Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Week 4 in the NFL

Alex and Chris pick the weekend's NFL games.


Monday, September 28, 2009

Barbie Watch, Week 3

Every week, Alex and Chris track the highs and lows of former first round pick Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. Tonight, the Dallas Cowboys hope to record their first home win in their new stadium with a Monday night game against the Carolina Panthers. Posting is relative to Arlington, Texas, at Dallas Standard Time, unless stated otherwise.

7:01 pm:
Word on the street is the Cowboys are going to use much more of the famed "Wildcat" offense tonight. Naturally, Mr. Carpenter has been lobbying for some offensive snaps, and brought some secret plays he and Marco Rivera drew up in their hotel room this weeked. These plays have since been dubbed "The Bobcat."

7:31 pm: Bobby gets some facetime right off the bat, walking into the stadium chatting up Scandrick. We imagine the conversation went something like this:

Bob: "Hey, Orlando, you're good enough for some camera time right?"
Orlando: "Yeah, they're filming me and Jenkins walking in together so they get our nameplates on our backs in dim lighting. CLASSIC"
Bob: " Oh, really? Have fun with that. I'm sure it will be a lasting memory for you."
(He then turns and rubs his hands together in an evil fashion)

7:37 pm: As mentioned earlier, Marco Rivera has returned to being the cool older guy who hangs out with the kids. You know, the guy who kept coming back to his old high school to brag about frat conquests and impress impressionable 15-year old girls. Rivera is wearing vintage 2005 Dallas Cowboys issue gear and has secured a spot on the sidelines.

Speaking of high school girls and Marco Rivera, did you know Rivera was a teammate of Mark Chmura's on the Green Bay Packers? Rumor has it Rivera was a few blocks away that prom night with some cold ones before his car broke down. And so Rivera's legacy and good name are notably different from Chmura's.

7:49 pm: The Dallas Cowboys drove down the field, looked amazing, then lost it all trying to be cute with a trick play. Folk then missed the eventual field goal attempt. Bobby uses this as an opportunity to hype up the Bobcat formation to Jason Garrett. I mean, if you want to waste a down...

7:54 pm:
Jeff Otah shouts out to a girl in the area code. Flo is visibly upset.

7:57 pm: Bobby in on 3rd downs has come up with a new, original, signature move. He calls it, "Raising the Roof," or, alternatively, "Pumping up the crowd." He's so proud of himself, he even does it right before banging some strange in the club.

8:03 pm:
Bobby back on special team duty, where he practices his first signature, "The Three Second Rule." 3 seconds after the whistle blows, jump on top of the pile. Just to make sure. He then points to Rivera in the stands as a shout out.

8:08 pm: Bobby tells Jenkins to move up on the blitz, then performs the "waving arms/ pump up the crowd" classic. Pressure is square on top of Delhomme. I credit Bobby for orchestrating that chaos.

8:10 pm: Pumped up by all the hand-waving and the big third down stop (which he engineered), Bobby begins to refer to himself as "The Conductor." He adjusts the radio dial on his iHelmet to pick up WRR 101.1 FM, Dallas' classical music station.

Bobby starts shaking his head vigorously while air-pianoing to some Beethoven-- the video monitors pick up Bobby's private concert. Bobby, thinking Beethoven was "the blind one, right?," stumbles around and falls into 3 Gatorade coolers to add to the effect. Beethoven was the deaf one, but unfortunately Bobby isn't-- and gets to hear 90,000 fans laughing at his little accident.

8:27 pm: Bobby "The Conductor" Carpenter had a chance to make the tackle there, but he was too busy custom-tailoring his jersey to have tails, just like a real conductor of a real orchestra.

8:41 pm:
Igor Olshansky strong like bull.

8:56 pm:
I agree. Boo. Boo, indeed.

HALFTIME: Panthers 7, Cowboys 0.

9:12 pm: Igor Olshansky strong like 2 bulls.

9:16 pm: Flozell false-started! He's back together with his girl back home! True love exists!

9:17 pm: Flo then promptly gets himself injured so he can go have make up sex.

9:21 pm:
With Tashard presumably down at the one, Bobby is seen on the red phone talking to Wes Phillips about running the real Bobcat. He'll get it in. He promises.

9:22 pm: Flozell Adams is back in the game. He can clearly keep it in the pants, no matter how much the Panthers try to force him to false-start. The TE jumps early, but the cameras went right to Flo. He doesn't love his girl THAT much, guys. Jeez.

