Thursday, January 28, 2010

This Never Happened, You Better Not Tell

In a related story, JaMar....err, I mean JaMegan Russell and the Bobcat are set to tie the knot on Feb. 23, 2010, AKA the 54th day of the year.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

What the Cowboys are Lacking

Just some LT style.

Stiff arm those guys.

Barbie Watch, Postseason Week 2

Every week, Chris and Alex follow the antics of former first round pick Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. This week, we follow Dallas to the land of blonde hair and blue eyes-- Southlake? No, Minnesota, home of the Vikings. Can Dallas advance to the NFC Championship game? Action occurs in Minnesota at Metroplex Standard Time.

11:48 pm: Fox just capped out a crazy, national recognition laden week for the Bobcat and his two fumble recoveries. Big-Head Bobby, because of his newfound fame, has outfitted his iHelmet with laser pointers and bicycle bells.

12:07 pm: 1 Smiles Austin.

12:08 pm: 2 Smiles Austin on 3rd and inches. First down Dallas.

12:10 pm: 3 Smiles Austin. This is gonna be a big day for him.

12:14 pm: Romo fumbles the ball and Dallas turns it over. Just like a punt Worse than a punt.

12:17 pm: Brett Favre tastes some glad-WARE. 4th down and a punt looming.

12:19 pm: Back in Big Ten country, Bobby begins waving his Ohio State schwag in the air at disheartened Golden Gopher fans. He then slips a Jim Tressel "OSU Alumni" sweatervest over his jersey and looks over Demarcus' shoulder at photos from the last series.

12:23 pm: 4 Smiles Austin on the tip. Cowboys are getting VERY lucky on this drive. Meanwhile, JaMarcus is back in a number 4 Suisham Jersey. Bobby is happy, but the Cowboys seem a bit intimidated. JaMarcus runs back to the sidelines for a quick cuddle and some encouraging ear-nibbles from the Bobcat.

12:30 pm: Gerald Sensabaugh almost deserves an iHelmet for that play on Sidney Rice. He had perfect coverage and just decided not to turn around to look for the ball. TD Minnesota and the Cowboys Woes of old seem to be creeping back.

12:35 pm: One box of Papa John's pizza for Martellus.

12:40 pm: 5 Smiles Austin. Wow.

12:41 pm: Two boxes of Papa John's pizza for Martellus.

12:42 pm: Choicecat I

12:43 pm: 3rd and goal following the sack and there is some miscommunication. JaMarcus Suisham back on the field and he makes this one. Bobby is seen on the sideline jumping for joy, and then opens a tin of dip to re-charge the defense. Brooking takes the entire tin and shoves it in his lip. Bobby, shocked, looks around for another tin, while the defense trots on to the field. JaMarcus then offers some encouraging ear nibbles and Bobcat feels better.

12:51 pm: A Bobcat down, and Brooking jumps offsides. That tin is making him a little antsy. Bobby does a quick "told you so" dance. Jenkins follows quickly with some incomplete hands.

12:53 pm: Bobby knows his former-BFF, AJ Hawk, is watching this game. What better way to make AJ miss what he once had than with a huge sack? Bobby races into Favre's field of vision, but Favre completes it anyway.

12:54 pm: Mike Jenkins incomplete hands.

12:56 pm: Dallas gets some pressure on Favre, but can't finish. Favre connects with Sidney Rice for his second touchdown of the day, and the Vikings lead 14-3.

Meanwhile, Wade puts on his sunglasses. He lost his Oakley pair, so all he has left are novelty jumbo 2010 glasses from New Year's Eve.

1:02 pm: Jared Allen, powered by the douchiness of his #69 jersey, strips the ball from Tony Romo. Allen then walks over to the Minnesota sideline, cracks open a Monster energy drink, begins reading a Maxim instead of studying plays, and asks girls in the crowd to make out.

1:09 pm: Dallas is panicking. Minnesota converts the turnover into three more points. Vikings lead, 17-3.

