Barbie Watch, Week 13

Every week, Alex and Chris track the highs and lows of former first round pick Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. The Cowboys hope to shake off their Vegas rust in their last trip to Giants Stadium. Action occurs in East Rutherford, New Jersey, at Dallas Standard Time, unless stated otherwise.

We join the Cowboys late in the second quarter, up 10-7 with under a minute remaining in the first half.

4:29 pm: Dallas has been turning the ball over a little too much today. Kiwanuka strips Barber of the ball, and as I type, the Giants are within sniffing distance of the end zone.

4:31 pm: Touchdown, New York. Is it the weather?

A quick check of numbers:

Romo is 17/21 for 135: seems to be conservative or contained
Barber has 26 yards on 10 carries: contained

Dallas has had the ball a little over 21 minutes in the first half. 10 points with 21 minutes = very contained.

4:38 pm: Dallas manages to kick a 57-yard field goal but misses. A fight has broken out between the Giants and Cowboys, but Fox decides to roll 1st half highlights and talk over the yells and whistles. In fact, Fox verbally acknowledges that a fight is breaking out, but they don't show it on tv. Are the players nude? Is there also copious drug use on the field? Is it better to stick to clips of angry Dallas wide receivers instead?

HALFTIME

Stat check

DALLAS
Romo: 20/24, 160 yards, 1 TD
Barber: 10 carries, 26 yards
Witten: 7 catches, 81 yards
Austin: 4 catches, 32 yards
Royshonda: 3 catches, 14 yards, 1 TD

(A proud Royshonda gave the hook-em sign after his touchdown, no doubt directed to all the Huskers fans in Giants Stadium.)

NEW YORK
Manning: 6/13, 90 yards, 1 TD
Jacobs: 7 carries, 2o yards, 1 TD
Smith: 3 catches, 43 yards
Nicks: 2 catches, 37 yards, 1 TD
Manningham: 1 catch, 10 yards

I think Dallas is sleepwalking. Also, the Giants scored their 14 points in a 1:27 span.

WOW! WOW! Apparently, Flozell Adams was the instigator behind the fighting. He went after multiple Giants (Tuck, Kiwanuka) before the mess broke out. Ladies and gentlemen, the bull is out of his cage. He was assessed a personal foul penalty but is still in the game. A united, pissed off Giants team is the last thing Dallas needs right now.

END OF HALFTIME

4:53 pm: Hixon returns the 2nd half kickoff and won't go down. Bobby jumps on the pile and whistles blow. Mission accomplished.

4:57 pm: Barbie runs parallel to Steve Smith on a long reception and makes no effort to close the gap. Either geometry wasn't a big deal at Ohio State or Bobby is tired.

4:58 pm: MIKE JENKINS with the interception! One phong is ringing!

5:01 pm: Miles Austin makes a great catch through the middle, clearly one of those secret Las Vegas hotel room plays.

5:03 pm: Okay, that looks like pass interference by the Giant on Royshonda went unflagged. Girlfriend, go 'head and snap that nail. I would, too.

5:05 pm: Luke Wilson is still throwing postcards on a United States map.

5:07 pm: Anthony Spencer is really getting after it. Two consecutive penetrations this drive.

5:07 pm: Barbie in on the tackle! And he prevents Kevin Boss from picking up the 1st down! And as fate would have it, Keith Brooking is credited by Buck & Aikman in the booth.

Upset, Barbie decides to make friendly conversation along the sideline.

Barbie: Hey, Keith, good job on the tackle there. So, I don't know if you knew this, but my Buckeyes are going to the Rose Bowl this year. Tough year for Georgia, huh? Are they even going to a bowl?

Keith: I don't know, Robert, I went to Georgia Tech.

Barbie: Oh, do they play sports there? How'd you get into the NFL from a nerd school?

Keith: Robbie, we won the ACC last night. So... yeah, we play sports.

Barbie: But aren't there, like, no girls at Georgia Tech?

Keith: Girls are trouble, Roberto. All a man needs is his dip, his dog, and good music.

Barbie: Wait, so are you ga--

Keith: No, Robert. I'm not gay.

5:13 pm: Austin makes another great catch for the 1st down. I think the cold weather helps keep things quiet. Like the slow death by anaconda. It helps to slow things down when you're winning, though. Dallas still trails, 14-10.

5:16 pm: Not to be outdone, Jason Witten and his velcro dominatrix gloves makes a strong catch inside the Giants' 10. Witten has over 100 yards receiving today.

5:17 pm: TOUCHDOWN, ROYSHONDA! Dallas leads, 17-14. Fake sweep, Romo down the middle to Roy, who flashes his hook-em sign to the crowd AGAIN. There must be a lot of Nebraska and TCU fans in East Rutherford today.

Wait a second. Is Royshonda flashing a hook-em horns sign, or is he showing off them FOINE nails? Was the great nail-exposure from the UT handsign his motivation to go to Texas in the first place?

5:23 pm: Brandon Jacobs scores on a long scamper into the endzone, but damn if it didn't look like big-time holding. Wade (sans glasses) challenges the ruling, saying Jacobs stepped out of bounds at the 22.

5:27 pm: Nope. Touchdown is good, New York goes up 21-17 on the point after.

5:33 pm: Last-second tip on a Romo pass caps off a meh possession. Dallas punts.

5:35 pm: One more gift from Spencer, another early tackle. End of the third quarter.

5:39 pm: Carpenter in coverage means no catch for Kevin Boss. Better luck next time.

5:41 pm: Martellus Bennett secures a Papa John's Pizza over the middle, but is slow to get up. Fox goes to commercial with the piano theme.

5:44 pm: Bennett was fine. Fox lets us know this by coming back from commercial with a clip of the Fox Robot playing an electric guitar.

5:45 pm: ROYSHONDA GET YOUR NAILS DID GIRL. Huge 3rd down conversion with a long throw to Roy over the middle.

5:48 pm: Nick Folk curves the field goal wiiiiide left. Ugly.

5:53 pm: The Dallas defense looks so impotent on this Bradshaw 25-yard run inside the Dallas 10.

5:55 pm: New York settles for a field goal. Giants 24, Cowboys 17.

5:57 pm: The Fox Robot was just captured and shot by an arrow in this back-from-commercial Avatar promo.

6:00 pm: Untimely intentional grounding call against Dallas here. Dallas ends up punting the ball away to Hixon, to returns it all the way for a touchdown. Giants lead, 31-17.

Oh yeah, it's December.

6:08 pm: I was really hoping December would be different this season. Romo overshoots a wide wide wide open Royshonda for what would be a guaranteed six points.

6:10 pm: Romo decides to throw it to a very short, very covered Marion Barber on 4th and 2. It was over the second the ball left Romo's Vegas fingertips. Turnover on downs.

6:14 pm: Dallas forces the Giant punt and takes over inside their 25 with 2:25 left on the clock.

6:15 pm: Big first down courtesy Royshonda. Babygirl's nails lookin' FIERCE.

6:21 pm: Romo delivers a gem to Miles Austin for a touchdown. Dallas trails, 31-24.

6:23 pm: Dallas pulls an amazing 2 kickers on the field stunt, sends the first kicker on a fake kick one way, then comes back the other way for the real kick. Unfortunately, the ball didn't travel 10 yards before it was touched, but damn if that wasn't pretty. I had no idea that was legal. It's like mixing in fakes when you're shooting free throws.

Apparently, it's not a new move, but it was the first time these virgin eyes have seen it. Now I can show my grandkids this permanent Internet record.

6:27 pm: The Giants kneel the clock away and pick up the win.

Dallas falls to 8-4 with a hell of a December left. Dallas could go anywhere from 4-0 to 0-4 and everything in between and I wouldn't be surprised. As of now, the Eagles and Cowboys are tied for the NFC East lead at 8-4, and the Giants are one game back at 7-5.

Romo had a great day throwing the ball: 41/55 for 392 yards and 3 touchdowns (no picks).

And Royshonda, this one's for you:



Kid Sister - Pro Nails (Bag Raiders Remix)

Goodnight.

Barbie Watch, Week 12

Every week, Alex and Chris track the highs and lows of former first round pick Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. The Cowboys celebrate Thanksgiving with a home game against the Oakland Raiders. Action occurs in Arlington, Texas, at Dallas Standard Time, unless stated otherwise.

2:36 pm: Barbie emerges from a luxury suite restroom a bit queasy. In a show of manliness, our Barbara devoured an entire turducken BY HIMSELF during pre-game meetings. Whatever it takes to repair his reputation after the halftime scalping from David Buehler.

3:16 pm: Happy thanksgiving everyone. Buehler, in order to keep Bobby out of the game, kicks the ball out of the endzone. That's one think to be thankful for.

3:27 pm: Cowboys get a LOOOONG pass to Miles Austin, only to penalize themselves out of points. It looks like it's gonna be that kind of game. Meanwhile, Bobby sulks on the sidelines while Buehler's girlfriend braids his hair. He mumbles "Yes master" everytime Buehler walks by.

