Sunday, October 25, 2009

Barbie Watch, Week 7

Every week, Chris and Alex follow the exploits of former first round pick, Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. This week finds Bobby back in Dallas facing the Atlanta Falcons. All places Dallas unless otherwise stated.

12:38 pm: Pregame, Bobby was seen rummaging through his pocketbook for a credit card, and reportedly used his iHelmet to call ordering a Flavorwave oven, in hopes that it comes with that sweet chain featured in the infomercial. No word on whether or not he has plans for the actual oven. (From 3:46 to 4:46)

3:19 pm
: Bobby successfully predicts where the ball will not be and ends up on the other side of the field during the pass. He jogs in after a tackle has more or less been made. All by design.

3:20 pm: Bobby in on the 3rd down tackle, but only after the first down was made. He saw the fullback sneak out of the pile, and thought to himself, I had better save a touchdown. This is an easy job, but sacrifices have to be made every now and again. Tackle made.

3:23 pm: Bobby lines up next to the defensive end and falls into coverage. Matt Ryan doesn't even bother testing the Carpenter coverage. Bobby now believes he receives the same respect Deion commanded in his day.

3:28 pm: Touchdown Atlanta. Bobby is not tested again in coverage. In fact, he seemed almost invisible. Is there an iHelmet cloaking device? that would explain a lot.

3:34 pm: Cowboys go 3 and out and the Boos rain down. This is looking like it's gonna be a long day. Bobby is offering no hope to pull us out of the dulldrums, as he runs in late on the punt coverage dressed as a security guard to check and make sure the play is over. Halloween starts early this year.

3:39 pm: On 3rd and 34, Bobby falls into coverage again, conveniently hiding from the eye of the camera during the Demarcus Ware sack. What you don't know is Bobby recently downloaded the Kindle app for his iHelmet and was polishing up on some economics reading (did you know Bobby majored in economics?). You see, less supply means more demand. Less Bobby means an inexplicable desire to get more Bobby.

3:44 pm: Both Leonard Davis and Jason Witten false start on separate plays on the same drive, clearly a gang-bang shout-out to Flozell. Or Lady Flozell. Or both? ;)

3:48 pm: Bobby in late on the punt coverage. Word is he was wondering what the Offensive line was doing with Mrs. Adams this bye week that has caused the massive shout-out. And more importantly, why he and Marco Rivera weren't invited. They spend the bye week with Mark Chmura hanging out in hot tubs in University Park with "18 year old general studies majors" according to the police report.

3:53 pm: Dallas unleashes an angry Bobby (fuming about missing the Free Reign party) on Matt Ryan on 3rd down. Unfortunately, the Bobby Comet is slightly deflected, but it still catches Ryan off guard. How come he wasn't invited? More importantly, why aren't UP co-eds attracted to econ talk in hot tubs?

3:59 pm: Colombo enjoyed his time off this bye week.

4:03 pm: Bobby has let his hair down for this game, though not on purpose. His locker was raided of all his (no pun intended) bobby pins over the last week. Too bad, he was going to use those to short circuit the machine that is Matt Ryan. Bobby fails to understand that in this case "Machine" is a simile, and not an actual description of what makes Ryan tick.

4:16 pm: Well, it's a bad drive and Bobby just wants the crowd to get in it. So he does his patented get loud move and Dallas makes noise, but it's canceled out when Atlanta converts the 1st down.

4:21 pm: Bobby in on the tackle on the kick return, and a hold is forced. This following a very TO-esque Austin TD. Bobby is pumped up, and energized to prank to the best of his ability.

4:24 pm: In a bold move, Bobby is shadowing Tony Gonzalez on 3rd downs, and he has yet to catch a pass on the Bobster. Are the cowboys showing faith in finesse?

4:30 pm: Kosier shows he enjoyed his bye week.

4:38 pm: And with that, Romo is back. An absolutely crazy touchdown after an nuts escape. Bobby is glad he bought Romo an iHelmet with infrared Falcon detector. Bobby 1, Falcons 0.

