Thursday, November 26, 2009

Barbie Watch, Week 12

Every week, Alex and Chris track the highs and lows of former first round pick Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. The Cowboys celebrate Thanksgiving with a home game against the Oakland Raiders. Action occurs in Arlington, Texas, at Dallas Standard Time, unless stated otherwise.

2:36 pm: Barbie emerges from a luxury suite restroom a bit queasy. In a show of manliness, our Barbara devoured an entire turducken BY HIMSELF during pre-game meetings. Whatever it takes to repair his reputation after the halftime scalping from David Buehler.

3:16 pm: Happy thanksgiving everyone. Buehler, in order to keep Bobby out of the game, kicks the ball out of the endzone. That's one think to be thankful for.

3:27 pm: Cowboys get a LOOOONG pass to Miles Austin, only to penalize themselves out of points. It looks like it's gonna be that kind of game. Meanwhile, Bobby sulks on the sidelines while Buehler's girlfriend braids his hair. He mumbles "Yes master" everytime Buehler walks by.

3:34 pm: Bobby has yet to be seen on the field, meanwhile JaMarcus Russell has been seen roaming around the enormous Cowboys Stadium, reportedly asking "Where's a turkey? I need a damn turkey. It's thanksgiving. We shouldn't be playing football anyway. Good thing I'm watchin'."

3:39 pm: Bobby still not on the field, but rather showing JaMarcus the cheesesteak sandwiches in the food court in the party pass plaza. JaMarcus, a big man wearing an Oakland uniform, is excused for a displaced Raider's fan, since he's pigging out on beer and red meat. Meanwhile, Bobby is welcomed with familiar and open arms by the drunk fans who love the idea that they know an NFL player, regardless of his shittiness. Bobby lets a smile sneak through his workmanlike demeanor.

3:43 pm: With another 3rd and medium, Bobby is again not needed on the field. Bobby asks JaMarcus about the gameplan, and with a full mouth, JaMarcus responds "fucked if I know." Bobby then realizes he has found his kindred spirit, he give JaMarcus a 10spot and tells him to buy another cheesesteak. Bobby goes hunting for a new iHelmet, Raiders edition.

3:47 pm: Choicecat I for somethine like 60ish yards. Amazing.

3:50 pm: Penalties stall another Cowboys drive, along with seemingly preferential calls towards the Raiders. Luckily, Nick Folk nails it through. 3-0 Cowboys.

3:52 pm: Another touchback for David Buehler, riding high on his lack of Bobby. Meanwhile, JaMarcus is presented with a brand new iHelmet, complete with mechanical eyepatch and a preloaded "Cooking for dummies, the multimillionaire edition." JaMarcus is brought to tears, and Bobby opens his arms and encourages him to "hug it out."

4:02 pm: Choicecat II. No gain. Meh.

4:06 pm: Felix gets one cat in the bag. Touchdown. Bobby sighs, starts downfield for a kickoff coverage. Buehler can't boot it everytime, and has surely noticed his abscence. JaMarcus watches Bobby walk off, and reaches out, hand full of chedder, and asks "Will you come back for me?" Bobby turns around and says, "Every time I have a choice, I'll always choose you. I have to go make a call."

A.J. Hawk is about to be very dissapointed.

4:13 pm: Bobby is finally in on 3rd down, and Bruce Gradkowski runs for a first down. Bobby is seen with tears in his eyes, and JaMarcus is in the concourse eating 3 bratwurst, singing "All By Myself" through a waterfall of tears. Buehler is beginning to take notes on the interaction. A halftime plot to follow?

4:18 pm: Bobby in again, and Spencer gets his first sack of the season. Bobby drops back into coverage, and after the sack, pounds his heart twice, and points up to the burger stand. JaMarcus understands, and grabs his 35million guarenteed and heads up.

4:22 pm: Royshonda gets 1 nail did.

4:23 pm: Nick Folk has missed 3 of his last 4. He's begging to get Vanderjagt'd. Buehler laughs maniacally on the sideline, whilst on his laptop. JaMarcus apparently forgot to download Norton for his iHelmet. Being a Raider, they only sell the Windows-based edition.

4:27 pm: Bobby in once again on 3rd down, but the pressure gets to him. Bobby has yet to have a pass come his way, to which JaMarcus responds, "Don't worry, Bobcat, I'd throw you at least 3 interceptions. What're friends for?"

"Not friends, JaMarcus. Best friends. Forever."

In related news, AJ Hawk is on a plane to Dallas from Detroit with the Reality-TV-hit show "cheaters."

4:39 pm: Hanging out on the party pass plaza with his new BFF, Bobby talks to Jamarcus between bites of pizza.

Bobby: Hey Jam, do you think Miles looks like Obama?
Jamarcus: Yeah, lil bit.
Bobby: You know, I voted for Obama.
Jamarcus: Cool.

Meanwhile, the touchdown is called back. Of course, that means more pizza time.

4:42 pm: Never mind. The Cowboys made sure Miles got his touchdown after all. Dallas leads, 17-0, and Royshonda ain't happy.

4:48 pm: Halftime, and the teams head to their respective locker rooms. All at least, except for two players. JaMarcus quickly iHelmet-texts Bobby to stay behind and look up at the MEGA-tron. Daughtry is setting up, and the lights suddenly go out. In the middle of the commencing panic, a montage begins to play, with "Wind Beneath My Wings" playing soulfully underneath a series of pictures of JaMarcus and Bobby hanging out during the game. There was the cheesesteak, the brats, the hamburgers, all the good times. The montage ends, and JaMarcus is seen on screen and says "Bobby, I have only known you for 30 minutes of football, but I feel like I've known you my whole life. Thank you for the hospitality. I may have lost my job, but I have gained the friend of a lifetime.

The lights switch back on, and Bobby notices a number of cameras around him, and AJ Hawk screaming and rushing towards him. Bobby turns to run, and heads directly into Joey Greco, host of Cheaters. Bobby has nothing to say.

