown, but is incorrectly ruled down by contact by a phantom whistle. That phantom was Bobby. Zach is not happy. Stay tuned.
1:28 pm - I'm considering starting a Greg Manusky watch. Did anyone else see that BEAUTIFUL Bobby-esque mustache on that guy?
1:34 pm - After that huge smack by Bradie James, the team celebrated into the locker room. Bobby, watching the first season of Grey's Anatomy on his new iPhone, realized everyone was gone, and leapt up to join the team in the locker room, only to trip over his shoes, tied together, with a note reading, "Blow that whistle again, see what happens."
1:53 pm - Flozell false starts as a shout out to his girl back home, but it is reversed by a neutral zone infraction on the defense. Flo is not happy.
1:55 pm - Flozell False starts as a shout out to his girl back home. This time for real.
1:58 pm - Bobby is not seen on the kickoff coverage, and it can be assumed that Carlos Polk is taking his place after the blocked punt earlier in the game. Message to Bobby from the writer - GROW BACK THE 'STACHE. It's good luck. And it's more intimidating.
2:14 pm - Bobby is up to his laser pointer antics again, this time his victim is Tashard Choice. Zach Thomas, after the play, shoots Bobby a menacing look as he runs onto the field.
2:18 pm - Zach gave his best motivational speech of the year, "Intercept this pass, and we tape Bobby to the showers after the game."
Bobby is seen hiding in the stands near a large blonde woman. Confused, Zach punches them both.
2:33 pm - With the game more or less over, the defense, led by Zach, are seen getting together rope, duct tape, and placing bars of soap in socks, all the while the backups are told to stare menacingly at Bobby until he cries. This takes approximately 2:47 mins.
2:52 pm - Bobby, now standing on the sidelines right next to Wade in hopes he'll get some protection, repeats everything Wade says to motivate the defense. Wade grows annoyed, and wonders where his son Wes is. This is what quality control is for.
3:02 pm - Bobby makes his first appearance on TV on the game, on the kickoff coverage. Funny how we only see him when something bad happens...
3:20 pm - And that's the game, ladies an gentlemen. Tune in next time.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Week 12 in the NFL
Alex and Chris pick the weekend's NFL games and offer insight on their differences.
Alex: Considering Pitt won last night, do you want to start with his rating for this week?
Chris: I know no details of the game, just that they won. And we both had Pit.
Alex: Against a lowly Bengals team, where talent seems endangered. Which is why I'm going Roethlis-poacher.
Chris: Hahaha, I'll go.. Roethlis-helicopter-hunter.
Alex: Hahaha. A quick note before we get on to the differences... We both picked Flacco this week. Maybe we break the trend, or you're just falling in line. Who knows. Or maybe it's like dividing by 0.
Chris: I wonder if we've ever both picked Bal?
Alex: Should I run through the weeks?
Chris: Sure.
Alex: Funny. We did once. In week 2. When the game was postponed by Ike. And then, when the game came back on, one of us changed the pick. And I changed my pick to Houston.
Chris: Crazy. Natural disaster heading to the east coast?
Alex: Possible.
Chris: What if Joe Flacco knew you were going to change to Houston, and since then, he's been playing to spite you?
Alex: He must be. And honestly, going through the books, I am 0-10 for Baltimore games this year. How does that happen?
Chris: Wow, that's amazing. I think at the end of the year, we can look at team by team records based on our picks, see who hates us and who loves us.
Alex: It's a good final issue.
Alex: Ok, onto the first difference. You have the Lowly Lions, and I have the Bucs. I will give you this, the Bucs have a tendancy to play to a team's level.
Chris: This is based solely on hope, and help, because this would be great for the Cowboys.
Alex: You know, Detroit hasn't won yet, which is why I'm not picked them. But remember— Brad Johnson beat the Bucs. So...it's definetly possible.
Chris: True. Hopefully Detroit has some secrets on defense.
Alex: Next, You have Buffalo, I have KC. I'm sorry, but my faith in Trent Edwards is completely gone after Monday night. Thats was a horrible performance.
Chris: Yeah, it was. But this time I think he's taken his practice against a better team in Cleveland and he'll hand off like no other against KC. Maybe mix in a pass
Alex: Haha. I just like scrappy KC. They deserve a game. And if Herm Edwards could coach, they'd be a decent .500 team next year.
Chris: Yeah.
Alex: Next, you have ATL and i have CAR. This one will be close.
Chris: Yeah, and it really could go either way with those running games, but I put more stock in Matt Ryan this week at home.
Alex: You know, that's a good point. But it seems to me Carolina is having a bit of a dream season. Plus, they're the division leaders. A loss for ATL only helps us.
Chris: Very quietly having a dream season, in fact. And true, I guess I want the division leaders to start running away with it. So my heart wants Car, but my head says Atl, in the Michael Vick - Rae Carruth Bowl.
Alex: Hahahahaha. Wonderful.
Alex: Ok, last difference. You take NYG, and I have ARI in an upset. I think Kurt Warner wants revenge.
Chris: I would love that, but again, I just think NYG are on too much of a roll. But this is the exact game where the Giants screw up— see Cleveland and almost Bengals.
Alex: Yeah. And Arizona, while still Arizona, is a good team this year. It's primed and ready to go.