5:05 pm: Bobby in on coverage, and again they try not to tempt fate. The pass falls incomplete. However, there is an offsides call AGAIN on the defense. Just one more chance for the Bobster.

5:07 pm: Bobby in again on the long run by Snelling, seen chasing him about 5 yards behind the play. All that finesse is paying off. Word is Bobby was caught daydreaming about the beautiful Star Wars laser light show he put on yesterday at the stadium. No word yet if he's been offered any awards for the spectacle. He may try again at next week's halftime show.

5:10 pm: Touchdown Atlanta Falcons, directly over the finesse linebacker. This writer questions why you put finesse in on Goalline situations. Time to fire up that iHelmet for Romo, Bob.

5:23 pm: Miles Austin, you have arrived, sir.

5:27 pm: Bobby stands on what I hope was a QB spy. Fans on the field say they heard him screaming the Imperial march from Star Wars as Demarcus Ware came in with the pressure. So, if Ware=Darth Vader, does Bobby = Alderaan?

5:41 pm: A note: I don't think in TO's history with the Cowboys, he ever had 2 150 yard receiving games in a row.

5:43 pm: Bobby spotted on top of the mega-tron tinkering with do-dads. A possible post-game celebration or laser distraction seems imminent. Either that, or Bob really needed to poop.

5:48 pm: Bobby makes the tackle on Michael Jenkins, then runs swiftly off the field, arms pumping. Also, Crayton just returned a punt for a TD with Buehler blocking for him instead of Bobby. Buehler pulls a Bobby and is the first to congratulate him, then stares at Bob, as if to say, "Beat that."

5:52 pm: Keith Brooking is on the sideline, seen doing his best headbanging, while Bobby is on the field playing the prevent. Buehler meanwhile has stolen Bobby's Flavorwave Turbo necklace and awarded it to Brooking for beating his former team. Buehler then strokes his dasterdly evil mustache, while snickering to himself. Up next? Flozell's girl tied to the railroad tracks.

5:56 pm: I don't understand officiating. There have been a number of times this season when the Cowboys have had personal foul penalties for helmet to helmet contact that just simply wasn't there, and then Mike Jenkins just launches himself at Marty Booker and knocks him out, and a flag is nowhere to be seen. I'm almost wondering if the NFL is in fact protecting marquee players. If that were Roddy White, would that have been flagged? It's an interesting question.

6:00 pm: A jersey note. The Bobster is now sporting the bun. I wonder if his hair was getting in the way, or if the iHelmet automatically buns his hair when he plays more than 3 consecutive plays. That hair is nice, but when you're actually trying to play football, it's bothersome.

6:02 pm: The Cowboys just weren't ready for the ball to be snapped. Oh well. It's garbage time, right?

6:04 pm: Wade: "I am the worst coach in Cowboys history." Campo: "Nope, definitely me." Wade: "I've ruined a 13-3 team." Campo: "I ruined a 5-11 team. That takes true skill." Wade: "You win, asshole. Now go coach your secondary."

6:16 pm: And with that interception, the game is over. Cue the laser light show and annoint Miles Austin TO jr. Have a nice week.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Week 7 in the NFL

Alex and Chris pick the weekend's NFL games.


Sunday, October 18, 2009

Barbie Watch, Week 6

No watch this week-- the Cowboys are either watching film or partying with Marco Rivera on a beach in Mexico. Stay tuned.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Week 6 in the NFL

Alex and Chris pick the weekend's NFL games.


