Sunday, December 28, 2008

Barbie Watch, Week 17

With what may be the last watch of the season, Chris and Alex wish everyone a happy holiday season. Let's watch as Bobby attempts to destroy it.

3:06 pm - With Oakland seemlingly about to beat Tampa, Chicago seemlingly about to lose, it's giving the iggles a chance, if they win, to clinch a playoff spot. Just what they need, something to play for. Hopefully they choke. Something tells me, however, Bobby may have switched Oakland and Tampa's uniforms pregame, because there's no way Oakland wins that game on paper. Then again, we are paper champions. Blegh.

3:16 pm - Bobby Carpenter with the opening kickoff out of bounds. He was going for a suprise onside kick, so switch Jerseys with Nick Folk. Something tells me this is going to be a big jersey switching game.

3:19 pm - Andy Reid, meet shaver. It looks like someone needs a trip to Gillete field for a good shave. No word on if Bobby C just pasted it on pregame as a joke.

Also, a fumble. Bobby is taking credit with his new laser-pointer with a sniper-sight. Apparently even Bobby wants to get into the playoffs.

3:24 pm - The Cowboys, after recovering the fumble, go 3 and out, in typical, game starting fashion. Bobby, once again sitting out this week with a "calf injury," is playing the new Crash Bandicoot Racing application on his iHelmet, with new Visor/digital screen. The coaches think he's paying attention, even cheering for his team, and Bobby is happy, not bothering anyone, throwing different explosives at animated go-karts.

3:27 pm - Keith Davis goes down with a knee injury, completely depleting our safties, as he was our 3rd stringer. Bobby hears something about injury, pops to his feet and begins to run to the coach, when he sees Wes Phillips eye him, clearly thinking, "I thought you were injured, Bobby...
Bobby then immediatly pulls up on his left leg, (hoping that it was his left leg he told the team was injured so he could go laser-light-show shopping during practice) and limps back to sit down. Another wasted opprotunity.

3:30 pm - This game is getting ugly quick. We have no buisness being close. And that's sad to say 6 minutes into the game. And on top of that, we don't need Bobby to help screw this game up for us. So much for intensity. This team looks like it just doesn't give a damn.

This is a team that wants to go home? Playoffs? Who cares, we're getting paid anyway. Where's a Jimmy Johnson when you need one. I've been a proponant of Wade since he was hired, but these last 2 weeks, I think I'm jumping on the "fire the bumpkin" bandwagon. This is pathetic.

3:33 pm - Now Bobby's in on the game. Using his iHelmet to communicate with Pacman as coach Phillips, he screams, "TAKE IT OUT! GO ALL THE WAY" Thankfully at least one cowboy has a head, and tells him to take the touchback. Question, do the Cowboys get a first down this drive? It seems we've been rather fond of 3 and out's recently.

3:45 pm - That's what you call a bad play call to end a long drive. Fg try for Folk is good. Bobby Carpenter may have stolen Jason Garrett's headset, and called F-16 Z Right Lazer. Which actually is supposed to be a 10 yard backward pass, used at the end of games in case you're playing teams like the Lions and you want to spot them 7 points. Drive stalled, game tied.

3:48 pm - In the field position battle, Dallas is losing. In the worthless player battle, Dallas is ahead by 4 or 5. Bobby counting for 3, claiming to be a Special teams, defensive, and offensive ace. As it turns out, he's just mostly offensive.

NOTE FROM THE WRITER: Congratulations to the NFL Franchise Detroit Lions, who know own their first NFL record.

3:54 pm - As a proud former Lion head coach, Marty Morhinweg, calls a long pass play to a running back, as an homage to what could have been.

3:58 pm - The downfall of the Cowboys is becoming official with every minute that ticks off the clock, and we all know who to blame. The entire set of defensive coaches glares at Bobby, as if to say, "If you had just panned out and played like a 1st round pick, we wouldn't be in the situation."

Bobby is too busy filling Zach Thomas' shoes with shaving cream to notice.

4:04 pm - This is slowly but surely turning into a game that I want to leave at halftime. The offense is awful, defense undisciplined, and special teams has been bad all year. The mental mistakes are absolutely incredible. It really is time for a firing.

4:08 pm -Bradie James shows up in a BIG way. Bobby has started to grow a playoff mustache, ala Andy Reid's playoff beard. Because it's Bobby, it probably will just end up in failure, or sitting on the bench after the game, crying, wishing Parcells were still the coach. For once, Bobby, a cowboys fan agrees with you.

4:13 pm - This gameplan is becoming redundant, as Romo apparently can no longer hit open receivers. He was playing much better with that splint. Since it's come off, he has been awful.

Maybe Bobby slicked the ball up with chicken grease, a stunt he first pulled in the 2006 playoffs, before a crucial FG to pull ahead of Seattle for the first playoff victory in, then, 10 years.

4:21 pm - It appears that this game was over before it ever even started. The Cowboys don't want it. The eagles do.

4:23 pm - 17-3. Ball game. Nobody cares but Terrell Owens. This team just got dominated, and there's 2 minutes left in the first half.

4:26 pm - After a very pretty return, Bobby wanders over to Jason Garrett and wonders aloud why pacman isn't on offense. Wesley Phillips is called on the red phone, and the Bobby-net is deployed. Filled with numerous iTunes giftcards, Bobby will be contained for the next 10 or so minutes buying frivolous apps for his iHelmet. Maybe he can find an NFL automatic Offensive Coordinator, because we need a new one.

4:31 pm - Choke. An absolute choke. Question, for anyone who knows. Has Romo completed a pass this december that traveled in the air more than 10 yards? I can't remember one.

4:33 pm - There's the discipline. Now, instead of a FG, we may be spotting the eagles a free 7 points. However, that may be a bad call. Either way. This team is having a bad case of Bobby Carpenter Flu.

4:40 pm - 24-3 at what amounts to halftime. This is the most depressed I've been since the 42-17 rout the Saints gave us in 2006. Both teams now have a bad case of "We're entitled, hand it to us" and the NFL saying, "No."

I apologize for the lack of Bobby, but in the spirit of the blog, I'm just following the total ineptitude of the entire Cowboys organization in December. Chalk it up to 9 straight season finale losses. It's almost enough to make one not want to be a fan. Here's to next year.

4:41 pm - Doug Fejer: "I hope he doesn't fumble"

Pacman: "Whoops."


I'm turning the game off.

See you next year.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Week 17 in the NFL

Alex and Chris pick the weekend's NFL games and offer insight on their differences.

Alex: Chicago is a bit too strong I think to lose to a Houston team, even if it is gaining confidence. Its identity is that of a loser, and they go out with a loss just to emphasize the point.
Chris: I pick Houston, mostly on hope instead of confidence. If I were Dallas, I would rather travel to indoor Minneapolis than to outdoor Chicago for a playoff game. Houston is average and generic enough to win this game and make everyone wonder why they didn't achieve more this season.

Alex: I really like the Vikes to win this one because Eli Manning dropped his eco-drive in the pool a couple of weeks ago, and last year the Vikings defense returned.....I believe 3 pick 6's against the jints. Minnesota may not be the stronger team, but I think they know how to beat the Giants.
Chris: I don't know if the Giants will rest their starters, but I believe on talent alone, the Giants are better than the Vikings. I don't even know if the Vikings have a sense of urgency—do they want to make the playoffs? I think the game looks more like this than that. The Giants win this one and take it easy/ get overconfident. Exactly how the Cowboys want them.

