Week 11 Postmortem

A look back at the week, our picks, and our blunders.

Alex: Check this out. Wait for the sponser.

Chris: Are you serious? Is Ty serious?

Alex: Yes. Isn't that great?

Chris: There is too much wrong with that ad... uniform, logo, everything. A van. Men in vans don't equal safety.

Alex: According to Ty Detmer, former Heisman winner, they do. And if you can't trust a great college football player, who can you trust? I mean, Maurice Clarett is like my best friend. Great financial advisor, I might add.

Chris: I routinely keep $25,000 worth of stuff in my car now (I forget if that was the worth of his stolen goods).

Alex: I don't remember. My one lasting image of him is in that orange jumpsuit. And I also remember thinking to myself when the Bronco's drafted him, "See, now the Broncos are going to have another 1000 yard rusher, he was good in college, just had some problems." Man, did I ever eat my words. I feel that's a good holiday opener.

Alex: Moving into last week, our first difference was the now infamous tie game between Cincy and Philly. Given that neither of us won, or really lost, just give me your thoughts on Donovan.

Chris: I just hope the Bengals' lack of an offense there wont end up hurting the Cowboys in the wildcard race. And Donovan needs to learn the NFL rulebook. At least the page on regular season overtime. Now you'll wonder if he intentionally toned it down because he thought maybe there would be a 2OT

Alex: Here's the thing that confuses me. The last tie game was in 2002. Pittsburgh and Atlanta. Donovan was in his prime then. It's not like he wasn't in the league. So, given that that was big news then, I don't understand how he misses it.

Alex: Second difference, You had KC and I had NO. NO is flaky this year, I'm just going off hunches with them.

Chris: Yeah. Sooner or later, KC might just learn how to finish.

Alex: Well, maybe they should talk to Cleveland, 'cause it seems they finally figured it out.

Chris: If you kick enough field goals, one may eventually win the game for you.

Alex: Haha. Bingo.

Alex: Next difference. FUCK Joe Flacco. Bal for me, NYG for you. Gah. I'm officially picking Bal to win the Dallas-Bal game. Just to ensure Dallas wins.

Chris: Good. He doesn't like you. He's going to go against every pick you make of his games.

Alex: I feel like we need a Joe Flacco rule. Whatever I put on paper is the opposite of what I think will actually happen.

Chris: Haha. Sadly that won't get you the win on paper, but it will in your heart.

Alex: That's all that counts. Didn't you see Rudy?

Chris: Sho 'nuff

Alex: Ok, 3rd and final difference in week 11. Chi-Gb. I had GB. Ouch, C-bass.

Chris: Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking. Maybe GB would collapse. Implode. Because the only way Chicago can win is to benefit from someone else messing up.

Alex: Yeah, I mean don't get me wrong. I have very little faith in GB. But with Orton injured still a little, and Rex just completely incompetent. I have no faith in Chi-town at the moment.

Chris: We need division leaders to start running away with games.

Alex: Roethlis-rating?

Chris: Not world-beating but good enough. Basically the trend of this year.

Alex: Pretty much. Roethlis-tenderized.

Other holiday slip-ups:

Records this week
Alex: 11-4-1
Chris: 9-6-1

Overall records
Alex: 96-63-1
Chris: 101-58-1

Barbie Watch, Week 11

Every week, Alex and Chris scour the NFL for Bobby Carpenter sightings and log each with time and location. Tonight our focus heads to the nation's capital Landover, Maryland. The game is set to kick-off at 7:15 pm, CT, with or without Bobby Carpenter.

All locations Washington, D.C., Landover, Maryland unless stated otherwise.

7:01 pm - Will Bobby play? Time will tell... For those scoring at home, Washington is wearing white at home, which means the Cowboys are wearing back luck blue. Disrespect is the highest form of respect.

7:22 pm - Andrea Kramer interviews Romo's pinkie.

7:28 pm - Dallas punts after its first series. Bobby is nowhere to be seen, but rest assured, he would have 1) nailed the tackle, and 2) not grabbed a facemask. For the rest of the night, I think we can assume Bobby is wearing jeans and his Cowboys jersey on the sidelines, high school style. That is, unless Bobby is dropped off via parachute from the Blue Angels.