3:34 pm: Bobby has yet to be seen on the field, meanwhile JaMarcus Russell has been seen roaming around the enormous Cowboys Stadium, reportedly asking "Where's a turkey? I need a damn turkey. It's thanksgiving. We shouldn't be playing football anyway. Good thing I'm watchin'."

3:39 pm: Bobby still not on the field, but rather showing JaMarcus the cheesesteak sandwiches in the food court in the party pass plaza. JaMarcus, a big man wearing an Oakland uniform, is excused for a displaced Raider's fan, since he's pigging out on beer and red meat. Meanwhile, Bobby is welcomed with familiar and open arms by the drunk fans who love the idea that they know an NFL player, regardless of his shittiness. Bobby lets a smile sneak through his workmanlike demeanor.

3:43 pm: With another 3rd and medium, Bobby is again not needed on the field. Bobby asks JaMarcus about the gameplan, and with a full mouth, JaMarcus responds "fucked if I know." Bobby then realizes he has found his kindred spirit, he give JaMarcus a 10spot and tells him to buy another cheesesteak. Bobby goes hunting for a new iHelmet, Raiders edition.

3:47 pm: Choicecat I for somethine like 60ish yards. Amazing.

3:50 pm: Penalties stall another Cowboys drive, along with seemingly preferential calls towards the Raiders. Luckily, Nick Folk nails it through. 3-0 Cowboys.

3:52 pm: Another touchback for David Buehler, riding high on his lack of Bobby. Meanwhile, JaMarcus is presented with a brand new iHelmet, complete with mechanical eyepatch and a preloaded "Cooking for dummies, the multimillionaire edition." JaMarcus is brought to tears, and Bobby opens his arms and encourages him to "hug it out."

4:02 pm: Choicecat II. No gain. Meh.

4:06 pm: Felix gets one cat in the bag. Touchdown. Bobby sighs, starts downfield for a kickoff coverage. Buehler can't boot it everytime, and has surely noticed his abscence. JaMarcus watches Bobby walk off, and reaches out, hand full of chedder, and asks "Will you come back for me?" Bobby turns around and says, "Every time I have a choice, I'll always choose you. I have to go make a call."

A.J. Hawk is about to be very dissapointed.

4:13 pm: Bobby is finally in on 3rd down, and Bruce Gradkowski runs for a first down. Bobby is seen with tears in his eyes, and JaMarcus is in the concourse eating 3 bratwurst, singing "All By Myself" through a waterfall of tears. Buehler is beginning to take notes on the interaction. A halftime plot to follow?

4:18 pm: Bobby in again, and Spencer gets his first sack of the season. Bobby drops back into coverage, and after the sack, pounds his heart twice, and points up to the burger stand. JaMarcus understands, and grabs his 35million guarenteed and heads up.

4:22 pm: Royshonda gets 1 nail did.

4:23 pm: Nick Folk has missed 3 of his last 4. He's begging to get Vanderjagt'd. Buehler laughs maniacally on the sideline, whilst on his laptop. JaMarcus apparently forgot to download Norton for his iHelmet. Being a Raider, they only sell the Windows-based edition.

4:27 pm: Bobby in once again on 3rd down, but the pressure gets to him. Bobby has yet to have a pass come his way, to which JaMarcus responds, "Don't worry, Bobcat, I'd throw you at least 3 interceptions. What're friends for?"

"Not friends, JaMarcus. Best friends. Forever."

In related news, AJ Hawk is on a plane to Dallas from Detroit with the Reality-TV-hit show "cheaters."

4:39 pm: Hanging out on the party pass plaza with his new BFF, Bobby talks to Jamarcus between bites of pizza.

Bobby: Hey Jam, do you think Miles looks like Obama?
Jamarcus: Yeah, lil bit.
Bobby: You know, I voted for Obama.
Jamarcus: Cool.

Meanwhile, the touchdown is called back. Of course, that means more pizza time.

4:42 pm: Never mind. The Cowboys made sure Miles got his touchdown after all. Dallas leads, 17-0, and Royshonda ain't happy.

4:48 pm: Halftime, and the teams head to their respective locker rooms. All at least, except for two players. JaMarcus quickly iHelmet-texts Bobby to stay behind and look up at the MEGA-tron. Daughtry is setting up, and the lights suddenly go out. In the middle of the commencing panic, a montage begins to play, with "Wind Beneath My Wings" playing soulfully underneath a series of pictures of JaMarcus and Bobby hanging out during the game. There was the cheesesteak, the brats, the hamburgers, all the good times. The montage ends, and JaMarcus is seen on screen and says "Bobby, I have only known you for 30 minutes of football, but I feel like I've known you my whole life. Thank you for the hospitality. I may have lost my job, but I have gained the friend of a lifetime.

The lights switch back on, and Bobby notices a number of cameras around him, and AJ Hawk screaming and rushing towards him. Bobby turns to run, and heads directly into Joey Greco, host of Cheaters. Bobby has nothing to say.

AJ responds by screaming "Do these ponytails mean nothing to you?! All we went through together?!"

Bobby pauses, turns around, then rips out his flowing ponytail and screams, "It's fake, AJ! My friend David Buehler cut it off last week. We're done. I was going to call you...but....You were busy celebrating, and I didn't want to ruin it."

Bobby runs off to be with JaMarcus in the nosebleed section, AJ is seen walking back to his plane with tears in his eyes. The crowd applauds wildly. This was WAY better than the Jonas brothers.

5:10 pm: Bobby rolls into the locker room right as the meeting is winding up.

Wade: Robert, do you mind telling me where the hell you were during halftime?
Bobby: Well, uh, I, I was ... okay, I was gone.
Wade: Where?
Bobby: Six Flags.
Wade: What? Are you kidding me?
Bobby: No, here, I took this picture with Jamarcus as we came down Splash Mountain.
Wade: So you were just hanging out with the opposing team, across the street, instead of doing your job? Instead of being in the meeting? Son, what is in your head?
Bobby: Coach P...
Wade: Grab some bench, Bobby. You'll learn the hard way. Buehler is gunning for your job and I'm not so sure he's not my favorite.

5:19 pm: Igor Olshansky, strong like bull.

5:22 pm: Terence Newman stops a scrambling Gradkowski deep in Dallas territory. Dave Campo immediately pulls the ref over and suggests Newman led with his helmet. No call.

5:35 pm: Bobby is out of the game, and our sideline reporter/JaMarcus are both out with a food coma. BRB guys, Bobby will be back soon.

5:39 pm: Bobby falls on the tackled Raider. If the stat guy blinked, he might just credit Bobby with half a tackle.

5:45 pm: Choicecat III

5:47 pm: Royshonda gets his 2nd nail did, along with 1/2 a pedicure with the TD.

5:49 pm: Buehler with another touchback, and with the roar of the crowd JaMarcus wakes up next to 3 cheesesteak sandwiches and Greg Ellis' wife. Apparently she though, given his size, he an Greg were one and the same. "Better get out of here" JaMarcus thinks, "I've been sacked enough this season."

6:00 pm: Patrick Watkins bodyslams Jonnie Lee Higgins to the turf and gets up doing a turkey dance. JaMarcus salivates and calls Bobby. The obediant and subserviate Bobcat fries up a bird and gets McBriar to punt it to the nosebleeds for JaMarcus. Instead of catching it, JaMarcus swallows it whole. Word is that's why Bobby loves him.

6:04 pm: Bobcat down, again he is untested. after the play he shows love by proclaiming that he's "number 2" in homage to Mr. Russel. Bobby then initiates a google search on his iHelmet on what exactly a "gimp" is, at JaMarcus' request.

6:13 pm: With JaMarcus in bed and Bobby on the field, Buehler asleep at the wheel, this writer is signing off. Also because he has the Lone Star Showdown to attend, but that's simply axiallary. Have a great night, don't let the tryptophan bite.

Barbie Watch, Week 11

Every week, Alex and Chris track the highs and lows of former first round pick Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. Today, the Dallas Cowboys look to return to the win column against the Washington Redskins. Action occurs in Arlington, Texas, at Dallas Standard Time, unless stated otherwise.

11:58 am: Barbie's iHelmet has been updated with the latest software. The team stretches to radio preset 93.3 FM, which used to have rock, but now features a little too much Lady Gaga to be taken seriously on the football field. Wes Phillips, quality control, increases the volume of the stadium's speakers. Bobby continues warming up to Gaga and howling RAH RAH AH AH AH, ROMA, ROMAMA. No one is amused, but the Eastern Europe gibberish catches the attention of Igor Olshansky. Today, Igor thinks to himself, will be a strong like bull today.

12:03 pm: Felix Jones, just as disappointed with the Redskins' decision to wear MONOCHROME MAROON as I am, takes it to the 35 on the opening kickoff.

12:05 pm: These secret plays to Jason Witten haven't been paying off. Yet. Dallas is forced to punt. The Redskins will take over on their 16.

12:07 pm: Igor Olshansky, strong like bull.

