Sunday, December 27, 2009

Barbie Watch, Week 16

Every week, Alex and Chris track the highs and lows of former first round pick Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. Tonight, America's Team travels to Washington (but really Maryland) to take on the Redskins. Action occurs in Landover, Maryland, at Dallas Standard Time, unless stated otherwise.

7:08 pm: Bobby runs onto the field for stretches in the familiar Dallas home whites, only to see Albert Haynesworth practice-stomping-on-faces-- IN WHITE.

Oh, you cheeky Redskins. Forcing the Cowboys into bad luck blue.

Bobby runs back inside to change and sees the rest of the Dallas squad in blue. Apparently the push feature on his iHelmet is off.

7:30 pm: This bad luck blue stunt by Washington might backfire. Dallas (in dark jerseys) could end up absorbing more heat from the stadium lights than Washington could (in whites). I think it's 37 degrees out tonight. We'll see if jersey color has any effect on the game.

7:32 pm: At least 3 Washington Redskins on offense have introduced themselves in the lineup with their high school alma maters. It's a shame they didn't even attend college.

7:33 pm: Bullsh. Dallas allows Washington to convert a 2nd down, keeping Bobby off the field for a couple more downs.

7:34 pm: All Dallas defenders introduced themselves with colleges. Good.

7:35 pm: Terence Newman with an interception off a deflection! 1 angry Dave Campo.

7:36 pm: Carpenter congratulates Newman, but is secretly pissed he has to wait another possession before gametime.

7:36 pm: Royshonda is wearing a Texas Longhorns cap in his player intro. Really? I forgot you went to UT, especially after each of those Hook 'Em handsigns you throw up after touchdowns. To Roy's credit, a Redskin wore his Wisconsin hat in his intro. But still.

7:38 pm: Dallas unleashes one leg of its running back Cerberus, Felix Jones. Jones down to the Redskin 10.

7:39 pm: What a shame, a Washington defender didn't even have a high school alma mater, just a hometown. Kudos to him for overcoming his educational deficits and making it to the League. I hope he gets his GED someday.

7:40 pm: Romo escapes a Redskin swarm and finds Royshonda in the back corner for a touchdown. Royshonda, with one great nail did, does his obligatory Hook 'Em gesture.

Suisham's point after makes it 7-0, Dallas.

7:40 pm: Barbie finds the camera on the sidelines and walks directly in front of it with his hair down for 5 long seconds. It's time to let it all hang out. No more ponytail. He has better crimps in his hair than a junior high girl at her school dance.

7:43 pm: Barbie sneaks in for a tackle on the kickoff return. I don't know if he was there to begin with, but he ended up on top of the Redskin returner. It's gotta be the hair.

7:44 pm: On the sidelines, Royshonda decides to tell everyone about Forbes' latest rankings of the most valuable college football programs. Texas came in at #1 this year. Royshonda enjoyed examining the numbers, but was disappointed that nail and hair care wasn't getting as much funding as it used to in Austin. Kids these days, huh?

7:45 pm: Mike Jenkins wedges his way into an offensive pass interference call and does his incomplete hands. Santana Moss pulled Jenkins down by one of his incomplete arms.

7:49 pm: Jay Ratliff COLLIDES with Jason Campbell and lays him out for the sack. All that potential energy became kinetic in a hurry.

7:53 pm: Haynesworth is double-teamed, partly to protect Romo, partly to protect Gurode.

7:54 pm: London Fletcher gets away with an arm to the helmet.

7:57 pm: Al Michaels makes a General Sherman reference. Yesssss.

7:58 pm: It's finally 3rd down! Bobby down! Dallas sends Bobby on a blitz from the line and gets decent penetration. Instead, Ware is called for holding and it's 1st down again. Boy, if I had a dollar for every time Bobby gets penetration and Ware holds...

8:00 pm: Frustrated at the conversions on 2nd down, Bobby checks out Royshonda's Forbes article on his Kindle.

