Monday, September 28, 2009

Barbie Watch, Week 3

Every week, Alex and Chris track the highs and lows of former first round pick Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. Tonight, the Dallas Cowboys hope to record their first home win in their new stadium with a Monday night game against the Carolina Panthers. Posting is relative to Arlington, Texas, at Dallas Standard Time, unless stated otherwise.

7:01 pm:
Word on the street is the Cowboys are going to use much more of the famed "Wildcat" offense tonight. Naturally, Mr. Carpenter has been lobbying for some offensive snaps, and brought some secret plays he and Marco Rivera drew up in their hotel room this weeked. These plays have since been dubbed "The Bobcat."

7:31 pm: Bobby gets some facetime right off the bat, walking into the stadium chatting up Scandrick. We imagine the conversation went something like this:

Bob: "Hey, Orlando, you're good enough for some camera time right?"
Orlando: "Yeah, they're filming me and Jenkins walking in together so they get our nameplates on our backs in dim lighting. CLASSIC"
Bob: " Oh, really? Have fun with that. I'm sure it will be a lasting memory for you."
(He then turns and rubs his hands together in an evil fashion)

7:37 pm: As mentioned earlier, Marco Rivera has returned to being the cool older guy who hangs out with the kids. You know, the guy who kept coming back to his old high school to brag about frat conquests and impress impressionable 15-year old girls. Rivera is wearing vintage 2005 Dallas Cowboys issue gear and has secured a spot on the sidelines.

Speaking of high school girls and Marco Rivera, did you know Rivera was a teammate of Mark Chmura's on the Green Bay Packers? Rumor has it Rivera was a few blocks away that prom night with some cold ones before his car broke down. And so Rivera's legacy and good name are notably different from Chmura's.

7:49 pm: The Dallas Cowboys drove down the field, looked amazing, then lost it all trying to be cute with a trick play. Folk then missed the eventual field goal attempt. Bobby uses this as an opportunity to hype up the Bobcat formation to Jason Garrett. I mean, if you want to waste a down...

7:54 pm:
Jeff Otah shouts out to a girl in the area code. Flo is visibly upset.

7:57 pm: Bobby in on 3rd downs has come up with a new, original, signature move. He calls it, "Raising the Roof," or, alternatively, "Pumping up the crowd." He's so proud of himself, he even does it right before banging some strange in the club.

8:03 pm:
Bobby back on special team duty, where he practices his first signature, "The Three Second Rule." 3 seconds after the whistle blows, jump on top of the pile. Just to make sure. He then points to Rivera in the stands as a shout out.

8:08 pm: Bobby tells Jenkins to move up on the blitz, then performs the "waving arms/ pump up the crowd" classic. Pressure is square on top of Delhomme. I credit Bobby for orchestrating that chaos.

8:10 pm: Pumped up by all the hand-waving and the big third down stop (which he engineered), Bobby begins to refer to himself as "The Conductor." He adjusts the radio dial on his iHelmet to pick up WRR 101.1 FM, Dallas' classical music station.

Bobby starts shaking his head vigorously while air-pianoing to some Beethoven-- the video monitors pick up Bobby's private concert. Bobby, thinking Beethoven was "the blind one, right?," stumbles around and falls into 3 Gatorade coolers to add to the effect. Beethoven was the deaf one, but unfortunately Bobby isn't-- and gets to hear 90,000 fans laughing at his little accident.

8:27 pm: Bobby "The Conductor" Carpenter had a chance to make the tackle there, but he was too busy custom-tailoring his jersey to have tails, just like a real conductor of a real orchestra.

8:41 pm:
Igor Olshansky strong like bull.

8:56 pm:
I agree. Boo. Boo, indeed.

HALFTIME: Panthers 7, Cowboys 0.

9:12 pm: Igor Olshansky strong like 2 bulls.

9:16 pm: Flozell false-started! He's back together with his girl back home! True love exists!