Alex: Two words. Brett Favre. For him not to make the playoffs would just give Mike McCarthy a "but Brett Farve didn't either." And we don't need that. He made a dumb decision, and he needs to pay for it.
Chris: I'm going with the hot. The Dolphins have won a tremendous 7 of their last 8 games, while the Jets have won a meager 6 of their last 8 games (and a pedestrian 7 of their last 10 games).

Alex: Denver, mostly because of how I feel about Norv Turner. Hey everyone, remember when the Cowboys were trying to pick between Norv and Wade? Wade was clearly the better choice, and even he might be on the verge of being fired. So, Denver wins the division, even though SD played their way back in. I really think Mike Shanahan is just dicking with them. This Denver offense is pretty strong, and while the defense is reminiscent of a Dave Campo team, I don't think there's a way they lose.
Chris: I pick SD because the Chargers get the advantage of playing at home, which we know means nothing. This division is atrocious. Maybe karma will pay them a visit—I hope Hochuli officiates the game. What a way to end the season!


Alex: I read an interesting article today by Peter King, and one of his short shots was giving Braylon Edwards the "Diamond in a heap of trash" Emmitt Smith memorial quote award for saying he saved the Browns from the bottom of the barrel last season. It is for that reason that I predict Roethlis-Beef Carpaccio. High class, raw, and of the utmost quality.
Chris: Roethlis-chicken soup. Against Cleveland, it doesn't have to be his best performance, and it's not pretending to be, either. Just what you need on a cold day.

Bobby-effect this week

Alex: It what could potentially be the last Barbiewatch of the season, some around the league are saying Bobby might actually get over his calf injury, get on the field, and have an 18 tackle day, to raise his trade status so he can play for the 2010 Super Bowl champion Water-Parcells. It is unsure if those around the league are predicting this based solely on the in-game simulation done by the PSP version of Madden 2007, when the game gave Bobby a rating of 85.
Chris: Wes Phillips, quality control, decides to have some fun and appoints Bobby Secretary of Defense. Bobby is in charge of acquiring, filling, and firing water balloons at unruly Philadelphia fans. He is in charge of protection at the airport, on the bus-ride into the stadium, during the game, and after the game (especially important because Philly fans will riot and be obnoxious regardless of outcome). These aren't your typical water balloons though. Since we'll be in Philadelphia, Bobby will modify Philly's weapon of choice (ziplock of urine hurled at out-of-towners ---> water balloons) and use it against them.

Other picks this week
Atlanta over St. Louis
Baltimore over Jacksonville
New England over Buffalo
Kansas City over Cincinnati
Green Bay over Detroit
Indianapolis over Tennessee
Carolina over New Orleans
Dallas over Philadelphia
Pittsburgh over Cleveland
Tampa Bay over Oakland
Arizona over Seattle
San Francisco over Washington *

*sports side-note: SF is growing mustaches to match their '80s throwback jerseys next week. Don't ever bet against that combo.

Overall records
Alex: 141-98-1
Chris: 148-91-1

Monday, December 22, 2008

Week 16 Postmortem

A look back at the week, our picks, and our blunders.


Winner: Chris

Alex: Well, I thought this was the week. They were competitive for the previous couple of weeks, getting closer to a victory..... It now seems destined for them to be 0-16, but being Detroit, they just may blow an NFL record and win next week.
Chris: Shame on the Detroit Lions for playing that kind of football. Shame on you for picking the Lions to do in Week 16 what they haven't done in 14 other weeks. Most of all, shame on Rob Parker for being a classless douche (and trying to rationalize his attempt at a joke).

Winner: Chris

Alex: This was Norv's gift to Jerry Jones for winning him 3 Super Bowls in the '90s, allowing Norv to continue to get head coaching jobs despite his obvious incompetence. Thank God the Kiffins and Loyalty don't mix.
Chris: The only thing trickier than coaching the Chargers is predicting which Chargers team will show up + calculating how much they play above bare minimum football. And thank you, Norv, for giving the Cowboys one more week of playoff potential.

Winner: Alex

Chris: Almost had the Broncos here, but hell, no one knows what they'll put on the field, either. How much longer does Shanahan have in Denver? The AFC West champ will have 9 or 8 wins. Likewise, the NFC West champ will have 9 or 8 wins. Something is wrong with that. With the exception of the Arizona Cardinals and Seattle Seahawks, there are too many traditionally good NFL West teams to be this crappy.
Alex: It's really starting to piss me off that 2 teams may make the playoffs at 8-8, and there may be numerous teams at 10-6 or 9-7 that are pushed out. Even if the Cowboys get in, the system needs to be rethought. Winning a division with St. Louis, Seattle, and San Fran is not a playoff worthy accomplishment.

Winner: Chris

Alex: It just figures. At least we don't have to worry about the Eagles playing for a playoff bid this upcoming week. But they will be playing spoiler to a Cowboys team that really just laid down on Saturday. This is becoming a confusing and disappointing season.
Chris: Why is the NFC East the SEC of the NFL? Rabid fanbases? History and tradition? Maybe, but also because everyone hates each other + any team can beat any other team. Thank God the Cardinals were moved to another division. Moochers.


Alex: Wow, I guess I didn't watch enough highlights, but going back, Roethlis had a very mediocre day, if not poor. It is for this reason I'm going for Roethlis-taco-pizza. It sounds like an interesting gastronomic creation, but in the end, Frankenstein's monster seemed like a good idea too.
Chris: If you were to tell me Roethlisberger would go 26/40 with 331 yards passing, I would agree with your prediction of Roethlis-baby back ribs. Unfortunately those numbers weren't enough, because he also threw 2 picks for 115 yards and a touchdown. To top it off, the Steelers also fumbled 5 times, losing 2 ... this is a case of Roethlis-turkey sandwich. Might be good enough normally, but you're the only kid in class who forgot today was pizza day.

Records this week (NOTE! Easily our worst week ever.)
Alex: 6-10
Chris: 8-8

Overall records

Alex: 141-98-1
Chris: 148-91-1

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Barbie Watch, Week 16

Every week, Chris and Alex track the statistics and antics of former first round pick Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. This week, he faces off against the Baltimore Ravens, with STILL best friend Tony Romo in tow. All locations Dallas unless stated otherwise.

7:15 pm - Cowboys return the opening kickoff. No signs of Bobby. Is he hiding in the catwalk? Biding his time?

7:19 pm - Romo throws a deep ball ... and it ends up intercepted, by Ed Reed. I blame a certain someone standing in the rafters. I think Bobby was setting up decorations for tonight's post-game party and the laser-light head deflected the ball.

7:22 pm - DeMarcus Ware sacks Joe Flacco and Greg Ellis recovers the fumble inside the Baltimore 5. By this point the confetti guns, laser-light heads, and balloons are ready for the post-game Last Game @ Texas Stadium Party. Why Carpenter was in charge of decorations, I have no idea.

7:28 pm - After the extra point, Dallas goes up 7-0. Bobby begins strategically placing banners around the stadium. Some favorites: Carpenter's Crew, Bobby's Bunch, and Karli's Angel.

7:37 pm - Keith Davis and his unusual facemask is called for pass interference. The Cowboys are fired up though. Tonight Bobby selected the pregame pump-up music. "The quality control job will be mine before the end of the year, damn it," Bobby thinks to himself. Somewhere, Wes Phillips is nervous. Okay, he's nervous in the pressbox.

7:45 pm - Bobby puts on his white Romo jersey (they're BFF) and begins walking through the crowd to sign autographs and take some Myspace pics with babes. Unfortunately most people can identify Tony Romo, and not many people know Carpenter's face. And even more people don't believe Bobby when he swears he's an NFL player.

7:59 pm - Bobby is escorted out of the stands by an usher who doesn't believe Carpenter is a real NFL player. An unhappy Wes Phillips, quality control, bails out Carpenter.