AJ responds by screaming "Do these ponytails mean nothing to you?! All we went through together?!"

Bobby pauses, turns around, then rips out his flowing ponytail and screams, "It's fake, AJ! My friend David Buehler cut it off last week. We're done. I was going to call you...but....You were busy celebrating, and I didn't want to ruin it."

Bobby runs off to be with JaMarcus in the nosebleed section, AJ is seen walking back to his plane with tears in his eyes. The crowd applauds wildly. This was WAY better than the Jonas brothers.

5:10 pm: Bobby rolls into the locker room right as the meeting is winding up.

Wade: Robert, do you mind telling me where the hell you were during halftime?
Bobby: Well, uh, I, I was ... okay, I was gone.
Wade: Where?
Bobby: Six Flags.
Wade: What? Are you kidding me?
Bobby: No, here, I took this picture with Jamarcus as we came down Splash Mountain.
Wade: So you were just hanging out with the opposing team, across the street, instead of doing your job? Instead of being in the meeting? Son, what is in your head?
Bobby: Coach P...
Wade: Grab some bench, Bobby. You'll learn the hard way. Buehler is gunning for your job and I'm not so sure he's not my favorite.

5:19 pm: Igor Olshansky, strong like bull.

5:22 pm: Terence Newman stops a scrambling Gradkowski deep in Dallas territory. Dave Campo immediately pulls the ref over and suggests Newman led with his helmet. No call.

5:35 pm: Bobby is out of the game, and our sideline reporter/JaMarcus are both out with a food coma. BRB guys, Bobby will be back soon.

5:39 pm: Bobby falls on the tackled Raider. If the stat guy blinked, he might just credit Bobby with half a tackle.

5:45 pm: Choicecat III

5:47 pm: Royshonda gets his 2nd nail did, along with 1/2 a pedicure with the TD.

5:49 pm: Buehler with another touchback, and with the roar of the crowd JaMarcus wakes up next to 3 cheesesteak sandwiches and Greg Ellis' wife. Apparently she though, given his size, he an Greg were one and the same. "Better get out of here" JaMarcus thinks, "I've been sacked enough this season."

6:00 pm: Patrick Watkins bodyslams Jonnie Lee Higgins to the turf and gets up doing a turkey dance. JaMarcus salivates and calls Bobby. The obediant and subserviate Bobcat fries up a bird and gets McBriar to punt it to the nosebleeds for JaMarcus. Instead of catching it, JaMarcus swallows it whole. Word is that's why Bobby loves him.

6:04 pm: Bobcat down, again he is untested. after the play he shows love by proclaiming that he's "number 2" in homage to Mr. Russel. Bobby then initiates a google search on his iHelmet on what exactly a "gimp" is, at JaMarcus' request.

6:13 pm: With JaMarcus in bed and Bobby on the field, Buehler asleep at the wheel, this writer is signing off. Also because he has the Lone Star Showdown to attend, but that's simply axiallary. Have a great night, don't let the tryptophan bite.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Week 12 in the NFL

Alex and Chris pick the weekend's NFL games.


Sunday, November 22, 2009

Barbie Watch, Week 11

Every week, Alex and Chris track the highs and lows of former first round pick Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. Today, the Dallas Cowboys look to return to the win column against the Washington Redskins. Action occurs in Arlington, Texas, at Dallas Standard Time, unless stated otherwise.

11:58 am: Barbie's iHelmet has been updated with the latest software. The team stretches to radio preset 93.3 FM, which used to have rock, but now features a little too much Lady Gaga to be taken seriously on the football field. Wes Phillips, quality control, increases the volume of the stadium's speakers. Bobby continues warming up to Gaga and howling RAH RAH AH AH AH, ROMA, ROMAMA. No one is amused, but the Eastern Europe gibberish catches the attention of Igor Olshansky. Today, Igor thinks to himself, will be a strong like bull today.

12:03 pm: Felix Jones, just as disappointed with the Redskins' decision to wear MONOCHROME MAROON as I am, takes it to the 35 on the opening kickoff.

12:05 pm: These secret plays to Jason Witten haven't been paying off. Yet. Dallas is forced to punt. The Redskins will take over on their 16.

12:07 pm: Igor Olshansky, strong like bull.

12:08 pm: Seeing the positive effect of Lady Gaga on Igor, Bobby cues up another Gaga hit for the sideline playlist. While Bobby was busy fiddling with his iHelmet, Dallas's defense quickly runs 3rd and inches without him. Mission accomplished, courtesy Keith Brooking.

12:09 pm: Bobby is flustered and storms over to Wade, first criticizing Phillips for "that stunt he just pulled on 3rd and inches," then taking Wade's sunglasses. The metaphor is "now Wade cannot hide," but Bobby was never much for literary studies. Economics? Now we're talking.

12:10 pm: Wade promises Bobby a 2nd down play if Bobby returns the sunglasses. Bobby accepts the offer, but not before sitting down on the bench and crossing/ recrossing his legs a-la Sharon Stone, Basic Instinct. Also: economics, supply and demand.

12:14 pm: F. After Dallas marches down the field, Barber fumbles the ball. Romo dives for the tackle, makes it, and now appears to be injured. Looks like a kidney shot. Commercial break, Bobby's iHelmet cues the "sad piano NFL on FOX music."

12:17 pm: The Redskins take over, but not before a false start. Cute.

12:18 pm: 2nd down. Bobby runs onto the field but Wade pulls him back to the sidelines.

"But Coach P, you promised!" Bobby says.

"I know," Wade replies. "But here's an economics lesson: let the buyer beware. Here's another: get it in writing next time."

Touche, Phillips. Touche.

12:19 pm: Bobby falls into coverage on 3rd down. Jason Campbell avoids a sack and somehow completes a pass for the 1st down.

12:21 pm: The Redskins false start AGAIN. Flo, these o-linemen are NOT respecting your woman.

12:22 pm: Nothing fancy here. Bobby falls into coverage. There is no 3rd down conversion. Therefore, Bobby has done his job.