7:36 pm - Remember the old commercial where a football team is given muscle relaxants before a game, and they all fall over at the line? See the Dallas Defense. It has been noted that Bobby was seen walking out of Wade's office this week, with a bottle of unknown origin, snickering to himself, "If I can't play, then no one can...."

7:42 pm - Flozell Adams commits his 23rd false start since 2007. What no one else knows is false starting is his special way of shouting out to his woman back home. Don't worry— she loves him, too.

7:45 pm - Bobby just did his team a favor, but unknowingly. The coaches, knowing Bobby was upset about not playing, and also knowing he is colorblind, dressed him in Maroon tonight and placed him on the opposite sideline. Bobby called a timeout, trying to throw off Tony Romo's rhythm on offense, to prove how badly the Cowboys need him. It is noted that Bobby is still unsure how the Redskins were awarded the timeout, and why Wade looks so slim, and is more "aw shucks" than usual.

8:10 pm - Bobby's no fool. After the maroon jersey stunt, Bobby saunters over to the Cowboys sideline and waits to exact his revenge. His victim? Terrell Owens. Washington intercepts Romo on another slant pass to TO. What broke his focus? Beams from Bobby's laser pointer/ ballpoint pen keychain, shining directly into TO's eyes. Who says you can't find good stuff in airplane mall catalogs?

8:34 pm - Romo goes up and down the field, spreading out passes to TO, (the good) Roy, Barber, and Witten. TO's key grab takes the Cowboys inside the 5, and also shows TO can hang onto a ball. Anyone can catch a ball when you don't have a laser pointer directed at your eyes. Wade's son, Wesley (in charge of quality control) caught Bobby pointing the laser at Zach Thomas' crotch along the sidelines and took it away. Cowboys score a TD on a Barber run.

8:36 pm - Bobby has found his way up to the booth, and, on a hope that he may play running back, by telling coach Barber's fire is out, he challenges the ruling. Good thing the refs know better.

8:45 pm - The team heads to the locker room for halftime, but Wade tells Bobby he can't come in the room since he's not dressed to play today. "Sorry, Bobby, but you need to be suited up in pads," Wade warns. "Nothing personal, just business." Bobby takes a page from Mike Singletary's playbook and drops his pants as a motivational tool, trying anything he can to prove he should be in that locker room. Unfortunately, Wade shut the door while Bobby was working on his button-fly. So Bobby returns to the sideline to plan revenge. And he waits.

9:07 pm - With that interception, Bobby is seen sulking on the sidelines, as he can't tell anyone on the punt or fg try that he could've made the block to change the game, if he were in of course.

9:10 pm - Wesley Phillips, not really doing anything, takes out Bobby's laser pointer and can't figure out how to work it. So he calls Bobby over and asks him to show him the ropes. Bobby says, "Okay, I'll show you... only if I can hold it to show you." Wesley hands it over. And Bobby sprints away, snickering. First thing Bobby does? Shines it at TO, who drops a pass.

9:20 pm - Bobby, aiming for the linebacker playing his position on the FG block, gets pushed by Zach while he's on the way off the field. The laser pointer goes directly into Suisham's eyes, forcing the FG miss. Bobby is seen pacing back and forth, cursing the acme laser company.

9:52 pm - Terrance Newman breaks up a key fourth down attempt by Washington and runs down the sideline, arms out, airplane style. Bobby, thinking this was some unpatriotic shout-out to Europe in our nation's capital, runs up to Terrance on the sideline and shoves him as hard as he can in the chest, screaming "NO! It's called SOCCER! I won't let you spread the wealth!" Cowboys medical staff notifies the team psychologist.

10:07 pm - Marion Barber converts the fourth down ... and Bobby Carpenter's heart grew three sizes that play. The Cowboys win tonight!

10:08 pm - Zach Thomas walks by, grinning for no reason. "Hey rookie, thanks for winning the game tonight. You were so important to the victory. You really should be a captain," Thomas adds. "I'm just glad to be here, Mr. Thomas," Bobby chimes, returning Zach's sarcasm. "Here's a Gatorade. You deserve it." Zach takes a deep swig, until he remembers what happened last time Bobby was in charge of refreshments. He spits it out and looks around for "that little pranking sum'bitch." But Bobby is nowhere to be seen... Batman? No. NBC is doing post-game interviews and Bobby needs facetime.