8:10 pm - I've never seen a hit on the quarterback as fast as Burnett just hit Flacco.

8:32 pm - Bobby spent the last 20 minutes perfecting the second half music mix. It's fed directly into the defensive Green Dot helmet. Expect some more K104 and 97.9 hits. And maybe, just maybe, some electro.

8:45 pm - Baltimore goes into halftime up 9-7. Unfortunately Bobby's attempt to shine a laser pointer from the catwalk directly into the eyes of the Raven kicker falls short. Something to do with angles ... but if he can't be a threat from the catwalk, or beneath the field, can Bobby pull the ULTIMATE SURPRISE by bringing the Phantom of the Opera to Texas Stadium? Sigh.

8:58 pm - Bobby makes some calls to his professors at Ohio State and finds the optimal angle for shining laser lights into eyes: straight ahead. The wheels are in motion for the first hidden helmet-mounted laser pointer.

9:01 pm - For those wondering at home, Deion is wearing a scarf indoors. He's also doing his classic "speak normally then talk really slow and whisper" move.

9:04 pm - Dallas' defense holds the Ravens and forces a punt on the opening drive in the second half. Victory goes directly to Bobby, who gives some partial credit to the drive's theme, Lil Wayne.

9:06 pm - Bobby accidentally pumps the NWA remix into Romo's helmet, and the confusion leads to an incomplete pass to TO. Obviously, the play was designed to throw to Witten.

9:12 pm - Flacco runs for the first down and absolutely no one is near him. "We done told you not to play any of that gay computer music, Barbie!" Canty yells to the sidelines. Bobby sighs and realizes the Cowboys in Week 16 are not yet ready for electronic dance music.

9:13 pm - Bobby immediately switches over to the Sasha Fierce playlist and the Dallas defense forces a Baltimore punt. Still a dance remix, but it's Beyoncé, so the troops are happy.

9:28 pm - It's just not Dallas' drive here, as Baltimore gets lucky time after time and takes it to the endzone. Baltimore leads 16-7. And an irrational Greg Ellis deletes every Beyoncé song off Bobby's computer (Zach Thomas distracted him with an offer of friendship).

9:28:30 pm - Bobby realizes Beyoncé was deleted and immediately wishes he backed up his computer. You try and you try, but no one appreciates it. Fine. Time for a live feed from K104.

9:38 pm - Zach walks over and apologizes for distracting Bobby with a fake friendship offer. Bobby says the best apology would be a true friendship offer. Zach says he'll think about it. Bobby tells Zach to take his time—just let him know next time Texas Tech make a BCS bowl. Gauntlet dropped.

9:52 pm - PS, just in case you were wondering, Bobby's plan to emerge from beneath the star at midfield during the 2-minute warning was quashed. Thank Wes Phillips, quality control, for that one. Apparently you're not "allowed" to be down there without "proper clearance" or "permission." You're also not allowed to cut through the turf and install a hydraulic lift EVEN THOUGH THE STADIUM IS CLOSING FOREVER. Fun killer.

10:00 pm - You're also not allowed to swing down from the catwalk Tarzan style. It's like Wes Phillips' only job is to follow Bobby around and prevent any fun.

10:05 pm - Romo completes secret play #1 to Witten for some big yardage. He brings the Cowboys inside the Ravens' 10 with secret play #2 to Crayton. Secret play #3 to TO gives the Cowboys a touchdown. Cowboys down by 2. Could this be a comeback?

10:10 pm - Never mind, Willis McGahee runs 77 yards untouched for a touchdown. Must be glad to be away from all those Buffalo Applebees.

10:13 pm - Bobby's just not having any fun tonight. First off, he busted his tail setting up decorations. Second, he was kicked out of the crowd after trying to find a date for tonight's post-game party. Third, no Phantom of Texas Stadium or swinging Tarzan (thank you very much, Wes Phillips, quality control). And on top of this, the Cowboys are losing? No fun. Oh, and his UT teammates don't appreciate pre-Fiesta Bowl trash talk during the game.

10:24 pm - Another secret play from Romo to Witten gives Dallas the touchdown. Cowboys are down by 2 with 1:36 to go in the game. Bobby thinks about going to the post-game party after all ... COMEBACK?

10:28 pm - No, never mind again. Some guy named McClain ran 82 yards, relatively untouched, for the score. Ravens up by 9 again. Bobby thinks he'll skip the party after all.

10:32 pm - THERE IT IS! Flozell Adams false starts to let his girl back home know he loves her. It's a little shout out.

10:40 pm - Dallas loses 33-24 and probably loses their ticket to the playoffs. Bobby decides to stick around for the party, but only if Witten and Romo are going. Goodbye, Texas Stadium.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Week 16 in the NFL

Alex and Chris pick the weekend's NFL games and offer insight on their differences.

Alex: The Saints have become just simply too dissapointing for me, and with the Lions on the verge of an NFL record 0-16 overfeated season, knowing the Lions like they do, they'll win this game and screw that up, too.
Chris: I'm taking the Saints to rebound from a disappointing week and release their frustrations on a Detroit team that shows no signs of improvement.

Alex: Tampa Bay is too strong to lose against a weak Chargers team, even though I'm picking the Broncos to lose this week, which, if the chargers won, would allow for a Chargers-Broncos week 17 matchup for the division lead, and the bragging rights of an 8-8 season. Too bad I don't think highly enough of the chargers to pull it off. It's just been one of those seasons.
Chris: Tampa loves to make me look like a fool, but I'll take the Chargers to exhibit slightly more than bare-minimum football this week.

Alex: I would LOVE for the Chargers to prove me wrong, and the Bills to prove me right. The AFC West should come down to one game, and, top to bottom, I believe the Chargers are a better team, but with a bad coach and worse team identity than the Cowboys had 5 weeks ago. It would be an interesting week 17 for sure.
Chris: The Steelers and Colts are the most consistent teams in the AFC. Everyone else plays at varying degrees of meh. I'll give the advantage to Denver only because they're at home.

Alex: The Eagles are peaking, and the 'Skins are slumping. This is a fairly easy pick. But, thenagain, it is the NFC East. Anything can happen. Who knows? Maybe an Eagle on special teams follows in the footsteps of DeSean Jackson and Asante Samuel and drops the ball at the 1 yard line celebrating. It's amazing how neither time it's cost the team. The Ghost of Leon Lett is coming for them.
Chris: My Redskins pick is based more on hope than anything solid. Why in the world would the Eagles lose to the Redskins, a team experiencing their annual second-half crash? Maybe Clinton Portis wears drag this week. Maybe Andy Reid's son kidnaps Donovan. Who knows? Stranger things have happened (stranger than the Eagles losing, not coaches' sons kidnapping NFL QBs).


Alex: With Albert Hayesworth down, I'm almost thinking Roethlis-Babyback ribs, for some reason, I think Tennesee's defense will be exploited. Other than the Colts, has Tenn played anyone of merit this year?
Chris: Roethlis-bagged turkey sandwich Mom made for school lunch but fell on the floor and was kicked a few times. I use those words to describe it because he'll be roughed up and knocked around against Tennessee, but somehow in the end, he'll manage to show up.

Bobby-effect this week

Alex: As Chris will point out, Bobby has an injured calf, I believe. In homage to his injured calf muscle, rumors are circulated that he will bring a young calf onto the field to help stop the Raven's Yamon Figurs on kick returns. This pleases Roy Williams, a tu graduate, but angers Martellus Bennett, an A&M grad. Competition begins as to who can catch the most touchdowns. It remains to see who will win the competition, but the Cowboys will reap the benefits.
Chris: Carpenter is injured (as far as I know), so he won't be a direct factor. Expect him to get in Ray Lewis' face a few times and do the WWF suck-it gesture that was big in junior high. And by in Ray's face, I mean from a life-saving distance of 100 feet. And possibly when Lewis is not looking.