Chris: It would be great to avenge the 199...8? playoff loss to Arizona with a Dallas win over them this year.
Alex: For the finale, Bobby Carpenter is returning from a groin injury this week, after having Chris Martin from Coldplay sing directly into it.
Chris: hahahah
Alex: So, what is his overall effect this week?
Chris: He'll probably make a great tackle in the 3rd quarter in a game no one else will be watching.
Alex: Haha. I'd love to see him knock a guy out cold. And then have the play negated by a penalty.
Chris: Assign Bobby to only hit players of SF who step on our star, even if they were just running by on a kickoff.
Alex: Haha. He's the designated George Teague this week.
Other picks this week
Pittsburgh over Cincinnati
Baltimore over Philadelphia
Cleveland over Houston
Chicago over St. Louis
Tennessee over New York Jets
Miami over New England
Minnesota over Jacksonville
Dallas over San Francisco
Denver over Oakland
Washington over Seattle
Indianapolis over San Diego
Green Bay over New Orleans
Overall records
Alex: 96-63-1
Chris: 101-58-1
Alex: Considering Pitt won last night, do you want to start with his rating for this week?
(note: all picks are made before kickoff & before posts)
Chris: I know no details of the game, just that they won. And we both had Pit.
Alex: Against a lowly Bengals team, where talent seems endangered. Which is why I'm going Roethlis-poacher.
Chris: Hahaha, I'll go.. Roethlis-helicopter-hunter.
Alex: Hahaha. A quick note before we get on to the differences... We both picked Flacco this week. Maybe we break the trend, or you're just falling in line. Who knows. Or maybe it's like dividing by 0.
Chris: I wonder if we've ever both picked Bal?
Alex: Should I run through the weeks?
Chris: Sure.
Alex: Funny. We did once. In week 2. When the game was postponed by Ike. And then, when the game came back on, one of us changed the pick. And I changed my pick to Houston.
Chris: Crazy. Natural disaster heading to the east coast?
Alex: Possible.
Chris: What if Joe Flacco knew you were going to change to Houston, and since then, he's been playing to spite you?
Alex: He must be. And honestly, going through the books, I am 0-10 for Baltimore games this year. How does that happen?
Chris: Wow, that's amazing. I think at the end of the year, we can look at team by team records based on our picks, see who hates us and who loves us.
Alex: It's a good final issue.
Alex: Ok, onto the first difference. You have the Lowly Lions, and I have the Bucs. I will give you this, the Bucs have a tendancy to play to a team's level.
Chris: This is based solely on hope, and help, because this would be great for the Cowboys.
Alex: You know, Detroit hasn't won yet, which is why I'm not picked them. But remember— Brad Johnson beat the Bucs. So...it's definetly possible.
Chris: True. Hopefully Detroit has some secrets on defense.
Alex: Next, You have Buffalo, I have KC. I'm sorry, but my faith in Trent Edwards is completely gone after Monday night. Thats was a horrible performance.
Chris: Yeah, it was. But this time I think he's taken his practice against a better team in Cleveland and he'll hand off like no other against KC. Maybe mix in a pass
Alex: Haha. I just like scrappy KC. They deserve a game. And if Herm Edwards could coach, they'd be a decent .500 team next year.
Chris: Yeah.
Alex: Next, you have ATL and i have CAR. This one will be close.
Chris: Yeah, and it really could go either way with those running games, but I put more stock in Matt Ryan this week at home.
Alex: You know, that's a good point. But it seems to me Carolina is having a bit of a dream season. Plus, they're the division leaders. A loss for ATL only helps us.
Chris: Very quietly having a dream season, in fact. And true, I guess I want the division leaders to start running away with it. So my heart wants Car, but my head says Atl, in the Michael Vick - Rae Carruth Bowl.
Alex: Hahahahaha. Wonderful.
Alex: Ok, last difference. You take NYG, and I have ARI in an upset. I think Kurt Warner wants revenge.
Chris: I would love that, but again, I just think NYG are on too much of a roll. But this is the exact game where the Giants screw up— see Cleveland and almost Bengals.
Alex: Yeah. And Arizona, while still Arizona, is a good team this year. It's primed and ready to go.
Chris: It would be great to avenge the 199...8? playoff loss to Arizona with a Dallas win over them this year.
Alex: For the finale, Bobby Carpenter is returning from a groin injury this week, after having Chris Martin from Coldplay sing directly into it.
Chris: hahahah
Alex: So, what is his overall effect this week?
Chris: He'll probably make a great tackle in the 3rd quarter in a game no one else will be watching.
Alex: Haha. I'd love to see him knock a guy out cold. And then have the play negated by a penalty.
Chris: Assign Bobby to only hit players of SF who step on our star, even if they were just running by on a kickoff.
Alex: Haha. He's the designated George Teague this week.
Other picks this week
Pittsburgh over Cincinnati
Baltimore over Philadelphia
Cleveland over Houston
Chicago over St. Louis
Tennessee over New York Jets
Miami over New England
Minnesota over Jacksonville
Dallas over San Francisco
Denver over Oakland
Washington over Seattle
Indianapolis over San Diego
Green Bay over New Orleans
Overall records
Alex: 96-63-1
Chris: 101-58-1
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