Bobby: Hey, Roy, does this thing have any filters?

Roy: Nah, man, it's clear.

Bobby winks, then runs off to a corner to see if the Kindle can handle some... mpegs.

8:01 pm: Anthony Spencer is called for offsides on 2nd down. Washington proceeds to convert many 1st downs.

8:03 pm: Bruce Allen gets facetime. Bruce, son of overrated coach George Allen, and brother of George Allen, Jr., noted racial slur-er. Fitting that the employer's mascot is the Redskin.

8:05 pm: Igor Olshansky, strong like bull. This ushers in 3rd down, which means...

8:06 pm: And Bobby takes the absolute worst angle to make a tackle on the running Redskin, then trips. Perfect.

8:10 pm: Felix Jones gets a cool 10+ yards. Thank you, Doug Free.

Apparently, Jones is averaging a cool 6.6 yards a carry, which is 2nd highest in NFL history? Neat. I'll take that.

8:13 pm: Despite Witten's magnetic dominatrix gloves, Dallas has to punt. McBriar booms a good punt far, where it's fumbled out of bounds by hapless Washington.

8:17 pm: Keith Brooking bats down a pass, which means BOBBY DOWN.

8:18 pm: Intimidated by and insecure about the presence of Bobby Carpenter, Washington takes a timeout. Bobby is now a game-changer.

8:19 pm: Cris Collinsworth makes a Hulk Hogan reference right before BOBBY CARPENTER BRINGS PRESSURE ON CAMPBELL. Bobby mouths, "Nice one, Campbell Soup. No, Campbell Poop," to Campbell after the whistle and runs off. Unfortunately, it's a little hard to read lips when you make really long sentences, so the effect is lost on Campbell.

8:22 pm: Vintage Marion Barber on the carry, more interested in hitting people than vertical progress, but still a 6 yard carry.

8:23 pm: 2 Smiles Austin.

8:23 pm: HUGE RECEPTION by Jason Witten, good for 69 yards to the Redskin 3.

8:24 pm: Romo calls an audible and unleashes the Cerberus head of his choice, Marion Barber, with a draw for the touchdown. Hot. Dallas goes up, 14-0.

8:28 pm: Ken Hamlin makes a play to remind us he's still in the NFL.

8:29 pm: Bobby gets in on a semi-late hit, which are like most of his hits, since he prefers not to make the initial tackle.

8:34 pm: Romo evades a guaranteed-sack on 3rd down and gets a huge 17-yard throw to Miles, who has 3 Smiles Austin.

8:35 pm: Choicecat I becomes a reverse to Austin which becomes a 14-yard loss. Never again.

8:36 pm: Untimely interception off a tip from rough coverage on Royshonda, definitely one broken nail.

8:39 pm: AMAZING. Igor Olshansky and Anthony Spencer team up for a sack on Jason Campbell. Spencer strips Campbell and Marcus Spears falls on it, but the play is under review.

Igor Olshansky, strong like 2 bulls. Anthony Spencer gives Washington a lava lamp that changes colors.

8:41 pm: Washington keeps the ball, but it's 2nd and 23. Collinsworth continues to ride Campbell for poor 3-step drop decisions.

8:50 pm: Back to back receptions by Witten and the magnetic gloves.

8:51 pm: Royshonda breaks another nail, this time by looking away before he makes the catch. Horns down.

8:54 pm: Ah, Smiles! Run out of bounds! Time expires, Dallas takes a 14-0 lead into halftime.


9:10 pm: 6 Smiles Austin.

9:10 pm: Jason Witten, becoming a common shout-out-er to Lady Flo.

9:12 pm: ChoiceCat II, sans Smiles Reverse.

9:13 pm: Gurode down in a Haynesworth-unrelated incident. Taking a breather. Meanwhile, Marion Barber is stopped on a 4th and 1 run, with much help from Haynesworth.

