Sunday, August 30, 2009

It's true, they do exist....

At first, I couldn't believe it. I was so awestruck I had a real hard time collecting myself enough to take a good enough shot. So, it's a bit fuzzy. After I collected myself, I stood and waiting in my partypass standing room only "seat" ready to pounce.

Still, the photo is fuzzy, but this is definitely jersey gold. I really wondered if anyone bought these, and if they did, if they wore them. Apparently he's proud of Bobby.
This guy must be a fan of the blog....

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Barbie Watch: Preseason, Week 3

Every week, Alex and Chris track the statistics and antics of former first round pick Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. Tonight, the Cowboys take on the San Francisco 49ers. All locations Arlington unless stated otherwise.

5:45 pm: Alex, attending tonight's preseason game, texted me the following:
Found: 1 man with child. Child in Witten, man in Carpenter jersey.
Foreshadowing? Metaphor? Big Ten - SEC superiority statement? Has Bobby supplanted Jason Witten as team leader?

7:05 pm: Opening kickoff, Cowboys are receiving. Can I say I'm glad the 49ers have returned to a classic uniform? This game is very easy on the eyes. Beautiful.

7:15 pm: The Cowboys have to settle for a field goal on fourth down, but a Proctor hold erases the 3 points and forces the Cowboys to punt. Still no sight of Bobby ... even two seconds after the whistle blows, when he usually jogs into the camera's sight.

7:18 pm: Dallas' defensive starters are announced--Bobby is riding the pine tonight. Someone has to hold Keith Brooking's Skoal, and Bobby doesn't trust #52, Matt Stewart, whom you may remember as Bobby's over-achieving doppelganger .

7:23 pm: Dallas forces a 49er punt for a touchback. No sight of Bobby blocking on the kick return. Does Bobby still have poison ivy? Perhaps David Buehler forged a note from the team doctor stating poison ivy requires a one-game quarantine, and delivered it to Wade?

7:30 pm: As it turns out, Bobby was missing in action because he was told to fetch a tin of Copenhagen from Brooking's Ford F-650. The only problem? Brooking's truck was parked at the Cici's Pizza across from Cowboys Stadium. Anything for a friend.

See if you can solve this SAT question.
Popeye : spinach :: Keith Brooking : ____
The answer, of course, is dip. With more dip (courtesy of our Midwestern Mercury), Brooking and the linebacking corps should be unstoppable.

7:35 pm: Romo interception returned 57 yards by San Francisco. Bobby, wishing to help his former best friend, replaces Romo's mouthpiece with a pure-tobacco replica--you know, for the energy. I mean, it works for the linebackers, right?

7:36 pm: Romo rips the tobacco-mouthpiece off his facemask and throws it to the floor. It wasn't too hard, considering tobacco is a tad weaker than a normal mouthpiece.

7:40 pm: I finally see Bobby on TV. His ponytail is hanging outside his helmet. Mini-tribute to Brian Bosworth?

7:53 pm: Romo-to-Witten secret play = completion. Dallas then runs Marion Barber and Felix Jones all the way to the end zone for the first score of the night. Dallas leads, 7-0.

7:56 pm: No sight of Bobby on the kickoff. Until the camera panned to the sideline.

8:00 pm: Today is Jay Ratliff's birthday. Bobby sneaks a pinch of Skoal into a slice of ice cream cake and waits for Jay to come back to the sideline for his birthday boost surprise.

8:01 pm: Ratliff sees the cake waiting for him on the bench, beams, and takes a huge bite. Bobby hides sheepishly behind the Gatorade cooler, ready to spring out in case Jay likes his surprise. Jay spits the cake out in disgust, utters a string of unbloggable profanities, and throws the cake at a uniformed #52 Matt Stewart, mistaking him for Bobby. Crisis averted, Bobby thinks to himself, as he pops in another Big League Chew.

8:03 pm: False start, Dallas offense. Typical--but this time the penalty is on Marc Colombo and Leonard Davis. We still have no pre-snap penalties from Flozell Adams, who usually uses those as a shout-out to his girl back home. Is everything okay in Hotel Flo?

8:07 pm: Field goal for Dallas, now up 10-0.