(Just kidding. He totally does.)

9:29 pm: Igor Olshansky strong like 3 bulls.

9:30 pm: Barbie pirouettes up to steve smith and just kinda lays on him all gentle like. Keith Brooking is seen on the sideline playing "Dueling Banjos" a la Deliverence

9:34 pm:

9:47 pm: Flozell false-starts again, this time sending a message to that no-name Panther who false-started earlier in the game. She's mine. Hands off. I love you.

9:50 pm: Bobby, inspired by the recent Axe commercials, begins a series of EXTREME stunts on the sideline while Dallas is on offense.

First, he sneaks Powerade into the Gatorade, mostly as an F-U to big business.

Next, he runs the length of the sidelines and cannonballs into the giant misting fans.

Finally, he pantses Dave Campo.

After each stunt, he yells, "DOUBLE PITS TO CHESTY!" and caps it with the crossed-arm, WWF "suck it" gesture.

10:00 pm:
Seemingly absent from the game as of late, Bobby was just discovered by Jason Garrett calling those last two red zone plays. After telling nearly everyone to suck it 10 minutes ago, Bobby went ahead and decided to go ahead and tell Jason to suck it for not implementing the Bobcat on the goaline. He may have cost us the game, but he's ok with it. Because he made a point, damnit.

10:05 pm: Bobby was in on the 3rd down, seen pointing to the crowd. ESPN immediately flipped to a shot of a man with long, blonde hair in a white Cowboys jersey. Bobby was hoping that, maybe, just maybe this time, best friend AJ Hawk could finally watch him play. And if things went right, maybe drag some 200-pound Midwestern babes out of there and into Ghost Bar. And then back home, of course. Just like the college days.

Instead, it was just some dude in a blonde wig. Sigh. Cue the sad Charlie Brown piano music, iHelmet.

10:22 pm: Bobby has been MIA on the field. Rumor has it with the game clinched, he ran up to the video board to plan his next Phantom of the HDTV prank. Our team is investigating.

10:24 pm: You throw at Bobby Carpenter and you go NOWHERE. Double pits to chesty, Carolina.

10:25 pm: 2 straight tackles for the Bobcat. Is this actually a Bob-terminator, sent from the future to destroy all preconceived notions of Bobby Carpenter? If so, John Conner is doing his job well.

10:26 pm: Carolina is playing with fire. They throw in Bobby's general direction AGAIN, tempting fate. Bobby has a little difficulty finesse-tackling the Panther, and even tries finesse-knocking him out of bounds, but decides to let him run up-field in-bounds a little longer before taking him down. Keep that clock running.

10:27 pm: Dallas keeps Bobby in the game for the drive. If he's on the field, he can't run his mouth about the new Bobcat Offense. Bobby is sent on two more end blitzes and also gives up a first down-- but not before nudging the ball with his knee a few yards short of the first down marker. The refs still gave Carolina the first down. You can't fault a guy for trying.

10:35 pm: Dallas holds on to win, 21-7. The Bobcat is getting even more playing time, which means more face time, which means more honies from the greater Columbus, Ohio, area. And Igor Olshansky still strong like bull.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Week 3 in the NFL

Alex and Chris pick the weekend's NFL games.


Sunday, September 20, 2009

Barbie Watch, Week 2

Every week, Alex and Chris track the statistics and antics of former first round pick Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. Tonight, the Dallas Cowboys open their brand new stadium with a Sunday night game against the New York Giants. Posting is relative to Arlington, Texas, at Dallas Standard Time, unless stated otherwise.

4:30 am: Rest assured, Barbie spent all summer mastering the floor plans and intricacies of Cowboys Stadium. Instead of getting an honest night's sleep before the home opener, Carpenter finished installing his "Phantom of the Opera" lair in the basement, complete with a hydraulic lift that will elevate him to ground level (at a safe speed, of course). Instead of ruining the field, though, the lift is designed to rip through the bottom of a ground-level luxury suite. This is unprecedented player-fan interaction, another hallmark of Cowboys Stadium.

4:45 am: Lights out. Carpenter spends the night on top of the behemoth-tron.

6:30 pm: Football night in America just showed a brief clip of Tony throwing the football, then glancing up at the video board, with the glance turning into a full on stare. He looked surprised, dumbfounded even. It was then that the famous organ play from Phantom began playing, and a turd dropped from high on the video board directly into the overturned helmet of Eli Manning. Bobby has been awarded "Prank King" by those two guys who do that prank show on MTV.