Other picks this week
Indianapolis over Jacksonville
Dallas over Baltimore
Cleveland over Cincinnati
New England over Arizona
Pittsburgh over Tennessee
San Francisco over St. Louis
Miami over Kansas City
New York Jets over Seattle
Houston over Oakland
Minnesota over Atlanta
Carolina over New York Giants
Chicago over Green Bay

Overall records
Alex: 135-88-1
Chris: 140-83-1

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Week 15 Postmortem

A look back at the week, our picks, and our blunders.

Winner: Chris

Alex: The Kim Kardashian Kurse is in full force. I'm just glad we don't talk about Jessica Simpson anymore.
Chris: The Saints fall victim to their yo-yo tendencies.

Winner: Alex

Alex: The Chargers barely pulled out a game they should have completely walked away with. This team is just about as discernable as Norv Turner's facial scars. No one knows where they came from, who they are, and for some reason, they always tend to suprise you, even though you know they're there.
Chris: Of course, San Diego feels up to the challenge this week and pulls out a last-minute win.

Winner: Alex

Alex: Why is no one talking about the Madden Curse with this team? Yes, it was Brett Favre on the cover, but, he was in a Packers uniform, and for 17 years, he was the embodiment of the Franchise, it is therefore my opinion that the curse affected the team and not the person.
Chris: The Packers can't close games + they realize how much a difference Favre makes.

Winner: Chris

Alex: Denver is not a great team, but could win the division with 8 games. Carolina is too strong with the run, but I think Carolina is a team of false greatness. I don't know that they've really played any teams with merit. In any case, you have a great running team, playing a poor poor defense, you're probably going to win the game.
Chris: Denver is shaky + Carolina can run and has confidence.

Winner: Alex

Alex: The Cardinals are finally remembering that they are The Cardinals. And the Vikings are remembering that they have Adrian Peterson. Things are returning to normal in the NFL.
Chris: I thought the Cardinals could pull one out at home. Instead they forgot to show up.

Records this week
Alex: 11-5
Chris: 10-6

Overall records

Alex: 135-88-1
Chris: 140-83-1

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Barbie Watch, Week 15

Every week, Chris and Alex track the statistics and antics of former first round pick Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. This week, he faces off against the New York Football Giants, with his best friend Tony Romo. All locations Dallas unless stated otherwise.

7:26 pm - With the game officially started, Bobby was seen running out onto the field in pregame with the ESPN article in his hand proclaiming him and Romo as best friends, running right behind Zach Thomas, gloating. This is going to be a tumultuous game indeed.

7:28 pm - Cowboys go three and out. First pass? Witten. TO wasn't happy. So then Romo threw it to TO. And he didn't make the catch. Cue the boos. Meanwhile, Carpenter runs onto the field for punt squad, thinking they're really saying... well never mind, nothing in his name resembles boo.

7:32 pm - Bobby is seeing the most action out of any game this week, with both teams starting with a three and out. He's riding that high of having his first best friend ever.

7:34 pm - Bobby asks his best friend Romo if he wants any Gatorade before going into the game, just to make sure his thirst is quenched, or that he obeys his thirst, or something. Romo says sure, but races out to the field before Bobby notices.

7:35 pm - After pouring some Gatorade into a cup for BFF Romo, Carpenter notices a trace of mustache hair in the drink. And that's not acceptable. Not by anyone's standards. Our Nancy Drew walks over to the Gatorade cooler, lifts the lid, and finds ESPN reporter Ed Werder inside, at work on his next story about how the Cowboys are self-destructing.

7:37 pm - Dallas is forced to punt again. Fortunately, they benefit from a 'running into the kicker' penalty—what NBC doesn't tell you is that the errant Giant slipped on a puddle of Gatorade in front of Paulescu ... and we know whose trademark Gatorade is. Next time use more Gatorade, Bobby, and draw a roughing call. We need the ball on offense.

7:49 pm - Zach DeOssie fouls up by moving early, rumor has it Bobby was beginning to sing the "We're a Happy Family" song from Barney, causing Zach to have a sort of childhood flashback to his former Giant father, Steve DeOssie, also a LB. Unfortunatly, Steve was a player under the Parcells regime, and was trained to hit anything that sang. No word on whether Bobby knew that, or is still happy about the Romo-friendship.

7:55 pm - Flozell false starts as a shout out to his girl back home.

8:01 pm - Apparently false starts are catching on with the team, with almost everyone on the offensive line shouting out to their girls back home. Bobby Carpenter was not seen on punt coverage, but rather, holding the ESPN article in one hand, Ed Werder in the other, and campaigning to Hudson Houck, the Offensive Line coach, to replace Cory Protor, arguing, "who better to protect Romo than his BEST FRIEND, hmm???"

8:08 pm - Bobby is again unseen on the punt return team, and this writer is becoming unsure whether or not he has actually even been on the field tonight. It is assumed that him and Witten are having a conversation on the sideline about switching roommates for road games, seeing as how Romo and Bobby are, after all, best friends.

Writer's note: rogue film crews were spotted around the stadium focused directly on Terrell Owens. No official word yet, but it is suspected that the Fox film crew bought tickets to the game. Joe Buck was spotted at the Dallas airport this late afternoon, saying he was attending "a very important wedding"

8:18 pm - After the touchdown, Bobby was seen waiting with heating pad, ice, and an impromptu laser show by the practice squad for Romo, his BEST FRIEND. Romo shrugs it off, points to Zach, who then looks at Bobby, begins to drool, and the practice squad whisks itself away. Bradie James brings out his flute and plays the theme from The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. Guarenteed the Ugly was going to show up there. Bobby was not seen on the kickoff coverage.

8:31 pm - This writer is beginning to become concerned with Bobby Carpenter's lack of play. He wasn't in on his bread and butter FG block there. Questions are beginning to swirl about the catastrophic "Best Friend" distraction, and whether or not it is actually good for the team.

8:34 pm - Bobby was not in on kicks. We're scouring the sidelines. We will let you know about his whereabouts as soon as he reappears.

8:38 pm - Team officials are now searching for Bobby. Word in the stadium is he is buying every pro-shop out of Romo Jersey's, and buying nice pink one for himself. Jessica who?

8:47 pm - With the 2 minute warning now past, Bobby walks back onto the field, churro in hand, and his credit card for his new ebay page, BESTROMOFRIEND54, and 2 injury-carts full of Romo jersey's. The Christmas rush goes through Bobby, and all the proceeds go towards couples counseling with Romo and TO.

9:05 pm - Back into the second half, and Bobby's new business is going strong, and making Jerry ask for some Bonus money back.

9:15 pm - 3 and out on the first drive, and Bobby is found searching for that new song on all the iPhone commercials for his iHelmet, to prove he got it direct from Steve Jobs. They're best friends too, you know.

9:24 pm - Dallas' defense shows up in a big way and goes to town on Eli. Bobby credits this to science: he swapped out the Green Dot helmet on defense with his iHelmet and piped in his 97.9 playlist. Did you know Bobby DJs homecomings, proms, Bar/Bat Mitzvahs, graduation parties, and reunions? Oh, and motocross rallies.

9:31 pm - Bobby, finally realizing that the game has been going on for almost 2 hours now, wonders why he hasn't played yet, and when exactly he is going to be invited by to Ohio State to dot the i.