9:17 pm: This has been a relatively quiet night for Bobby. Perhaps the wear and tear of the season, plus the stress, plus the absence of a familiar friend from Oakland, are weighing too heavily on him. Jamarcus, come home.

9:20 pm: Orlando Scandrick absolutely destroys Campbell's back on a corner blitz. Injury break.

9:27 pm: Dallas is slowly but surely marching down the field after being pinned inside that 10. Witten brings it past the 30. Felix follows it up with a nice 6-yard run.

9:29 pm: 7 Smiles Austin.

9:31 pm: Disinterested safeties equals draw play for Marion Barber.

9:31 pm: 8 Smiles Austin.

9:34 pm: Collinsworth: Dallas has one of the biggest offensives lines in captivity.

And Dallas is stopped on 4th and short again.

9:42 pm: Collinsworth continues to point out Campbell's shortcomings. Washington punts.

9:48 pm: You know how the old Roy Williams was known for horse-collaring? I think LaRon Landry is a fan of grabbing the opponent's neck and doing a flip forward. Dirty.

9:49 pm: Tashard Choice is hit hard by Carlos Rogers. Now I think Washington is just trying to injure as many Cowboys as possible.

9:52 pm: 9 Smiles Austin.

9:56 pm: A Suisham field goal makes it 17-0, Dallas.

10:02 pm: Carpenter is in for garbage time, but makes zero effort to get to the runner, since someone else already has him.

10:02 pm: Carpenter makes a so-so tackle on Cartwright. He has to because no one else could get there sooner.

10:04 pm: Great deflection by Bobby!-- wait, that's Brooking.

10:09 pm: Dallas is in full kill mode now, running the ball and going to town on that clock.


10:17 pm: Barbie was in on a tackle, but it was credited to Bradie James, since he probably did more to earn it.

The Washington Redskins have never gone consecutive games without an offensive touchdown against the Dallas Cowboys. Until tonight SO FAR KNOCK ON WOOD.

10:21 pm: Earlier tonight, NBC played Yellowcard. Now they're playing some Strokes. They've discovered my high school cd collection.

10:24 pm: Jay Ratliff picks up sack #2 on Campbell. Incomplete pass on the next play leads to a turnover on downs with 26 seconds left. Game over.

Dallas pulls out another December victory. Apparently we traded September for December.

Dallas is peaking at just the right time and clinches a playoff berth tonight. Dallas can be anything from the 2 seed to the 6 seed. The winner of next week's home finale against Philadelphia will be the NFC East champion. Good night, and enjoy Victory Monday.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Week 16

Alex and Chris pick the weekend's NFL games.


Saturday, December 19, 2009

Barbie Watch, Week 15

Every week, Chris and Alex follow the goings on of former first round pick Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. This week, The Boys head down to the Big Easy for what will amount to a very difficult game, and probably a blowout. All locations Superdome unless otherwise stated.

7:07 pm: Confused as to why they call it "The Big Easy", Barbie goes around polling the local females as to whether or not they'd sleep with him. All say no, Bobby goes back to the sideline crying, and uses his iHelmet to call Kharli Whetstone. "Hey Cowboy," she responds.....

7:17 pm: Coin toss, Saints on offense, preceded by a moment of silence for the fallen Chris Henry, former teammate of Jon Kitna. Kitna is emotional and primed to play an emotional game, probably the game of his career. As typical for both Jon Kitna's career and a Dallas Cowboys december, Tony Romo is still the starting quarterback.


Bobby, confused, thinks Wade just said Jamarcus, and bolts onto the field with an energy not seen since his Big Ten days. Bobby is sent in on 3rd down (along with Demarcus Ware) and contains the Saints. Punt time. Dallas is on pace for a shut-out.

7:29 pm: My goodness. I'm confused....That was Marques Colston in a Miles Austin jersey right? JaMarcus Folk on for the PA and makes it........The comedy has been overtaken by excitement.