1:15 pm: Minnesota's Douchebag D contains Dallas yet again. Jimmy Kennedy changes his name to Jamie Kennedy Experiment after the Cowboys punt. Jared Allen's tribal tattoo begins to glow-- somewhere, nearby, two college girls are making out. Allen crawls into the stands to find the couple.

1:21 pm: Barbie is in on the Favre sack and then has to hold a Cowboy back from jawing in the face of Vikings. Holding the Cowboy back is just a nice perk from hugging a teammate. In that order.

HALFTIME. Minnesota 17, Dallas 3.

1:44 pm: 1st Bobbydown of the half, and the Vikings are forced to punt after some VERY GENEROUS calls for Dallas. Punt is away, but there is a flag. We may re punt.

1:52 pm: Three boxes of pizza for Martellus, but this one sucked.

1:54 pm: JaMarcus Suisham back on the field for another miss. Offseason goal: FIND A DAMN FIELD GOAL KICKER.

1:57 pm: Mike Jenkins throws some incomplete hands followed by a holding call on JAY RATLIFF? Here is our clunker of the year. And just when things can't seem to get much worse, AJ Hawk strolls down the ramp into the Cowboys sideline, and sees some interracial ear nibbling, and stares aghast at the Bobcat.

2:06 pm: AJ Hawk, still stunned at the sight of this interaction between Jamarcus and Bobby, approaches Bobby on the sideline.

AJ: Robert! What the hell is going on here?

Bobby: AJ! I didn't know you'd be here!

(Bobby knew.)

Jamarcus: Why don't you just tell him, Bobby? He might as well know now.

Bobby: Well, AJ, you're so far away now, up in Wisconsin, and I don't think I can do the long-distance thing anymore when you don't keep in touch. I know you've been busy, but Jamarcus and I share a bond, and he makes time for me. I just figured you were best friends with Clay Matthews now... and you didn't want me as your best friend anymore.

Jamarcus: The heart wants what the heart wants. Plus, we weren't going to the playoffs or anything, so I had a lot of free time.

AJ: What do your parents think about this, Robert?

Bobby: Well, after the Thanksgiving game against the Raiders, I brought Jamarcus home. They know. They've accepted us. Why can't you?


2:19 pm: Tony Romo is doing his best Brett Favre impression here today and is just giving the game away, as Favre was apt to do. Romo looks at the cameras and feigns dispair, but then winks at Favre as to say, "Now you go get that Super Bowl, big guy."

2:28 pm: Jerry Jones, after spotting AJ Hawk on the sidelines, rushes down to see what the hubbub is all about. Realizing there is not one but TWO players from other teams sitting on his bench, he becomes enraged. SCREAMING, security escorts a cat-fighting JaMarcus and AJ off the field while Jerry, red-faced, scrambles about the sideline looking for his "Blonde Bomber."
Bobcat is seen by some minnesota fans stealing the Viking mascot's horn-hat and hiding out behind the goalposts.

2:37 pm: Sidney Rice has just Randy Moss'd the Cowboys with his 3rd touchdown of the day over our best corner, Mike Jenkins. Dave Campo is seen screaming, and throwing incomplete hands in Jenkins face. Newman sticks his tongue out and screams, "How does it feel, jerk?"

2:52 pm: Did you know the Vikings human mascot has unrestricted access to the Vikings locker room? Bobby kidnaps the mascot and switches outfits. Bobby uses his new disguise and iHelmet's voice-modification app to sneak into the locker room and urinate in every single pair of shoes in the room. Payback. Sweet payback.

Meanwhile, an unconscious, slightly overweight, balding man in a Dallas Cowboys #54 uniform is slumped over in-place on the bench. No one notices the change, except Jamarcus, who is watching from a holding cell in Minneapolis.

3:00 pm: Dallas goes down in Minnesota, 34-3.