7:28 pm: Interesting choice making the daughter of former Giant Phillipi Sparks sing the national anthem. An omen of things to come?

7:34 pm: With the first series all for naught, Bobby may have made his first appearance on the punt coverage, however, he didn't show his signature "show up 5 seconds after the play." No word yet on possible injuries.

7:39 pm: Bobby in on 3rd down, and squats in the middle of the field, taunting Manning about his earlier prank. Manning responds with a completion. Bobby goes to the sideline to order some Skoal.

7:44 pm: George Bush: You know who's really funny? That Frank Caliendo. He does a great impression of you. Jon Madden: He does a damn good one of you too. Bush: Could you say Boom! for me? Madden: I'm retired. Could you start a war for me? Bush: Point taken.

7:52 pm: First touchdown at the new stadium. Here we go, Boys.

7:55 pm: Sinorice Moss slips on the wet spot from the prank cleanup earlier in the game. Giggling, Bobby taps him down, 3 seconds after he falls. Signature.

7:59 pm: On 3rd down, Bobby "Jack 'the Assassin' Tatum" Carpenter takes Eli down split seconds after he throws the ball. It's not a sack, but there is potential for injury. Bobby springs up yelling "JUST LIKE LEFTWICH" to Eli, who missed any context that would make that reference make sense.

8:04 pm: Roy shows no effort going for an errant throw, this writer asks if RoyShonda Williams from training camp is back, or if that was all Tony's fault.

8:06 pm: Just like that, Dallas coughs up the ball again on the kickoff return. Are these last two gaffes the twin 80-yard runs Baltimore gave us in the Texas Stadium closer? Are we moving back in time? Keep in mind that's not necessarily a bad thing.

8:07 pm: Barbie realizes we're moving back in time and finds new meaning in his jersey number. Say hello to Bobby "Randy 'Manster' White" Carpenter.

8:11 pm: The first quarter is over, and the Cowboys are knocking on the door of dissappointment. Bobby and his Ohio State Linebacking alumni friends answer, and say "Welcome, did you bring the chips?"

8:14 pm: 3rd and goal puts Bobby on the line, ready to blitz. Right for Eli. Unfortunately, the left tackle has other plans, but Bobby at least gets his hands waving in the air--almost to say, "Hello world, it's me. Bobby."

8:21 pm: "That's a major motherfuckin' facemask. First down bitches."

8:32 pm: Bobby C was in waiting on the tackle for the kickoff coverage, only to play matador to sinorice. Bobby apparently trained in the offseason with bulls to help his strength. His instincts, however, were apparently affected.

8: 36 pm: The Cowboys put BC out on the line again for some deathblitzing. In lieu of Ware. Minutes earlier, Wade told Ware to give up a few plays to Bobby for, you know, self-esteem purposes. Teamsmanship. Morale.

Bobby was stopped by that pesky left tackle again.

8:42 pm: Bobby C on the punt tackle, but he only grabbed a leg. Steve Octavien jumped on top and was credited with the tackle. Octavien is given high fives and gatorade. Bobby is given sneers.

8:50 pm: Flozell Adams: "Take me back, baby. I miss you" with the trip.

9:06 pm: There have been way too many crazy, bad-luck bounces in the first half. The Giants lead 20-17 and have 17 points off Dallas turnovers. If Coach Wade can't motivate these players, Bobby knows what will: sneaking Copenhagen or urine into the Gatorade.

During last night's stadium sleepover, Bobby watched The Dark Knight on the giant video monitor and was taken by one character in particular: Two-Face. Your fate rests on the flip of a coin. Good or bad? Life or death? It comes down to a coin flip.

Copenhagen or urine? Coin flip.

Just to make it more authentic, Bobby proceeds to paint half his face. Well, with eyeblack.

9:22 pm: The Giants return the 3rd quarter kickoff. Instantly, three Cowboys attach themselves to the returner. Bobby was in on it, too. I doubt he gets credit.

9:30 pm: Missed FG by Tynes, Bobby coated the ball in pre-chewed skoal before the snap. Slipped right off his foot.