Monday, October 12, 2009

Upon Further Review

Do you remember the first Kansas City touchdown of the game, where Mike "11 catches, 11 touchdowns" Vrabel caught a pass from Matt Cassell to give the Chefs a 10-0 lead? According to Wade Phillips,, the TD was a blown assignment, but he wouldn't say to whom. If you watch the video of the play on, you can see Keith Brooking visibly pissed off, staring directly at one number 54, who freezes. My guess is it was Bobby's assignment, and when he saw Brooking's skoal-induced rage pointed in his direction, he played dead, in hopes that Brooking would come up, sniff him, and walk away, realizing the kill is half the fun.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Barbie Watch, Week 5

Every week, Chris and Alex track the goings-on of former first round pick, Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. This week, the Dallas Cowboys visit the Kansas City Chiefs, who are wearing "Dallas Texans" throwbacks for the AFL 50th. All places Kansas City unless otherwise stated.

12:04 pm: Opening kickoff of Dallas v. Dallas. Ogletree takes the kickoffs, and a confused Bobby runs after him, unsure who to block. "I play for Dallas, but now I just don't know...."

12:09 pm: Dallas forced to call a timeout because Bobby was calling DEFENSIVE signals for dallas, confused on who exactly he plays for. There was also a bit of lag time on the calls, because his USB powered B-B-Q was on full blast. He hears there's nothing like tailgating in Kansas City. Wait, we're in Kansas city...then why are we both Dallas....

12:14 pm: Dallas can't produce enough on offense and is forced to kick. Bobby isn't close on the coverage (I mean, the Texan called for a fair-catch, so why bother), but he strolls onto the camera right before the commercial hits. Meanwhile, a hungry offensive line discovers the USB B-B-Q grill and has a little snack. Well, all of it.

12:19 pm: After some penalties and craziness, Dallas finally unleashes 3rd down Bobby on the Texans. Bobby looks like he's moving into blitz mode... but wait, he's moving too slow for a blitz... so he's into coverage... but too slow for that... He's jogging half-ass, as if he knows someone else has the responsibility of getting the ball carrier.

12:35 pm:
Bobby, trying to be helpful, has downloaded a new "iWindmachine" app for his iHelmet. Confusion sets in again, however, and he blows the Nick Folk kick off course. Bobby, unaware of his muff, stands, hands on hips, majestically expecting praise. Instead, Buehler walks up and sticks gum in Bobby's ponytail. Those aren't tears. He's allergic to cold.

12:38 pm: Igor Olshanksy strong like bull.

12: 41 pm: Crayton fumbles the punt return into Texan hands. Bobby, with a smile on his face, walks up to Crayton and shows him the iCanCatchTheBall app.

12:53 pm: Bad: Before this drive, KC had 3 yards passing and 8 yards rushing. The TexanChiefs scored a touchdown, bringing the score to 10-0, KC.

Worse: KC sent Mike Vrabel out for the touchdown. He has 11 catches for 11 touchdowns, all on this play. WHENEVER MIKE VRABEL IS IN THE GAME ON OFFENSE, IT ALWAYS GOES TO HIM.

Worst: It was 3rd and goal. Bobby and goal.

12:58 pm: Flozell Adams shouts out to a girl back home.

1:01 pm:
Bobby C walks through the screen 5 seconds late. His lackadaisical attitude is contagious. WRITER'S QUERY: If we lose this game, do we throw the rest of the season in hopes for the number 1 overall?

1:06 pm:
Keith Brooking, with the sticky skoal sack.

1:24 pm: On a long 3rd down, Cassel takes it himself and runs for the conversion. He runs right by Bobby, who must have been confused by seeing two Dallas teams playing on the same field.

1:26 pm: Bobby falls into coverage, but isn't tested. Meanwhile, Demarcus Ware is unable to wrap up Matt Cassel. Something is wrong with Ware... injury? Psychological? Meat off Bobby's USB-powered B-B-Q grill?

1:31 pm: Halftime. Let's see if wade gets a little mad and tries to fight for his job.

1:47 pm:
Demarcus gets his first sack of the season. Apparently the leader of our defense Brooking force fed some skoal mama-bird style to the defense at halftime. Bobby, who had just seen Zombieland, was screaming "Nut up or shut up" to the special teams section of the locker room. Buehler laughs, whilst fiddling with some unknown objects in his corner locker.