We got more than we expected from the Cowboys this year, and so we look forward to the 2010 season with greater goals and a higher standards. And Vikings, look forward to that foot fungus courtesy Barbie.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Barbie Watch, Postseason Week 1

Every week, Chris and Alex follow the antics of former first round pick Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. This week, we stay in Dallas for the rematch of week 17 against the hated Eagles. All places Dallas unless otherwise stated.

7:07 pm: Off the bat, Kosier shouts out to a girl back home.

7:08 pm: Royshonda gets one nail did. The Pinkie. It was minor.

7:10 pm: Royshonda gets a second nail did, and uses it to signal first down. Interesting...

7:11 pm: Choicecat for the first down, and the Cowboys are getting out countdowns out of the way early.

7:17 pm: Knocked out of FG position and we punt, thanks to a terrible penalty on Jason Witten and a sack on a non-block by Andre Gurode. Playoff demons? Are you back?

7:15 pm: The Cowboys try to eat off the Ogletree but Witten commits pass interference. Go figure.

7:21 pm: Bobby C in on the first Bobby down of the game, and gets some crucial pressure, causing an incompletion to Bradie James, who then signals for incomplete hands. Jenkins nods approvingly. The Cowboys now on offense, Bobby retreats to the bench to quickly treat Royshonda to a new Blue and Silver nail polish, and promises to paint his nails if he has a good game.

7:18 pm: After an anticlimactic punt, NBC shows George W. Bush sitting next to Emmitt Smith, enjoying a deep, meaningful conversation. I can only imagine what they're talking about + how many words and predicates are missing.

7:25 pm: Felix lets his 2nd cat out of the bag, follow by an Eagle sack. looks like a back and forth game.

7:27 pm: Dallas punts again, if only to kill any momentum on Philly's part from a potential missed field goal. Dallas manages to down the ball inside the five, but not before Bobby goes helmet to helmet with Player#53. Bobby comes to play in the playoffs.

7:33 pm: Bobcat makes a third down tackle and TERRANCE NEWMAN IS PUMPED. Congrats Barbie on your first meaningful play.

7:37 pm: Colombo, in his first game back, shouts out to a girl back home.

7:39 pm: Bobby begins sewing roses onto his Cowboys jersey to celebrate his Ohio State Rose Bowl victory. He then adds a rose sticker to one side of his helmet for big plays.

Bobby asks Royshonda how the Horns did in Pasadena this year. Royshonda pulls Bobby aside and, through tears, asks him to never bring up the Alabama game again.

7:41 pm: 1 Smiles Austin.

7:42 pm: Immediatly followed by a 2nd smile for pass interference. Loving it.

7:43 pm: John Phillips, 2nd cousin, with the touchdown! Dallas goes up, 7-0, and Tony Romo leap kicks onto the sideline. A few inches to the right and Wade would have lost his sunglasses.

7:46 pm: DON'T EAT OFF THE OGLETREE! What a tackle on special teams.

7:47 pm: Michael Vick to Jeremy Maclin. All the way. Touchdown. Philadelphia finally got their big play. Game is tied, 7-7.

7:52 pm: Wade Phillips challenges the Romo interception call. He throws the flag with all the conviction of a 3rd grader trying to get out of punishment but knowing he can't.

7:55 pm: Overturned!

8:01 pm: Royshonda gets a 3rd nail did, and he's 3 for 3 today....Interesting.

8:06 pm: TOUCHDOWN! Tashard Choice, thank you. Dallas 14, Philly 7.

8:10 pm: Jenkins on the coverage, and brings some incomplete hands.


8:16 pm: Royshonda gets a 4th nail did, and each one is HUGE! Roy has woken up.

8:18 pm: Roy has a whole hand did, but he fell down. Maybe he just wants one more catch this half.