7:36 pm: The third down Bobby-Ware combo is wreaking some havok, that's two 3 and outs on a POTENT offense. Bobby seeks congratulations from a still hurt DeMarcus, to which D responds "Go find your lover, his name starts with a J. If you confuse us, I WILL end you."

7:40 pm: Royshonda gets a nail did, and Matt Millen praises him. "He's the same number 1 pick he was when he was in Detroit." nice job, matt.

7:41 pm: 2 Smiles Austin.

7:42 pm: 3 Smiles Austin.

7:45 pm: Choicecat I

7:46 pm: What is going on here? Who are these teams? Dallas marches right down the field and punches it in with a Marion Barber run. Big Flo congratulates Barber with a hard chest shove (Elaine Benes style), knocking Marion down. Maybe Flo is more like the Looney Tunes Abominable Snowman than we realize.

Dallas leads 14-0. Huh?

7:51 pm: Anthony Spencer with a well-timed sack! That's 1 fat naked woman on a motorcycle (Spencer's Gifts? Eh?).

7:52 pm: Once again, Dallas forces a punt. More shock.

8:00 pm: End of the first quarter. Dallas 14, New Orleans 0.

8:03 pm: Royshonda, the best first round pick ever according to our analysts, breaks a nail on 3rd down. We got for it on 4th down, because JaMarcus Folk is busy eating crawfish, but first a timeout is called. Hold please.

8:06 pm: Royshonda gets bumped late by Mike McKenzie and finds his broken nail. 1st down.

8:09 pm: Tony takes another sack, and can't find two streaking receivers downfield. Wade dissappears looking for his shades. Those are some bright lights.

8:12 pm: The second quarter comes along, and the REAL cowboys are back with a jump offsides. Thankfully, the Saints are a giving group, as Colston drops a ball.

8:18 pm: Bobcat in on the big play, and just before the snap he runs to the other side of the play, knowing he didn't wanna get caught up with Colston, leaving Brooking out in the cold. Bobby is in for some trouble after this series....

8:21 pm: Shut-down finesse corner/linebacker Bobby was in on coverage on 3rd down and prevents the Saints receiver from making a play. No flag. Saints opt for the field goal. Dallas 14, New Orleans 3.

8:25 pm: Holding on Big Flo, and we're backed up, and losing our momentum. Meanwhile, on the sideline, Keith brooking is giving Bobby a piece of his mind for leaving him alone against a WR. Bobby started rambling on about how he was right, and Brooking was too enamored with his dip, and how he and Jeremy Shockey should go kiss or something. Brooking walks away to go talk to Buehler, while Bobcat shoots a look over to Wes Phillips as a kind of "I told you so"

8:31 pm: Why is Flozell having such a poor game? Could it be that he's surrounded by women, alcohol, and so much temptation this weekend? Is he screwing up as the ultimate I Love You to Lady Flo? Or is he shouting out to newer women of questionable repute?

8:33 pm: Mike Jenkins drops a pass, and as it hits the ground, he shakes his hands "No, not in this house"

8:35 pm: For the first time this year, Bobby C. is getting picked on, and Brooking is seemingly out of the game. The Cowboys are opting for finesse over skill. The Saints are putting on a show.

8:39 pm: Mike Jenkins ATONES! TD prevented and his 5th interception. Jenkins meanwhile is ticked off, because the pass was completed. no shakes for this one. Also, somewhere, a phong is ringing.

8:46 pm: "It's DeMarcus, with a D! Take that, Bobcat! Go sit down!"

JaMarcus Folk is worried he might have to kick here.

8:53 pm: Hey, JaMarcus Folk just made a FG! That's one pound of broiled crawfish for Folk.