1:53 pm:
Bobby is around the ball on the punt, though he just kinda stares at it, expecting it to down itself. Buehler apparently made ol' Bob and iHelmet app called "iXman." Bobby now thinks he's a male version of Jean Grey, who's telekinesis and mild control can control just about anything. Only Buehler knows the real purpose for the app.

1:57 pm:
Igor Olshanky jumpy like bull.

2:15 pm: TOUCHDOWN on a Tashard Choice run. KC leads, 13-10.

2:30 pm: After successive HUGE plays from Dallas' offense, with all eyes on the television, Flozell figures now would be the best time to tell his girl he loves her. False start, back it up.

2:34 pm: Penalties are turning into the story of the game. This team almost looks like it doesn't want to win. Is this the team subtley telling Jerry that they really hate Wade Phillips? Is Miles Austin the new number 2 receiver? Will Batman escape the jaws of defeat from the hands of the Penquin? Tune in next week, same Bat time, same Bat network.

2:36 pm:
Buehler in with the late special teams tackle on Jamal Charles. Maybe that's what the app is for, siphoning Bobby's talents and earning Buehler the 3rd down linebacker job.

2:43 pm: KC commits a series of mental mistakes and ends up with a 3rd and 26. On a long play in Bobby's general direction, KC's pass falls incomplete thanks to a huge hit from Alan Ball. Bobby, 2 feet away, gets pumped and starts doing some shoulder-arm-bounce-dance. Instead, the huge hit is flagged with a personal foul. Shoulder to head?? Come now. Campo looks incensed, Wade looks angry, Bobby keeps dancing.

2:54 pm: HUGE field goal block from Jay Ratliff!

3:00 pm:
A breakout game for Miles Austin, and Tony Romo has his first TD pass in 2 games. It's about time. Also, anyone notice how there's been little Bob action, and we now have the momentum?

3:20 pm: Overtime. Somehow, KC scored the tying touchdown and extra point in the closing minutes of the 4th quarter. KC won the coin toss, so they start with the ball.

3:23 pm: This game will be lost because of sloppy tackling and fatigue.

3:24 pm: Unless Kansas City continues to draw flags.

3:24 pm: Ladies and gentlemen, I do believe Bobby Carpenter was in on the tackle! If not, he prevented an already tackled Chief from scoring.

3:25 pm: Bobby Carpenter, back to back! This time, he envelopes the Chief receiver.

3:25 pm: BOBBY CARPENTER X3! He assists in the tackle and prevents the Chiefs from converting the 3rd down. What you don't know is Bobby is running the iBuehler app on his iHelmet, giving him superior tackling ability in a special teams body.

3:28 pm: Dallas gets nowhere on offense, punts. Chiefs begin on their 49.

3:31 pm: Brooking, starting to believe in the iHelmet, gets encouragement in "I Believe I Can Fly" by R. Kelly. Bobby is heard muttering something about urine in KC gatorade.

3:35 pm: Miles Austin, TOUCHDOWN! Austin, the solid #2, races down the field to win the game in overtime, 26-20. He does a great job of grabbing the ball, turning around, and bolting. He finishes with 10 catches, 250 yards receiving (a Cowboys record), and 2 touchdowns. The team piles on top of Austin in the end zone, including Bobby, who takes his helmet off and gets in on the action-- no doubt to show off that blonde ponytail-bob hybrid.

I thought the game was sloppy, but I'll take a thrilling overtime win and advancements in iHelmet technology to head into the bye week. Mexico, anyone?

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Week 5 in the NFL

Alex and Chris pick the weekend's NFL games.


Sunday, October 4, 2009

Barbie Watch, Week 4

Every week, Alex and Chris track the highs and lows of former first round pick Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. Today, the Dallas Cowboys visit Denver to take on the undefeated Broncos. Action occurs in Denver, Colorado, at Dallas Standard Time, unless stated otherwise.