12:23 pm: Terence Newman shoves Dave Campo on television! What is THIS? Was Dave critiquing Newman's play? Or was he critiquing the spelling of "Terence," which is indeed worthy of some criticism?

12:25 pm: The last time a Dallas assistant was shoved on the sideline (Parcells on Todd Haley), the assistant took a hike. Expect Campo to fight tooth and nail to stay in the Metroplex.

12:26 pm: Romo completes the pass to Martellus Bennett for the 1st down. Bennett has 1 box of Papa John's Pizza.

12:28 pm: Bobby brings up yesterday's Ohio State - Michigan game on the sidelines. Unfortunately, the Cowboys have no Wolverines, so Bobby instead talks the ears off of other Big Ten alums, still using the pronoun "we" when referring to the Buckeyes.

12:30 pm: Dallas punts to Washington. During the return, Bobby is jacked up on a rough hit. David Buehler tells Bobby he lost a letter from his name on the hit-- he is now Obby.

12:31 pm: Wade puts a dizzy Carpenter in on 1st down. Wade believes a bell-rung Bobby might actually be more lethal and less finesse.

12:33 pm: 1 tin of Copenhagen for Brooking on the sack.

12:34 pm: Illegal hands to the face called on Newman. What you didn't see: Campo notified the refs. "This will be a valuable life lesson," Campo mutters to himself.

12:39 pm: Apparently, dizzy Carpenter is of no use on 3rd down.

12:40 pm: Dallas unleashes Blitz-Bobby on 3rd down! Bobby goes unblocked on the rush and.. well, if he were just a few ticks faster, Campbell wouldn't have been able to release the ball for a 1st down. As on all 1st down conversions, Bobby's iHelmet cues the sad piano Charlie Brown music.

12:42 pm: 2 tins of Copenhagen for Keith Brooking on the sack. Brooking shares the tin with Ware. Brooking refuses water on the sideline, no doubt because he has some chew tucked in that lip as we speak.

12:43 pm: Sidenote: last week, Jason Garrett was criticized for not running the ball enough. Right now, Dallas has 12 runs and 5 passes. Keep mentally tracking this.

12:45 pm: Bobby is clearly held on 3rd down, but no flag. Washington kicks a field goal on 4th and makes it. Washington leads, 3-0.

12:47 pm: The unstoppable/ Citizen Eco Drive watch commercial featuring Eli Manning just aired. They only seem to run this commercial when Manning sucks. I like their sense of humor.

12:48 pm: Felix Jones returns the kickoff and looks uninspired. Bobby looks just as uninspired on the almost-block attempt. Meh.

12:51 pm: Jason Witten completes another secret hotel-room play.

12:52 pm: Barber up the middle! Vintage hair on fire run.

12:53 pm: Royshawnda damn near broke a nail on that dropped pass. How a girl 'sposed to look good if she can't get her nails did?

12:54 pm: Offense check: 15 runs, 8 passes.

12:56 pm: Buehler walks over to Bobby and gives him an old sock.

"What the hell is this for? I have both my socks on," says Bobby.

"Here you go, Dobby. You're free now, Dobby," Buehler replies.

"Who the hell is Dobby? What?" Bobby asks as Buehler walks off. "Knock it off!"

12:58 pm: Buehler convinces the o-line to give Bobby their unused socks. Leonard Davis begins to chant "Dobby" at Bobby. Leonard acts like he doesn't know where this reference is from... but he does. Davis fancied himself a Slytherin man, truth be told.

Bobby, now psyched out, is unable to make a play on 3rd down.

1:03 pm: Martellus has 2 boxes of Papa John's Pizza.

1:05 pm: Gurode, injured? Flashback?

1:07 pm
: Now that Dallas is on offense, Buehler phones in a favor to Wes Phillips, quality control. Buehler and Wes begin to hide random articles of issue clothing in places Bobby will look-- the Gatorade cooler, his iHelmet, the big screen, etc. Each article of clothing has a tag reading, "Dobby, you are free."

1:08 pm: Bobby returns from a luxury suite's restroom to find his iHelmet stuffed with an issue practice tee.

"WHAT THE HELL IS DOBBY?" Bobby yells.

Royshawnda walks over and explains, "Dobby is a house-elf from Harry Potter. This slave creature is freed once he receives an article of clothing from his master."

"Oh, that's kind of neat," Bobby says.

"It means I'm your master, dumbass," Buehler retorts as he chucks an issue t-shirt in Bobby's face.

1:12 pm: Flozell shout-out time.

1:14 pm: Bobby brainstorms his revenge on Buehler. He decides to pee in the Gatorade cooler, lifts the lid and -- WHAT? MORE DOBBY?

1:15 pm: Leonard Davis wants to get in on the shout-out business.

1:16 pm: Martellus Bennett has 3 boxes of Papa John's Pizza.

What the hell? So many injuries today.

Also: Troy just called him a very "athletic" tight end. If Bennett is the athletic TE, is Witten the intellectual TE?

1:17 pm: One more broken nail for Royshawnda?

1:18 pm: Nick Folk misses the field goal, wide right. Offense: 21 runs, 12 passes.

1:19 pm: Bobby is in on 1st down and lets Fred Davis run past him.

1:20 pm: Bobby is still in on these defensive plays. Washington keeps making 1st downs.

1:21 pm: Bobby falls into coverage. Cartwright slip out of Bobby's grasp. Someone else tackles him.

1:22 pm: Bobby is unleashed on the blitz, uncovered. He chases Campbell around and forces Campbell to throw it away. So is Dallas just capitalizing on unblocked opportunities, or does Washington not respect the Carpenter rush?

1:23 pm: Delay of game, Washington. AKA 11-man shout-out to Lady Flo.

1:31 pm: Good lord, this is quite a delay. I think I heard Wade drop 2 s-bombs on tv.

1:32 pm: Suisham misses a 39-yard field goal, leaving 10 seconds on the clock. Washington still leads, 3-0.