12:08 pm: Seeing the positive effect of Lady Gaga on Igor, Bobby cues up another Gaga hit for the sideline playlist. While Bobby was busy fiddling with his iHelmet, Dallas's defense quickly runs 3rd and inches without him. Mission accomplished, courtesy Keith Brooking.

12:09 pm: Bobby is flustered and storms over to Wade, first criticizing Phillips for "that stunt he just pulled on 3rd and inches," then taking Wade's sunglasses. The metaphor is "now Wade cannot hide," but Bobby was never much for literary studies. Economics? Now we're talking.

12:10 pm: Wade promises Bobby a 2nd down play if Bobby returns the sunglasses. Bobby accepts the offer, but not before sitting down on the bench and crossing/ recrossing his legs a-la Sharon Stone, Basic Instinct. Also: economics, supply and demand.

12:14 pm: F. After Dallas marches down the field, Barber fumbles the ball. Romo dives for the tackle, makes it, and now appears to be injured. Looks like a kidney shot. Commercial break, Bobby's iHelmet cues the "sad piano NFL on FOX music."

12:17 pm: The Redskins take over, but not before a false start. Cute.

12:18 pm: 2nd down. Bobby runs onto the field but Wade pulls him back to the sidelines.

"But Coach P, you promised!" Bobby says.

"I know," Wade replies. "But here's an economics lesson: let the buyer beware. Here's another: get it in writing next time."

Touche, Phillips. Touche.

12:19 pm: Bobby falls into coverage on 3rd down. Jason Campbell avoids a sack and somehow completes a pass for the 1st down.

12:21 pm: The Redskins false start AGAIN. Flo, these o-linemen are NOT respecting your woman.

12:22 pm: Nothing fancy here. Bobby falls into coverage. There is no 3rd down conversion. Therefore, Bobby has done his job.

12:23 pm: Terence Newman shoves Dave Campo on television! What is THIS? Was Dave critiquing Newman's play? Or was he critiquing the spelling of "Terence," which is indeed worthy of some criticism?

12:25 pm: The last time a Dallas assistant was shoved on the sideline (Parcells on Todd Haley), the assistant took a hike. Expect Campo to fight tooth and nail to stay in the Metroplex.

12:26 pm: Romo completes the pass to Martellus Bennett for the 1st down. Bennett has 1 box of Papa John's Pizza.

12:28 pm: Bobby brings up yesterday's Ohio State - Michigan game on the sidelines. Unfortunately, the Cowboys have no Wolverines, so Bobby instead talks the ears off of other Big Ten alums, still using the pronoun "we" when referring to the Buckeyes.

12:30 pm: Dallas punts to Washington. During the return, Bobby is jacked up on a rough hit. David Buehler tells Bobby he lost a letter from his name on the hit-- he is now Obby.

12:31 pm: Wade puts a dizzy Carpenter in on 1st down. Wade believes a bell-rung Bobby might actually be more lethal and less finesse.

12:33 pm: 1 tin of Copenhagen for Brooking on the sack.

12:34 pm: Illegal hands to the face called on Newman. What you didn't see: Campo notified the refs. "This will be a valuable life lesson," Campo mutters to himself.

12:39 pm: Apparently, dizzy Carpenter is of no use on 3rd down.

12:40 pm: Dallas unleashes Blitz-Bobby on 3rd down! Bobby goes unblocked on the rush and.. well, if he were just a few ticks faster, Campbell wouldn't have been able to release the ball for a 1st down. As on all 1st down conversions, Bobby's iHelmet cues the sad piano Charlie Brown music.

12:42 pm: 2 tins of Copenhagen for Keith Brooking on the sack. Brooking shares the tin with Ware. Brooking refuses water on the sideline, no doubt because he has some chew tucked in that lip as we speak.

12:43 pm: Sidenote: last week, Jason Garrett was criticized for not running the ball enough. Right now, Dallas has 12 runs and 5 passes. Keep mentally tracking this.

12:45 pm: Bobby is clearly held on 3rd down, but no flag. Washington kicks a field goal on 4th and makes it. Washington leads, 3-0.

12:47 pm: The unstoppable/ Citizen Eco Drive watch commercial featuring Eli Manning just aired. They only seem to run this commercial when Manning sucks. I like their sense of humor.

12:48 pm: Felix Jones returns the kickoff and looks uninspired. Bobby looks just as uninspired on the almost-block attempt. Meh.

12:51 pm: Jason Witten completes another secret hotel-room play.

12:52 pm: Barber up the middle! Vintage hair on fire run.

12:53 pm: Royshawnda damn near broke a nail on that dropped pass. How a girl 'sposed to look good if she can't get her nails did?

12:54 pm: Offense check: 15 runs, 8 passes.

12:56 pm: Buehler walks over to Bobby and gives him an old sock.

"What the hell is this for? I have both my socks on," says Bobby.

"Here you go, Dobby. You're free now, Dobby," Buehler replies.

"Who the hell is Dobby? What?" Bobby asks as Buehler walks off. "Knock it off!"

12:58 pm: Buehler convinces the o-line to give Bobby their unused socks. Leonard Davis begins to chant "Dobby" at Bobby. Leonard acts like he doesn't know where this reference is from... but he does. Davis fancied himself a Slytherin man, truth be told.

Bobby, now psyched out, is unable to make a play on 3rd down.

1:03 pm: Martellus has 2 boxes of Papa John's Pizza.

1:05 pm: Gurode, injured? Flashback?

1:07 pm: Now that Dallas is on offense, Buehler phones in a favor to Wes Phillips, quality control. Buehler and Wes begin to hide random articles of issue clothing in places Bobby will look-- the Gatorade cooler, his iHelmet, the big screen, etc. Each article of clothing has a tag reading, "Dobby, you are free."

1:08 pm: Bobby returns from a luxury suite's restroom to find his iHelmet stuffed with an issue practice tee.

"WHAT THE HELL IS DOBBY?" Bobby yells.

Royshawnda walks over and explains, "Dobby is a house-elf from Harry Potter. This slave creature is freed once he receives an article of clothing from his master."

"Oh, that's kind of neat," Bobby says.

"It means I'm your master, dumbass," Buehler retorts as he chucks an issue t-shirt in Bobby's face.

1:12 pm: Flozell shout-out time.

1:14 pm: Bobby brainstorms his revenge on Buehler. He decides to pee in the Gatorade cooler, lifts the lid and -- WHAT? MORE DOBBY?

1:15 pm: Leonard Davis wants to get in on the shout-out business.

1:16 pm: Martellus Bennett has 3 boxes of Papa John's Pizza.

What the hell? So many injuries today.

Also: Troy just called him a very "athletic" tight end. If Bennett is the athletic TE, is Witten the intellectual TE?

1:17 pm: One more broken nail for Royshawnda?

1:18 pm: Nick Folk misses the field goal, wide right. Offense: 21 runs, 12 passes.

1:19 pm: Bobby is in on 1st down and lets Fred Davis run past him.

1:20 pm: Bobby is still in on these defensive plays. Washington keeps making 1st downs.

1:21 pm: Bobby falls into coverage. Cartwright slip out of Bobby's grasp. Someone else tackles him.

1:22 pm: Bobby is unleashed on the blitz, uncovered. He chases Campbell around and forces Campbell to throw it away. So is Dallas just capitalizing on unblocked opportunities, or does Washington not respect the Carpenter rush?

1:23 pm: Delay of game, Washington. AKA 11-man shout-out to Lady Flo.

1:31 pm: Good lord, this is quite a delay. I think I heard Wade drop 2 s-bombs on tv.

1:32 pm: Suisham misses a 39-yard field goal, leaving 10 seconds on the clock. Washington still leads, 3-0.

1:33 pm: And Dallas kneels the ball to go into the half. Washington 3, Dallas 0.

---HALFTIME---

In order to motivate the team, Wade decides to bring some theatre into the locker room.

Wade: Guys, this is ridiculous. We're losing to the Redskins! Buehler, Bobby, get up here.

Buehler and Carpenter make their way to the center of the room. Wade dims the lights and brings a desk and scissors with him to the center.

Wade: Alright, guys. They're Redskins. Like Indians. What do they do to victims? They scalp them. What I'm going to do now is called symbolism. Bobby, son, you're going to be the Redskin here. Buehler, you're a Cowboy, you're just like us. We're tired of being pushed around. This is OUR HOUSE. What we want to do is scalp the injun. Give them a taste of their own medicine. Bobby, set your head on this table.

Bobby, hesitant, puts his head on the table. A hushed silence falls upon the room. Campo pokes Newman and tells him to pay attention to Coach P. Wade takes Bobby's long, blonde hair and organizes the hair into a ponytail.

Wade: Buehler, take these scissors.

Wade walks over to Buehler, hands him the scissors, then pulls him aside.

Wade (whisper): Now don't kill him, just snip off his ponytail. But make a big, dramatic show of it. You know, raise it in the air, scream, stuff like that.

Buehler: Got it.

Brooking runs over to Bobby and tucks a small bit of Copenhagen into his mouth. Buehler raises the scissors in the air, the spotlight directly over him, light glistening on the blade.