9:41 pm: I think Barbie just put himself on the post-season cutlist. Carpenter gets called for holding. If it was all in the name of facetime, well, mission accomplished. But I think that's what happens when you put a big guy on a finesse linebacker. Bobby receives the most attention he's had all season from Collinsworth. Wade, frustrated, looks for his Oakley sunglasses.

9:56 pm: Igor Olshansky strong like bull.

9:58 pm: Bobby in on 3rd down, can't run fast enough because his mouth is full of chew-spit. Bobby writes a note to remember to buy the iHelmet spitoon add-on.

10:20 pm: Things have been quiet at the Barbie Watch. That happens when the Cowboys have the ball a lot on offense and find ways to turn the ball over. The Giants then stick to 1st and 2nd downs exclusively, and Barbie is a 3rd down specialist. Well, he was in just now, and his favorite thing to do is pump up the crowd with his arms. The flap thing that means "more noise, please." Barbie then fell into coverage and turned his back to the quarterback. Sooner or later, Eli will exploit that kind of cover.

Wade is still looking for his sunglasses.

10:32 pm: Bobby in on the tackle. I think he took a quick sabbatical to watch the go go dancers in the stadium cages. Word is he offered locks of hair and his left sock for them to strip. They all put on jackets.

10:48 pm: I'm typically a man of faith, but after 44-6, Baltimore, and this game, it's official. The Cowboys just absolutely can not win games that mean anything. Playoff berth, Closing of Texas Stadium, and the Opening of Cowboys Stadium.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Week 2 in the NFL

Alex and Chris pick the weekend's NFL games.


Arizona @ Jacksonville

Chris: I give Jacksonville the edge for being the home team against a Todd Haley-less Arizona Cardinals. I really shouldn't give the Jaguars this much credit after making a terrible uniform redesign, but Arizona needs to show me something outside the NFC West.

Alex: Two words: Larry Fitzgerald. On top of that, Arizona has a stout run defense, limiting Frank Gore to 30 yards on a staggering 22 carries. Jacksonville's biggest receiving threat: Troy Williamson. I'm sorry, Arizona on paper totally outmatches Jacksonville. I can't ignore that.

New England @ New York Jets

Chris: Sure, New England may not be the same Runnin' Pats of the early '00s, but I think they have enough in the tank plus Tom Brady to beat Matt Sanchez at home.

Alex: With Rex Ryan and Bart Scott, The New York Ravens are in full swing. It'll take everything they've got, but hell, why not? The Bills took the Pats to the edge and back, and the Jets are stronger. It's a gut pick, really.

New Orleans @ Philadelphia

Chris: Okay, I admit it, I forgot McNabb was hurt. I was riding the high of a dominant win over the Panthers. I'm just going to pray the home field advantage of Philadelphia + ziplock bags of urine being thrown at Cajuns from rowdy fans is enough for the Eagles to scrape out a win.

Alex: 5,084 passing yards over the last 16 games. 'Nuff said.
Also, why the hell was Jeff Garcia brought in if they feel good about McNabb? Vick, who has high hopes for the season, Garcia, who led this team to the playoffs once in McNabb's abscence, McNabb has the pressure on. His job is lost by season's end.

Tampa Bay @ Buffalo

Chris: Tampa is bad and Buffalo let a close game slip in Foxboro. Leodis McKelvin had his front yard vandalized (though I hear it was a giant penis), and the Bills are at home. The Bills don't want any more phalluses gracing their property. I smell a win, but it won't be graceful.

Alex: I agree, Tampa is one letter away from Tampax, and typically they just can't stop the flow of losses coming in at the hands of stronger teams. However, Buffalo has a bad habit of losing games it should win...SO....this might be a 3-0 win for either team. I just really like Byron Leftwich. I think he's a cool guy.

Cleveland @ Denver

Chris: The Broncos should have lost to the Bengals last week. The Browns were out-Favred and out-AdrianPetersoned. After all these years, I still don't know what exactly the Cleveland Browns are. One year you think they'll stink, the next year they squeak out 10-6 and ruin that guaranteed top ten first-round draft pick you got from them. Then they go 4-12. Denver benefits from poor Ohio football management + rides the fumes from last week to a win over the Browns.

Alex: Denver is a hot mess right now, and a lucky win doesn't change that. Yes, the Cowboys went 6-10 with Vinny Testaverde at the helm and that isn't lost on me, but there is just too much going wrong in the mile high city. That said, it is Cleveland, a team which when I say "I'm taking them to the superbowl" I am usually referring to a bowel movement. A close game, but at least Cleveland is unified under a dictator, rather than torn apart by one.

