Sunday, October 11, 2009

Barbie Watch, Week 5

Every week, Chris and Alex track the goings-on of former first round pick, Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. This week, the Dallas Cowboys visit the Kansas City Chiefs, who are wearing "Dallas Texans" throwbacks for the AFL 50th. All places Kansas City unless otherwise stated.

12:04 pm: Opening kickoff of Dallas v. Dallas. Ogletree takes the kickoffs, and a confused Bobby runs after him, unsure who to block. "I play for Dallas, but now I just don't know...."

12:09 pm: Dallas forced to call a timeout because Bobby was calling DEFENSIVE signals for dallas, confused on who exactly he plays for. There was also a bit of lag time on the calls, because his USB powered B-B-Q was on full blast. He hears there's nothing like tailgating in Kansas City. Wait, we're in Kansas city...then why are we both Dallas....

12:14 pm: Dallas can't produce enough on offense and is forced to kick. Bobby isn't close on the coverage (I mean, the Texan called for a fair-catch, so why bother), but he strolls onto the camera right before the commercial hits. Meanwhile, a hungry offensive line discovers the USB B-B-Q grill and has a little snack. Well, all of it.

12:19 pm: After some penalties and craziness, Dallas finally unleashes 3rd down Bobby on the Texans. Bobby looks like he's moving into blitz mode... but wait, he's moving too slow for a blitz... so he's into coverage... but too slow for that... He's jogging half-ass, as if he knows someone else has the responsibility of getting the ball carrier.

12:35 pm:
Bobby, trying to be helpful, has downloaded a new "iWindmachine" app for his iHelmet. Confusion sets in again, however, and he blows the Nick Folk kick off course. Bobby, unaware of his muff, stands, hands on hips, majestically expecting praise. Instead, Buehler walks up and sticks gum in Bobby's ponytail. Those aren't tears. He's allergic to cold.

12:38 pm: Igor Olshanksy strong like bull.

12: 41 pm: Crayton fumbles the punt return into Texan hands. Bobby, with a smile on his face, walks up to Crayton and shows him the iCanCatchTheBall app.

12:53 pm: Bad: Before this drive, KC had 3 yards passing and 8 yards rushing. The TexanChiefs scored a touchdown, bringing the score to 10-0, KC.

Worse: KC sent Mike Vrabel out for the touchdown. He has 11 catches for 11 touchdowns, all on this play. WHENEVER MIKE VRABEL IS IN THE GAME ON OFFENSE, IT ALWAYS GOES TO HIM.

Worst: It was 3rd and goal. Bobby and goal.

12:58 pm: Flozell Adams shouts out to a girl back home.

1:01 pm:
Bobby C walks through the screen 5 seconds late. His lackadaisical attitude is contagious. WRITER'S QUERY: If we lose this game, do we throw the rest of the season in hopes for the number 1 overall?

1:06 pm:
Keith Brooking, with the sticky skoal sack.

1:24 pm: On a long 3rd down, Cassel takes it himself and runs for the conversion. He runs right by Bobby, who must have been confused by seeing two Dallas teams playing on the same field.

1:26 pm: Bobby falls into coverage, but isn't tested. Meanwhile, Demarcus Ware is unable to wrap up Matt Cassel. Something is wrong with Ware... injury? Psychological? Meat off Bobby's USB-powered B-B-Q grill?

1:31 pm: Halftime. Let's see if wade gets a little mad and tries to fight for his job.

1:47 pm:
Demarcus gets his first sack of the season. Apparently the leader of our defense Brooking force fed some skoal mama-bird style to the defense at halftime. Bobby, who had just seen Zombieland, was screaming "Nut up or shut up" to the special teams section of the locker room. Buehler laughs, whilst fiddling with some unknown objects in his corner locker.

1:53 pm:
Bobby is around the ball on the punt, though he just kinda stares at it, expecting it to down itself. Buehler apparently made ol' Bob and iHelmet app called "iXman." Bobby now thinks he's a male version of Jean Grey, who's telekinesis and mild control can control just about anything. Only Buehler knows the real purpose for the app.

1:57 pm:
Igor Olshanky jumpy like bull.

2:15 pm: TOUCHDOWN on a Tashard Choice run. KC leads, 13-10.

2:30 pm: After successive HUGE plays from Dallas' offense, with all eyes on the television, Flozell figures now would be the best time to tell his girl he loves her. False start, back it up.

2:34 pm: Penalties are turning into the story of the game. This team almost looks like it doesn't want to win. Is this the team subtley telling Jerry that they really hate Wade Phillips? Is Miles Austin the new number 2 receiver? Will Batman escape the jaws of defeat from the hands of the Penquin? Tune in next week, same Bat time, same Bat network.

2:36 pm:
Buehler in with the late special teams tackle on Jamal Charles. Maybe that's what the app is for, siphoning Bobby's talents and earning Buehler the 3rd down linebacker job.

2:43 pm: KC commits a series of mental mistakes and ends up with a 3rd and 26. On a long play in Bobby's general direction, KC's pass falls incomplete thanks to a huge hit from Alan Ball. Bobby, 2 feet away, gets pumped and starts doing some shoulder-arm-bounce-dance. Instead, the huge hit is flagged with a personal foul. Shoulder to head?? Come now. Campo looks incensed, Wade looks angry, Bobby keeps dancing.

2:54 pm: HUGE field goal block from Jay Ratliff!

3:00 pm:
A breakout game for Miles Austin, and Tony Romo has his first TD pass in 2 games. It's about time. Also, anyone notice how there's been little Bob action, and we now have the momentum?

3:20 pm: Overtime. Somehow, KC scored the tying touchdown and extra point in the closing minutes of the 4th quarter. KC won the coin toss, so they start with the ball.

3:23 pm: This game will be lost because of sloppy tackling and fatigue.

3:24 pm: Unless Kansas City continues to draw flags.

3:24 pm: Ladies and gentlemen, I do believe Bobby Carpenter was in on the tackle! If not, he prevented an already tackled Chief from scoring.

3:25 pm: Bobby Carpenter, back to back! This time, he envelopes the Chief receiver.

3:25 pm: BOBBY CARPENTER X3! He assists in the tackle and prevents the Chiefs from converting the 3rd down. What you don't know is Bobby is running the iBuehler app on his iHelmet, giving him superior tackling ability in a special teams body.

3:28 pm: Dallas gets nowhere on offense, punts. Chiefs begin on their 49.

3:31 pm: Brooking, starting to believe in the iHelmet, gets encouragement in "I Believe I Can Fly" by R. Kelly. Bobby is heard muttering something about urine in KC gatorade.

3:35 pm: Miles Austin, TOUCHDOWN! Austin, the solid #2, races down the field to win the game in overtime, 26-20. He does a great job of grabbing the ball, turning around, and bolting. He finishes with 10 catches, 250 yards receiving (a Cowboys record), and 2 touchdowns. The team piles on top of Austin in the end zone, including Bobby, who takes his helmet off and gets in on the action-- no doubt to show off that blonde ponytail-bob hybrid.

I thought the game was sloppy, but I'll take a thrilling overtime win and advancements in iHelmet technology to head into the bye week. Mexico, anyone?

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