1:33 pm: And Dallas kneels the ball to go into the half. Washington 3, Dallas 0.


In order to motivate the team, Wade decides to bring some theatre into the locker room.

Wade: Guys, this is ridiculous. We're losing to the Redskins! Buehler, Bobby, get up here.

Buehler and Carpenter make their way to the center of the room. Wade dims the lights and brings a desk and scissors with him to the center.

Wade: Alright, guys. They're Redskins. Like Indians. What do they do to victims? They scalp them. What I'm going to do now is called symbolism. Bobby, son, you're going to be the Redskin here. Buehler, you're a Cowboy, you're just like us. We're tired of being pushed around. This is OUR HOUSE. What we want to do is scalp the injun. Give them a taste of their own medicine. Bobby, set your head on this table.

Bobby, hesitant, puts his head on the table. A hushed silence falls upon the room. Campo pokes Newman and tells him to pay attention to Coach P. Wade takes Bobby's long, blonde hair and organizes the hair into a ponytail.

Wade: Buehler, take these scissors.

Wade walks over to Buehler, hands him the scissors, then pulls him aside.

Wade (whisper): Now don't kill him, just snip off his ponytail. But make a big, dramatic show of it. You know, raise it in the air, scream, stuff like that.

Buehler: Got it.

Brooking runs over to Bobby and tucks a small bit of Copenhagen into his mouth. Buehler raises the scissors in the air, the spotlight directly over him, light glistening on the blade.


Buehler brings the scissors down, Bobby clenches, shuts his eyes, and the team winces. Some look away in fear. Buehler, still screaming, snips the ponytail off Bobby and lifts it in the air.


Buehler grabs a strip of masking tape, binds the hair at one end, and runs around the room, waving the ponytail in front of the team.

Buehler: C'MON GUYS! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Team: USA! USA!


Everyone: TEAM!


1:48 pm: Bobby makes the tackle on the kickoff. Motivation is an amazing tool.

1:55 pm: Bobby shows up a tick late at the scene of the tackle. Converted 1st down.

1:56 pm: False start. Now you're just getting cocky, Washington.

1:57 pm: Bobby blitzes, but Ratliff is the lead dog in the pack.

1:57 pm: Bobby goes right for the ankles on a tackle attempt. The Redskin is down because someone else made a more physical tackle. Washington still has to punt.

2:01 pm: Witten, first down on a secret play.

2:02 pm: After halftime, Buehler secured the Bobbytail under a sweatband and wore it as if it were his own. Bobby walks over to Buehler and demands his ponytail back.

Buehler: Here, you baby, take it.

Buehler tosses it to the ground.

Bobby: Can I at least have the sweatband, too?

Buehler: Sure, Dobby. Here you go, Dobby.

Bobby: NO! Never mind.

Buehler: Oh, so you don't want freedom? You want to be my slave?

Bobby: AGH! Fine, give me freedom.

Buehler: Give me freedom what.

Bobby: Give me freedom... master.

Buehler: Ha. Dumbass. Take it.

Bobby takes the ponytail and sweatband, puts both in ice, and jogs off.

2:04 pm: Bobby runs to the team doctor and asks him to surgically repair his Bobbytail. The doctor refuses. Bobby then runs to the nearest luxury suite restroom and reattaches the 'tail with a little rubber cement and a few hair-ties.

"I hope my body doesn't reject it," Bobby says to himself in the mirror, examining his work.

2:09 pm: Not much action for Bobby on 3rd down. He wants to minimize movement. It's in the best interest of the Bobbytail.

2:11 pm: Dallas offense check: 25 runs, 14 passes.

2:12 pm: One more broken nail for Royshawnda in heavy coverage.

2:18 pm: So we poke Bobby, but it's all in fun. BUT on this last play, I could swear he purposely jogs a little bit slower to avoid having make the tackle

2:18 pm: Okay, here we go. Bobby was called for a hold. Great.

2:19 pm: Igor Olshansky, strong like 2 bulls.

2:19 pm: Thank you. More shout-outs from Washington, this from Fred Davis. Lady Flo is loved.

2:22 pm: Bobby runs a few yards with the Redskin runner. He doesn't bother making a tackle on Cartwright until he sees another Dallas defender with him.

2:23 pm: Suisham makes the field goal attempt. This game's impotence is eerily similar to that of the Packers game last week. Redskins lead, 6-0.

2:25 pm: Martellus Bennett's illegal shift takes away his box of Papa John's Pizza.

2:26 pm: One more shattered nail from Royshawnda. Not because he dropped a pass, but because Miles Austin caught a big pass.

2:30 pm: Huge hair on fire run from Marion Barber.

2:33 pm: You know how Romo once said an interception of his was as good as a punt? Well, his latest interception (on 4th down) is better than a turnover on downs.

2:34 pm: Dallas offense check: 29 runs, 19 passes.

2:35 pm: Why is Dallas playing so uninspired? Even Bobby and Buehler have settled down.

2:38 pm: Bored but politically active, Bobby canvasses the sideline and asks each Cowboy if he is on Team Jacob or Team Edward. Wade lifts his shirt to reveal a Team Edward undershirt.

2:42 pm: Suisham goes wide right on a 50-yard field goal attempt. Wade pumps his fist in excitement. Is this a momentum shift?

2:47 pm: Secret play to Witten and then another Miles Austin-induced broken nail for Royshawnda. Girlfriend, God bless your hand.

2:48 pm: One more round of secret play to Witten and Miles Austin catch. Royshawnda's nails are DESTROYED.

2:49 pm: All this action is too much for Flo. He transfers his energy to Witten and forces Witten to false start. But Lady Flo, Flo still loves you.

2:51 pm: TOUCHDOWN, PATRICK CRAYTON! Dallas adds the extra point and takes the lead, 7-6. Offensive tracker: 30 runs, 27 passes.

3:02 pm: Anthony Spencer plucks a tipped pass out of the air and comes down with the interception. Stephen Bowen on the tip.