New York Giants @ Dallas

Chris: The Cowboys are opening their new stadium and plan to make it a night to remember. The last time the Cowboys played a home game (against the Ravens for the closing of Texas Stadium), they forgot how to defend the run. I really want Dallas to win, but I think they find a way to blow it in the end against a motivated NYG team.

Alex: Dallas. Please. Opening a new stadium expected to set record attendance against a rival? this is a blowout, regardless of which team is on top. Someone is riding the energy and I think it's Dallas.

Indianapolis @ Miami

Chris: I think the curtain is slowly coming down on the Colts' Manning-era run. Because of that, they stand to lose some games they should win. This is one of those games.

Alex: Miami looked horrible last week against a team that, although tough, was considered to be at the same level as Miami last season. Either miami has regressed, which is what I'm banking on, or Matt Ryan and the Falcons have made some major strides. Both are probably true.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Barbie Watch, Week 1

Every week, Alex and Chris track the statistics and antics of former first round pick Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. The Cowboys kick off their season against the Buccaneers. All locations Tampa unless stated otherwise. All times Dallas unless stated otherwise.

11:54 am: We have learned that Antonio Bryant, in an effort to give the paying Tampa fans something to cheer about, has thrown a sweaty jersey in Wade Phillips' face.

11:56 am: The Bucs are wearing white at home, which means the Cowboys will be in Bad Luck Blue. Anything for a win, huh?

12:03 pm: Cowboys return the opening kickoff. No sight of Bobby on the return or sidelines (yet). Of course, Tampa does have that super cool giant pirate ship in the end zone that needs to be explored... could Bobby be hiding inside the ship during offensive series?

12:05 pm: Yes, that IS Bobby watching from the pirate ship's crow's nest.

12:09 pm: What is going on with communication on the Dallas sideline? First the right tackle ignores the blitzing Ronde Barber (sack), then Dallas barely snaps the ball as the play clock expires, then Dallas ends up burning a timeout before starting 3rd and 17. I think Bobby's iHelmet is interfering with our headset signals.

12:12 pm: Folk kicks a 51-yard field goal, fortunately. 3-0, Dallas. It turns out Dallas burned the timeout to allow Bobby to climb down from the crow's nest and (as Phillips put it) "get his tail back on the sideline. And turn that goddang iPod off, Robert."

12:20 pm: Keith Brooking has already out-tackled Bobby and Demarcus Ware is out of the game for some reason. Moose says it's a pinched nerve. Tampa is passing the ball on us at will and running the ball with ease. I thought Dallas was supposed to dominate a team that fired its offensive coordinator a week before the season started.

Meanwhile, Bobby edges closer and closer to Demarcus, playing Ware's favorite tune on his iHelmet. Demarcus indulges Bobby and takes a listen. For at least a minute, everything is alright.

12:25 pm: Sensabaugh blocks the Tampa field goal! Mike Jenkins scoops it up and races downfield. This could be the boost we need.

12:29 pm: Wildcat.

12:32 pm: Dallas drove the ball but came up short again. Field goal makes it 6-0, Dallas.

12:36 pm: Apparently, Bobby's iHelmet is therapeutic. Ware is back in the Dallas defense.

12:42 pm: Bobby, disheartened by the lack of heart on the Dallas D, thinks back to what worked in the preseason ... of course! Dipping tobacco! Bobby divvies up Keith Brooking's stash of Skoal with the dexterity of a soccer mom and has enough dip prepared for the whole team.

12:46 pm: Bobby's in the game!

12:47 pm: Bobby is immediately blocked out of the path of the runner ... by a wide receiver. Cadillac scampers off for a big rush, setting up 1st and goal.

12:47 pm: Bobby ends up on top of Keith Brooking. 2nd and goal.

12:48 pm: Bobby ends up under an offensive lineman but close to the runner. 3rd and goal.

12:48 pm: Bobby hits Cadillac but doesn't wrap up. Useless. Cadillac Williams runs into the end zone. Touchdown. 7-6, Tampa Bay.

12:51 pm: I just wanted to emphasize that Bobby was blocked by a WIDE RECEIVER not five minutes ago.