8:09 pm: Buehler chases a 49er out of bounds on the kickoff, just inches away from a collision with Bobby on the sideline. Next time, Buehler mutters. Next time.

8:15 pm: Rant of convenience here: there is only one instance of black on the entire San Francisco uniform, and it's on that redundant second oval around the helmet logo. Why can't you remove that, SF? I mean, really? You make all these great strides by removing the shadows and extra outlines from your numerals, but then you keep that one remaining flaw? Sigh.

8:17 pm: TACKLE, BOBBY CARPENTER! Is this a result of fresh legs, or the dip he's sneaking?

8:19 pm: Bobby's tackle plays a big part in holding San Francisco to a 42 yard field goal. 10-3, Dallas, at the half. Bobby plans to fashion a second mouthpiece from pure Skoal (Romo destroyed the original) instead of listening to the halftime speech. It's okay--Bobby is a visual and tactile learner, anyway.

8:40 pm: Plenty of time has passed with no sign of Bobby. Too much tobacco ingested sent Bobby to the trainers to throw up and replenish lost fluids. In the meantime, Bobby edited Wikipedia's tobacco entries to include the football-related benefits of Skoal, namely the energy boost.

8:52 pm: Carpenter avoids a pass-interference penalty as he dives to deflect a Brock Huard pass. No flag + no catch = the late '90s WWF "suck it" gesture towards the SF bench, via Bobby.

9:04 pm: SF's Nate Davis runs with the ball and slides into Bobby's feet. Bobby leans forward (still standing), taps Davis on the back, and is credited with a tackle.

9:06 pm: Carpenter is locked up with SF's #76 and rendered impotent, unable to stop the leaping rusher from scoring. Touchdown SF, game tied at 10.

9:31 pm: #52 Matt Stewart is in the game, which means anything good will be credited to fake Bobby, and anything bad will be blamed on real Bobby.

9:35 pm: Isaiah Stanback fumbled a catch away into the hands of San Francisco. I think he just cut himself from the team.

9:50 pm: The past few drives have been a back and forth exercise in futility. We're tied at 13 now.

9:56 pm: Thanks to some untimely flags, SF is approaching the end zone with under a minute left in the game.

9:58 pm: Touchdown, Sheets and the 49ers. SF leads, 20-13.

10:01 pm: Bobby was in on the kickoff return, but he mostly ran into things and flinched in the general direction of the returner.

10:06 pm: Cowboys lose, 20-13.

Final: Well, it was a busy first half of the game for Bobby, but things grew quiet as the game progressed. We can only guess that Skoal provides a strong burst of initial energy, but burns out after a quarter or two. As for Brooking, he spent the rest of the game enjoying some Dodge Hemi commercials on his Blackberry, including one favorite. You know, the one where the Southern girls pop out of nowhere? Mix in some dogs and dip and you've nailed Keith's fantasy. Enjoy, and good night.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Barbie's Absence from Practice....

"[Bobby] Carpenter didn't practice [today] because one of his eyes was swollen shut by a poison ivy infection. Phillips said the swelling went down enough for Carpenter to see in his meetings and doesn't expect it to change his status for Saturdays game. How Carpenter got the poison ivy though, is beyond his knowledge...

'I don't think he was out hunting or anything,' Phillips said."
From Dallas

There are 2 things we can gather from this recent development.

1. Bobby's manhood and/or ability to assimilate himself into the southern lifestyle is being questioned by Phillips. Wade clearly doesn't believe Bobby is a big hunter. Keith Brooking has been heard mumbling that he thought something was fishy when Bobby tried to tell him about his 120 caliber BB gun.

2. David Buehler is MUCH MORE CREATIVE than Zach Thomas ever was. Poison ivy prank? I think I have a new favorite player.

You can clearly see, just behind Mr. Buehler's right, a small poison ivy plant growing in a pot on his back patio. How long has he been planning this?

Friday, August 21, 2009

Barbie Watch: Preseason week 2, and the Opening of God's House

Every week, Alex and Chris track the statistics and antics of former first round pick Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. Tonight, he faces off against the Tennessee Titans in the preseason home opener. Expectations are high in 2009. All locations Arlington unless stated otherwise.