3:04 pm: Bobby grabs the nearest Gatorade cooler and dumps the contents on Spencer's head. Unfortunately, ice and random issue gear fall out. BUEHLER!

3:07 pm: The game ends on a Hail Mary attempt. Incomplete. You know it's incomplete because Bobby threw his arms up when it happened. Cowboys win, 7-6 and finish with 33 runs, 27 passes.

The Cowboys move to 7-3 and prepare for the Oakland Raiders on Thanksgiving. Will there be a victory Monday tomorrow? Will Bobby find a way to permanently reattach the Bobbytail? Find out Thursday. Have a good rest of the day.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Week 11 in the NFL

Alex and Chris pick the weekend's NFL games.


Sunday, November 15, 2009

Barbie Watch, Week 10

Every week, Alex and Chris track the exploits of former first round pick Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. This week, the boys travel to titletown to take on the Packers. All places Lambeau unless otherwise stated.

2:45 pm: Bobby and A.J. Hawk wake up naked next to each other in a simultaneous panic, because the game starts in 30 minutes. It's not until Bobby slips on A.J's jersey that he realizes what had happened the night before. Through the fog of hangover, both decide it's best not to see each other for awhile.

3:14 pm: Opening kickoff and Bobby starts the game in on kickoff coverage, but is afraid to hit anyone in a Green Bay uniform. Who knows who AJ Hawk told, and gay jokes is the last thing he needs today.

3:16 pm: Bobby in on 3rd down and piles on the end of a Donald Driver tackle. He notices the other guys aren't afraid to tackle, so it's probably a little suspicious if he's afraid to. He also begins to delete all the cher on his iHelmet.

3:19 pm: Royshonda gets one of his nails did.

3:22 pm: Nick Folk has a bad habit of missing easy FGs season.

3:27 pm: Bobby in on the tackle on Mr. Rodgers. Bobby wonders where his neighborhood is. He misses that little trolley and his puppets.

3:28 pm: Cowboys defense forces a fg, and Crosby misses. Back down to even. This is going to be an interesting game, and by the looks of things, one of ineptitude. Bobby is also playing a little better than normal. AJ is using his iHelmet Bobby got him as a gift to stream "I Got You Babe" into Bobcat's iHelmet. Bobby is playing well in tribute.

3:32 pm: AJ's hair is still a bit tousled from the evening before. Not typical of him. He is known to take very good care of his hair. Maybe it's a small trophy from the night before. Bobby is seen making googly eyes to AJ on the sideline, and flipping his hair in slow motion. Buehler notices the tomfoolery and begins asking Green Bay fans for ideas.

3:35 pm: Choicecat I for a loss

3:37 pm: If this game turns out to be a defensive struggle, I worry about our defense. Green Bay has some very talented wide receivers, and AJ reportedly promised them a boat party with a hot blonde stripper if they win. Bobby's iHelmet just received a text requesting him to shave tonight.

3:41 pm: T.J. "Clubber" Lang shouts out to a girl back home. Flo is visibly upset, runs on field and screams "I want a rematch!"

3:43 pm: Huge penalty on Mike Jenkins that erases a sack/strip by Scandrick, as well as some awesome aliteration.

3:44 pm: Darryn Colledge shouts out to the same girl back home. Flo is on the red phone asking what's wrong, baby?

3:46 pm: Anthony Spencer gets the pressure, presumably because it's a Bobdown, and Rodgers didn't want to play "poke the bear in coverage"

3:57 pm: It's amazing how AJ Hawk and Bobby Carpenter get about the same amount of mention. So much for Ohio State Linebackers.

3:58 pm: Igor Olshanksy strong like bull.

3:59 pm: Bobby was just seen in the endzone practicing dances on the FG post. Bradie James lays the wood on Greg Jennings, and it's looking like we're gonna have some prime Bobby time. Bobby grabs his iHelmet and runs on the field. AJ is visibly excited, because now he can talk to Bobby whenever his helmet is on. Thank god Bobby was just added to his Fave 5.

4:03 pm: Spencer Havner with the late hit. Bobby is stunned. This game is WAAAY more physical than he ever could have imagined.

4:05 pm: The Boos rain down from the tippy top of lambeau. I imagine this is what Cowboys Stadium would sound like for every incomplete pass if Cowboys fans didn't sit on their hands every game.

4:10 pm: 2nd 3 and out in a row for Dallas, and Wade Phillips decides to punt on 4th and inches. The game is getting boring, and Bobby is wondering what a pound of limberger cheese would do to a packer fan if launches directly at his head through a tshirt cannon.

4:13 pm: Bradie James is back in the game, which gives Bobby time to acquire the Limberger. AJ is contacted with the plan, and sneaks over to the Cowboys sideline, disguised as Keith Brooking. "Hey, anyone got any Skoal? Or some scissors? Somehow my hair grew really long and blonde in the last 10 minutes." Buehler, knowing what was going on, hands AJ some skoal, and waits for him to try it. AJ puts the whole tin in his mouth, smiles, and walks towards Wes Phillips, who he presumes to be an errand boy.

4:15 pm: Bobby on the screen pass reverts to 2nd grade, as he plays two hand touch with Brandon Jackson. He's visibly confused when the play continues.

4:21 pm: Royshonda gets his 2nd nail did, but then breaks 2 when he fumbles the ball.

4:23 pm: This is becoming a phyiscal game, and Fumblitis is running rampant. Bobby jumps on the pile at the end for good measure, then runs to the sideline towards Blonde Brooking for congratulations, only to find a dejected, crying, now bangs-less AJ Hawk. Wes Phillips didn't appreciate being called "little bitch" and then called out AJ asking him what kinda dogs he had. When Fake Brooking responded with Cocker Spaniels, it was all over. AJ is sent back to his sideline, and the iHelmet chat continues.

4:31 pm: This game is becoming worrying. Both defenses are playing VERY well.

4:33 pm: Greg Jennings shouts out to the girl back home. Flozell is seen in tears.