Bobby Carpenter injury update

Alex: Do you want to comment on our previous breaking news? The origins of this groin injury of mystery?

Chris: I haven't heard anything new, but I will speculate that Zach Thomas shoved Bobby in the shower, causing him to skid across the tiled floor. But that didn't screw up the groin. The groin was screwed up when Bobby knelt behind Zach on all fours, Orlando Scandrick shoved Zach over Bobby, and then Bobby stood up clapping. Then Zach kicked him.

Alex: Hahaha. What was Scandrick's punishment? Or is every rookie allowed to think Bobby is cool once, until they learn?

Chris: Yeah, it's a rookie mistake. Scandrick had to mop the floor but that's about it.

Alex: Ok. I see it a bit differently. We've reported on this blog over the last 4 weeks that Bobby was campaigning for the job of center and/ or backup QB. I'm willing to bet that he went to Wade to show him he could take a snap, and Gurode delibrately snapped it early into Bobby's crotch.

Chris: hahahahaha

Alex: Gurode was the team's hero for a day.

Chris: I think it'd be hilarious if centers practice their accuracy snapping at objects in the room... say, maybe Gurode was 20 feet away and Bobby had no idea... "Hey guys, check this out."

Alex: You know what? I like that better. It's funnier. Bobby plays the role of Sunshine in Remember the Titans. Except no one ends up liking him, and he doesn't make plays.


Found at the scene of the crime... inspirational '80s music? What's on Bobby's iPod?

Week 11 in the NFL

Alex and Chris pick the weekend's NFL games and offer insight on their differences.

Alex: Ok, so, this might be a hope/prayer, but I also think Chad Johnson is due for his... I'm picking Cincy over Philly. They've had close games vs. the NFC East and I think they're at Cincy.

Chris: I think that's too dangerous, I think Philly is pissed and doesn't want to lose ground to some AFC CENTRAL opponent this year. I'm talking late '90s vintage Bengals. These aren't playoff Bengals anymore

Alex: Haha. When were they?

Chris: '80s and a spurt with Palmer.

Alex: And then in comes Kitna.

Alex: Ok, next, you have KC, who is due, I agree, but I think the Saints firepower is just way too high.

Chris: I think somehow KC escapes despite a 400 yard passing performance from Brees. Again.

Alex: Does Drew Brees break Marino's record for most yards in a season? I think he will.

Chris: Sure, why not. Small victories.

Alex: Haha. I also think, in spite of this, 8-8 for the Saints.

Chris: The Cowboys need every team to suck, so this is a great chance to get space.

Alex: Ok, finally. I picked Joe Flacco to win. Over, of all people, NYG.

Chris: And you know what that means. Shame on you! Shame. On. You.

Alex: I'm just saying. Maybe he can break the streak.

Chris: Maybe. Part of me picked NYG because I think they're better and scarier, but the other part wants them as cocky as possible for the playoffs. Not confident, but cocky.

Alex: And I picked Baltimore, because, I'll tell ya, Ray Ray is playing lights out this year. Ended RaShard Mendenhall's season. Had 2 picks last week. I'm just expecting them to play up to the Giants level.

Chris: Did he show up at your dorm door in CS?

Alex: No. Of course not. And even if said linebacker did, I would not be able to disclose that information.

Chris: Hahah.

Alex: Moving on... and no longer talking about Ray... who is a great, great linebacker, and person, who would never murder anyone...

Alex: You have Chicago, and I have GB. I'm sorry, Orton is still hurt, and Rexy... not that sexy.

Chris: I have on good word that Brian Urlacher used to be a nerd and suffered from self-esteem issues, but a change in his daily routine has given him a confidence boost, and I expect that boost to overcome any deficiencies from quarterbacking.

Alex: Hahaha. Did you sign a deal with Old Spice Swagger?

Chris: Yes, and I've been feeling great after making the switch.

Alex: Have you gained 200 pounds of muscle yet?

Chris: No, I just started. Check back in the playoffs.

Alex: Ok. Wow... So that was our last difference of the week. Pretty straightforward this week, I guess.

Chris: I think so.

Alex: Roethlis-predictions?

Chris: Roethlis-Super Nintendo, basically the greatest thing ever, especially against some yo-yo, unpredictable team.

Alex: Wow. Going beyond food products.

Chris: Whoops, forgot that.