3:14 pm:
Sadly, no Orange Crush or Brown .. Crush. The Broncos are just in the orange alternates. Dallas receives the kickoff and starts on offense.

3:18 pm: Remembering he's in Denver, Bobby flashes his boarding pass in front of Keith Brooking and cracks his first "mile-high club" joke of the day.

3:25 pm: Dallas can't scrape much together on offense and is forced to punt. Bobby rolls onto the television view (conveniently) after Royal fair-catches.

3:27 pm: Brooking meets Buckhalter for the tackle. "Attaboy, just like we discussed," Bobby yells, trying to get credit and attention for his ghost tackle. This means it's 2nd down, which means Bobby is on deck, posed like a sprinter in the blocks on the sideline.

3:30 pm: POW, 3rd down, Bobby races onto the field. Kyle Orton throws over and past Bobby. No tackle, but also, no 3rd down conversion. Bobby 1, Universe 0. Denver punts.

3:32 pm: Last night, Bobby installed Bose speakers into the Dallas sideline. Why? To provide the Cowboys with some gametime music. Currently playing on Bobby's iHelmet: John Denver - Rocky Mountain High. Wade begins to nod his head to the beat.

3:34 pm: Wade is wearing his sunglasses again.

3:36 pm: Unfortunately, Bobby's iHelmet is on shuffle, not his Denver playlist. We know this because Miley Cyrus - Party in the U.S.A. explodes onto the speakers, along with a chorus of laughter from Dallas' defense. Wade continues to nod his head to the beat for 10 more seconds. Bobby spends those 10 seconds trying to find his iHelmet and change the song. Maybe no one heard...

3:38 pm: Trying to compensate for the Miley mistake, Bobby hits play on the Gwar playlist.

3:39 pm: HOW DID GWEN STEFANI GET ONTO THE GWAR PLAYLIST?! Bobby disconnects his iHelmet from the speakers. It's too risky right now.

Meanwhile, off to the side, David Buehler rubs his hands together with the pride of a scheming schemer. It was Buehler who edited Bobby's playlist, you see, and it's the first of many payback pranks. Buehler 1, Bobby 0.

3:45 pm: 3rd down, aka Bobby Down. Sensabaugh almost picks off the Orton pass, but Bobby may have tipped it out of the way with a perfectly placed dive. "Hey, chief, incompletions mean the other team didn't catch it, right? You do your job, I do mine," Carpenter tells Sensabaugh as they jog off the field. Bobby 2, Universe 0, Sensabaugh 0 (unverified).

3:48 pm: While Bobby was hotdogging it on 3rd down, Buehler turned up the volume on Bobby's iHelmet. I mean way up, like high school house party because your parents are out of town and it's okay if you listen to urban music loud.

3:50 pm: Bobby wants to listen to some more John Denver, so he turns on his iHelmet and immediately slings it off after a terribly loud scare. His ears will only hear a faint whistle for the next 20 minutes. Buehler 2, Bobby 0.

Buehler uses this as an opportunity to dog-cuss Bobby in front of his face, but, of course ... it falls on deaf ears.

Thank you. Thank you. I'm here all week.

3:52 pm: TOUCHDOWN, COWBOYS. Denver has allowed 16 points in 3 games, which means 5.333 points a game. Dallas, up 10-0, has passed Denver's average. This obviously means Dallas is an above-average team.

3:55 pm: Buehler sends the ball into the end zone, preventing any facetime for Bobby. Buehler 3, Bobby 0.

3:56 pm: Jay Ratliff is called for a hold, mostly just to say "I love you" to Flozell Adams.

3:59 pm: On 2nd down, Dallas' defense decides to let Denver get a 1st down. Just to keep Bobby off the field. Dallas 1, Bobby 0.

4:01 pm: 3rd down, Brooking pushes Bobby onto the field (since his hearing will be out for 9 more minutes). Bobby manages to swarm the Denver runner, but only after 2 Cowboys got there first. Dallas 2, Bobby 0.