Buehler: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Buehler brings the scissors down, Bobby clenches, shuts his eyes, and the team winces. Some look away in fear. Buehler, still screaming, snips the ponytail off Bobby and lifts it in the air.

Buehler: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Buehler grabs a strip of masking tape, binds the hair at one end, and runs around the room, waving the ponytail in front of the team.

Buehler: C'MON GUYS! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Team: USA! USA!

Wade: NOW I WANT ALL OF YOU TO GO OUT THERE AND SCALP THOSE REDSKINS! TEAM ON 3! 1, 2, 3..

Everyone: TEAM!

---END OF HALFTIME---

1:48 pm: Bobby makes the tackle on the kickoff. Motivation is an amazing tool.

1:55 pm: Bobby shows up a tick late at the scene of the tackle. Converted 1st down.

1:56 pm: False start. Now you're just getting cocky, Washington.

1:57 pm: Bobby blitzes, but Ratliff is the lead dog in the pack.

1:57 pm: Bobby goes right for the ankles on a tackle attempt. The Redskin is down because someone else made a more physical tackle. Washington still has to punt.

2:01 pm: Witten, first down on a secret play.

2:02 pm: After halftime, Buehler secured the Bobbytail under a sweatband and wore it as if it were his own. Bobby walks over to Buehler and demands his ponytail back.

Buehler: Here, you baby, take it.

Buehler tosses it to the ground.

Bobby: Can I at least have the sweatband, too?

Buehler: Sure, Dobby. Here you go, Dobby.

Bobby: NO! Never mind.

Buehler: Oh, so you don't want freedom? You want to be my slave?

Bobby: AGH! Fine, give me freedom.

Buehler: Give me freedom what.

Bobby: Give me freedom... master.

Buehler: Ha. Dumbass. Take it.

Bobby takes the ponytail and sweatband, puts both in ice, and jogs off.

2:04 pm: Bobby runs to the team doctor and asks him to surgically repair his Bobbytail. The doctor refuses. Bobby then runs to the nearest luxury suite restroom and reattaches the 'tail with a little rubber cement and a few hair-ties.

"I hope my body doesn't reject it," Bobby says to himself in the mirror, examining his work.

2:09 pm: Not much action for Bobby on 3rd down. He wants to minimize movement. It's in the best interest of the Bobbytail.

2:11 pm: Dallas offense check: 25 runs, 14 passes.

2:12 pm: One more broken nail for Royshawnda in heavy coverage.

2:18 pm: So we poke Bobby, but it's all in fun. BUT on this last play, I could swear he purposely jogs a little bit slower to avoid having make the tackle

2:18 pm: Okay, here we go. Bobby was called for a hold. Great.

2:19 pm: Igor Olshansky, strong like 2 bulls.

2:19 pm: Thank you. More shout-outs from Washington, this from Fred Davis. Lady Flo is loved.

2:22 pm: Bobby runs a few yards with the Redskin runner. He doesn't bother making a tackle on Cartwright until he sees another Dallas defender with him.

2:23 pm: Suisham makes the field goal attempt. This game's impotence is eerily similar to that of the Packers game last week. Redskins lead, 6-0.

2:25 pm: Martellus Bennett's illegal shift takes away his box of Papa John's Pizza.

2:26 pm: One more shattered nail from Royshawnda. Not because he dropped a pass, but because Miles Austin caught a big pass.

2:30 pm: Huge hair on fire run from Marion Barber.

2:33 pm: You know how Romo once said an interception of his was as good as a punt? Well, his latest interception (on 4th down) is better than a turnover on downs.

2:34 pm: Dallas offense check: 29 runs, 19 passes.

2:35 pm: Why is Dallas playing so uninspired? Even Bobby and Buehler have settled down.

2:38 pm: Bored but politically active, Bobby canvasses the sideline and asks each Cowboy if he is on Team Jacob or Team Edward. Wade lifts his shirt to reveal a Team Edward undershirt.

2:42 pm: Suisham goes wide right on a 50-yard field goal attempt. Wade pumps his fist in excitement. Is this a momentum shift?

2:47 pm: Secret play to Witten and then another Miles Austin-induced broken nail for Royshawnda. Girlfriend, God bless your hand.

2:48 pm: One more round of secret play to Witten and Miles Austin catch. Royshawnda's nails are DESTROYED.

2:49 pm: All this action is too much for Flo. He transfers his energy to Witten and forces Witten to false start. But Lady Flo, Flo still loves you.

2:51 pm: TOUCHDOWN, PATRICK CRAYTON! Dallas adds the extra point and takes the lead, 7-6. Offensive tracker: 30 runs, 27 passes.

3:02 pm: Anthony Spencer plucks a tipped pass out of the air and comes down with the interception. Stephen Bowen on the tip.

3:04 pm: Bobby grabs the nearest Gatorade cooler and dumps the contents on Spencer's head. Unfortunately, ice and random issue gear fall out. BUEHLER!

3:07 pm: The game ends on a Hail Mary attempt. Incomplete. You know it's incomplete because Bobby threw his arms up when it happened. Cowboys win, 7-6 and finish with 33 runs, 27 passes.

The Cowboys move to 7-3 and prepare for the Oakland Raiders on Thanksgiving. Will there be a victory Monday tomorrow? Will Bobby find a way to permanently reattach the Bobbytail? Find out Thursday. Have a good rest of the day.

Barbie Watch, Week 6

No watch this week-- the Cowboys are either watching film or partying with Marco Rivera on a beach in Mexico. Stay tuned.

Barbie Watch, Week 4

Every week, Alex and Chris track the highs and lows of former first round pick Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. Today, the Dallas Cowboys visit Denver to take on the undefeated Broncos. Action occurs in Denver, Colorado, at Dallas Standard Time, unless stated otherwise.

3:14 pm: Sadly, no Orange Crush or Brown .. Crush. The Broncos are just in the orange alternates. Dallas receives the kickoff and starts on offense.

3:18 pm: Remembering he's in Denver, Bobby flashes his boarding pass in front of Keith Brooking and cracks his first "mile-high club" joke of the day.

3:25 pm: Dallas can't scrape much together on offense and is forced to punt. Bobby rolls onto the television view (conveniently) after Royal fair-catches.

3:27 pm: Brooking meets Buckhalter for the tackle. "Attaboy, just like we discussed," Bobby yells, trying to get credit and attention for his ghost tackle. This means it's 2nd down, which means Bobby is on deck, posed like a sprinter in the blocks on the sideline.

3:30 pm: POW, 3rd down, Bobby races onto the field. Kyle Orton throws over and past Bobby. No tackle, but also, no 3rd down conversion. Bobby 1, Universe 0. Denver punts.

3:32 pm: Last night, Bobby installed Bose speakers into the Dallas sideline. Why? To provide the Cowboys with some gametime music. Currently playing on Bobby's iHelmet: John Denver - Rocky Mountain High. Wade begins to nod his head to the beat.

3:34 pm: Wade is wearing his sunglasses again.

3:36 pm: Unfortunately, Bobby's iHelmet is on shuffle, not his Denver playlist. We know this because Miley Cyrus - Party in the U.S.A. explodes onto the speakers, along with a chorus of laughter from Dallas' defense. Wade continues to nod his head to the beat for 10 more seconds. Bobby spends those 10 seconds trying to find his iHelmet and change the song. Maybe no one heard...

3:38 pm: Trying to compensate for the Miley mistake, Bobby hits play on the Gwar playlist.

3:39 pm: HOW DID GWEN STEFANI GET ONTO THE GWAR PLAYLIST?! Bobby disconnects his iHelmet from the speakers. It's too risky right now.

Meanwhile, off to the side, David Buehler rubs his hands together with the pride of a scheming schemer. It was Buehler who edited Bobby's playlist, you see, and it's the first of many payback pranks. Buehler 1, Bobby 0.

3:45 pm: 3rd down, aka Bobby Down. Sensabaugh almost picks off the Orton pass, but Bobby may have tipped it out of the way with a perfectly placed dive. "Hey, chief, incompletions mean the other team didn't catch it, right? You do your job, I do mine," Carpenter tells Sensabaugh as they jog off the field. Bobby 2, Universe 0, Sensabaugh 0 (unverified).

3:48 pm: While Bobby was hotdogging it on 3rd down, Buehler turned up the volume on Bobby's iHelmet. I mean way up, like high school house party because your parents are out of town and it's okay if you listen to urban music loud.

3:50 pm: Bobby wants to listen to some more John Denver, so he turns on his iHelmet and immediately slings it off after a terribly loud scare. His ears will only hear a faint whistle for the next 20 minutes. Buehler 2, Bobby 0.

Buehler uses this as an opportunity to dog-cuss Bobby in front of his face, but, of course ... it falls on deaf ears.

Thank you. Thank you. I'm here all week.

3:52 pm: TOUCHDOWN, COWBOYS. Denver has allowed 16 points in 3 games, which means 5.333 points a game. Dallas, up 10-0, has passed Denver's average. This obviously means Dallas is an above-average team.