8:24 pm: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, OUR OWN BOBBY CARPENTER CAME UP WITH THE FUMBLE RECOVERY! Unbelievable. Bobby and Royshonda have turned it ON this postseason. Bobby races off the field with his ball and secures it in a safe beneath his personal Gatorade cooler. One more rose sticker on his helmet.

8:29 pm: 4 SMILE AUSTIN and a TD! 24-7 Cowboys.

8:30 pm: Bobby is playing with a renewed sense of self today. He just winked on national television.

8:37 pm: Dallas turns on the heat and forces a Philadelphia fumble. I love this January momentum!

8:45 pm: Don't eat off the Ogle-bush. First down, and here comes some Suisham. Dallas makes it 27-7 going into halftime.

9:04 pm: The first Bobby down of the half and the pass is tipped. 3 and out, here comes the Cowboys offense.

9:13 pm: Jason Peters shouts out to a girl back home, Cowboys fans everywhere are thankful, meanwhile, Mike Jenkins knocks the pass out of the air and has some incomplete hands.

9:15 pm: Todd Herremans shouts out to a girl back home. Good things, man, good things.

9:20 pm: Too much dancing and too much coverage means that D-line is coming, Donovan. Anthony Spencer delivers another one of Spencer's Gifts: fake plastic vomit for pranks.

9:28 pm: Felix lets another cat out of the bag. A 74 yard cat. Amazing. 34-7 Cowboys.

9:33 pm: Mike Jenkins busts out the incomplete hands. On the very next play, he picks the ball off and tries to lateral it to Terence Newman. Philadelphia recovers the fumble.

9:35 pm: Jason Peters makes a second shout out to a girl back home.\

9:40 pm: Royshonda breaks his first nail of the game, luckily, so does Asante Samuel. Punt coming.

9:48 pm: Vick in, and throws a pass. Jenkins watches the pass go down, and throws some incomplete hands. A perfect effort.

9:50 pm: Hatcher sack.

9:57 pm: 5 Smiles Austin

9:58 pm: Choicecat II for no gain, followed by a Felix first down.

10:01 pm: 6 Smiles Austin

10:03 pm: Jason Witten shouts out to his wife back home.

10:04 pm: 7 Smiles Austin

10:10 pm: Barbie the All-Pro gets his second fumble recovery of the game. What a day.

10:29 pm: Well, it's over. The Dallas Cowboys beat the Philadelphia Eagles, 34-14, and win their first playoff game since December 28, 1996 (Chris was 11, Alex was 7). Wade is guaranteed one more year, and the Cowboys roll into the second round to take on the Vikings. Coincidentally, the Vikings were the last team the Cowboys beat in the playoffs prior to tonight.


In closing, thank you, Philadelphia, for making Bobby Carpenter look like Randy White. You made the #54 jersey proud, Barbs. Goodnight.

Postseason Predictions, 2009-10


NFC Wildcard
Dallas over Philadelphia; Green Bay over Arizona

AFC Wildcard
New York over Cincinnati; New England over Baltimore

NFC Divisional
Dallas over Minnesota; New Orleans over Green Bay

AFC Divisional
San Diego over New England; Indianapolis over New York

NFC Championship
Dallas over New Orleans

AFC Championship
San Diego over Indianapolis

Super Bowl
Dallas over San Diego



NFC Wildcard
Dallas over Philadelphia; Green Bay over Arizona

AFC Wildcard
Cincinnati over New York; New England over Baltimore

NFC Divisional
Dallas over Minnesota; Green Bay over New Orleans

AFC Divisional
San Diego over New England; Indianapolis over Cincinnati

NFC Championship
Dallas over Green Bay

AFC Championship
Indianapolis over San Diego

Super Bowl
Dallas over Indianapolis

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Barbie Watch, Week 17

Every week, Alex and Chris follow the antics on and off the field of former first round pick, Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. This week, the Cowboys take on the Eagles for the NFC East crown. All places Dallas unless otherwise stated.

3:16 pm: Kickoff, and Bobby is on the sidelines, gearing up for the game on his iHelmet with a little Toto.