4:34 pm: A decent defensive stand here, and the double shutout rides on a FG attempt by Crosby. 3-0 Packers.

4:55 pm: Wonderful turn of events. Matt McBriar of all people forces a fumble. It's the little things.

5:01 pm: Play is reversed. AJ celebrates, and Bobby is put down, begins to tear up. AJ comes over to console Bobby when Wes shoots him a look, AJ cowers back to the Green Bay bench.

5:06 pm: Bobby has a chance to tackle Aaron Rodgers in the backfield, but his eyes are filled with tears and grass. he misses the tackle, and AJ is shamed to have slept with him

5:08 pm: Penalty on the play, but that was a Bobcat sack. Number 2 on the year. Maybe this linebacker is improving. Or maybe he just wants AJ to love him like he loves his hair. Just once, he wants to be caressed like that. Just once.

5:23 pm: Defense is beginning to fall apart, despite Brooking showing everyone how he's the real white linebacker in todays game. Ware then steps up and makes a sack. Bobby watches on the sideline and wonders how he can score some points for the Cowboys. Plots yet to emerge.

5:26 pm: The sad fox theme piano has been featured today as yet another Cowboy goes down. Cold weather really displays how much this team mimics Marshmellows.

5:28 pm: Bobby is finally tested on 3rd and 13, and Bobby fails, to no one's suprise.

5:41 pm: 10-0 Green Bay, and the Cowboys are being dominated. This game is practically over. AJ couldn't be happier. That boat is becoming closer to a reality.

5:45 pm: Royshonda gets a nail re-did.

5:47 pm: Romo fumbles. Game over. *challenged* I think we might be OK afterall. this is definitely 4 down territory, I think. We might not get the ball back after this. *WOW* that is a horseshit rule. The cowboys should have the ball still. Poor rule writing just lost the game for the Cowboys.

5:53 pm: Touchdown Green Bay. This game is now over.

6:08 pm: Witten shouts out to a girl back home, who is probably no longer watching.

6:11 pm: Romo wants a haircut, and throws an INT.

6:24 pm.: With the game over, Flozell shouts out. She has taken him back.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Week 10 in the NFL

Alex and Chris pick the weekend's NFL games.


Monday, November 9, 2009

Jay Ratliff is a Caricature of Himself

"At Halftime, we came in and [Ratliff] says, 'My fault on the running game.' and I said, 'No, it's not your fault.' He just jumps back at me and says "IT'S MY FAULT.' I said 'Ok, it's your fault.' But he said he'd get it corrected...." - Wade Phillips.

I know, I know, it actually sounds like something we would write in the blog about Shawne Merriman and his want for sexual deviance in terms of intensity, and on Phillips about his....lack of strength, but this REALLY happened. Here's the link:

Beautiful things happen sometimes in football....

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Barbie Watch, Week 9

Every week, Alex and Chris track the highs and lows of former first round pick Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. Today, the Dallas Cowboys challenge the Eagles in the city of Benjamin Franklin and Mike Mamula. Action occurs in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, at Dallas Standard Time, unless stated otherwise.

6:39 pm: Barbie's iHelmet backfires and plays Jay-Z's "Empire State of Mind" during the silence of the non-denominational team pre-game prayer. You see, he figured the Giants would crap the bed, and scheduled an ironic mp3 song to blare at full volume at the approximate end of the Chargers-Giants game...

7:33 pm: Royshonda Williams gets one of his nails did.

7:40 pm: I don't know if Barbie was in on 3rd down, but perhaps the ghost of BC inspired Sensabaugh to intercept the McNabb pass.

7:41 pm: Choicecat

7:44 pm: Don't eat off the Ogletree

7:46 pm:
Don't eat off the Ogle-orchard.

7:47 pm: Choicecat II, for a TD. I like this Jason Garrett guy.

7:55 pm: Still no sight of Barbie. Was he suspended for interrupting the team prayer with iHelmet music? Suspended for buying Roy an iHelmet? Is he in the restroom?

7:59 pm: THERE HE IS! Bobby saunters in on the punt coverage, but is eager to get back to the sidelines, where he has stolen Wes Phillip's new Segway and Bobby got himself a new iHelmet app, that simulates a bike racer. He is seen rolling on the sidelines at 2 mph and mumbling "Nyeowwwwwww, Vrooom neyooohhh" Royshonda shakes his head, but is jealous on the inside.

8:01 pm: Before the game, Bobby made sure to load up on as much water, Gatorade, and Skoal as possible. Why water and Gatorade? Well, homemade urine bombs, of course. Why Skoal? Because any fool knows Skoal increases football ability. Just ask Keith Brooking. And so while the offense, or 1st and 2nd down defense, is on the field, Bobby begins loading up a decent arsenal of loaded ziplock baggies.

8:05 pm: Bobby, excited about his plan, stops Leonard Weaver before he gets the first down. The credit is given to Ken Hamlin, then the play is called back. Bobby scowls at the referees.

8:08 pm:
Royshonda Williams gets 2 nails did.

8:12 pm: Instead of being on the field in the first quarter, Bobby was in the stands bartering autographed goods for a t-shirt cannon from some high school kid. The kid, not knowing any better, thought Bobby was AJ Hawk. Bobby, loving his new-found celebrity, obliged and didn't correct the teenager. One t-shirt gun in exchange for autographed t-shirts: success. The plan is coming together.

8:21 pm: Bobby makes it on the field covering Brent Celek, and does so by just kinda grabbing him and begging for a piggy back ride like a small child. Celek, annoyed, takes himself mentally out of the game to tell bobby to take his "goddamned ritalin"

8:24 pm:
Choicecat III

8:27 pm: Choicecat IV

8:32 pm: Dallas is forced to punt on 4th down and lands the ball deep inside the 5! Bobby strolls onto the view of the camera, nodding with approval... unfortunately, #89 didn't have his head in the game, Dallas has to rekick, Desean Jackson takes it out at the 16. And Bobby didn't even get to walk onto the scene a second after the whistle blew.