3:55 pm: Buehler sends the ball into the end zone, preventing any facetime for Bobby. Buehler 3, Bobby 0.

3:56 pm: Jay Ratliff is called for a hold, mostly just to say "I love you" to Flozell Adams.

3:59 pm: On 2nd down, Dallas' defense decides to let Denver get a 1st down. Just to keep Bobby off the field. Dallas 1, Bobby 0.

4:01 pm: 3rd down, Brooking pushes Bobby onto the field (since his hearing will be out for 9 more minutes). Bobby manages to swarm the Denver runner, but only after 2 Cowboys got there first. Dallas 2, Bobby 0.

4:04 pm: The NFL is supporting the fight against breast cancer by using pink today-- signage, uniform accessories, towels, etc.

Bobby slips out of his shoulder pads and helmet to run to the restroom. Buehler capitalizes on this moment and replaces Bobby's equipment with pink equipment. Buehler 4, Bobby 0.

4:06 pm: Andre Gurode is called for tripping-- which is whatever, but you wonder what kind of personal foul Flozell has planned for today's game if Gurode just claimed tripping...

4:09 pm: Bobby returns to his now-pink shoulder pads, gloves, wristbands, and mouthpiece and, irate, marches over to an unassuming Buehler. Buehler then asks Bobby if he hates breast cancer research. Bobby, dumbfounded, walks back to the Gatorade. In pink.

Buehler 5, Bobby 0, but not for long.

4:11 pm: Romo fumbles the ball, Denver recovers. Anthony Spencer misses an interception and Denver scores. Dallas leads, 10-7.

4:12 pm: If there's anything Bobby hates more than being a prank victim, it's being a prank victim to a kid from USC. Bobby is an advocate of General William Tecumseh Sherman and loves him some scorched earth total war. "Fine, Buehler, if you want to play, we can play," Bobby says to no one in particular.

Bobby then spikes the Gatorade coolers with a pre-packaged Ziplocks of urine (on-hand just in case). Carpenter returns to Buehler, knocks the ball out of Buehler's hands, and adds, "the South LOST the war, get over it." Unfortunately, Buehler is from California but is impressed with Bobby's patriotism.

Buehler 5, Bobby 1, everyone who drinks that Gatorade 0.

4:19 pm: After a dozen complaints, Wade realizes the Gatorade has been contaminated and calls his son, Wesley Phillips (quality control) and demands a new batch of Gatorade. Wes can't seem to find any in the locker room or kitchen and has to drive to a nearby Kroger. Dallas, meanwhile, has to choose between urine or dehydration.

4:20 pm: Bobby dares everyone to drink the dirty Gatorade. Everyone refuses. Bobby then pours himself a healthy cupful and downs it, believing consumption of his own urine is sterile (Dallas watched Dodgeball on the flight to Denver). Carpenter then spikes the cup on the ground.

Buehler 5, Bobby 2, hygiene 0.

4:24 pm: Keith Brooking chases Daniel Graham out of bounds and into Bobby. Bobby, spry, hops over it.

4:28 pm: Bobby wraps up Brandon Marshall on SECOND down. Unfortunately, the tackle is called back because Denver tripped a Cowboy. Sigh.

4:32 pm: On 3rd and 20-something, Bobby rams into Daniel Graham for the ghost-assist tackle. Mission accomplished.

4:36 pm: Hearing Robert Ayers tackled Tashard Choice, Bobby (cable news sponge) begins to accuse the Denver defense of palling around with terrorists. Brooking explains the difference between Robert Ayers and Bill Ayers, then offers Bobby some Copenhagen.

4:40 pm: Dallas ends up impotent at the end of the first half and goes into the break up 10-7.

----HALFTIME----

4:55 pm: Dallas kicks off to Denver to begin the 3rd quarter.

4:56 pm: Dallas and Bradie James recover the Knowshon Moreno fumble! Or were they just preventing Bobby from getting on the field?

Dallas and Denver 1, Bobby 0.

4:59 pm: Wade is still wearing his sunglasses.

5:00 pm: Buehler points to the scoreboard and tells Bobby, "Hey! It's 3rd down! Get out there, dummy!" Bobby races onto the field, realizes Dallas is on offense, then sprints back before the ball is snapped. Whew.

5:01 pm: Champ Bailey picks off Romo's pass at the Denver-6. Dallas loves turning the ball over almost as much as it loves allowing points off turnovers. Let's see if Dallas holds Denver or lets them score again.

5:04 pm: Dallas' defense allows Denver to convert the 1st down on their 2nd down attempt. Maybe next time, Bobby. Dallas 3, Bobby 0.

5:06 pm: Anthony Spencer grabs Orton's facemask on a sack on 2nd and 12. Again, close but no cigar, Bobby. Dallas 4, Bobby 0.

5:07 pm: Bradie James on a -8 yard sack! I'm sure someone on Dallas tried to get a facemask or pass interference to prevent Bobby and the 3rd down. No dice. Bobby runs onto the field. Dallas 4, Bobby 1.

5:08 pm: Buckhalter races up the left sideline and behind Bobby, who is knocked over by Brooking (who in turn is more concerned with making the tackle than saving a friendship). Dallas 5, Bobby 1.

5:15 pm: Dallas punts and the Denver returner dodges a few tacklers before being taken down. Bobby scratches and claws his way to the downed-returner. Well, crawls.

5:18 pm: With two potential injuries on the field, Fox takes us to commercial with their somber piano version of the NFL on Fox outro-theme.

5:22 pm: 3rd and 1 is still 3rd down, aka Bobby Down. He doesn't appear to be anywhere on the play. His hands must feel idle during road games (no waving to pump up the crowd).

5:24 pm: Someone should track how many 1st down conversions Dallas' defense allows on 2nd down. It's cute if you want to keep Bobby off the field, but 1st downs mean the offense is moving the ball. Not good.

5:25 pm: Boy, that sure looked like Bobby had some pass interference going in coverage...

5:27 pm: Bobby is nowhere near the play on 3rd and inches, but chooses to point where he feels the ball should be spotted.

5:28 pm: Wade's sunglasses are off!

5:28 pm: Dallas prevents Knowshon Moreno from converting the 4th and inches, but Bobby was blocked out, somehow falling toward the Denver side of the ball. Science tells me someone on Denver had to get around him and then push him for that to happen...

5:31 pm: Turns out Bobby was cut from under by an offensive lineman. But he managed to fall back-first into the Denver o-line, maybe as an F-U.

5:32 pm: BOBBY ON THE SPECIAL TEAMS PUNT TACKLE!

5:35 pm: Another conversion on 2nd down by Denver.

5:39 pm: Bobby falls into coverage on 3rd down and looks absolutely helpless on a tackle attempt on Daniel Graham. Graham just bounces off and keeps running.

5:40 pm: Wouldn't that have been a great punt return for a touchdown by Patrick Crayton? I still think he was an idiot for touching it at his own 5-yard line, but whatever. The play was whistled dead due to touchback.

5:47 pm: Martellus Bennett is called for holding, erasing a good Tashard Choice run. Dallas will not succeed this year with all these stupid errors.

5:48 pm: Back to back overthrows by Romo. Implosion.

5:50 pm: Bobby is in on the punt. He manages to run just close enough to the action to look interested, yet just far enough to avoid getting his hands dirty. Just fast enough to get there, but just slow enough to contribute. He is the embodiment of the generic office cubicle worker. Bobby, Real American Microcosm?

5:53 pm: Igor Olshansky strong like bull.

5:56 pm: Denver, no doubt intimidated by 3rd down Bobby, calls a timeout.

5:58 pm: Scandrick punches the air and is knocked down by the upper momentum.

5:59 pm: I don't know how, but after the Denver field goal, the game is 10-10 with 6 minutes left in the game. Both teams should have scored more points by now, but stupid mistakes make everyone impotent.

6:07 pm: One more converted 2nd down by Denver.

6:09 pm: I can't believe that actually happened. A near-Terence Newman interception or tip is plucked out of the air by Brandon Marshall and taken through a lazy Dallas defense to the house. Denver leads, 17-10.

6:14 pm: SAM HURD, 53 yards! Down to the Denver-20 on a 4th and 3 prayer.

6:20 pm: Dallas sneaks inside the Denver-5 and isn't able to punch it in. Turnover on downs with under 10 seconds left. Game over. Denver wins, 17-10. Is Denver that good, or is Dallas that bad? It may not matter-- the confidence Denver gains from these wins makes them better. But both teams would benefit from fewer penalties and mental mistakes. I hear the Mavericks are getting preseason going...

Barbie Watch, Week 3

Every week, Alex and Chris track the highs and lows of former first round pick Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. Tonight, the Dallas Cowboys hope to record their first home win in their new stadium with a Monday night game against the Carolina Panthers. Posting is relative to Arlington, Texas, at Dallas Standard Time, unless stated otherwise.