9:35 pm - Another great defensive series. Another success for science. This time Bobby gave them his soul/MoTown playlist. Carpenter is in street clothes now, and since he won't get in, it's time to wear the jersey and blue jeans like high school.

9:37 pm - Quality Control GURU Wes Phillips tells Bobby to put on some issue gear and take off that jersey. "It's not high school," Wes barked.

9:47 pm - With Bobby now out for the game, churro sales have skyrocketed. The sidelines now suddenly smell like cinnamon.

9:55 pm - Knowing Chris Snee is the son-in-law of Giants' head coach Tom Coughlin, Bobby has rigged a makeshift microphone and is communicating via iHelmet to the defensive line. He's arming them with quotes to throw at Snee from 1993 Oscar-quality Pauly Shore film, Son-in-Law. No one seems to pick up on his elevated sense of humor. Chris Canty tries to make it up to Bobby by misquoting Encino Man.

10:03 pm - Bobby convinces Cory Proctor to not get up on the snap, creating a safety on Romo. It's effect is two-fold. Bobby is one step closer to suiting back up and playing at left guard, and it allows Bobby to hack into the NBC interface and play "Safety Dance," his favorite song of all time, for the entire nation to hear.

10:08 pm - The Giants run down the field and chip away at the Dallas lead with a field goal, cutting the lead to 14-8, Dallas. Some outspoken Dallas defensemen blame it on the "gay computer music" Bobby included on his electro playlist. Now is probably not the best time for his Beyoncé remixes.

10:20 pm - Tashard Choice sprints through the defense and scores on a huge run, putting the Cowboys ahead 20-8 with 2:16 left. In an effort to prove he loves Tashard, Bobby registers as a Democrat so he can truly say he's pro-Choice.

And that's the game, folks. Thanks for reading tonight. Dallas wins, 20-8. Suck it, media. Post-game laser show set to Beyoncé remixes in the parking lot, courtesy Bobby Carpenter.

Finals Season

Normally we would post our Week in Review and Week Preview, but with tests and exams, we'll abbreviate both.

Record in Week 14
Alex: 10-6
Chris: 8-8

Record through Week 14
Alex: 124-83-1
Chris: 130-77-1

WEEK 15 differences

New Orleans at Chicago
Alex: New Orleans
Chris: Chicago

Green Bay at Jacksonville
Alex: Jacksonville
Chris: Green Bay

San Diego at Kansas City
Alex: San Diego
Chris: Kansas City

Minnesota at Arizona
Alex: Minnesota
Chris: Arizona

Denver at Carolina
Alex: Denver
Chris: Carolina

Note of interest: in 4 of our 5 differences, Alex picked the road team and Chris picked the home team.

Remaining Week 15 picks

Tampa Bay over Atlanta
Washington over Cincinnati
Tennessee over Houston
Miami over San Francisco
Seattle over St. Louis
New York Jets over Buffalo
Indianapolis over Detroit
Pittsburgh over Baltimore
New England over Oakland
Dallas over New York Giants
Philadelphia over Cleveland

Friday, December 12, 2008


Due to the chaos and rioting taking place within the Cowboys organization at Valley Ranch, as well as final exams and GMATs, our posts have been delayed. We'll be back shortly.

Meanwhile, let it be known that Bobby Carpenter is Tony Romo's best friend. Finally, sweet justice.

"That's so far from the truth. You think Tony is throwing to (Witten) because that's his buddy? His best buddy is Bobby Carpenter, and that's not helping him too much. It's crazy to think that, and I hate that he acts that way.''
Disregard the whole "that's not helping him too much" business. You take your wins where you can, and announcing to the media that Bobby and Romo are best friends is like listing your relationship on Facebook—now it's official.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Barbie Watch, Week 14

Every week, we document the appearance-by-appearance career of first round Bobby Carpenter. Today our focus heads to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania (have you heard? Blue-collar city). The game is set to kick-off at 3:15 pm, CT—will it be lasers or Gatorade this week, Robert?

All locations Pittsburgh unless stated otherwise.

SPOTTED, Pittsburgh International Airport, 11:03 am - NFL player with hair in a bun, rocking out to an iPhone blaring Coldplay for everyone around him to hear. He just bought a Gossip Girl book in the airport bookstore. I only assume he's in the NFL because he's wearing every imaginable piece of issue gear. Trying to make a statement, or just adapting to the cold weather? It's not 22ºF inside the airport.
You know you love me.

3:27 pm - Bobby makes his first appearance in the game, simulating the wind by blowing as hard as he can at the ball. To his suprise it works, FG wide right. Expect Bobby to do that on every kick from now on, claiming he has a newfound superpower, the control of weather. Like that hottie Storm, from X-men.

Roethlis-rating on the last series - I'd put it at Roethlis-Shredded Beef Taco. Didn't have many completions, and was under pressure, though never sacked. More to come.

3:39 pm - Special teams means facetime for Bobby. Knowing this, and presented with a 4th-and-short, the Dallas coaches decide to skip the field goal— they're going for it, damnit. A frustrated Bobby sulks on the bench, but enjoys some more Coldplay on his iHelmet.

Roethlis-rating, 3:45 pm - Roethlis- taco. Not Soft Taco. No supreme sauce. Just... taco. No frills. Just the crunchy shell and some meat and lettuce.

3:45 pm - Pittsburgh punts and Pacman bobbles the return. He's looking especially out of it today. The thumping bass from Bobby's iHelmet might be throwing Pac off. The cold weather brings Pac down to earth, though: it's Heinz Field, not Cabaret Royale.

Roethlis-rating, 3:56 pm - Roethlis- wet bologna. Eventual fumble by Heath Miller. We're sinking beneath quality lunch meats now.

3:57 pm - The Dallas D, following suit of the defensive coach, forces that fumble to keep Bobby off the field even more. "I don't even care, like, whatever. Hmph," says Bobby to a gloating Zach Thomas. Bobby takes out a drawing pad and starts to design a helmet mounted laser, with Zach-seeking technology, then laughs to himself, evilly.

4:05 pm - Dallas' offense is presented with another 4th-and-short. Punt? No, Bobby gets on the field. Field goal? No, Bobby gets on the field. So we'll go for it. And it looks terrible. But if the goal is to keep Bobby off the field... well, mission accomplished. Meanwhile Bobby, ever the renaissance man, continues to sketch.

Roethlis-rating, 4:07 pm - I think we've dropped to Roethlis-mystery meat. You don't want it, don't need it, tastes awful, but if mom didn't pack you lunch you have to take it or starve.

4:11 pm - Fox cuts to a sign reading : DANGER/ Hot/ Keep back 4 feet. Only minutes earlier, an isolated Bobby wondered why absolutely no one was anywhere near him. That is, until he stood up and noticed that sign duct-taped to his jersey. Zach and the wide receivers crack up.

Roethlis-rating, 4:22 pm - Roethlis-greasetin. Apparently Noboby likes the extra grease that comes off of the fatty burgers. Except Roeth. He puts them on his hands.

4:24 pm - You can only go for it on 4th so much before people realize you're actually trying to keep Bobby off the field. Bobby races down the field on the punt, golden mane billowing in the wind, and the ball is downed at the Pitt 6. "That's what I'm talking about," yells Bobby to his Midwesterners. Somewhere.

Roethlis-rating, 4:32 pm - Roethlis- bad Chinese food. I know, you're thinking it might be good this time, but it's bad. And then Pitt punts and recovers the ball. And Roethlisberger is just as bad the second time around.

Roethlis-rating, 4:39 pm - Roethlis-leftover meatballs. Not sure what's in the balls. Doesn't taste good. And it's leftovers. Nothing good about it.