3:18 pm: Leonard Davis shouts out to a girl back home.

3:24 pm: Jason Witten leans in for a BIG touchdown at the beginning of the game. Bobby runs on the field scoffing. "I coulda done that" he mutters under his breath. That's one angry urine bag stored for the Philly sideline.

3:27 pm: Buehler kicks the ball right out of the endzone, preventing Bobby's first facetime of the day. Enraged, Bobcat fills another bag of urine. Come third down, Donovan is gonna get it.

3:31 pm: Bobby-down, and they bring the pressure. To distract Donovan, a urine bag is thrown by Bobby, and Bradie James gets the sack and the facetime. Bobby silently takes credit for the sack. Moving to the sideline, he is FINALLY acknowledged by Wade with a sutble high-five, followed by feverish hand washing, after Wade remembers just what Bobby was handling.

3:36 pm: Martellus Bennett shouts out to a girl back home, and gets sent straight to the bench. Martellus can now make a lengthy phone call to said girl, as he will probably sit the rest of the game.

3:42 pm: A tipped ball and an interception in the red zone for Romo. We were just commenting on how strong the Cowboys were looking. Go figure. On another note, Royshonda and Romo have compiled an astounding 45% completion rate for the season. Averaged out, he has broken more nails than he's gotton did this season. The BUST label looming, Royshonda looks over to Bobcat for advice. Bobby just hits shuffle on Royshonda's iHelmet, and Royshonda sinks into the bench, tears in his eyes, while belting out Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You"

3:46 pm: Bobbydown, and he bites on the scramble. McNabb completes to Celek. Bobby sits on the bench with a hearty "Goddamnit, Bobby" raining down from the sidelines.

3:51 pm: Brent Celek is beginning to kill us on Bobby downs. Are our Tight End Woes back? Is Roy Williams playing saftey again? I sure hope not. Meanwhile Carpenter is in on second down, and Pro-Bowl-Snub Jenkins breaks up the pass. Incomplete hands.

3:54 pm: Jeremy Maclin does his best Royshonda impression and breaks a nail. The Cowboys get a break and it's 4th and 8. Bobby celebrates by pouring a bag out into the Eagles Gatorade container. Cheers, Donovan. Subtle high fives abound on the Cowboys sideline.

4:02 pm: An illegal snap on Andre Gurode, and he shouts out to a girl back home. That's 5 penalties so far. I wonder how much the Eagles paid the refs.

4:04 pm: 6th penalty. A hold. This is terrible. I don't see a hold. These refs are being a BIT ticky tack.

4:06 pm: 3 smiles Austin. And just an incredible catch and perfect throw. Good teams overcome penalties.

4:08 pm: Timeout number 1 for Dallas, after Romo finally ran out of time on the play clock. He runs to the sideline to yell at Bobby for not resetting the play clock. Apparently, since Bobcat has so much time on the sidelines to mess around with lasers, urine bags, iHelmets, and Royshonda manicures, Wes Phillips decided to give him a real job. After all, we are paying him to do all these things. Already, Jerry is considering firing him.

4:11 pm: Crayton gets the touchdown, and it's Romo's 2nd of the day. The Cowboys are on a bit of a roll here. 3 drives, all inside the 20, and one lucky interception by Philly. This is a dominating performance thus far. Think the Boys are a little mad about 44-6 last year? This might just be redemption.

4:18 pm: The pressure is coming after the center for Philly, but it's not getting there. McNabb is beating the Cowboys deep, but as I type there's a fumble and Ratliff recovers. A straight drop by McNabb, word is he was disgusted by the thick urine coating on the ball. Ratliff, unfazed, picks up the fumbled snap. First down Boys, and another subtle high five for Bobcat. An interesting day it's becoming, with so much praise for the much maligned finesse linebacker.