7:01 pm: Word on the street is the Cowboys are going to use much more of the famed "Wildcat" offense tonight. Naturally, Mr. Carpenter has been lobbying for some offensive snaps, and brought some secret plays he and Marco Rivera drew up in their hotel room this weeked. These plays have since been dubbed "The Bobcat."

7:31 pm: Bobby gets some facetime right off the bat, walking into the stadium chatting up Scandrick. We imagine the conversation went something like this:

Bob: "Hey, Orlando, you're good enough for some camera time right?"

Orlando: "Yeah, they're filming me and Jenkins walking in together so they get our nameplates on our backs in dim lighting. CLASSIC"

Bob: " Oh, really? Have fun with that. I'm sure it will be a lasting memory for you."

(He then turns and rubs his hands together in an evil fashion)

7:37 pm: As mentioned earlier, Marco Rivera has returned to being the cool older guy who hangs out with the kids. You know, the guy who kept coming back to his old high school to brag about frat conquests and impress impressionable 15-year old girls. Rivera is wearing vintage 2005 Dallas Cowboys issue gear and has secured a spot on the sidelines.

Speaking of high school girls and Marco Rivera, did you know Rivera was a teammate of Mark Chmura's on the Green Bay Packers? Rumor has it Rivera was a few blocks away that prom night with some cold ones before his car broke down. And so Rivera's legacy and good name are notably different from Chmura's.

7:49 pm: The Dallas Cowboys drove down the field, looked amazing, then lost it all trying to be cute with a trick play. Folk then missed the eventual field goal attempt. Bobby uses this as an opportunity to hype up the Bobcat formation to Jason Garrett. I mean, if you want to waste a down...

7:54 pm: Jeff Otah shouts out to a girl in the area code. Flo is visibly upset.

7:57 pm: Bobby in on 3rd downs has come up with a new, original, signature move. He calls it, "Raising the Roof," or, alternatively, "Pumping up the crowd." He's so proud of himself, he even does it right before banging some strange in the club.

8:03 pm: Bobby back on special team duty, where he practices his first signature, "The Three Second Rule." 3 seconds after the whistle blows, jump on top of the pile. Just to make sure. He then points to Rivera in the stands as a shout out.

8:08 pm: Bobby tells Jenkins to move up on the blitz, then performs the "waving arms/ pump up the crowd" classic. Pressure is square on top of Delhomme. I credit Bobby for orchestrating that chaos.

8:10 pm: Pumped up by all the hand-waving and the big third down stop (which he engineered), Bobby begins to refer to himself as "The Conductor." He adjusts the radio dial on his iHelmet to pick up WRR 101.1 FM, Dallas' classical music station.

Bobby starts shaking his head vigorously while air-pianoing to some Beethoven-- the video monitors pick up Bobby's private concert. Bobby, thinking Beethoven was "the blind one, right?," stumbles around and falls into 3 Gatorade coolers to add to the effect. Beethoven was the deaf one, but unfortunately Bobby isn't-- and gets to hear 90,000 fans laughing at his little accident.

8:27 pm: Bobby "The Conductor" Carpenter had a chance to make the tackle there, but he was too busy custom-tailoring his jersey to have tails, just like a real conductor of a real orchestra.

8:41 pm: Igor Olshansky strong like bull.

8:56 pm: I agree. Boo. Boo, indeed.

HALFTIME: Panthers 7, Cowboys 0.

9:12 pm: Igor Olshansky strong like 2 bulls.

9:16 pm: Flozell false-started! He's back together with his girl back home! True love exists!

9:17 pm: Flo then promptly gets himself injured so he can go have make up sex.

9:21 pm: With Tashard presumably down at the one, Bobby is seen on the red phone talking to Wes Phillips about running the real Bobcat. He'll get it in. He promises.

9:22 pm: Flozell Adams is back in the game. He can clearly keep it in the pants, no matter how much the Panthers try to force him to false-start. The TE jumps early, but the cameras went right to Flo. He doesn't love his girl THAT much, guys. Jeez.

(Just kidding. He totally does.)

9:29 pm: Igor Olshansky strong like 3 bulls.

9:30 pm: Barbie pirouettes up to steve smith and just kinda lays on him all gentle like. Keith Brooking is seen on the sideline playing "Dueling Banjos" a la Deliverence

9:34 pm: Bobcat

9:47 pm: Flozell false-starts again, this time sending a message to that no-name Panther who false-started earlier in the game. She's mine. Hands off. I love you.

9:50 pm: Bobby, inspired by the recent Axe commercials, begins a series of EXTREME stunts on the sideline while Dallas is on offense.

First, he sneaks Powerade into the Gatorade, mostly as an F-U to big business.

Next, he runs the length of the sidelines and cannonballs into the giant misting fans.

Finally, he pantses Dave Campo.

After each stunt, he yells, "DOUBLE PITS TO CHESTY!" and caps it with the crossed-arm, WWF "suck it" gesture.

10:00 pm: Seemingly absent from the game as of late, Bobby was just discovered by Jason Garrett calling those last two red zone plays. After telling nearly everyone to suck it 10 minutes ago, Bobby went ahead and decided to go ahead and tell Jason to suck it for not implementing the Bobcat on the goaline. He may have cost us the game, but he's ok with it. Because he made a point, damnit.

10:05 pm: Bobby was in on the 3rd down, seen pointing to the crowd. ESPN immediately flipped to a shot of a man with long, blonde hair in a white Cowboys jersey. Bobby was hoping that, maybe, just maybe this time, best friend AJ Hawk could finally watch him play. And if things went right, maybe drag some 200-pound Midwestern babes out of there and into Ghost Bar. And then back home, of course. Just like the college days.

Instead, it was just some dude in a blonde wig. Sigh. Cue the sad Charlie Brown piano music, iHelmet.

10:22 pm: Bobby has been MIA on the field. Rumor has it with the game clinched, he ran up to the video board to plan his next Phantom of the HDTV prank. Our team is investigating.

10:24 pm: You throw at Bobby Carpenter and you go NOWHERE. Double pits to chesty, Carolina.

10:25 pm: 2 straight tackles for the Bobcat. Is this actually a Bob-terminator, sent from the future to destroy all preconceived notions of Bobby Carpenter? If so, John Conner is doing his job well.

10:26 pm: Carolina is playing with fire. They throw in Bobby's general direction AGAIN, tempting fate. Bobby has a little difficulty finesse-tackling the Panther, and even tries finesse-knocking him out of bounds, but decides to let him run up-field in-bounds a little longer before taking him down. Keep that clock running.

10:27 pm: Dallas keeps Bobby in the game for the drive. If he's on the field, he can't run his mouth about the new Bobcat Offense. Bobby is sent on two more end blitzes and also gives up a first down-- but not before nudging the ball with his knee a few yards short of the first down marker. The refs still gave Carolina the first down. You can't fault a guy for trying.

10:35 pm: Dallas holds on to win, 21-7. The Bobcat is getting even more playing time, which means more face time, which means more honies from the greater Columbus, Ohio, area. And Igor Olshansky still strong like bull.

Barbie Watch, Week 2

Every week, Alex and Chris track the statistics and antics of former first round pick Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. Tonight, the Dallas Cowboys open their brand new stadium with a Sunday night game against the New York Giants. Posting is relative to Arlington, Texas, at Dallas Standard Time, unless stated otherwise.

4:30 am: Rest assured, Barbie spent all summer mastering the floor plans and intricacies of Cowboys Stadium. Instead of getting an honest night's sleep before the home opener, Carpenter finished installing his "Phantom of the Opera" lair in the basement, complete with a hydraulic lift that will elevate him to ground level (at a safe speed, of course). Instead of ruining the field, though, the lift is designed to rip through the bottom of a ground-level luxury suite. This is unprecedented player-fan interaction, another hallmark of Cowboys Stadium.

4:45 am: Lights out. Carpenter spends the night on top of the behemoth-tron.

6:30 pm: Football night in America just showed a brief clip of Tony throwing the football, then glancing up at the video board, with the glance turning into a full on stare. He looked surprised, dumbfounded even. It was then that the famous organ play from Phantom began playing, and a turd dropped from high on the video board directly into the overturned helmet of Eli Manning. Bobby has been awarded "Prank King" by those two guys who do that prank show on MTV.

7:28 pm: Interesting choice making the daughter of former Giant Phillipi Sparks sing the national anthem. An omen of things to come?

7:34 pm: With the first series all for naught, Bobby may have made his first appearance on the punt coverage, however, he didn't show his signature "show up 5 seconds after the play." No word yet on possible injuries.

7:39 pm: Bobby in on 3rd down, and squats in the middle of the field, taunting Manning about his earlier prank. Manning responds with a completion. Bobby goes to the sideline to order some Skoal.

7:44 pm: George Bush: You know who's really funny? That Frank Caliendo. He does a great impression of you. Jon Madden: He does a damn good one of you too. Bush: Could you say Boom! for me? Madden: I'm retired. Could you start a war for me? Bush: Point taken.

7:52 pm: First touchdown at the new stadium. Here we go, Boys.