4:04 pm: The NFL is supporting the fight against breast cancer by using pink today-- signage, uniform accessories, towels, etc.

Bobby slips out of his shoulder pads and helmet to run to the restroom. Buehler capitalizes on this moment and replaces Bobby's equipment with pink equipment. Buehler 4, Bobby 0.

4:06 pm: Andre Gurode is called for tripping-- which is whatever, but you wonder what kind of personal foul Flozell has planned for today's game if Gurode just claimed tripping...

4:09 pm: Bobby returns to his now-pink shoulder pads, gloves, wristbands, and mouthpiece and, irate, marches over to an unassuming Buehler. Buehler then asks Bobby if he hates breast cancer research. Bobby, dumbfounded, walks back to the Gatorade. In pink.

Buehler 5, Bobby 0, but not for long.

4:11 pm: Romo fumbles the ball, Denver recovers. Anthony Spencer misses an interception and Denver scores. Dallas leads, 10-7.

4:12 pm: If there's anything Bobby hates more than being a prank victim, it's being a prank victim to a kid from USC. Bobby is an advocate of General William Tecumseh Sherman and loves him some scorched earth total war. "Fine, Buehler, if you want to play, we can play," Bobby says to no one in particular.

Bobby then spikes the Gatorade coolers with a pre-packaged Ziplocks of urine (on-hand just in case). Carpenter returns to Buehler, knocks the ball out of Buehler's hands, and adds, "the South LOST the war, get over it." Unfortunately, Buehler is from California but is impressed with Bobby's patriotism.

Buehler 5, Bobby 1, everyone who drinks that Gatorade 0.

4:19 pm: After a dozen complaints, Wade realizes the Gatorade has been contaminated and calls his son, Wesley Phillips (quality control) and demands a new batch of Gatorade. Wes can't seem to find any in the locker room or kitchen and has to drive to a nearby Kroger. Dallas, meanwhile, has to choose between urine or dehydration.

4:20 pm: Bobby dares everyone to drink the dirty Gatorade. Everyone refuses. Bobby then pours himself a healthy cupful and downs it, believing consumption of his own urine is sterile (Dallas watched Dodgeball on the flight to Denver). Carpenter then spikes the cup on the ground.

Buehler 5, Bobby 2, hygiene 0.

4:24 pm: Keith Brooking chases Daniel Graham out of bounds and into Bobby. Bobby, spry, hops over it.

4:28 pm: Bobby wraps up Brandon Marshall on SECOND down. Unfortunately, the tackle is called back because Denver tripped a Cowboy. Sigh.

4:32 pm: On 3rd and 20-something, Bobby rams into Daniel Graham for the ghost-assist tackle. Mission accomplished.

4:36 pm: Hearing Robert Ayers tackled Tashard Choice, Bobby (cable news sponge) begins to accuse the Denver defense of palling around with terrorists. Brooking explains the difference between Robert Ayers and Bill Ayers, then offers Bobby some Copenhagen.

4:40 pm: Dallas ends up impotent at the end of the first half and goes into the break up 10-7.


4:55 pm: Dallas kicks off to Denver to begin the 3rd quarter.

4:56 pm: Dallas and Bradie James recover the Knowshon Moreno fumble! Or were they just preventing Bobby from getting on the field?

Dallas and Denver 1, Bobby 0.

4:59 pm: Wade is still wearing his sunglasses.

5:00 pm: Buehler points to the scoreboard and tells Bobby, "Hey! It's 3rd down! Get out there, dummy!" Bobby races onto the field, realizes Dallas is on offense, then sprints back before the ball is snapped. Whew.

5:01 pm: Champ Bailey picks off Romo's pass at the Denver-6. Dallas loves turning the ball over almost as much as it loves allowing points off turnovers. Let's see if Dallas holds Denver or lets them score again.

5:04 pm: Dallas' defense allows Denver to convert the 1st down on their 2nd down attempt. Maybe next time, Bobby. Dallas 3, Bobby 0.