8:40 pm:
Igor Olshansky strong like bull.

8:45 pm: Philly drains the clock by running on 3rd down. Bobby walks up, acknowledges a tackle has been made, and walks back.

8:54 pm: Don't picnic in the Ogle-park.

8:59 pm:
With halftime coming up, Bobby is capitalizing on his time on the sideline. His iHelmet equipped with a cloaking device, he lurks on the Eagles sideline, scouting out his target: the t-shirt shooter. Much to his suprise, Bobby recognizes Andy Reid's young son as the t-shirt guy from his stint in rehab. Bobby was there for his addiction to ponytail-ing. That's putting peoples hair in ponytails when they aren't expecting it, and then telling them how good they look.

9:17 pm: Flag on the second down play as Brooking deflects a pass. Pass interference? Who threw that flag? Wait, it wasn't a flag? It was a ziplock of urine? Who could devise such a plan and THEN put it into action? Bobby laughs maniacally and then realizes he has to get on-field soon.

9:18 pm: Third down, Bobcat on the tackle. Suck it.

9:21 pm: Bobby trys to get a hand on McNabb, but thinks he's just too pretty, and can't harm such an innocent face. Not without a t-shirt shooter, anyway. The TD buys more time for him on the sidelines. Mission resumes.

9:31 pm: Romo interception. Bobby gets pissed and fires a ziplock of urine into the stands.

9:33 pm: Bobby is pissed the defense gave up a 1st down, meaning he has to wait at least 2 more plays before coming in. One more bag of urine at Philly fans.

9:35 pm:
12 men on the field for the Cowboys. The team is falling apart. It appears that we've quit. In response, Royshonda contemplates a pedicure after the 3rd quarter, saying, "it's not like I've quit, the balls just aren't there."

9:47 pm:
After the challenge and subsequent false start, to show appreciation for the Eagles jumping offsides, Bobby shoots over some black tar heroine to the Reid family. Here comes the downward spiral.

9:49 pm:
Jones to Samuel: "Asante means thank you in swahili, bitch"

9:53 pm:
Royshonda gets 3 nails did.

9:58 pm: Michael Jenkins pulls a PrimeTime.

9:59 pm:
Royshonda gets 4 nails did.

10:00 pm: False start, Marc Columbo, 2 shouts-out for him tonight. Bobby uses the sound of whistles to mask the boom of his t-shirt cannon turned urine bag launcher. Look out, row 21. Shallow deliveries mean maximum splash.

10:01 pm: Royshonda gets a hand did.

10:08 pm:
Buehler makes a solid, linebacker-esque tackle. He's only 3 finesse points away from taking Bobby's job.

10:11 pm: Feeling Buehler creeping up the depth chart, Bobby unleashes his special Animorphs animal, the Bobcat, in the huddle. He unleashes it all over that Eagle and makes the tackle.

10:14 pm: Winston Justice gives a shout out to Flo's girl. You can't leave that number just anywhere, Flo.

10:23 pm: After the officials flunk Reid's challenge, the stadium erupts in shock and boos. Bobby returns the boos with bags of urine, this time packed 4 ziplocks deep for scatter. In effect, shotgun.

10:27 pm:
Miles Austin breaks away for the TD, and Royshonda breaks a nail on his pointer finger in anger, which he holds straight in the air. Unfortunatly, most miscontrue this motion as a "We're number 1" gesture. Bobby is seen hussling to get Roy a bandage and a nice story to take his mind off the pain.

10:31 pm:
Igor Olshansky strong like 2 bulls, but then one bull runs away with a holding call.

10:32 pm:
Igor Olshansky strong like 2 bulls once again.

10:36 pm: Victor Butler trips up Donovan McNabb. Bobby feels more competition. Maybe if he makes jokes, he'll look better by comparison?

10:50 pm: Yesterday, Bobby crept into the Linc and rerouted all of the plumbing to funnel the urine through filters and into one main tank. At the instant the game clock rang 0:00, Bobby pushed one button and set off a series of urine fireworks around the top of the stadium, as well as firing the remaining bags into the crowd, especially at people foolish enough to wear Penn State gear.

The Cowboys escape with a win and the NFC East lead. Good night.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Week 9 in the NFL

Alex and Chris pick the weekend's NFL games.


Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Halloween, but a bit late

In honor of this years Halloween, I want to do a little experiment.

Shante Carver has been mentioned on this blog more than once, and he is known to have read it and actually responded to a few of our less-than-flattering posts. So, as a test, I want to see if I can lure him back, Beatlejuice style.

Ready? Here goes:

Shante Carver sucks, Shante Carver sucks, Shanter Carver sucks.

With any luck, he'll pop out of my mirror and attempt to sack me.

Monday, November 2, 2009


Congratulations on the 2nd sack of your career, Bobcat.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Barbie Watch, week 8

Every week, Alex and Chris follow the sideline and on-the-field exploits of former first round pick, Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. This week, we're back in Dallas and the Seattle Seahawks come to town. All locations Dallas unless otherwise stated.

11:46 pm: Pregrame warmups, and Buehler's already yawning off the lowly Seahawks. Word on the street is, he went searching this week for the legendary Seahawk, and when he found out one didn't exist, he devised a plan to fuse human DNA, Hawk DNA, and seawater to create one. There's only one thing he's missing, and he knows just the clueless linebacker to take it from.

12:10 pm: Julius Jones is back with a vengance in Big D. Too bad his vengance is good for negative yardage.

12:11 pm: Bobby C. wrangles TJ Who's-Your-Momma just after he gets the first down. Bobby lives to see another play. Buehler bides his time.

12:15 pm: Maybe I spoke too soon? Defense is looking like the Defense of old. Julius Jones is shredding us for big gains. Bobby is soon lobbying for more playing time, all while being stalked by Buehler, who has taken a page from the Dexter Morgan playbook. He has also been seen stroking his mustache deviously.

