Sunday, November 21, 2010

We're BACK!

The Barbie-watch makes it's triumphant return today at 12:00pm central daylight time, since we have found out that number 59 for the lions is none other than our favorite finesse linebacker.
(The lions signed me? You serious?)
11:46 pm: Bobby, running around in his new favorite baby blue, passes Keith Brooking and new token white linebacker Sean Lee, who is busy holding Keith's spitoon. Bobby convinces Sean to allow him to hold it for a while, just for old time's sake. Sean thanks him and runs off before Keith can say anything. Bobby then trips, and spills Keith's tobacco-spit all over his new Skoal-sponsered cleats. Keith looks down and sees his old gimp, smiles, and says "Bobcat, good to see you. How's Detroit? You know what, forget the pleasantries, come here." Keith goes in for a big hug. Finally, the admiration and affection Bobby's always deserved! In a quick move however, Keith grabs the back of Bobcat's tighty whities and hangs him from the Cowboys fan-heater. "ATOMIC WEDGIE! haha, classic" Keith screams, rushing off the field. Bobby, noticable upset, then struggles his way down and sulks back over to the sideline.
12:05 pm: The first first down of the game by Detroit comes quickly, with the Cowboys playing on a noticeably slimmer field. The play is followed by an Igor Olshanksy tackle. Strong like bull.
12:07 pm: SACK by Stephen Bowen and Jay Ratliff. A decent start for the cowboys defense, however the Lions down the punt at the 1 yard line. Is it Bobby time yet?
12:11 pm: Royshonda gets one nail did, but then promptly breaks that nail by fumbling the ball out of bounds.
12:12 pm: Dez Bryant eats 1 defender alive for a first down.
12:14 pm: First timeout of the game, and still no sight of Bobcat on the field. Who knows what antics he's planning coming home for the first time. No word yet on if Jim Shwartz has hired a handler or not. He may not know that he needs one...
12:18 pm: Royshonda gets 2 nails did. Could be a big game for the former Lion.
12:22 pm: Dez Bryant eats a 2nd defender alive for a touchdown. Fade route in the endzone. Meanwhile the cowboys have a 97 yard drive for a touchdown and BObby didn't see the field once, not even on FG block. Interesting...
12:25 pm: POTENTIAL BOBCAT SIGHTING: On the kickoff, there was either a number 59 or 89 back to form the wedge for Stefon Logan. In a wonderful effort to keep Bobcat off television, Buehler boots the ball out of the endzone. Buehler then promptly threw Bobcat 2 middle fingers, and reminded him that he had already made more tackles this game than Bobby. The Carpenter sulked to the sideline and dialed his longtime girlfriend JaMarcus Russell for some sweet consolation.
12:29 pm: Mike Jenkins whiffs on a tackle. Incomplete hands?
12:30 pm: Igor Olshanksy strong like 2 bulls.
12:34 pm: End of the first quarter, and Bobcat has been relatively quiet. As a writer, I am anticipating a blackout in Cowboys stadium sometime soon, as Bobby tries to hack in to the videoboard, but is unfamiliar with the wiring.
12:37 pm: Calvin Johnson is badly overthrown, Mike Jenkins throws incomplete hands anyway. Lions kick a FG. 7-3
12:40 pm: Kickoff, and Bryan McCann runs it back far enough to make the kicker make the tackle. Total Tally: Buehler - 1 Tackle, Rayner - 1 Tackle. Carpenter - 0 tackles, 1 possible power outage and 1 atomic wedgie.
12:43 pm: The Cowboys go 3 and out, with very little offense. Bobby again is unseen on defense or special teams. There was however a blonde lock of hair found floating down from the megatron. What is he up to....
12:51 pm: Jerome Felton is short for the first down on 3rd and 1. Bobby calls down from the video board to let Jim know he's available for running back. Also, help. He can't get down.
12:54 pm: The lions jump offsides for the 3rd time, and we're starting to realize what Bobby is doing. He got ahold of the defensive headset and is yelling cadences into the defenses headsets. "That's 15 yards coach! I can do better than that!"
12:57 pm: Another 3 and out by the Cowboys. Is the Lion's stupidity rubbing off on the Cowboys?
1:00 pm: Sean Lee runs up after the play is over, and taps the downed Lion. He then points to bobby and says "That's one, buddy!"
1:04 pm: The Cowboys appear to have lost that killer instinct as Detroit effortlessly converts third downs. Bobby is seen laughing on the sideline, and then runs up to Matthew Stafford, hits him on the shoulder and says "I made a GREAT decision to leave in free agency" Stafford, now on the ground in pure pain, screams "You got CUT from 2 teams before you came here! Get out of here. I'm not even sure I know your last name." Dejected again, Bobby turns to the half-eaten snickers bar he keeps in his shoulderpads.
1:10 pm: Nate Burleson shouts out to a girl back home.
1:14 pm: Felix Jones fumbles the ball, and gives the Lions at least a field goal. Unreal.