Alex: It's ok. There are people out there that eat electronics. There's that guy in the Guiness Book of Records.

Chris: Roethlis-Super Nintendo Birthday Cake.

Alex: Hahaha. I think I agree with you, so this week I'm going Roethlis-steak tar tare. Sophisticated, and generally agree to be great, at least by the few able to experience it.

Other picks this week
New England over New York Jets
Atlanta over Denver
Carolina over Detroit
Minnesota over Tampa Bay
Miami over Oakland
Indianapolis over Houston
San Francisco over St. Louis
Arizona over Seattle
Tennessee over Jacksonville
Pittsburgh over San Diego
Dallas over Washington
Cleveland over Buffalo

Overall records
Alex: 85-59
Chris: 92-52

Week 10 Postmortem

A look back at the week, our picks, and our blunders.

Alex: You picked Detroit over Jacksonville... Ugh... guess you believed in Daunte?

Chris: Seeing teams have access to backup quarterbacks made me jealous, and I suppose I put too much stock in it. I mean, I was kind of sort of close. And by that I mean not at all.

Alex: The score was 38-10...

Chris: No more Detroit picks unless they play themselves.

Alex: Haha. That might even be a tie.

Alex: Next. Joe Flacco did it again, and I keep going the opposite direction.

Chris: Shame on you, Alex. Shame. On. You. When will you learn?

Alex: Apparently never.

Chris: Pick Flacco enough and the trend will be reversed.

Alex: Maybe I need to start doing that. We can't lose the last game in Texas Stadium toa rookie qb.

Alex: So, you also got me in the last second with IND over PIT. Who is Indy this year?

Chris: They'll be the Kansas City Chiefs of the '90s, good enough in the regular season, but the window will be closed in the playoffs. Except Kansas City's window was never Super Bowl open.

Alex: Yeah. I remember KC was always 9-7 just missed the playoffs. Like 3 straight years under Trent Green I think.

Chris: Or 12-4 and collapsed after a first-round bye.

Alex: Hey... now... I think I remember a Cowboys team did that last year.

Chris: We were at least one game better.

Alex: True. I guess that makes all the difference.

Chris: And since we were the late game, we made the final 5.

Alex: Haha.

Alex: Ok, next, SD and KC, you got SD.

Chris: Again, living by the edge of my seat here.

Alex: I'm gonna go on record, and say KC next year is gonna be the surprise turnaround of the year.

Chris: I don't doubt it. And I think they'll be due for it coming up.

Alex: This Thigpen kid looks like the real deal. Which really suprised me, considering how AWFUL he looked vs. Atlanta in his first start. Since then, he's apparently been like Romo without the W's.

Chris: So just like Romo.

Alex: No.

Chris: I'm just saying..

Alex: Romo is without the W's in the playoffs. Romo can win. Do you think Thigpen could've won that 28-27 game v. Detroit last year? Not a chance.

Chris: No, but I don't know how much of a secret weapon Furrey would be against KC. Was he a factor last year?

Alex: No, it was Sean McDonald that was our big problem. And the running game. Remember? TJ Duckett and Kevin Jones killed us. God how many times does a person say that...

Chris: Apparently no one this year.

Alex: Haha. Duckett now plays for Seattle and Jones for the Bears. So, no.

Alex: Final difference, I took NYG over your Philly. I can't give you anything for this one.

Chris: I overvalued the home crowd and undervalued Eli Manning.

Alex: Anything goes in the East.

Chris: I just wish they would lose some of these close games.

Alex: We need to mail Romo a Citizen Eco-drive. Or just steal Eli's.

Chris: But I'm glad Philly is knocked down to our level. I'd rather make the race slimmer with fewer teams. Let the Giants get confident.

Alex: I agree. I'm glad we're back in position to get into 2nd in the East by beating Washington.

Alex: Final Roethlis-rating this week?

Chris: What was the diet supplement Anna Nicole Smith repped?

Alex: HAHA. Trimspa?

Chris: Roethlis-trimspa. Close but not enough on its own.

Alex: Haha. Roethlis-shouldercut for me. It's the most tender part of his body at the moment. And it's causing his team to lose. I think they should've played the Subway Leftwich.

Other dandies:

Records this week
Alex: 9-5
Chris: 10-4

Overall records
Alex: 85-59
Chris: 92-52