6:38 pm:
Issues are already arriving here at the new stadium, with Titans punters hitting the video board with their punts. Angry at taking his spot on punt team, Bobby is rumored to have spent his entire rookie signing bonus to lower the video board 10 feet to interfere with David Buehler's extraordinary kickoffs.

7:05 pm: Bobby Carpenter plays the national anthem? And cut his hair? How embarrassing....

7:12 pm: Bobby sees his first action back in his old position on punt team. He ends up around the tackle, but most definitely not in on it. He's such an important member of the team, he didn't want to get himself injured.

7:14 pm: Bobby sees his first action on defense on the third down set. Kevin Burnett is behind his television laughing.

7:25 pm: As the Cowboys' offense dinks and dunks down the field, Bobby finds any excuse to use the restrooms. Only marginally more knowledgeable about the new stadium than the ushers, Bobby can get away with 15-minute intervals for exploration. Carpenter finds the "giant video screen" room and lowers the monitor just one more inch. No one will notice. Except Buehler.

7:34 pm: Buehler kicks off after the Cowboys score the first touchdown of the game, going up 7-0. His kick narrowly dodges a low-hanging RGB cord and sails down the field. Bobby ends up near the returner in a mass of humanity, but fails to make the tackle. In fact, he just kind of stuck his arms out and.. eh, can't reach--essentially challenging the new "special teams headhunter" David Buehler to live up to his billing. Buehler is beat to the punch by Sensabaugh. But he got there.

7:40 pm: Keith Brooking, in an act of extreme friendship, got in Wade's ear and told him Bobby is a superior player, and the defense needs more finesse. Bobby was granted at least a series with the starters, while Brooking takes his puppies for a walk and slaps a bag of chew in his Georgian mouth.

7:50 pm: Is it just us, or is Flozell Adams looking more statuesque this season? Svelte, even?

8:03 pm: Anthony Spencer brings the heat and puts pressure on Kerry Collins. That's what the TV shows. Who brought the heat from the left? Ol' chargin' 54, our Barbie, of course. Brooking, meanwhile, added the TBS app on his BlackBerry--for Atlanta Braves updates and Tyler Perry webisodes.

8:17 pm: Bobby has been curiously absent for the last 15 or so minutes of the game. Pam Oliver caught up with him grabbin a gourmet Kobe Beef burger and taking a seat on the 50 yardline to enjoy the hypnotizing show put on by the 60 yard screen. He gave his jersey to a 3 year old fan, in order to more adequately fit in. He is, however, still wearing his shoulder pads and helmet.

8:20 pm: You may be wondering why FOX and the referees are having issues with their microphones. Unfortunately, New Cowboys Stadium is not yet equipped to handle the technological demands of microphones and Bobby's iHelmet. Nothing goes better with football than Bobby's March 2008 Maxim Russia podcast.

8:21 pm: Touchdown, Titans, now up 10-7. Dallas' walkie-talkies have been screwed up all night and the defense suffers for miscommunication. Why? Well, interference from Carpenter's iHelmet, of course (crazy Maxim Russia spring break podcast).

8:34 pm: Halftime. Cowboys are up 14-10. If you're keeping track from home, yes, that long-flowing golden mane was right there on the kickoff, just in case the Titan decided to run the ball in after the whistle.

8:49 pm: Bobby is back, in on the tackle late, just throwing it in for some umph. More notable, he's playing alongside new BFFL Keith Brooking. Inside sources tell us that they share dip in between plays, and discuss the future of the buckeyes.

9:04 pm: The punt from Jeff Trepasso hits the scoreboard. Bobby's plan once again fails to affect the intended player and instead benefits the Cowboys. Maybe it is a good thing we kept him. Also, Bobby is now in the game for at least the next quarter, and his effect is still nil. Bobby, having never chewed dip before but wanting to seem cool to his new friend (Brooking), is reportedly having a Sandlot moment, when the kids are on the spinning hat at the fair. Watch for a McNabb style hurl.

9:09 pm: Also, Flo managed to exit the game without a false start penalty. Is there trouble in paradise?

9:10 pm: Bobby throws up in the men's room all over his football jersey. Just like homecoming. He swears to never use tobacco products to impress new friends again. Just like homecoming.

