Saturday, December 20, 2008

Barbie Watch, Week 16

Every week, Chris and Alex track the statistics and antics of former first round pick Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. This week, he faces off against the Baltimore Ravens, with STILL best friend Tony Romo in tow. All locations Dallas unless stated otherwise.

7:15 pm - Cowboys return the opening kickoff. No signs of Bobby. Is he hiding in the catwalk? Biding his time?

7:19 pm - Romo throws a deep ball ... and it ends up intercepted, by Ed Reed. I blame a certain someone standing in the rafters. I think Bobby was setting up decorations for tonight's post-game party and the laser-light head deflected the ball.

7:22 pm - DeMarcus Ware sacks Joe Flacco and Greg Ellis recovers the fumble inside the Baltimore 5. By this point the confetti guns, laser-light heads, and balloons are ready for the post-game Last Game @ Texas Stadium Party. Why Carpenter was in charge of decorations, I have no idea.

7:28 pm - After the extra point, Dallas goes up 7-0. Bobby begins strategically placing banners around the stadium. Some favorites: Carpenter's Crew, Bobby's Bunch, and Karli's Angel.

7:37 pm - Keith Davis and his unusual facemask is called for pass interference. The Cowboys are fired up though. Tonight Bobby selected the pregame pump-up music. "The quality control job will be mine before the end of the year, damn it," Bobby thinks to himself. Somewhere, Wes Phillips is nervous. Okay, he's nervous in the pressbox.

7:45 pm - Bobby puts on his white Romo jersey (they're BFF) and begins walking through the crowd to sign autographs and take some Myspace pics with babes. Unfortunately most people can identify Tony Romo, and not many people know Carpenter's face. And even more people don't believe Bobby when he swears he's an NFL player.

7:59 pm - Bobby is escorted out of the stands by an usher who doesn't believe Carpenter is a real NFL player. An unhappy Wes Phillips, quality control, bails out Carpenter.

8:10 pm - I've never seen a hit on the quarterback as fast as Burnett just hit Flacco.

8:32 pm - Bobby spent the last 20 minutes perfecting the second half music mix. It's fed directly into the defensive Green Dot helmet. Expect some more K104 and 97.9 hits. And maybe, just maybe, some electro.

8:45 pm - Baltimore goes into halftime up 9-7. Unfortunately Bobby's attempt to shine a laser pointer from the catwalk directly into the eyes of the Raven kicker falls short. Something to do with angles ... but if he can't be a threat from the catwalk, or beneath the field, can Bobby pull the ULTIMATE SURPRISE by bringing the Phantom of the Opera to Texas Stadium? Sigh.

8:58 pm - Bobby makes some calls to his professors at Ohio State and finds the optimal angle for shining laser lights into eyes: straight ahead. The wheels are in motion for the first hidden helmet-mounted laser pointer.

9:01 pm - For those wondering at home, Deion is wearing a scarf indoors. He's also doing his classic "speak normally then talk really slow and whisper" move.

9:04 pm - Dallas' defense holds the Ravens and forces a punt on the opening drive in the second half. Victory goes directly to Bobby, who gives some partial credit to the drive's theme, Lil Wayne.

9:06 pm - Bobby accidentally pumps the NWA remix into Romo's helmet, and the confusion leads to an incomplete pass to TO. Obviously, the play was designed to throw to Witten.

9:12 pm - Flacco runs for the first down and absolutely no one is near him. "We done told you not to play any of that gay computer music, Barbie!" Canty yells to the sidelines. Bobby sighs and realizes the Cowboys in Week 16 are not yet ready for electronic dance music.

9:13 pm - Bobby immediately switches over to the Sasha Fierce playlist and the Dallas defense forces a Baltimore punt. Still a dance remix, but it's Beyoncé, so the troops are happy.

9:28 pm - It's just not Dallas' drive here, as Baltimore gets lucky time after time and takes it to the endzone. Baltimore leads 16-7. And an irrational Greg Ellis deletes every Beyoncé song off Bobby's computer (Zach Thomas distracted him with an offer of friendship).

9:28:30 pm - Bobby realizes Beyoncé was deleted and immediately wishes he backed up his computer. You try and you try, but no one appreciates it. Fine. Time for a live feed from K104.

9:38 pm - Zach walks over and apologizes for distracting Bobby with a fake friendship offer. Bobby says the best apology would be a true friendship offer. Zach says he'll think about it. Bobby tells Zach to take his time—just let him know next time Texas Tech make a BCS bowl. Gauntlet dropped.

9:52 pm - PS, just in case you were wondering, Bobby's plan to emerge from beneath the star at midfield during the 2-minute warning was quashed. Thank Wes Phillips, quality control, for that one. Apparently you're not "allowed" to be down there without "proper clearance" or "permission." You're also not allowed to cut through the turf and install a hydraulic lift EVEN THOUGH THE STADIUM IS CLOSING FOREVER. Fun killer.

10:00 pm - You're also not allowed to swing down from the catwalk Tarzan style. It's like Wes Phillips' only job is to follow Bobby around and prevent any fun.

10:05 pm - Romo completes secret play #1 to Witten for some big yardage. He brings the Cowboys inside the Ravens' 10 with secret play #2 to Crayton. Secret play #3 to TO gives the Cowboys a touchdown. Cowboys down by 2. Could this be a comeback?

10:10 pm - Never mind, Willis McGahee runs 77 yards untouched for a touchdown. Must be glad to be away from all those Buffalo Applebees.

10:13 pm - Bobby's just not having any fun tonight. First off, he busted his tail setting up decorations. Second, he was kicked out of the crowd after trying to find a date for tonight's post-game party. Third, no Phantom of Texas Stadium or swinging Tarzan (thank you very much, Wes Phillips, quality control). And on top of this, the Cowboys are losing? No fun. Oh, and his UT teammates don't appreciate pre-Fiesta Bowl trash talk during the game.

10:24 pm - Another secret play from Romo to Witten gives Dallas the touchdown. Cowboys are down by 2 with 1:36 to go in the game. Bobby thinks about going to the post-game party after all ... COMEBACK?

10:28 pm - No, never mind again. Some guy named McClain ran 82 yards, relatively untouched, for the score. Ravens up by 9 again. Bobby thinks he'll skip the party after all.

10:32 pm - THERE IT IS! Flozell Adams false starts to let his girl back home know he loves her. It's a little shout out.

10:40 pm - Dallas loses 33-24 and probably loses their ticket to the playoffs. Bobby decides to stick around for the party, but only if Witten and Romo are going. Goodbye, Texas Stadium.