12:17 pm: Bobby Down, and the pass is thrown right to him. Stephen Bowen LOVES the blog, though, so he doesn't let the INT happen.

12:20 pm: Royshonda Williams is back on the field. The fans have already begun to boo. I think that's Dallas' new favorite passtime, showing displeasure. Let's see if Roy can get more than 3 catches today. My over-under is 2.

12:27 pm: Sam Hurd with the long TD catch and run, and Roy Williams was off the field for the last 2 plays. Intersting. Paying a guy 45 million dollars to benchwarm.

12:28 pm: Royshonda is seen asking Bobby where he got the iHelmet. Bobby walks towards the edge of the sideline to get Royshonda the information, when Buehler pops out and sticks him in the neck with a needle and draws some blood. He has the DNA he needs, now for the kickoffs. Bobby comes back to Roy holding his neck, and Roy immediatly thinks he's been bit by a vampire. "How fortunate" he thinks, "I've always wanted to meet Robert Pattison"

12:30 pm: An excited Buehler makes the tackle. Now off to the lab.....

12:34 pm: Bobby in on the play, and just kinda runs an O-Lineman into Justin Forsett. He'll take credit for that fumble, thank you.

12:36 pm: Royshonda stats: 1 Catch, 12 yards, 3 tears.

12:43 pm: The Cowboys march right down the field for a score. Buehler has to run back from his secret underground lair below Cowboys stadium for the kickoff.

12:48 pm: Bobby Carpenter is seen in coverage, but covers what appears to be another cowboy. May have even been holding his hand. Bobby attributes it to blood loss.

12:49 pm: Bobby chews some Skoal to get his energy and concentration back up.

12:51 pm: Bobby is placed out as a wide receiver, directly over John Carlson and actually has GOOD coverage. Too bad he sapped some coverage ability from Orlando Scandrick. TD Seahawks.

1:06 pm: Field Goal is no good, 14-10 Cowboys. Romo has gone 100 passes without an INT, which is a Farve-tastic miricle. This game has taken a momentum shift. To compensate, Buehler has begun the process of hybridization. We'll see if the Hawk body accepts the hybrid Bobby-DNA.

1:10 pm: Bobby just got a sack! David Buehler has just realized that he accidentally injected hybrid DNA into Bobby, instead of taking it from him. "What have I done....what have I done" says Buehler in horror.

1:15 pm: Flozell gives a shout out to a girl back home. *correction* It was a neutral zone infraction. Flo's shoutout goes unnoticed.

1:17 pm: Another obvious shoutout goes unnoticed. Admittedly, that was a bad call.

1:27 pm: Enthused by Bobby's sack, and the newly ordered iHelmet, Royshonda scores on a slant route. Roy comes to the sideline and is offered some Skoal. Being from Texas, Roy accepts, even though he's never tried before. Hilarity set to ensue.

1:32 pm: Halftime, and the Cowboys lead 21-10. We've seen hybridization, chewing tobacco, secret lairs, and suprising plays by busted players. What will the second half bring? Probably just some of Bobby listening to Coldplay, and introducing Roy to some essential iHelmet apps.

1:48 pm: Igor Olshanksy strong like bull.

1:51 pm: Bobby is back to being Bobby. Misses the tackle and just looks at Julius as he runs by him. "Hey, I think I know that guy"

1:53 pm: Bobby again on the blitz and actually gets the edge. The hybrid vigor is going strong. Buehler is roaming the sidelines with fake halloween angel wings, hoping to surgically attach them to Bobby. The experiment isn't over yet.

1:58 pm: Both Bobby and Buehler are in on punt team coverage. Bobby jogs down the sideline lazily as Buehler is in on the Bob-style tackle, 3 seconds late. This game is throwing all kinds of twists into the expected. Buehler then quickly runs back to the sideline and grabs his wings, and hides in a gatorade container, in hopes that Bobby has to urinate at some point.

2:02 pm: Bobby on the tackle with the screen pass and forces a 4th down. Crayton contemplates whether or not he'll catch the punt.

2:15 pm: Miles Austin catches yet another touchdown pass on the year. This guy is for real. Roy was on the sideline again, listening to "All By Myself" and crying on Wes Phillip's shoulder. Meanwhile, Buehler catches Bobby, and attempts to attach the wings. In the scuffle, there's a mixup and the wings end up on a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. There is now a surgically altered permanent slutty-angel on the field.

2:20 pm: On Bobby Down, Bobby falls into coverage as shut down linebacker and watches the play a few yards away. Bobby's pysche, however, forces a hard hit on Hasselbeck and might take him out of the game.

2:25 pm: Keith Brooking chews some Skoal.

2:34 pm: Royshonda appears to just not understand Romo, or more probably, Romo just doesn't understand Royshonda. Royshonda needs to be pampered. Taken out every once in awhile. You know, be shown that Tony loves him. Maybe flowers. Is that too much to ask?

2:41 pm: Bobby performs his statue move and then just stands around on first down. Fatigue is setting in.

2:42 pm: Hasselbeck tests Bobby, and gets burned. Incomplete pass.

2:57 pm: Bobby wraps up the ballcarrier, and we're wrapping up the game. Have a nice evening, everyone.

Week 8 in the NFL

Picks this week for Chris: Minnesota over Green Bay, New Orleans over Atlanta, Tennesee over Jacksonville, Dallas over Seattle, New York Giants over Philly, Chicago over Cleveland, Indianapolis over San Fransisco, Detroit over St. Louis, Baltimore over Denver, Houston over Buffalo, Miami over the New York Jets, San Diego over Oakland, and Arizona over Carolina.

Picks this week for Alex: Denver over Baltimore, Houston over Buffalo, Chicago over Cleveland, Dallas over Seattle, Miami over New York Jets, San Fransisco over Indianapolis, New York Giants over Philly, Detroit over St. Louis, San Diego over Oakland, Jacksonville over Tennesee, Minnesota over Green Bay, Arizona over Carolina, Atlanta over New Orleans.