In other news, Dallas loves to give away points.

4:50 pm - Dallas ties the game at 3 as time expires. Halftime. Dallas also learns why it's good to hang onto timeouts.

Roethlis-rating, 5:07 pm - Roethlis-sacked lunch. 'nuff said.

5:17 pm - The Cowboys drive for a touchdown, Romo to Owens, and go up 10-3. Bobby races down the field on the kickoff, but doesn't make the tackle. Truth be told, he's a little off right now. Apparently no one else thought it would be funny/cute if Bobby tried to feed TO birthday cake and intentionally missed, wedding style, smearing TO's cheek with icing. Did you know today was TO's birthday?

Roethlis-rating, 5:24 pm - Roethlis-doublesacked lunch, for the hungry blue collar guy.

Also, Bobby was seen running down the field with what appears to be a gooey football smeared over the 54 on his back. Zach was planning to light candles on it, but the wind blew them out before Bobby got on the field.

Roethlis-rating, 5:52 pm - Roethlis-vegetarian burger patty with but one pepperoni slice. I'm starting to doubt the amount of meat inside it. Pittsburgh benefits from penalties and amazing field position, but go 4-and-out inside the Dallas 2.

5:57 pm - Zach Thomas was injured on the last drive, but Kevin Burnett, who is close with Defensive Coordinator Bryan Stewart, is quick on the jump and doesn't allow Bobby in the game. Bobby sulks, turns on his iHelmet and blasts a little Michelle Branch.


6:03 pm - Okay, that's good Bobby, we're pulling you out for Bradie, he's fine now.

6:03:30 pm - Bobby runs back to the sideline and sees a crowd around a bench... what's going on? Apparently Bobby's iPhone went off while he was in the game. And he forgot to turn silent mode on. So now everyone knows Bobby's ringtone is "Womanizer." Bobby tries to play it cool, denying it's his phone.

6:04 pm - Wes Phillips, in charge of quality control, calls Bobby's cell from upstairs, in the booth. Wes waves, Bobby cringes. This is worse than being a teenager, Bobby thinks to himself. Bobby picks up his iPhone and saunters over to the DANGER/HOT sign, and asks Orlando Scandrick if he'll take Bobby's new Myspace photo. Scandrick obliges.

Roethlis-ratings, 6:15 pm - Roethlis- hot dog. Benji leads the team down the field to a touchdown. Where was this the whole game? Who is this? What kind of meat is this? No one knows.

6:34 pm - And that's the ballgame. Pittsburgh's O plays good enough not to lose, and defense carries them the rest of the way. Pitt wins 20-13, Roethlisberger plays average, and Bobby has a bittersweet Sunday roughing it with the guys today.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Week 14 in the NFL

Alex and Chris pick the weekend's NFL games and offer insight on their differences.

Alex: Ok, our first difference. You have Philly, I have NYG. I just wish I could believe that Plaxico is that big a problem for them.

Chris: Probably a poor pick on my part, taking handicapped Philly on the road, IN New Jersey, but stranger things have happened. Upset.

Alex: I know. And it'd be real nice for us. Who knows? Maybe a bunch of Philly fans show up with crutches in Plaxico jerseys.

Chris: Or Harris Smith jerseys.

Alex: Let's move on to Cle-Ten. You picked Cle.

Chris: Again, taking chances.

Alex: You realize that Brady and Derek are out for the year?

Chris: Yeah.

Alex: Their QB is Ken Dorsey. Let me say that again: their QB is Ken Dorsey.

Chris: Did a certain 40-year old QB beat a division-leading team this year? Singlehandedly? I think so.

Alex: Singlehandedly? Might be a stretch. But I wouldn't be suprised if we finally get our Vinny sighting in the upcoming weeks.

Chris: Sure, Brad Johnson had some help, but it's not his fault his defense is great.

Alex: Haha.

Alex: Ok, next. You have faith in Buffalo over Miami?

Chris: I think Buffalo could spring back, they've been consistently inconsistent. Plus I don't know if the wildcat works in Toronto.

Alex: Haha. I hear this week they're only having 3 downs. And moving the goalposts up to the front of the end zone. That's just what I hear, though.

Alex: Final difference this week, you have KC over Denver?

Chris: Again, two inconsistent teams. Who knows which Denver will show up?

Alex: I just think KC is too bad against this Denver O.

Chris: Is it still a rivalry? It was fun in the late '90s.

Alex: I don't think so much anymore. I mean, it's division. So there's something there. I don't think it's as intense though.

Chris: That's too bad.

Alex: Ok, big finale. Both of these come in the same game. We're lucky this week. First, Roethlis-rating?

Chris: Roethlis-chicken breast: no legs.

Alex: Hahaha. Roethlis-sack lunch meat. I think it's pretty obvious where I'm going with that. DeMarcus is hungry.

Chris: Haha. I think our defense will be just fine against their O.

Alex: Oh, yessir. Bobby-effect this week?

Chris: Misses tackles because he's been surfing the net from his iPhone instead of paying attention during meetings.

Alex: What is he searching? "How To: Form Tackle, with Joe Theisman and LT, with special guest, Shawne Merriman"

Chris: That or Googling his name to see what kind of fan blogs are out there.

Other picks this week
Oakland over San Diego
Chicago over Jacksonville
Minnesota over Detroit
Indianapolis over Cincinnati
New Orleans over Atlanta
Green Bay over Houston
New York Jets over San Francisco
New England over Seattle
Arizona over St. Louis
Dallas over Pittsburgh
Baltimore over Washington
Tampa Bay over Carolina

Overall records
Alex: 114-77-1
Chris: 122-69-1

JaMarcus Bust Watch, Thursday Night Football

We're back, and to celebrate our glorious return, we give you a Thursday Night Football special edition JaMarcus Bust Watch. All places San Diego.

7:04 pm - Let it be known that lists JaMarcus at a svelte 260 lbs. Something tells me that's a few big macs too light. If anyone has seen dear JaMarcus tonight, it's clear he might be pushing 300. Maybe those reports last offseason weren't so inaccurate afterall.

7:10 pm - Never. Ever. Ever. Should a high school accapella group be allowed to sing the national anthem on television. This is intolerable. Though, the fat asian chick is front is making JaMarcus salivate for his favorite pregame snack, Orange Chicken from Panda Express.

7:14 pm - A question for the readers: Who weighs more, JaMarcus or Sebastian Janikowski?

7:20 pm - The answer, though suprisingly VERY close, is JaMarcus. He is listed at 260, with Sebastian listed at a healthy 250. I wonder if it drives Tom Cable crazy to know that 2 of his heavier players are unable to throw that weight around on a line somewhere.

7:23 pm - Al Davis is seen giggling with a new laser pointer he received in an envelope, with the return adress only reading "THE Ohio State University"

7:26 pm - Al is already putting that laser pointer to good use. Playing a game with himself to see if he could always keep the laser on the ball, Al's shaky hands cause the pointer to go directly into JaMarcus' eyes, causing him to lose his receiver and fumble the football. San Diego ball. Evil Laughs are heard eminated from somewhere near Dallas...

7:28 pm - JaMarcus goes back to face his coaches. "What happened, JaMarcus?" "I lost sight of the pocket, and dropped the football." "Look, you just can't drop the football. Pretend it's a big turkey leg. And your little cousin wants it. Don't let it go."

"Ok, Coach, but these footballs don't taste much like turkey...."

7:31 pm - Another question, readers. How many of the 11 defensive starters for the Chargers weigh more than JaMarcus Russell?