12:55 pm: Rumors that Tony Romo is dating Candice Crawford upset Bobby. After all, Romo and Carpenter used to be best friends. After a few Google searches, Bobby learns that Crawford's brother stars in Gossip Girl. This gives Bobby enough justification to watch some old episodes on his iPhone from the sidelines. This also prompts Bobby to retort "you know you love me" to every insult thrown his way.

1:00 pm: No one has touched the Skoal on Bobby's serving tray. If the people won't come to the dip, the dip will come to the people. Bobby begins to slip Skoal into the various Gatorade containers on the sidelines. You know you love me.

1:05 pm: Is Dallas trying on offense? At all?

1:08 pm: All those secret hotel plays to Jason Witten are paying off.

1:10 pm: Flozell Adams single-handedly erases a long run from a trick play. He was flagged with an "illegal block" call. Or a personal foul. Flo was either pissed or feeling amorous. Is this how he shouts out to his girl back home? Or begs her to take him back?


1:17 pm: Bobby is plugged in on 3rd down and gets in on the play. But it looks like he ends up tackling the Cowboy defender who tackles the runner. No air-punching this time.

1:20 pm: Romo to Miles Austin, tap dancing down the sideline and into the end zone! Dallas goes up 13-7. It must be the Skoal.

1:24 pm: Bobby hustles to touch the downed Buccaneer, just in case he wasn't already called down.

1:25 pm: Wade takes his sunglasses off to complain to the refs on a long Clayton catch.

1:27 pm: Wade puts his sunglasses on again after a failed play review.

1:30 pm: Tampa calls a timeout due to an expiring play clock, essentially icing their own kicker. On the kick, Nugent goes wide right, fulfilling the prophecy. Dallas escapes with a 13-7 halftime lead. Not bad for playing absolutely horrendous football.


1:45 pm: The third quarter begins to rainfall. At the very least, it's going to be attractive ugly football.

1:47 pm: Tony Siragusa has an assistant holding an umbrella over him. In this economy.

1:49 pm: Did it stop raining all of a sudden?

1:52 pm: FINALLY! Roy Williams breaks for a 66-yard touchdown from Tony Romo. The Cowboys go up 20-7.

1:57 pm: Bobby is plugged back into the game on third down. Surely his presence forced the coming punt.

1:59 pm: Terence Newman fumbles the punt return. Patrick Crayton kicks the ball out of bounds instead of 1) bending over to pick it up or 2) falling on it, bringing on a 10-yard penalty. Great job, stupid.

2:02 pm: Crayton looks like he was about to forward lateral the ball as he was brought down on a catch. When it rains, it pours.

2:04 pm: Bobby jogs up to the tackled Tampa punt returner and taps him on the shoulder. Again, just in case the whistle wasn't blown twice.

2:08 pm: Dallas' defense looks energized. The Skoal-Gatorade hybrid is working wonders! Expect vomiting in a quarter.

2:15 pm: Tampa fumbles their punt return and Bobby is RIGHT on the scene. Well, right after the Buc scooped up his own fumble.

2:18 pm: Jenkins picks off a bomb thrown by Leftwich! But it doesn't matter because of illegal contact from Sensabaugh. Ticky-tack call.

2:27 pm: Here come Bobby, rolling into the 3rd and 6. No word whether he'll be in as linebacker or defensive back.

2:29 pm: It's linebacker. And the Bucs just reached our 1-yard line.

2:36 pm: After a lengthy challenge, Tampa leaps into our end zone for the touchdown. Bobby literally dove into the grass. Under the offensive linemen, under the runner, under Keith Brooking. 20-14, Dallas.

2:39 pm: Patrick Crayton clearly drank from the Skoal-laced Gatorade of the defense and took a Romo pass 80 yard to the house. 27-14, Dallas.

2:40 pm: Bobby sees that his shenanigans have helped the team immensely. He begins to sneak a tin of Brooking's Copenhagen into the offense's Gatorade. Just to see what happens.

Meanwhile, Brooking's hunting dogs have made their way to the Dallas sideline, barking encouragement and looking glorious. Just like Brooking wants.

2:44 pm: I could have sworn that was Bobby on the Leftwich hit, but the Cowboy ended up being black. I'm sure that confusion happens a lot.

2:46 pm: Third down means Bobby is in the game. No impact on the play, but Leftwich is taking a beating.

2:47 pm: Instead of paying attention to the game, Wade begins to play with Brooking's hunting dogs on the sideline. Tampa gets a first down.