4:22 pm: The Cowboys try to eat off the Ogletree and miss. However, the Eagles swat at Romo's face, roughing the passer. That's a cowboy-esque penalty. First down boys.

4:27 pm: Royshonda breaks a very confused looking nail. FG attempt looming. And, it's good. 17-0 Cowboys.

4:31 pm: After the play, Jason Peters pulls a Flozell and knocks Jenkins WAY into the bench, as well as a facemask. Jenkins signals incomplete hands.

4:36 pm: Bobby keeps Brian Westbrook inbounds to end the half. The Play of his career, Bobby celebrates by showing incomplete hands. Jenkins smacks him with his own urine bag, further bleaching Bobby's blonde hair.

"Bobby, he completed the pass, you can't do incomplete hands, you idiot."

"I know, but he didn't get the first down"

"But he caught the ball. You're a failure as a football player. As punishment, I'mma make you sit on the star for all of halftime. You're in the worlds biggest mush-pot"


Wes Phillips turns and just nods his head. Bobby sighs, then sits on the star, flips down his iHelmet visor and begins the critically acclaimed "Cars" from Disney-Pixar.


4:52 pm: Terrance Newman gets injured on the first play of the half. Campo is seen screaming at Newmans knee.

4:55 pm: 3rd and 2 and they pass is dropped. Bobby does a timid incomplete hands, and Jenkins gives an approving nod. Akers on for the FG and MISSES IT. 17-0 still, Dallas leads.

4:59 pm: a 7th penalty, another hold. It brings back ANOTHER long play by Felix Jones. The Cowboys are having a rough time here. I think the Eagles have just 2 penalties. Amazing this team is able to overcome the stupidity.

5:04 pm: Newman is back in the game, after his knee had simply had enough of Campo's tomfoolery. Also, Max Jean-Gilles shouts out to a girl back home.

5:05 pm: First Bob-down of the 2nd half, and McNabb throws the ball directly at Bobby's feet. Bobby throws incomplete hands and asks for intentional grounding. "You're starting to understand now, young padawan" says Jenkins.

5:11 pm: Delay of Game, the sidelines point to Bobby. Wade SCREAMS for the first time in his three years here. Wes is just dissapointed. Bobby is forced by David Buehler to drink a bag of his own urine, as a form of Hara kiri, to save face.

5:15 pm: Leonard Weaver breaks a nail, and it's Bob-Down. McNabb fumbles, but then quickly recovers on a lucky bounce. Spencer buys a vibrating cucumber to give to the Eagles.

5:20 pm: FELIX JONES TO THE HOUSE! The cat pulls 1 trick out of his bag.

5:25 pm: Bobcat gets a SACK! But only because Spencer teed him up. That 5 seconds late strategy Carpenter uses finally pays off. Happy Sack day, Bobcat. Wade gives a subtle high five.

5:29 pm: Don't eat off the Ogletree!

5:37 pm: Suisham on for the FG attempt, and he pulls a Folk. JaMarcus Suisham, everyone. Bobby smiles from ear to ear. His best bud is back in town.

5:40 pm: Jason Hatcher gets his first sack of the year sans helmet, and there's a penalty for illegal hands to the face. That's one of the gutsiest tackles I've ever seen. Next play, Pro Bowl snub Mike Jenkins gets to throw incomplete hands.

5:47 pm: The game is starting to wind down, and AMAZINGLY the Cowboys have held their opponants to 0 points in the last 7+ quarters. Even if the Eagles score in garbage time, this is extremely encouraging. Makes you wonder if this team is fighting for Wade Phillips' job.

5:51 pm: A note, the Cowboys have NEVER shut out two opponants in consecutive weeks. I hope this isn't like a no-hitter jinx or something.

6:09 pm: 4th and 11. one play and the double-shutout is complete. JENKINS WITH INCOMPLETE HANDS. 2 shutouts, 2 weeks. Incredible.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Week 17

Alex and Chris pick the weekend's NFL games.