8:55 pm: Halftime, and Brooking manages to sneak off to talk dip with an injured Jeremey Shockey. Shockey meets him at midfield with a congratulatory can of copenhagen, while Brooking offers up a tin of new Camel snus, as a "feel better, you suck" gesture. Shockey, infuriated, spits on Brookings shoes. Brooking fires back, but a bit higher, at the knees. This battle continues through 1/2 of halftime, or as I call it, quartertime. When both parties return to the locker room, covered in brownish smelly spit, there were varied reactions. The saints think Shockey got beat just like they were, meanwhile, Wesley Phillips and Bobby C. know exactly the ploy Keith was using. The cowboys now have the saints secret juice, though it is covering the body of Keith Brooking. To no suprise, Bobby volunteers to clean him off and collect the juice. The rest of the team sits there disgusted. Who knows what this means for the second half, but it sure is intriguing.

9:10 pm: 5 Smiles Austin.

9:13 pm: Don't eat off the OGLETREE.

9:14 pm: John Phillips, the 3rd cousin.

9:21 pm: Dallas eats 7 minutes off the clock and punches in another Marion Barber touchdown to go up 24-3.

Bobby, meanwhile, has successfully isolated the Saints' secret chemical weapon from Shockey's dip and is preparing a batch for the team on the sideline.

9:25 pm: Spencer gets a sack on Brees, but it's canceled out by Scandrick's hands to the face. On the very next play, Spencer gets his sack back. One fart machine, courtesy Spencer's Gifts.

9:27 pm: Jenkins gets a text on his phong. Incomplete hands.

9:33 pm: 6 Smiles Austin. And a sweet 1,000 yards receiving.

9:36 pm: Bobby C is jacked up and ready to go back into the game, and remind Devery Henderson about just how big his dropped TD was. Meanwhile, David Buehler is still plotting to get Bobby back for that one pass against Colston in the first half. Brainstorming Buehler thinks Colostomy bags.... You know, 'cause it's kinda close to Colston.

9:43 pm: Bobby C, with Jenkins out, shows his finesse. He doesn't get a text to his phong, but does have incomplete hands.

9:45 pm: Bobby Carpenter played every snap on that drive, with Brooking still in the special sauce strainer, and NO scores its first TD. 24-10 Cowboys. I fear the comeback.

9:51 pm: Don't eat out of the ogle-orchard.

9:55 pm: Royshonda just broke his THUMB nail on that third down. A collapse is looming.

10:03 pm: A collapse looming, Buehler gets a grand idea. With Bobby now on the sidelines for some time, he grabs his recently frozen colostomy bag and heads towards our hero. After a short time of convincing Bobby to stick his tongue out and kiss a Saints fan for good luck, he quickly exchanges the fan for the bag, and Bobby's tongue sticks fast. Embarassed, Bobby sits next to Royshonda and turns on his iHelmet speakers. They blare "All By Myself" not seeing the irony.

10:09 pm: 7 smiles for Austin, and John Phillips, 5th cousin.

10:16 pm: Nick Folk has officially just been cut.

10:19 pm: Jason Elam and Martin Gramatica have just been contacted by Jerry Jones. Billy Cundiff is sitting at home screaming at Parcells for ever cutting him.

10:25 pm: After a few impotent pass rushes, someone on Dallas finally disrupts Brees-- one more gift from Spencer! Enjoy the vibrating cucumber, New Orleans.


10:32 pm: And with the Ware stunt, this game is over. Dallas escapes New Orleans with a win and stays alive for one more week, meaning Dallas can have one more week of bipolar fandom. Also, Dallas ruins New Orleans' hopes for perfection. I smell a night of partying on Bourbon Street for Bobby and Jamarcus, who skipped this week's team meetings to buy beads in bulk.

Also, Nick Folk isn't allowed to board the team charter home. He has been told he must either steal a car and drive home to prove his manliness, or enroll as a continuing education student at Grambling. Best of luck, Nick. Good night.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Week 15

Alex and Chris pick the weekend's NFL games.


Sunday, December 13, 2009

Barbie Watch, Week 14

Every week, Alex and Chris track the highs and lows of former first round pick Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. The Cowboys hope to keep Phil Simms' '80s flashbacks to a minimum in the CBS game against the San Diego Chargers. Action occurs in Arlington, Texas, at Dallas Standard Time, unless stated otherwise.

