Sunday, October 25, 2009

Barbie Watch, Week 7

Every week, Chris and Alex follow the exploits of former first round pick, Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. This week finds Bobby back in Dallas facing the Atlanta Falcons. All places Dallas unless otherwise stated.

12:38 pm: Pregame, Bobby was seen rummaging through his pocketbook for a credit card, and reportedly used his iHelmet to call ordering a Flavorwave oven, in hopes that it comes with that sweet chain featured in the infomercial. No word on whether or not he has plans for the actual oven. (From 3:46 to 4:46)

3:19 pm
: Bobby successfully predicts where the ball will not be and ends up on the other side of the field during the pass. He jogs in after a tackle has more or less been made. All by design.

3:20 pm: Bobby in on the 3rd down tackle, but only after the first down was made. He saw the fullback sneak out of the pile, and thought to himself, I had better save a touchdown. This is an easy job, but sacrifices have to be made every now and again. Tackle made.

3:23 pm: Bobby lines up next to the defensive end and falls into coverage. Matt Ryan doesn't even bother testing the Carpenter coverage. Bobby now believes he receives the same respect Deion commanded in his day.

3:28 pm: Touchdown Atlanta. Bobby is not tested again in coverage. In fact, he seemed almost invisible. Is there an iHelmet cloaking device? that would explain a lot.

3:34 pm: Cowboys go 3 and out and the Boos rain down. This is looking like it's gonna be a long day. Bobby is offering no hope to pull us out of the dulldrums, as he runs in late on the punt coverage dressed as a security guard to check and make sure the play is over. Halloween starts early this year.

3:39 pm: On 3rd and 34, Bobby falls into coverage again, conveniently hiding from the eye of the camera during the Demarcus Ware sack. What you don't know is Bobby recently downloaded the Kindle app for his iHelmet and was polishing up on some economics reading (did you know Bobby majored in economics?). You see, less supply means more demand. Less Bobby means an inexplicable desire to get more Bobby.

3:44 pm: Both Leonard Davis and Jason Witten false start on separate plays on the same drive, clearly a gang-bang shout-out to Flozell. Or Lady Flozell. Or both? ;)

3:48 pm: Bobby in late on the punt coverage. Word is he was wondering what the Offensive line was doing with Mrs. Adams this bye week that has caused the massive shout-out. And more importantly, why he and Marco Rivera weren't invited. They spend the bye week with Mark Chmura hanging out in hot tubs in University Park with "18 year old general studies majors" according to the police report.

3:53 pm: Dallas unleashes an angry Bobby (fuming about missing the Free Reign party) on Matt Ryan on 3rd down. Unfortunately, the Bobby Comet is slightly deflected, but it still catches Ryan off guard. How come he wasn't invited? More importantly, why aren't UP co-eds attracted to econ talk in hot tubs?

3:59 pm: Colombo enjoyed his time off this bye week.

4:03 pm: Bobby has let his hair down for this game, though not on purpose. His locker was raided of all his (no pun intended) bobby pins over the last week. Too bad, he was going to use those to short circuit the machine that is Matt Ryan. Bobby fails to understand that in this case "Machine" is a simile, and not an actual description of what makes Ryan tick.

4:16 pm: Well, it's a bad drive and Bobby just wants the crowd to get in it. So he does his patented get loud move and Dallas makes noise, but it's canceled out when Atlanta converts the 1st down.

4:21 pm: Bobby in on the tackle on the kick return, and a hold is forced. This following a very TO-esque Austin TD. Bobby is pumped up, and energized to prank to the best of his ability.

4:24 pm: In a bold move, Bobby is shadowing Tony Gonzalez on 3rd downs, and he has yet to catch a pass on the Bobster. Are the cowboys showing faith in finesse?

4:30 pm: Kosier shows he enjoyed his bye week.

4:38 pm: And with that, Romo is back. An absolutely crazy touchdown after an nuts escape. Bobby is glad he bought Romo an iHelmet with infrared Falcon detector. Bobby 1, Falcons 0.

5:05 pm: Bobby in on coverage, and again they try not to tempt fate. The pass falls incomplete. However, there is an offsides call AGAIN on the defense. Just one more chance for the Bobster.

5:07 pm: Bobby in again on the long run by Snelling, seen chasing him about 5 yards behind the play. All that finesse is paying off. Word is Bobby was caught daydreaming about the beautiful Star Wars laser light show he put on yesterday at the stadium. No word yet if he's been offered any awards for the spectacle. He may try again at next week's halftime show.

5:10 pm: Touchdown Atlanta Falcons, directly over the finesse linebacker. This writer questions why you put finesse in on Goalline situations. Time to fire up that iHelmet for Romo, Bob.

5:23 pm: Miles Austin, you have arrived, sir.

5:27 pm: Bobby stands on what I hope was a QB spy. Fans on the field say they heard him screaming the Imperial march from Star Wars as Demarcus Ware came in with the pressure. So, if Ware=Darth Vader, does Bobby = Alderaan?

5:41 pm: A note: I don't think in TO's history with the Cowboys, he ever had 2 150 yard receiving games in a row.

5:43 pm: Bobby spotted on top of the mega-tron tinkering with do-dads. A possible post-game celebration or laser distraction seems imminent. Either that, or Bob really needed to poop.

5:48 pm: Bobby makes the tackle on Michael Jenkins, then runs swiftly off the field, arms pumping. Also, Crayton just returned a punt for a TD with Buehler blocking for him instead of Bobby. Buehler pulls a Bobby and is the first to congratulate him, then stares at Bob, as if to say, "Beat that."

5:52 pm: Keith Brooking is on the sideline, seen doing his best headbanging, while Bobby is on the field playing the prevent. Buehler meanwhile has stolen Bobby's Flavorwave Turbo necklace and awarded it to Brooking for beating his former team. Buehler then strokes his dasterdly evil mustache, while snickering to himself. Up next? Flozell's girl tied to the railroad tracks.

5:56 pm: I don't understand officiating. There have been a number of times this season when the Cowboys have had personal foul penalties for helmet to helmet contact that just simply wasn't there, and then Mike Jenkins just launches himself at Marty Booker and knocks him out, and a flag is nowhere to be seen. I'm almost wondering if the NFL is in fact protecting marquee players. If that were Roddy White, would that have been flagged? It's an interesting question.

6:00 pm: A jersey note. The Bobster is now sporting the bun. I wonder if his hair was getting in the way, or if the iHelmet automatically buns his hair when he plays more than 3 consecutive plays. That hair is nice, but when you're actually trying to play football, it's bothersome.

6:02 pm: The Cowboys just weren't ready for the ball to be snapped. Oh well. It's garbage time, right?

6:04 pm: Wade: "I am the worst coach in Cowboys history." Campo: "Nope, definitely me." Wade: "I've ruined a 13-3 team." Campo: "I ruined a 5-11 team. That takes true skill." Wade: "You win, asshole. Now go coach your secondary."

6:16 pm: And with that interception, the game is over. Cue the laser light show and annoint Miles Austin TO jr. Have a nice week.

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