7:55 pm: Sinorice Moss slips on the wet spot from the prank cleanup earlier in the game. Giggling, Bobby taps him down, 3 seconds after he falls. Signature.

7:59 pm: On 3rd down, Bobby "Jack 'the Assassin' Tatum" Carpenter takes Eli down split seconds after he throws the ball. It's not a sack, but there is potential for injury. Bobby springs up yelling "JUST LIKE LEFTWICH" to Eli, who missed any context that would make that reference make sense.

8:04 pm: Roy shows no effort going for an errant throw, this writer asks if RoyShonda Williams from training camp is back, or if that was all Tony's fault.

8:06 pm: Just like that, Dallas coughs up the ball again on the kickoff return. Are these last two gaffes the twin 80-yard runs Baltimore gave us in the Texas Stadium closer? Are we moving back in time? Keep in mind that's not necessarily a bad thing.

8:07 pm: Barbie realizes we're moving back in time and finds new meaning in his jersey number. Say hello to Bobby "Randy 'Manster' White" Carpenter.

8:11 pm: The first quarter is over, and the Cowboys are knocking on the door of dissappointment. Bobby and his Ohio State Linebacking alumni friends answer, and say "Welcome, did you bring the chips?"

8:14 pm: 3rd and goal puts Bobby on the line, ready to blitz. Right for Eli. Unfortunately, the left tackle has other plans, but Bobby at least gets his hands waving in the air--almost to say, "Hello world, it's me. Bobby."

8:21 pm: "That's a major motherfuckin' facemask. First down bitches."

8:32 pm: Bobby C was in waiting on the tackle for the kickoff coverage, only to play matador to sinorice. Bobby apparently trained in the offseason with bulls to help his strength. His instincts, however, were apparently affected.

8: 36 pm: The Cowboys put BC out on the line again for some deathblitzing. In lieu of Ware. Minutes earlier, Wade told Ware to give up a few plays to Bobby for, you know, self-esteem purposes. Teamsmanship. Morale.

Bobby was stopped by that pesky left tackle again.

8:42 pm: Bobby C on the punt tackle, but he only grabbed a leg. Steve Octavien jumped on top and was credited with the tackle. Octavien is given high fives and gatorade. Bobby is given sneers.

8:50 pm: Flozell Adams: "Take me back, baby. I miss you" with the trip.

9:06 pm: There have been way too many crazy, bad-luck bounces in the first half. The Giants lead 20-17 and have 17 points off Dallas turnovers. If Coach Wade can't motivate these players, Bobby knows what will: sneaking Copenhagen or urine into the Gatorade.

During last night's stadium sleepover, Bobby watched The Dark Knight on the giant video monitor and was taken by one character in particular: Two-Face. Your fate rests on the flip of a coin. Good or bad? Life or death? It comes down to a coin flip.

Copenhagen or urine? Coin flip.

Just to make it more authentic, Bobby proceeds to paint half his face. Well, with eyeblack.

9:22 pm: The Giants return the 3rd quarter kickoff. Instantly, three Cowboys attach themselves to the returner. Bobby was in on it, too. I doubt he gets credit.

9:30 pm: Missed FG by Tynes, Bobby coated the ball in pre-chewed skoal before the snap. Slipped right off his foot.

9:41 pm: I think Barbie just put himself on the post-season cutlist. Carpenter gets called for holding. If it was all in the name of facetime, well, mission accomplished. But I think that's what happens when you put a big guy on a finesse linebacker. Bobby receives the most attention he's had all season from Collinsworth. Wade, frustrated, looks for his Oakley sunglasses.

9:56 pm: Igor Olshansky strong like bull.

9:58 pm: Bobby in on 3rd down, can't run fast enough because his mouth is full of chew-spit. Bobby writes a note to remember to buy the iHelmet spitoon add-on.

10:20 pm: Things have been quiet at the Barbie Watch. That happens when the Cowboys have the ball a lot on offense and find ways to turn the ball over. The Giants then stick to 1st and 2nd downs exclusively, and Barbie is a 3rd down specialist. Well, he was in just now, and his favorite thing to do is pump up the crowd with his arms. The flap thing that means "more noise, please." Barbie then fell into coverage and turned his back to the quarterback. Sooner or later, Eli will exploit that kind of cover.

Wade is still looking for his sunglasses.

10:32 pm: Bobby in on the tackle. I think he took a quick sabbatical to watch the go go dancers in the stadium cages. Word is he offered locks of hair and his left sock for them to strip. They all put on jackets.

10:48 pm: I'm typically a man of faith, but after 44-6, Baltimore, and this game, it's official. The Cowboys just absolutely can not win games that mean anything. Playoff berth, Closing of Texas Stadium, and the Opening of Cowboys Stadium.

Barbie Watch: School's out

There will not be a Barbie Watch tonight for the final preseason game against the Minnesota Vikings. Be sure to support Bobby's pseudo-brother Rudy tonight, though.

See you all in a few days for the regular season!

Barbie Watch: Preseason, Week 3

Every week, Alex and Chris track the statistics and antics of former first round pick Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. Tonight, the Cowboys take on the San Francisco 49ers. All locations Arlington unless stated otherwise.

5:45 pm: Alex, attending tonight's preseason game, texted me the following:

Found: 1 man with child. Child in Witten, man in Carpenter jersey.

Foreshadowing? Metaphor? Big Ten - SEC superiority statement? Has Bobby supplanted Jason Witten as team leader?

7:05 pm: Opening kickoff, Cowboys are receiving. Can I say I'm glad the 49ers have returned to a classic uniform? This game is very easy on the eyes. Beautiful.

7:15 pm: The Cowboys have to settle for a field goal on fourth down, but a Proctor hold erases the 3 points and forces the Cowboys to punt. Still no sight of Bobby ... even two seconds after the whistle blows, when he usually jogs into the camera's sight.

7:18 pm: Dallas' defensive starters are announced--Bobby is riding the pine tonight. Someone has to hold Keith Brooking's Skoal, and Bobby doesn't trust #52, Matt Stewart, whom you may remember as Bobby's over-achieving doppelganger .

7:23 pm: Dallas forces a 49er punt for a touchback. No sight of Bobby blocking on the kick return. Does Bobby still have poison ivy? Perhaps David Buehler forged a note from the team doctor stating poison ivy requires a one-game quarantine, and delivered it to Wade?

7:30 pm: As it turns out, Bobby was missing in action because he was told to fetch a tin of Copenhagen from Brooking's Ford F-650. The only problem? Brooking's truck was parked at the Cici's Pizza across from Cowboys Stadium. Anything for a friend.

See if you can solve this SAT question.

Popeye : spinach :: Keith Brooking : ____

The answer, of course, is dip. With more dip (courtesy of our Midwestern Mercury), Brooking and the linebacking corps should be unstoppable.

7:35 pm: Romo interception returned 57 yards by San Francisco. Bobby, wishing to help his former best friend, replaces Romo's mouthpiece with a pure-tobacco replica--you know, for the energy. I mean, it works for the linebackers, right?

7:36 pm: Romo rips the tobacco-mouthpiece off his facemask and throws it to the floor. It wasn't too hard, considering tobacco is a tad weaker than a normal mouthpiece.

7:40 pm: I finally see Bobby on TV. His ponytail is hanging outside his helmet. Mini-tribute to Brian Bosworth?

7:53 pm: Romo-to-Witten secret play = completion. Dallas then runs Marion Barber and Felix Jones all the way to the end zone for the first score of the night. Dallas leads, 7-0.

7:56 pm: No sight of Bobby on the kickoff. Until the camera panned to the sideline.

8:00 pm: Today is Jay Ratliff's birthday. Bobby sneaks a pinch of Skoal into a slice of ice cream cake and waits for Jay to come back to the sideline for his birthday boost surprise.

8:01 pm: Ratliff sees the cake waiting for him on the bench, beams, and takes a huge bite. Bobby hides sheepishly behind the Gatorade cooler, ready to spring out in case Jay likes his surprise. Jay spits the cake out in disgust, utters a string of unbloggable profanities, and throws the cake at a uniformed #52 Matt Stewart, mistaking him for Bobby. Crisis averted, Bobby thinks to himself, as he pops in another Big League Chew.

8:03 pm: False start, Dallas offense. Typical--but this time the penalty is on Marc Colombo and Leonard Davis. We still have no pre-snap penalties from Flozell Adams, who usually uses those as a shout-out to his girl back home. Is everything okay in Hotel Flo?

8:07 pm: Field goal for Dallas, now up 10-0.

8:09 pm: Buehler chases a 49er out of bounds on the kickoff, just inches away from a collision with Bobby on the sideline. Next time, Buehler mutters. Next time.

8:15 pm: Rant of convenience here: there is only one instance of black on the entire San Francisco uniform, and it's on that redundant second oval around the helmet logo. Why can't you remove that, SF? I mean, really? You make all these great strides by removing the shadows and extra outlines from your numerals, but then you keep that one remaining flaw? Sigh.