7:37 pm - The Raider's second drive stalls, but not before getting one of those coveted first downs. Game Summary: First Downs - 1, Completed passes -2, Hunger Level - 7 out of 10. JaMarcus is seen glaring at Head Coach Tom Cable. Sources are reporting he's imagining Tom as a large T-bone steak.

7:40 pm - Two straight false starts by the Chargers, and it seems Al Davis has found a new use for his laser pointer. When shone in the face of big men, they move. Sources are unsure as to whether Al Davis has put two and two together to find that it could actually benefit his team.

7:49 pm - To answer the previous question, right now the total is 4 defensive starters for the Chargers are heavier than JaMarcus, with Linebacker Shaun Phillips outweighing him by a mere 2 pounds.

7:54 pm - Al Davis has fallen asleep for his first of many naps during the game. It is expected that the rest of America will soon follow with the Chargers running away with this one.

8:01 pm - With that last pass, I'm seriously wondering if JaMarcus had a good coach, or even coaching stability, if he couldn't be a star. That last throw was amazing. Too bad he's doomed to such a bad organization. Also, that he's doomed to follow the Hefty Lefty in a rather short line of largely overweight Qbs.

8:03 pm - Of course, the second I start to praise him, JaMarcus puts me back in my place, throwing an awful interception to San Diego. Word is, the team caterers made a mistake, and brought the Capri Sun and Oreos for after the game a bit too early. JaMarcus got hungry.

8:18 pm - This game is getting old quick. And the ineptitude of the Raiders organization as a whole is appalling. From a 1st and 10 easily in FG range, they get themselves into a 2nd and 35 situation. Like I said, this game is getting old, and I'm gonna have to take it out, old yeller style. This watch is over. I can't continue watching this game, even if it's for humor's sake.

Goodnight everyone.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

We're back!

You'll excuse our absence—we were away for the holiday.

A quick look at our picks from week 13...

Tennessee vs Detroit: Chris, Alex
Seattle vs Dallas: Chris, Alex
Arizona vs Philadelphia: X
San Francisco vs Buffalo: X
Baltimore vs Cincinnati: Chris, Alex
New Orleans vs Tampa Bay: Alex
New York Giants vs Washington: Chris, Alex
Miami vs St. Louis: Chris, Alex
Indianapolis vs Cleveland: Chris, Alex
Carolina vs Green Bay: Chris
Atlanta vs San Diego: Chris, Alex
Denver vs New York Jets: X
Pittsburgh vs New England: Chris
Kansas City vs Oakland: Alex
Chicago vs Minnesota: Chris, Alex
Jacksonville vs Houston: Chris

Record this week
Alex: 10-6
Chris: 11-5

Alex: 114-77-1
Chris: 122-69-1

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Week 12 Postmortem

Ordinarily, we would go into more detail on the past week, but because of the holiday season (re: food), we're going to keep it simple.

Head to head

Correct picks, Alex

Correct picks, Chris

Records this week
Alex: 8-8
Chris: 10-6

Overall records

Alex: 104-71-1
Chris: 111-64-1

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Barbie Watch, Week 12

Every week, Alex and Chris (out of town today) bring you the sideline antics of America's favorite draft bust, Bobby Carpenter. This week, the watch begins roughly at 12:00 CST. All locations Dallas unless otherwise stated.

11:40 am - The Cowboys are wearing throwback unis today in honor of the classic holiday season. Bobby came out in his Blues from last week. After running out of the tunnel and realizing he was in the wrong uniform, he noticed a certain other white LB chuckling to himself. "It's gonna be a good day," Bobby thinks to himself, as he schemes his way back into the locker room to change.

12:08 pm - Bobby was in on the FG block team, after rushing in 10 minutes late because of a uniform mishap. Zach Thomas is noticed, still giggling.

12:15 pm - A bad punt by Sam "Bam" Paulescu. Bobby, noticing that A) he should have been on the field, B) Zach was watching him pour ice-cold water into his helmet, and C) he could've kicked the ball better than Sam, quickly seized his opportunity to talk to Special Teams coach Bruce Reed and audition for 3rd-string punter.

12:26 pm - Bobby in again on FG block. He moped on to the field after his laser-- pointed in the eyes of Anthony Henry-- drew a clear pass interference penalty. Unfortunately Zach, who found Bobby's keyring of devices (entirely laser pointers), shined them all into the eyes of the referees. TD denied.

12:34 pm - Bobby Carpenter in on the tackle on special teams. As a juvenile joke, he's been drinking Gatorade as much as possible, so he can pee on the next guy he tackles.
No information on whether Zach is planning to punch him in the gut or not.

12:39 pm -Bobby in again on the FG block. Stood there, unable to move with a full bladder.

12:49 pm - When Zach finally figured out why Bobby was limping along the sideline, he duct-taped him to the bench. Bobby was recently spotted by Pam Oliver, soaked in his own tears and urine. The coaches ignore Bobby, citing this as "a common occurance"

12:54 pm - With that blocked punt by Carlos Polk, the entire team turns to Bobby, who, still duct taped to the bench says, "What? *sniff sniff* I coulda done that with my eyes closed"

Zach, who now feels bad, unties him. Then gives him a manly punch-to-the-gut. Just to let Bobby know it isn't over.

1:02 pm - Bobby, I believe, was in on that last punt formation. It's hard to tell, as he was swatting at something in the air, with his eyes closed. Chances are the rest of the defense was let in on the laser keyring.

1:12 pm - It's clear that, on that last kickoff, Bobby switched jerseys with Nick Folk, as the kickoff goes out of bounds at the 20. Let it be noted that Bobby is forcing himself into tryouts for other positions now.

1:19 pm - With the exception of Terrell Owens, the offense is anemic. This blogger has to wonder what is going on, as Bobby can't trade jerseys with everyone.

1:23 pm - Zach Thomas returns a fumble for a touchdown, but is incorrectly ruled down by contact by a phantom whistle. That phantom was Bobby. Zach is not happy. Stay tuned.

1:28 pm - I'm considering starting a Greg Manusky watch. Did anyone else see that BEAUTIFUL Bobby-esque mustache on that guy?

1:34 pm - After that huge smack by Bradie James, the team celebrated into the locker room. Bobby, watching the first season of Grey's Anatomy on his new iPhone, realized everyone was gone, and leapt up to join the team in the locker room, only to trip over his shoes, tied together, with a note reading, "Blow that whistle again, see what happens."

1:53 pm - Flozell false starts as a shout out to his girl back home, but it is reversed by a neutral zone infraction on the defense. Flo is not happy.

1:55 pm - Flozell False starts as a shout out to his girl back home. This time for real.

1:58 pm - Bobby is not seen on the kickoff coverage, and it can be assumed that Carlos Polk is taking his place after the blocked punt earlier in the game. Message to Bobby from the writer - GROW BACK THE 'STACHE. It's good luck. And it's more intimidating.

2:14 pm - Bobby is up to his laser pointer antics again, this time his victim is Tashard Choice. Zach Thomas, after the play, shoots Bobby a menacing look as he runs onto the field.

2:18 pm - Zach gave his best motivational speech of the year, "Intercept this pass, and we tape Bobby to the showers after the game."

Bobby is seen hiding in the stands near a large blonde woman. Confused, Zach punches them both.

2:33 pm - With the game more or less over, the defense, led by Zach, are seen getting together rope, duct tape, and placing bars of soap in socks, all the while the backups are told to stare menacingly at Bobby until he cries. This takes approximately 2:47 mins.

2:52 pm - Bobby, now standing on the sidelines right next to Wade in hopes he'll get some protection, repeats everything Wade says to motivate the defense. Wade grows annoyed, and wonders where his son Wes is. This is what quality control is for.

