Sunday, November 8, 2009

Barbie Watch, Week 9

Every week, Alex and Chris track the highs and lows of former first round pick Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. Today, the Dallas Cowboys challenge the Eagles in the city of Benjamin Franklin and Mike Mamula. Action occurs in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, at Dallas Standard Time, unless stated otherwise.

6:39 pm: Barbie's iHelmet backfires and plays Jay-Z's "Empire State of Mind" during the silence of the non-denominational team pre-game prayer. You see, he figured the Giants would crap the bed, and scheduled an ironic mp3 song to blare at full volume at the approximate end of the Chargers-Giants game...

7:33 pm: Royshonda Williams gets one of his nails did.

7:40 pm: I don't know if Barbie was in on 3rd down, but perhaps the ghost of BC inspired Sensabaugh to intercept the McNabb pass.

7:41 pm: Choicecat

7:44 pm: Don't eat off the Ogletree

7:46 pm:
Don't eat off the Ogle-orchard.

7:47 pm: Choicecat II, for a TD. I like this Jason Garrett guy.

7:55 pm: Still no sight of Barbie. Was he suspended for interrupting the team prayer with iHelmet music? Suspended for buying Roy an iHelmet? Is he in the restroom?

7:59 pm: THERE HE IS! Bobby saunters in on the punt coverage, but is eager to get back to the sidelines, where he has stolen Wes Phillip's new Segway and Bobby got himself a new iHelmet app, that simulates a bike racer. He is seen rolling on the sidelines at 2 mph and mumbling "Nyeowwwwwww, Vrooom neyooohhh" Royshonda shakes his head, but is jealous on the inside.

8:01 pm: Before the game, Bobby made sure to load up on as much water, Gatorade, and Skoal as possible. Why water and Gatorade? Well, homemade urine bombs, of course. Why Skoal? Because any fool knows Skoal increases football ability. Just ask Keith Brooking. And so while the offense, or 1st and 2nd down defense, is on the field, Bobby begins loading up a decent arsenal of loaded ziplock baggies.

8:05 pm: Bobby, excited about his plan, stops Leonard Weaver before he gets the first down. The credit is given to Ken Hamlin, then the play is called back. Bobby scowls at the referees.

8:08 pm:
Royshonda Williams gets 2 nails did.

8:12 pm: Instead of being on the field in the first quarter, Bobby was in the stands bartering autographed goods for a t-shirt cannon from some high school kid. The kid, not knowing any better, thought Bobby was AJ Hawk. Bobby, loving his new-found celebrity, obliged and didn't correct the teenager. One t-shirt gun in exchange for autographed t-shirts: success. The plan is coming together.

8:21 pm: Bobby makes it on the field covering Brent Celek, and does so by just kinda grabbing him and begging for a piggy back ride like a small child. Celek, annoyed, takes himself mentally out of the game to tell bobby to take his "goddamned ritalin"

8:24 pm:
Choicecat III

8:27 pm: Choicecat IV

8:32 pm: Dallas is forced to punt on 4th down and lands the ball deep inside the 5! Bobby strolls onto the view of the camera, nodding with approval... unfortunately, #89 didn't have his head in the game, Dallas has to rekick, Desean Jackson takes it out at the 16. And Bobby didn't even get to walk onto the scene a second after the whistle blew.

8:40 pm:
Igor Olshansky strong like bull.

8:45 pm: Philly drains the clock by running on 3rd down. Bobby walks up, acknowledges a tackle has been made, and walks back.

8:54 pm: Don't picnic in the Ogle-park.

8:59 pm:
With halftime coming up, Bobby is capitalizing on his time on the sideline. His iHelmet equipped with a cloaking device, he lurks on the Eagles sideline, scouting out his target: the t-shirt shooter. Much to his suprise, Bobby recognizes Andy Reid's young son as the t-shirt guy from his stint in rehab. Bobby was there for his addiction to ponytail-ing. That's putting peoples hair in ponytails when they aren't expecting it, and then telling them how good they look.

9:17 pm: Flag on the second down play as Brooking deflects a pass. Pass interference? Who threw that flag? Wait, it wasn't a flag? It was a ziplock of urine? Who could devise such a plan and THEN put it into action? Bobby laughs maniacally and then realizes he has to get on-field soon.

9:18 pm: Third down, Bobcat on the tackle. Suck it.

9:21 pm: Bobby trys to get a hand on McNabb, but thinks he's just too pretty, and can't harm such an innocent face. Not without a t-shirt shooter, anyway. The TD buys more time for him on the sidelines. Mission resumes.

9:31 pm: Romo interception. Bobby gets pissed and fires a ziplock of urine into the stands.

9:33 pm: Bobby is pissed the defense gave up a 1st down, meaning he has to wait at least 2 more plays before coming in. One more bag of urine at Philly fans.

9:35 pm:
12 men on the field for the Cowboys. The team is falling apart. It appears that we've quit. In response, Royshonda contemplates a pedicure after the 3rd quarter, saying, "it's not like I've quit, the balls just aren't there."

9:47 pm:
After the challenge and subsequent false start, to show appreciation for the Eagles jumping offsides, Bobby shoots over some black tar heroine to the Reid family. Here comes the downward spiral.

9:49 pm:
Jones to Samuel: "Asante means thank you in swahili, bitch"

9:53 pm:
Royshonda gets 3 nails did.

9:58 pm: Michael Jenkins pulls a PrimeTime.

9:59 pm:
Royshonda gets 4 nails did.

10:00 pm: False start, Marc Columbo, 2 shouts-out for him tonight. Bobby uses the sound of whistles to mask the boom of his t-shirt cannon turned urine bag launcher. Look out, row 21. Shallow deliveries mean maximum splash.

10:01 pm: Royshonda gets a hand did.

10:08 pm:
Buehler makes a solid, linebacker-esque tackle. He's only 3 finesse points away from taking Bobby's job.

10:11 pm: Feeling Buehler creeping up the depth chart, Bobby unleashes his special Animorphs animal, the Bobcat, in the huddle. He unleashes it all over that Eagle and makes the tackle.

10:14 pm: Winston Justice gives a shout out to Flo's girl. You can't leave that number just anywhere, Flo.

10:23 pm: After the officials flunk Reid's challenge, the stadium erupts in shock and boos. Bobby returns the boos with bags of urine, this time packed 4 ziplocks deep for scatter. In effect, shotgun.

10:27 pm:
Miles Austin breaks away for the TD, and Royshonda breaks a nail on his pointer finger in anger, which he holds straight in the air. Unfortunatly, most miscontrue this motion as a "We're number 1" gesture. Bobby is seen hussling to get Roy a bandage and a nice story to take his mind off the pain.

10:31 pm:
Igor Olshansky strong like 2 bulls, but then one bull runs away with a holding call.

10:32 pm:
Igor Olshansky strong like 2 bulls once again.

10:36 pm: Victor Butler trips up Donovan McNabb. Bobby feels more competition. Maybe if he makes jokes, he'll look better by comparison?

10:50 pm: Yesterday, Bobby crept into the Linc and rerouted all of the plumbing to funnel the urine through filters and into one main tank. At the instant the game clock rang 0:00, Bobby pushed one button and set off a series of urine fireworks around the top of the stadium, as well as firing the remaining bags into the crowd, especially at people foolish enough to wear Penn State gear.

The Cowboys escape with a win and the NFC East lead. Good night.

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