9:17 pm: Flo then promptly gets himself injured so he can go have make up sex.

9:21 pm:
With Tashard presumably down at the one, Bobby is seen on the red phone talking to Wes Phillips about running the real Bobcat. He'll get it in. He promises.

9:22 pm: Flozell Adams is back in the game. He can clearly keep it in the pants, no matter how much the Panthers try to force him to false-start. The TE jumps early, but the cameras went right to Flo. He doesn't love his girl THAT much, guys. Jeez.

(Just kidding. He totally does.)

9:29 pm: Igor Olshansky strong like 3 bulls.

9:30 pm: Barbie pirouettes up to steve smith and just kinda lays on him all gentle like. Keith Brooking is seen on the sideline playing "Dueling Banjos" a la Deliverence

9:34 pm:

9:47 pm: Flozell false-starts again, this time sending a message to that no-name Panther who false-started earlier in the game. She's mine. Hands off. I love you.

9:50 pm: Bobby, inspired by the recent Axe commercials, begins a series of EXTREME stunts on the sideline while Dallas is on offense.

First, he sneaks Powerade into the Gatorade, mostly as an F-U to big business.

Next, he runs the length of the sidelines and cannonballs into the giant misting fans.

Finally, he pantses Dave Campo.

After each stunt, he yells, "DOUBLE PITS TO CHESTY!" and caps it with the crossed-arm, WWF "suck it" gesture.

10:00 pm:
Seemingly absent from the game as of late, Bobby was just discovered by Jason Garrett calling those last two red zone plays. After telling nearly everyone to suck it 10 minutes ago, Bobby went ahead and decided to go ahead and tell Jason to suck it for not implementing the Bobcat on the goaline. He may have cost us the game, but he's ok with it. Because he made a point, damnit.

10:05 pm: Bobby was in on the 3rd down, seen pointing to the crowd. ESPN immediately flipped to a shot of a man with long, blonde hair in a white Cowboys jersey. Bobby was hoping that, maybe, just maybe this time, best friend AJ Hawk could finally watch him play. And if things went right, maybe drag some 200-pound Midwestern babes out of there and into Ghost Bar. And then back home, of course. Just like the college days.

Instead, it was just some dude in a blonde wig. Sigh. Cue the sad Charlie Brown piano music, iHelmet.

10:22 pm: Bobby has been MIA on the field. Rumor has it with the game clinched, he ran up to the video board to plan his next Phantom of the HDTV prank. Our team is investigating.

10:24 pm: You throw at Bobby Carpenter and you go NOWHERE. Double pits to chesty, Carolina.

10:25 pm: 2 straight tackles for the Bobcat. Is this actually a Bob-terminator, sent from the future to destroy all preconceived notions of Bobby Carpenter? If so, John Conner is doing his job well.

10:26 pm: Carolina is playing with fire. They throw in Bobby's general direction AGAIN, tempting fate. Bobby has a little difficulty finesse-tackling the Panther, and even tries finesse-knocking him out of bounds, but decides to let him run up-field in-bounds a little longer before taking him down. Keep that clock running.

10:27 pm: Dallas keeps Bobby in the game for the drive. If he's on the field, he can't run his mouth about the new Bobcat Offense. Bobby is sent on two more end blitzes and also gives up a first down-- but not before nudging the ball with his knee a few yards short of the first down marker. The refs still gave Carolina the first down. You can't fault a guy for trying.

10:35 pm: Dallas holds on to win, 21-7. The Bobcat is getting even more playing time, which means more face time, which means more honies from the greater Columbus, Ohio, area. And Igor Olshansky still strong like bull.

1 comment:

Greg-WAH said...

Lol Barbie was more visibly terrible tonight than usual. Did you guys notice that the Cowboys abandoned the third down nickel Barbie Carpenter package at halftime, leading to 3 straight 3-and-outs. There was a fourth, but I don't recall whether he was on the field or not. However, Carpenter should clearly be cut after this game and replaced by Victor Butler.