3:02 pm - Bobby makes his first appearance on TV on the game, on the kickoff coverage. Funny how we only see him when something bad happens...

3:20 pm - And that's the game, ladies an gentlemen. Tune in next time.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Week 12 in the NFL

Alex and Chris pick the weekend's NFL games and offer insight on their differences.

Alex: Considering Pitt won last night, do you want to start with his rating for this week?

(note: all picks are made before kickoff & before posts)

Chris: I know no details of the game, just that they won. And we both had Pit.

Alex: Against a lowly Bengals team, where talent seems endangered. Which is why I'm going Roethlis-poacher.

Chris: Hahaha, I'll go.. Roethlis-helicopter-hunter.

Alex: Hahaha. A quick note before we get on to the differences... We both picked Flacco this week. Maybe we break the trend, or you're just falling in line. Who knows. Or maybe it's like dividing by 0.

Chris: I wonder if we've ever both picked Bal?

Alex: Should I run through the weeks?

Chris: Sure.

Alex: Funny. We did once. In week 2. When the game was postponed by Ike. And then, when the game came back on, one of us changed the pick. And I changed my pick to Houston.

Chris: Crazy. Natural disaster heading to the east coast?

Alex: Possible.

Chris: What if Joe Flacco knew you were going to change to Houston, and since then, he's been playing to spite you?

Alex: He must be. And honestly, going through the books, I am 0-10 for Baltimore games this year. How does that happen?

Chris: Wow, that's amazing. I think at the end of the year, we can look at team by team records based on our picks, see who hates us and who loves us.

Alex: It's a good final issue.

Alex: Ok, onto the first difference. You have the Lowly Lions, and I have the Bucs. I will give you this, the Bucs have a tendancy to play to a team's level.

Chris: This is based solely on hope, and help, because this would be great for the Cowboys.

Alex: You know, Detroit hasn't won yet, which is why I'm not picked them. But remember— Brad Johnson beat the Bucs.'s definetly possible.

Chris: True. Hopefully Detroit has some secrets on defense.

Alex: Next, You have Buffalo, I have KC. I'm sorry, but my faith in Trent Edwards is completely gone after Monday night. Thats was a horrible performance.

Chris: Yeah, it was. But this time I think he's taken his practice against a better team in Cleveland and he'll hand off like no other against KC. Maybe mix in a pass

Alex: Haha. I just like scrappy KC. They deserve a game. And if Herm Edwards could coach, they'd be a decent .500 team next year.

Chris: Yeah.

Alex: Next, you have ATL and i have CAR. This one will be close.

Chris: Yeah, and it really could go either way with those running games, but I put more stock in Matt Ryan this week at home.

Alex: You know, that's a good point. But it seems to me Carolina is having a bit of a dream season. Plus, they're the division leaders. A loss for ATL only helps us.

Chris: Very quietly having a dream season, in fact. And true, I guess I want the division leaders to start running away with it. So my heart wants Car, but my head says Atl, in the Michael Vick - Rae Carruth Bowl.

Alex: Hahahahaha. Wonderful.

Alex: Ok, last difference. You take NYG, and I have ARI in an upset. I think Kurt Warner wants revenge.

Chris: I would love that, but again, I just think NYG are on too much of a roll. But this is the exact game where the Giants screw up— see Cleveland and almost Bengals.

Alex: Yeah. And Arizona, while still Arizona, is a good team this year. It's primed and ready to go.

Chris: It would be great to avenge the 199...8? playoff loss to Arizona with a Dallas win over them this year.

Alex: For the finale, Bobby Carpenter is returning from a groin injury this week, after having Chris Martin from Coldplay sing directly into it.

Chris: hahahah

Alex: So, what is his overall effect this week?

Chris: He'll probably make a great tackle in the 3rd quarter in a game no one else will be watching.

Alex: Haha. I'd love to see him knock a guy out cold. And then have the play negated by a penalty.

Chris: Assign Bobby to only hit players of SF who step on our star, even if they were just running by on a kickoff.

Alex: Haha. He's the designated George Teague this week.

Other picks this week
Pittsburgh over Cincinnati
Baltimore over Philadelphia
Cleveland over Houston
Chicago over St. Louis
Tennessee over New York Jets
Miami over New England
Minnesota over Jacksonville
Dallas over San Francisco
Denver over Oakland
Washington over Seattle
Indianapolis over San Diego
Green Bay over New Orleans

Overall records
Alex: 96-63-1
Chris: 101-58-1

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Week 11 Postmortem

A look back at the week, our picks, and our blunders.

Alex: Check this out. Wait for the sponser.

Chris: Are you serious? Is Ty serious?

Alex: Yes. Isn't that great?

Chris: There is too much wrong with that ad... uniform, logo, everything. A van. Men in vans don't equal safety.

Alex: According to Ty Detmer, former Heisman winner, they do. And if you can't trust a great college football player, who can you trust? I mean, Maurice Clarett is like my best friend. Great financial advisor, I might add.

Chris: I routinely keep $25,000 worth of stuff in my car now (I forget if that was the worth of his stolen goods).

Alex: I don't remember. My one lasting image of him is in that orange jumpsuit. And I also remember thinking to myself when the Bronco's drafted him, "See, now the Broncos are going to have another 1000 yard rusher, he was good in college, just had some problems." Man, did I ever eat my words. I feel that's a good holiday opener.

Alex: Moving into last week, our first difference was the now infamous tie game between Cincy and Philly. Given that neither of us won, or really lost, just give me your thoughts on Donovan.

Chris: I just hope the Bengals' lack of an offense there wont end up hurting the Cowboys in the wildcard race. And Donovan needs to learn the NFL rulebook. At least the page on regular season overtime. Now you'll wonder if he intentionally toned it down because he thought maybe there would be a 2OT

Alex: Here's the thing that confuses me. The last tie game was in 2002. Pittsburgh and Atlanta. Donovan was in his prime then. It's not like he wasn't in the league. So, given that that was big news then, I don't understand how he misses it.

Alex: Second difference, You had KC and I had NO. NO is flaky this year, I'm just going off hunches with them.

Chris: Yeah. Sooner or later, KC might just learn how to finish.

Alex: Well, maybe they should talk to Cleveland, 'cause it seems they finally figured it out.

Chris: If you kick enough field goals, one may eventually win the game for you.

Alex: Haha. Bingo.

Alex: Next difference. FUCK Joe Flacco. Bal for me, NYG for you. Gah. I'm officially picking Bal to win the Dallas-Bal game. Just to ensure Dallas wins.

Chris: Good. He doesn't like you. He's going to go against every pick you make of his games.

Alex: I feel like we need a Joe Flacco rule. Whatever I put on paper is the opposite of what I think will actually happen.

Chris: Haha. Sadly that won't get you the win on paper, but it will in your heart.

Alex: That's all that counts. Didn't you see Rudy?

Chris: Sho 'nuff

Alex: Ok, 3rd and final difference in week 11. Chi-Gb. I had GB. Ouch, C-bass.

Chris: Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking. Maybe GB would collapse. Implode. Because the only way Chicago can win is to benefit from someone else messing up.

Alex: Yeah, I mean don't get me wrong. I have very little faith in GB. But with Orton injured still a little, and Rex just completely incompetent. I have no faith in Chi-town at the moment.

Chris: We need division leaders to start running away with games.

Alex: Roethlis-rating?

Chris: Not world-beating but good enough. Basically the trend of this year.

Alex: Pretty much. Roethlis-tenderized.

Other holiday slip-ups:

Records this week
Alex: 11-4-1
Chris: 9-6-1

Overall records

Alex: 96-63-1
Chris: 101-58-1