Sunday, December 14, 2008

Barbie Watch, Week 15

Every week, Chris and Alex track the statistics and antics of former first round pick Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. This week, he faces off against the New York Football Giants, with his best friend Tony Romo. All locations Dallas unless stated otherwise.

7:26 pm - With the game officially started, Bobby was seen running out onto the field in pregame with the ESPN article in his hand proclaiming him and Romo as best friends, running right behind Zach Thomas, gloating. This is going to be a tumultuous game indeed.

7:28 pm - Cowboys go three and out. First pass? Witten. TO wasn't happy. So then Romo threw it to TO. And he didn't make the catch. Cue the boos. Meanwhile, Carpenter runs onto the field for punt squad, thinking they're really saying... well never mind, nothing in his name resembles boo.

7:32 pm - Bobby is seeing the most action out of any game this week, with both teams starting with a three and out. He's riding that high of having his first best friend ever.

7:34 pm - Bobby asks his best friend Romo if he wants any Gatorade before going into the game, just to make sure his thirst is quenched, or that he obeys his thirst, or something. Romo says sure, but races out to the field before Bobby notices.

7:35 pm - After pouring some Gatorade into a cup for BFF Romo, Carpenter notices a trace of mustache hair in the drink. And that's not acceptable. Not by anyone's standards. Our Nancy Drew walks over to the Gatorade cooler, lifts the lid, and finds ESPN reporter Ed Werder inside, at work on his next story about how the Cowboys are self-destructing.

7:37 pm - Dallas is forced to punt again. Fortunately, they benefit from a 'running into the kicker' penalty—what NBC doesn't tell you is that the errant Giant slipped on a puddle of Gatorade in front of Paulescu ... and we know whose trademark Gatorade is. Next time use more Gatorade, Bobby, and draw a roughing call. We need the ball on offense.

7:49 pm - Zach DeOssie fouls up by moving early, rumor has it Bobby was beginning to sing the "We're a Happy Family" song from Barney, causing Zach to have a sort of childhood flashback to his former Giant father, Steve DeOssie, also a LB. Unfortunatly, Steve was a player under the Parcells regime, and was trained to hit anything that sang. No word on whether Bobby knew that, or is still happy about the Romo-friendship.

7:55 pm - Flozell false starts as a shout out to his girl back home.

8:01 pm - Apparently false starts are catching on with the team, with almost everyone on the offensive line shouting out to their girls back home. Bobby Carpenter was not seen on punt coverage, but rather, holding the ESPN article in one hand, Ed Werder in the other, and campaigning to Hudson Houck, the Offensive Line coach, to replace Cory Protor, arguing, "who better to protect Romo than his BEST FRIEND, hmm???"

8:08 pm - Bobby is again unseen on the punt return team, and this writer is becoming unsure whether or not he has actually even been on the field tonight. It is assumed that him and Witten are having a conversation on the sideline about switching roommates for road games, seeing as how Romo and Bobby are, after all, best friends.

Writer's note: rogue film crews were spotted around the stadium focused directly on Terrell Owens. No official word yet, but it is suspected that the Fox film crew bought tickets to the game. Joe Buck was spotted at the Dallas airport this late afternoon, saying he was attending "a very important wedding"

8:18 pm - After the touchdown, Bobby was seen waiting with heating pad, ice, and an impromptu laser show by the practice squad for Romo, his BEST FRIEND. Romo shrugs it off, points to Zach, who then looks at Bobby, begins to drool, and the practice squad whisks itself away. Bradie James brings out his flute and plays the theme from The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. Guarenteed the Ugly was going to show up there. Bobby was not seen on the kickoff coverage.

8:31 pm - This writer is beginning to become concerned with Bobby Carpenter's lack of play. He wasn't in on his bread and butter FG block there. Questions are beginning to swirl about the catastrophic "Best Friend" distraction, and whether or not it is actually good for the team.

8:34 pm - Bobby was not in on kicks. We're scouring the sidelines. We will let you know about his whereabouts as soon as he reappears.

8:38 pm - Team officials are now searching for Bobby. Word in the stadium is he is buying every pro-shop out of Romo Jersey's, and buying nice pink one for himself. Jessica who?

8:47 pm - With the 2 minute warning now past, Bobby walks back onto the field, churro in hand, and his credit card for his new ebay page, BESTROMOFRIEND54, and 2 injury-carts full of Romo jersey's. The Christmas rush goes through Bobby, and all the proceeds go towards couples counseling with Romo and TO.

9:05 pm - Back into the second half, and Bobby's new business is going strong, and making Jerry ask for some Bonus money back.

9:15 pm - 3 and out on the first drive, and Bobby is found searching for that new song on all the iPhone commercials for his iHelmet, to prove he got it direct from Steve Jobs. They're best friends too, you know.

9:24 pm - Dallas' defense shows up in a big way and goes to town on Eli. Bobby credits this to science: he swapped out the Green Dot helmet on defense with his iHelmet and piped in his 97.9 playlist. Did you know Bobby DJs homecomings, proms, Bar/Bat Mitzvahs, graduation parties, and reunions? Oh, and motocross rallies.

9:31 pm - Bobby, finally realizing that the game has been going on for almost 2 hours now, wonders why he hasn't played yet, and when exactly he is going to be invited by to Ohio State to dot the i.

9:35 pm - Another great defensive series. Another success for science. This time Bobby gave them his soul/MoTown playlist. Carpenter is in street clothes now, and since he won't get in, it's time to wear the jersey and blue jeans like high school.

9:37 pm - Quality Control GURU Wes Phillips tells Bobby to put on some issue gear and take off that jersey. "It's not high school," Wes barked.

9:47 pm - With Bobby now out for the game, churro sales have skyrocketed. The sidelines now suddenly smell like cinnamon.

9:55 pm - Knowing Chris Snee is the son-in-law of Giants' head coach Tom Coughlin, Bobby has rigged a makeshift microphone and is communicating via iHelmet to the defensive line. He's arming them with quotes to throw at Snee from 1993 Oscar-quality Pauly Shore film, Son-in-Law. No one seems to pick up on his elevated sense of humor. Chris Canty tries to make it up to Bobby by misquoting Encino Man.

10:03 pm - Bobby convinces Cory Proctor to not get up on the snap, creating a safety on Romo. It's effect is two-fold. Bobby is one step closer to suiting back up and playing at left guard, and it allows Bobby to hack into the NBC interface and play "Safety Dance," his favorite song of all time, for the entire nation to hear.

10:08 pm - The Giants run down the field and chip away at the Dallas lead with a field goal, cutting the lead to 14-8, Dallas. Some outspoken Dallas defensemen blame it on the "gay computer music" Bobby included on his electro playlist. Now is probably not the best time for his Beyoncé remixes.

10:20 pm - Tashard Choice sprints through the defense and scores on a huge run, putting the Cowboys ahead 20-8 with 2:16 left. In an effort to prove he loves Tashard, Bobby registers as a Democrat so he can truly say he's pro-Choice.

And that's the game, folks. Thanks for reading tonight. Dallas wins, 20-8. Suck it, media. Post-game laser show set to Beyoncé remixes in the parking lot, courtesy Bobby Carpenter.

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