1:18 pm: The Cowboys give up a touchdown on a freak tipped ball. 10-7 Detroit. The season has gone south again.
1:21 pm: Halftime, and and the Cowboys are beating themselves more than the Lions are. Go figure. Time to get Dez the ball more.
1:34 pm: The opening kickoff of the half and our first official tv sighting of Mr. Carpenter. In classic fashion, he watched as his teammates tackled Bryan McCann, and then he took credit. He then looked at the cowboys sideline and held up one finger.
1:36 pm: Doug Free shouts out to a girl back home.
1:37 pm: The half starts with a 3 and out, and a chorus of Boo's led by Mr. Carpenter. Where the hell did he get that conductor's stick?
1:41 pm: 3 and out for the Lions. Do we have a defensive struggle on our hands?
1:44 pm: Holding in the endzone on Big Lenny Davis. Saftey. The cowboys are down 12-7. The shitstorm has started. Literally. Bobby is throwing feces at the Cowboys bench. No word on where the feces is coming from, or whose it is.
1:48 pm: Igor Olshansky strong like 3 bulls.
1:51 pm: Orlando Scandrick makes a huge play to knock a ball down. Incomplete hands. Bobby has run out of feces....temporarily.
MEANWHILE BRYAN MCCANN makes the headsup play of the year and returns a punt 96 yards for a TD. Unbelievable.
1:55 pm: The Lions following stupidity with more stupidity. Some cat named Fluellen cost his team 15, and they show a replay of Bobby sprinting downfield following McCann for his touchdown. He almost slipped up and celebrated out of habit. On the next play, white linebacker Sean Lee makes a legitimate tackle, and Bobby hides in a trashcan. THEN he forces a fumble that Jason Hatcher recovers. "He's so good, maybe I should just quit...."
2:00 pm: SMILES for Miles Austin. TD on his first catch of the day. 21-12
2:03 pm: Buehler again forces a touchback and denies Bobby airtime. Bobby, while noticing his mane fits the theme of the Lions, he's realizing so does his play. Depression is sinking in. He is now in the stands asking fans to buy him a cocktail. Appletini if it's available.
2:04 pm: Sean Lee continues to prove that white linebackers can play.
2:07 pm: After a long bomb to Nate Burleson, Calvin Johnson catches a TD over Terrance Newman. 21-19. Game is getting interesting, Bobby is woken up from a drunken stupor to go out on special teams. That was one strong 1/2 an appletini.
PROGRAMMING NOTE: Did I just seen Kyle VandenBosch with Red contact lenses? Wierd.....
2:09 pm: Bobby tackles Dez on the kickoff coverage. Word on the street is that Dez was bribed to go down on the play. Bobby celebrates.
2:17 pm: End of the third quarter, and we're witnessing Jon Kitna channelling his inner Romo, scrambling around and making plays. Meanwhile everyone in detroit is concerned at how they let their top qb and wr go and got a player from the beastly cowboys and yet they're still losing. Detroit VooDoo is no good, apparently.
2:22 pm: Barber going into beastmode as someone grabs barber's hair but they call it a horsecollar. Cowboys get lucky on a call, and get a first down. In an attempt to demonstrate what happened, Jim Shwartz grabs Bobby's golden locks and rips a few out, screaming "THIS IS LEGAL." Bobby cries. Again.
2:24 pm: COWBOYS GET LUCKY AGAIN with stopped forward progress. Also, his knees were down. Do they want to give me a heart attack?
2:26 pm: 2 SMILES for Miles, with 2 TDs on two catches. Unbelievable.
2:30 pm: Buehler makes a big mistake kicking the ball out of bounds. But, it does keep Bobby off of television. All his former teammates and fans in Ohio are wondering if he's still playing football, or just a myth wrapped in an enigma of terrible linebacker play.
2:34 pm: Mike Jenkins makes a HUGE hit on Jahvid Best. THere's no quit in this guy...this week.
2:35 pm: The Cowboys are stepping up and playing like they should. Jay Ratliff with his second sack of the day. Bobby C. is back in on special teams, and again does not make it into the television field of play. Bobby could only be more depressed if Keith was forcing him to hold his dip cup. Of course, just as Bobby thinks this, Jim Shwartz orders Bobby back over to hold his headphones while he yells at the ref. An errand boy for a 3rd team this season, Bobby is considering the UFL.
2:42 pm: Marc Colombo shouts out to a girl back home.
2:45 pm: The Cowboys are grinding out the rest of the clock here, while Keith and Sean are on the sidelines filling some gatorade buckets with urine. Victor Butler has been sent to the Detroit sideline to find Bobby and offer him his old job back. I think we see where this is going...
2:54 pm: Terrance Newman with the INT, and Bobby is on his way to the Cowboys sideline for a urine bath. It's good to be back in action.
3:03 pm: And with that, the game is over. We saw Bobby on the field twice, and he had excrement on him at least 3 times. Now that's what I call football. 35-19