8:17 pm: TACKLE, BOBBY CARPENTER! Is this a result of fresh legs, or the dip he's sneaking?

8:19 pm: Bobby's tackle plays a big part in holding San Francisco to a 42 yard field goal. 10-3, Dallas, at the half. Bobby plans to fashion a second mouthpiece from pure Skoal (Romo destroyed the original) instead of listening to the halftime speech. It's okay--Bobby is a visual and tactile learner, anyway.

8:40 pm: Plenty of time has passed with no sign of Bobby. Too much tobacco ingested sent Bobby to the trainers to throw up and replenish lost fluids. In the meantime, Bobby edited Wikipedia's tobacco entries to include the football-related benefits of Skoal, namely the energy boost.

8:52 pm: Carpenter avoids a pass-interference penalty as he dives to deflect a Brock Huard pass. No flag + no catch = the late '90s WWF "suck it" gesture towards the SF bench, via Bobby.

9:04 pm: SF's Nate Davis runs with the ball and slides into Bobby's feet. Bobby leans forward (still standing), taps Davis on the back, and is credited with a tackle.

9:06 pm: Carpenter is locked up with SF's #76 and rendered impotent, unable to stop the leaping rusher from scoring. Touchdown SF, game tied at 10.

9:31 pm: #52 Matt Stewart is in the game, which means anything good will be credited to fake Bobby, and anything bad will be blamed on real Bobby.

9:35 pm: Isaiah Stanback fumbled a catch away into the hands of San Francisco. I think he just cut himself from the team.

9:50 pm: The past few drives have been a back and forth exercise in futility. We're tied at 13 now.

9:56 pm: Thanks to some untimely flags, SF is approaching the end zone with under a minute left in the game.

9:58 pm: Touchdown, Sheets and the 49ers. SF leads, 20-13.

10:01 pm: Bobby was in on the kickoff return, but he mostly ran into things and flinched in the general direction of the returner.

10:06 pm: Cowboys lose, 20-13.

Final: Well, it was a busy first half of the game for Bobby, but things grew quiet as the game progressed. We can only guess that Skoal provides a strong burst of initial energy, but burns out after a quarter or two. As for Brooking, he spent the rest of the game enjoying some Dodge Hemi commercials on his Blackberry, including one favorite. You know, the one where the Southern girls pop out of nowhere? Mix in some dogs and dip and you've nailed Keith's fantasy. Enjoy, and good night.

Barbie Watch: Preseason week 2, and the Opening of God's House

Every week, Alex and Chris track the statistics and antics of former first round pick Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. Tonight, he faces off against the Tennessee Titans in the preseason home opener. Expectations are high in 2009. All locations Arlington unless stated otherwise.

6:38 pm: Issues are already arriving here at the new stadium, with Titans punters hitting the video board with their punts. Angry at taking his spot on punt team, Bobby is rumored to have spent his entire rookie signing bonus to lower the video board 10 feet to interfere with David Buehler's extraordinary kickoffs.

7:05 pm: Bobby Carpenter plays the national anthem? And cut his hair? How embarrassing....

7:12 pm: Bobby sees his first action back in his old position on punt team. He ends up around the tackle, but most definitely not in on it. He's such an important member of the team, he didn't want to get himself injured.

7:14 pm: Bobby sees his first action on defense on the third down set. Kevin Burnett is behind his television laughing.

7:25 pm: As the Cowboys' offense dinks and dunks down the field, Bobby finds any excuse to use the restrooms. Only marginally more knowledgeable about the new stadium than the ushers, Bobby can get away with 15-minute intervals for exploration. Carpenter finds the "giant video screen" room and lowers the monitor just one more inch. No one will notice. Except Buehler.

7:34 pm: Buehler kicks off after the Cowboys score the first touchdown of the game, going up 7-0. His kick narrowly dodges a low-hanging RGB cord and sails down the field. Bobby ends up near the returner in a mass of humanity, but fails to make the tackle. In fact, he just kind of stuck his arms out and.. eh, can't reach--essentially challenging the new "special teams headhunter" David Buehler to live up to his billing. Buehler is beat to the punch by Sensabaugh. But he got there.

7:40 pm: Keith Brooking, in an act of extreme friendship, got in Wade's ear and told him Bobby is a superior player, and the defense needs more finesse. Bobby was granted at least a series with the starters, while Brooking takes his puppies for a walk and slaps a bag of chew in his Georgian mouth.

7:50 pm: Is it just us, or is Flozell Adams looking more statuesque this season? Svelte, even?

8:03 pm: Anthony Spencer brings the heat and puts pressure on Kerry Collins. That's what the TV shows. Who brought the heat from the left? Ol' chargin' 54, our Barbie, of course. Brooking, meanwhile, added the TBS app on his BlackBerry--for Atlanta Braves updates and Tyler Perry webisodes.

8:17 pm: Bobby has been curiously absent for the last 15 or so minutes of the game. Pam Oliver caught up with him grabbin a gourmet Kobe Beef burger and taking a seat on the 50 yardline to enjoy the hypnotizing show put on by the 60 yard screen. He gave his jersey to a 3 year old fan, in order to more adequately fit in. He is, however, still wearing his shoulder pads and helmet.

8:20 pm: You may be wondering why FOX and the referees are having issues with their microphones. Unfortunately, New Cowboys Stadium is not yet equipped to handle the technological demands of microphones and Bobby's iHelmet. Nothing goes better with football than Bobby's March 2008 Maxim Russia podcast.

8:21 pm: Touchdown, Titans, now up 10-7. Dallas' walkie-talkies have been screwed up all night and the defense suffers for miscommunication. Why? Well, interference from Carpenter's iHelmet, of course (crazy Maxim Russia spring break podcast).

8:34 pm: Halftime. Cowboys are up 14-10. If you're keeping track from home, yes, that long-flowing golden mane was right there on the kickoff, just in case the Titan decided to run the ball in after the whistle.

8:49 pm: Bobby is back, in on the tackle late, just throwing it in for some umph. More notable, he's playing alongside new BFFL Keith Brooking. Inside sources tell us that they share dip in between plays, and discuss the future of the buckeyes.

9:04 pm: The punt from Jeff Trepasso hits the scoreboard. Bobby's plan once again fails to affect the intended player and instead benefits the Cowboys. Maybe it is a good thing we kept him. Also, Bobby is now in the game for at least the next quarter, and his effect is still nil. Bobby, having never chewed dip before but wanting to seem cool to his new friend (Brooking), is reportedly having a Sandlot moment, when the kids are on the spinning hat at the fair. Watch for a McNabb style hurl.

9:09 pm: Also, Flo managed to exit the game without a false start penalty. Is there trouble in paradise?

9:10 pm: Bobby throws up in the men's room all over his football jersey. Just like homecoming. He swears to never use tobacco products to impress new friends again. Just like homecoming.

9:14 pm: Bobby's compromised sense of balance shows up as he stumbles into the Titan runner. Meanwhile, who is this #52?

9:30 pm: If you're wondering if Bobby is still in--yes, but he only shows up two seconds after the whistle is blown. Try the same trick at home on each play.

9:33 pm: On the biggest play in Barbie's short career, he stops the inVince-able one for a loss on 3rd down. Way to pump that fist, Bob.

9:45 pm: Bobby is officially done for the night. Thanks for following along. We're gearing up for 2009. Get ready for some fireworks, followed closely by laser light shows and gatorade baths.

PS: 9:47 pm: Matt Stewart has been identified as #52. In uniform, he is nearly indistinguishable from Bobby. Stewart comes up with the interception and runs back to the sideline for congratulations and slaps from coaches and teammates--but everyone addresses him as Bobby. Meanwhile, the real Bobby stews off to the side, upset that someone else is stealing his thunder, cramping his style, and receiving credit for it. Luckily, Bobby has just the app for this situation on his iHelmet--with the push of a button, steam billows out.

Preseason Game 1: The Comeback

After a long summer, we here at Barbie are back with a vengeance. Chris and I were both away from our computers for the first preseason game, so here's a quick recap of the action:

Bobby started the game on the third down defense, and, as usual, had nearly no effect with the starters. In fact, he looked confused. The second quarter came around, and to my surprise, Bobby is apparently the one designated on the 2nd team defense to wear the play-calling helmet. Also, to my surprise, Bobby was actually listening to the plays, and not Keane's first album on repeat through the iHelmet. The 2nd quarter and beyond is just filled with bad news for Cowboys fans. The OAKLAND RAIDERS BACKUPS ran all over us. Our second team defense was so bad, in fact, it made Bobby look GOOD. That's right. After the starters were subbed out, Bobby had at least 2 clean tackles and a pass defense that in every right should have been an interception if he had any talent.

Bobby would later complain that his gloves were coated in some sort of grease, with a note saying "see you Week 6, signed, ZT"

Keith Brooking later consoled Bobby, and encouraged him to keep his head and his hair up. Some people will just never understand how difficult it is to be Bobby C.

No word yet on if Bobby and Brooking are actually buddies.

Look for Bobby Watch to start again preseason Week 2.