2:49 pm: ANOTHER third down, another Bobby entrance.

2:49 pm: TACKLE! Bobby wrapped him up something good.

2:50 pm: 4th down, Carpenter is still in the game. Wade only realizes this after he quits playing with Brooking's hunting dogs. The dogs begin to bark to "The Devil Went Down in Georgia."

2:51 pm: Is that Bobby Carpenter or Jack Tatum?? Bobby "The Assassin" Carpenter took out Leftwich's legs and may have inflicted a critical Copenhagen-fueled hit on Tampa's QB. Tampa turns it over on downs.

2:54 pm: Romo rewards Crayton's mental miscues by throwing him the ball for a 44-yard play.

2:55 pm: Brooking's hunting dogs, smelling the rank Big Ten emanating from Bobby, begin to chase him up and down the sideline. The dogs are SEC fans.

2:57 pm: Marion Barber punches it in. Dallas leads, 34-14. Everyone forgets the impotent 1st half. A Romo-friendly offense = 2nd half numbers, baby.

2:59 pm: Carpenter gets an arm in for a tackle on Tampa's kickoff return. That's half a tackle, right? A quarter-tackle?

3:00 pm: Bobby stays in the game. This is akin to Red Auerbach lighting his victory cigar during Celtics games. Bobby is the human victory cigar.

3:01 pm: Bobby grabs an ankle on a 2nd down tackle. As Woody Allen says, "80% of success is showing up."

3:02 pm: Bobby shows up on a converted first down, and does his vintage "tap the already downed player" move on the next play.

3:03 pm: Unbelievable! Bobby is literally everywhere. He jogs in a second after the whistle to tap the downed player again. These add up to tackles, kids.

3:03 pm: Once more, Bobby shows up on top of a tackle pile.

3:05 pm: Bobby is finally not on camera for two consecutive plays, though he is on the field. You can't squander that face time. Companies usually have to pay millions for that.

3:07 pm: Bobby is blocked by 6'7 260-lb TE Jerramy Stevens.

3:08 pm: Damned if Wade ain't trying. He sends Carpenter on a blitz at Leftwich, which leads to an early release. That fear is respect.

3:09 pm: That respect quickly turns to disrespect. Kellen Winslow slings Bobby out of the way and catches the ball to pull Tampa inside the 2. Winslow scores a touchdown on the next play. Dallas leads, 34-21.

Bobby probably tried some motorcycle smack-talk. And just like Winslow on a bike, the attempt fell flat.

3:10 pm: A plea to the Cowboys from us: put Bobby in at quarterback when you want to kneel the ball.

3:14 pm: Dallas overcomes stupid decisions and defeats Tampa Bay, 34-21. I shouldn't be this relieved.

Final stat line: 2 tackles. Apparently tapping the backs of already-downed players does not count in the stat book.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Week 1 in the NFL

Alex and Chris pick the weekend's NFL games.

Chris Alex

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Happy New Year

We are 30 minutes away from the Bun dropping into a full ponytail and the NFL season starting anew.

Here's to a great year.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

DeMarcus Ware vs. Shawne Merriman

After their first couple of years in the league, there was much debate as to whether the Cowboys made the right decision drafting DeMarcus Ware one spot ahead of Shawne Merriman. With Wade Phillips as Defensive Coordinator in San Diego, Shawne succeded greatly in his first 2 years, including a 17 sack season which was shortened by a 4 game suspension after testing positive for steroids. Ware, on the other hand, saw only 19 sacks over his first 2 seasons, but that number has continued to grow into his 4th season, where he recorded 20 sacks over a full season.

Ware has continued to see his popularity and talent rise, whereas over the last 2 seasons, Merriman has been injured and caught on to the LA night life, where he continues to get himself into trouble. (Rumor has it he brings a tape of Lawrence Taylor breaking Theisman's leg around with him, and shows it to girls, screaming "Sex now, or THIS!" see Fig. 1.1)

Fig. 1.1

Then news comes out today of his exploits with one Ms. Tila Tequila : http://www.nfl.com/news/story?id=09000d5d8126bbe6&template=without-video&confirm=true

I'd like to think the Cowboys made the right decision.

Beware of D-Ware.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Barbie Watch: School's out

There will not be a Barbie Watch tonight for the final preseason game against the Minnesota Vikings. Be sure to support Bobby's pseudo-brother Rudy tonight, though.

See you all in a few days for the regular season!