9:14 pm: Bobby's compromised sense of balance shows up as he stumbles into the Titan runner. Meanwhile, who is this #52?

9:30 pm: If you're wondering if Bobby is still in--yes, but he only shows up two seconds after the whistle is blown. Try the same trick at home on each play.

9:33 pm: On the biggest play in Barbie's short career, he stops the inVince-able one for a loss on 3rd down. Way to pump that fist, Bob.

9:45 pm: Bobby is officially done for the night. Thanks for following along. We're gearing up for 2009. Get ready for some fireworks, followed closely by laser light shows and gatorade baths.

PS: 9:47 pm: Matt Stewart has been identified as #52. In uniform, he is nearly indistinguishable from Bobby. Stewart comes up with the interception and runs back to the sideline for congratulations and slaps from coaches and teammates--but everyone addresses him as Bobby. Meanwhile, the real Bobby stews off to the side, upset that someone else is stealing his thunder, cramping his style, and receiving credit for it. Luckily, Bobby has just the app for this situation on his iHelmet--with the push of a button, steam billows out.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Concerning all things Magic

Good news for Tiger Woods yesterday, as Brett Favre in a surprise move came out of retirement and signed a 2 year, 25 million dollar deal with the Minnesota Vikings, thus resetting the Matrix, bringing back Favre-magic and driving the Romo-Black-Magic back into its deep, dark cave where it hides with Osama Bin-Laden and the Nazi underground.

This can be taken as good news and bad news for Cowboys fans, depending on how you look at things. Good news in that the Black Magic will remain dormant so long as Favre is playing, good news in that our Cowboys play the Vi-Queens in the 4th preseason game (the Favre-Magic Bowl, as I like to call it) and have a chance to claim the magic for themselves, but also bad news in that as soon as Favre is no longer on the field, the Romo Black Magic re-enters the equation on Romo's shoulders.

All in all, it's going to be an interesting season.

The views and findings regarding magic in this blog should be taken as fact, as it is based on years of observational research and study.

Monday, August 17, 2009

With Favre retired....

With Favre retired, it has occurred to me maybe his magic retired with him. 

My reasoning here is a bit complex. We all agreed last season that Romo is the heir apparent to Favre. Therefore, if Romo is the next Favre, he must have Romo-magic. However, given that Romo has a tendency to choke late in the season, (December, Playoffs, etc), it has become my belief that his magic is in fact black-magic.


Earlier this year, Romo and Tiger Woods played a Pro-Am together. Up until today, Tiger Woods was 14-0 when leading by 2 strokes going into the last day of a Major tournament. We are nearing the end of the Golf Year with this, the PGA Championship. 

Woods lost. In epic fashion. To a guy ranked 110th in the world.

Romo-Black-Magic has been passed to Tiger.

Cowboys fans, rejoice. We are going to win this year.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Preseason Game 1: The Comeback

After a long summer, we here at Barbie are back with a vengeance. Chris and I were both away from our computers for the first preseason game, so here's a quick recap of the action:

Bobby started the game on the third down defense, and, as usual, had nearly no effect with the starters. In fact, he looked confused. The second quarter came around, and to my surprise, Bobby is apparently the one designated on the 2nd team defense to wear the play-calling helmet. Also, to my surprise, Bobby was actually listening to the plays, and not Keane's first album on repeat through the iHelmet. The 2nd quarter and beyond is just filled with bad news for Cowboys fans. The OAKLAND RAIDERS BACKUPS ran all over us. Our second team defense was so bad, in fact, it made Bobby look GOOD. That's right. After the starters were subbed out, Bobby had at least 2 clean tackles and a pass defense that in every right should have been an interception if he had any talent.

Bobby would later complain that his gloves were coated in some sort of grease, with a note saying "see you Week 6, signed, ZT"

Keith Brooking later consoled Bobby, and encouraged him to keep his head and his hair up. Some people will just never understand how difficult it is to be Bobby C.

No word yet on if Bobby and Brooking are actually buddies.

Look for Bobby Watch to start again preseason Week 2.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Be Right Back

Please excuse our delay--- one of us has a summer job, while the other is trying to fight unemployment. We will be back soon with a new season of Barbie goodness! Thanks---