Monday, May 10, 2010

It's official.

Sigh. All good things must end.

Today, the deal is official: Barbie has been traded to the St. Louis Rams.

Source: Dallas Cowboys swap LB Bobby Carpenter for St. Louis Rams tackle Alex Barron - ESPN Dallas

We'll have more of a goodbye to Bobby soon (along with finalizing blog subjects for this coming season), but until then, we leave you with some Isaac Hayes.

Isaac Hayes - Never Can Say Goodbye

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Farewells and Other News

It's been a busy day on this march 6th, 2010. On national mexican hangover day, it seems two teams have had enough of their once future stars.

In California, Lane Kiffin was laughing in his cushy USC office as Al Davis finally wised up and cut JaMarcus Russell-Carpenter, paving the way for Jason Campbell to become the next quarterback to fail in Oakland.

In related news, The Cowboys are in the midst of finalizing a trade sending Alex Barron from the Rams to the Cowboys in exchange for one Mrs. Barbie Russell-Carpenter. Maybe change will be good for the former first round pick, but at least 2 writers are sitting at their desks today wondering just exactly which Cowboy bust we're going to tease now. With no answers coming directly to mind, as Royshonda is a side character at best, we are temporarily reverting to the likes of Shante Carver, Peppi Zellner, Marco Rivera and the Cabo gang.

For now, though, all we can do is wish him well in his new life, and say, "Happy Trails."

We drafted Dex Bryant. There was much rejoicing.
Royshonda meanwhile was found sharpening her nails a-la wolverine, with the hopes that puncturing balls thrown her way will stick to her hands, proving she deserves to be a starter.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Another WR with a Manicure?

Shown: A rarity in the NFL these days, a thing called a "reception."

We in Dallas don't have to worry about one, but apparently the Seahawks do.

The Seatlle Seahawks today signed WRs Reggie Williams, a former Jaguar who was OK, but dabbled in cocaine, as well as former Lion Mike Williams.

It's one thing for Bill Parcells to bring in "Parcells guys" from other teams, but really, Pete?

In any case, this is me hoping that Seattle gets more national coverage this year, because I can't help myself by counting the Williams sisters' collective nails did on any given weekend.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Goodbye, Flozell

We have sad news today: Flozell Adams has been cut from the Dallas Cowboys.

And in typical Flozell fashion, it was way too early.

Flozell, you are gone, but not forgotten.

Oh yeah, and Ken Hamlin is gone, too.

Agents say the Dallas Cowboys are cutting Flozell Adams and Ken Hamlin. - ESPN Dallas