5:06 pm: Anthony Spencer grabs Orton's facemask on a sack on 2nd and 12. Again, close but no cigar, Bobby. Dallas 4, Bobby 0.

5:07 pm: Bradie James on a -8 yard sack! I'm sure someone on Dallas tried to get a facemask or pass interference to prevent Bobby and the 3rd down. No dice. Bobby runs onto the field. Dallas 4, Bobby 1.

5:08 pm: Buckhalter races up the left sideline and behind Bobby, who is knocked over by Brooking (who in turn is more concerned with making the tackle than saving a friendship). Dallas 5, Bobby 1.

5:15 pm: Dallas punts and the Denver returner dodges a few tacklers before being taken down. Bobby scratches and claws his way to the downed-returner. Well, crawls.

5:18 pm: With two potential injuries on the field, Fox takes us to commercial with their somber piano version of the NFL on Fox outro-theme.

5:22 pm: 3rd and 1 is still 3rd down, aka Bobby Down. He doesn't appear to be anywhere on the play. His hands must feel idle during road games (no waving to pump up the crowd).

5:24 pm: Someone should track how many 1st down conversions Dallas' defense allows on 2nd down. It's cute if you want to keep Bobby off the field, but 1st downs mean the offense is moving the ball. Not good.

5:25 pm: Boy, that sure looked like Bobby had some pass interference going in coverage...

5:27 pm: Bobby is nowhere near the play on 3rd and inches, but chooses to point where he feels the ball should be spotted.

5:28 pm: Wade's sunglasses are off!

5:28 pm: Dallas prevents Knowshon Moreno from converting the 4th and inches, but Bobby was blocked out, somehow falling toward the Denver side of the ball. Science tells me someone on Denver had to get around him and then push him for that to happen...

5:31 pm: Turns out Bobby was cut from under by an offensive lineman. But he managed to fall back-first into the Denver o-line, maybe as an F-U.


5:35 pm: Another conversion on 2nd down by Denver.

5:39 pm: Bobby falls into coverage on 3rd down and looks absolutely helpless on a tackle attempt on Daniel Graham. Graham just bounces off and keeps running.

5:40 pm: Wouldn't that have been a great punt return for a touchdown by Patrick Crayton? I still think he was an idiot for touching it at his own 5-yard line, but whatever. The play was whistled dead due to touchback.

5:47 pm: Martellus Bennett is called for holding, erasing a good Tashard Choice run. Dallas will not succeed this year with all these stupid errors.

5:48 pm: Back to back overthrows by Romo. Implosion.

5:50 pm: Bobby is in on the punt. He manages to run just close enough to the action to look interested, yet just far enough to avoid getting his hands dirty. Just fast enough to get there, but just slow enough to contribute. He is the embodiment of the generic office cubicle worker. Bobby, Real American Microcosm?

5:53 pm: Igor Olshansky strong like bull.

5:56 pm: Denver, no doubt intimidated by 3rd down Bobby, calls a timeout.

5:58 pm: Scandrick punches the air and is knocked down by the upper momentum.

5:59 pm: I don't know how, but after the Denver field goal, the game is 10-10 with 6 minutes left in the game. Both teams should have scored more points by now, but stupid mistakes make everyone impotent.

6:07 pm: One more converted 2nd down by Denver.

6:09 pm: I can't believe that actually happened. A near-Terence Newman interception or tip is plucked out of the air by Brandon Marshall and taken through a lazy Dallas defense to the house. Denver leads, 17-10.

6:14 pm: SAM HURD, 53 yards! Down to the Denver-20 on a 4th and 3 prayer.

6:20 pm: Dallas sneaks inside the Denver-5 and isn't able to punch it in. Turnover on downs with under 10 seconds left. Game over. Denver wins, 17-10. Is Denver that good, or is Dallas that bad? It may not matter-- the confidence Denver gains from these wins makes them better. But both teams would benefit from fewer penalties and mental mistakes. I hear the Mavericks are getting preseason going...