3:04 pm: An unidentified blonde Cowboy ran through the Chargers' team stretch wearing a Dat Nguyen jersey and unleashing the Lights Out dance right in front of Shawne Merriman. Merriman sprung up, testosterone and anger coarsing through his veins, and began to chase this mystery ponytailed Cowboy. Unfortunately for Shawne, the secret Cowboy escaped through a trapdoor in a nearby luxury suite bathroom.

Bobby has thrown down the gauntlet.

Why the Dat Nguyen jersey? Merriman is suing Tila Nguyen (aka Tila Tequila) for infringing on his Lights Out trademark. Bobby is a thinking man and knows just how to get under your skin.

3:19 pm: Stupid mistake number 1, as Miles Austin shouts out to Tila Tequila.

3:22 pm: Royshonda gets one HUGE nail did.

3:25 pm: Romo is in on the hold for the FG attempt, leaving Bobby yelling at Joe Decamillis for not allowing him an opprotunity to hold. He's an excellent holder, you know, after spending all of training camp holding Keith Brooking's dip cup, and sneaking sips every now and again to give him that little extra juice. Thankfully, it's not on the NFL's banned substance list....yet.

3:36 pm: Bobby was only in on two downs during the last Chargers possession, but both stunk. The first led to a first down conversion. The second led to a Chargers rushing touchdown. Barbie always manages to pick the wrong side of the center on the goal line. Chargers lead, 7-3.

3:42 pm: Royshonda gets a second nail did, but the polish comes off as he doesn't reach for the first down.

3:53 pm: Bobby almost makes a play on fourth down, and gets real upset that the refs didn't just give it to him, you know, as charity. He calls JaMarcus on the sideline for some consoling.

3:58 pm: Bobby in coverage on Sproles on the play, and Phillip Rivers decides not to tempt fate. SD kicks a FG, 10-3 SD. This is looking like, though it's early, an unwinnable game. December, a cruel month you are.

4:08 pm: Witten turns out a light on that play, keeping Merriman ineffective on the run defense.

4:09 pm: Choicecat I

4:17 pm: Dallas puts up yards but doesn't come away with points. Barber is stopped over and over at the 1. We smell a 99-yard drive coming up for the Chargers.

4:20 pm: Never mind. Newman intercepts the pass. Campo grinds his teeth.

4:23 pm: It's time to cut Mike Vanderjagt, err, Nick Folk.

4:26 pm: Legedu Naanee drags Bobby Carpenter over the middle.

4:29 pm: Stephen Bowen gets the sack, and then spits on the shoes of Bobby Carpenter for letting a WR drag him down the field. Carpenter wells up, and sprints to the sideline, where a suspiciously large, black man wearing a number 2 Cowboys jersey gives him a quick peck on the cheek. The large man then introduces himself as JaMarcus Folk, the new kicker for the Cowboys.

4:46 pm: Buehler, as a little screw you to Bobby, knocks another touchback to keep him out of the game.

4:54 pm: Phil Simms seems to be having a hard time with the definition of an "uncatchable" ball. Bobby hears the news, tears off the field, up to the press box, and he hands Phil Simms a Dictionary, and then tells him to call Emmanuel Lewis if he has any questions. Bobby doesn't realize it's a different Webster that wrote the dictionary.

4:58 pm: Bored on the sidelines, Bobby and Jamarcus Folk get 3D glasses from some fans nearby and watch Madagascar 3D on Bobby's portable DVD player. Oh, and the Chargers still lead, 10-3.

5:04 pm: Bobby makes a perfect tackle on Darren Sproles. Officials are investigating as to whether or not it was actually Bobby, or another player in a Bobby-suit. Rumors are Bobby never actually left the sidelines, too enthralled in Madagascar in 3D. Dallas coaches are silent.

5:14 pm: Royshonda gets a nail did and doesn't want it broken! First down!

5:15 pm: Doug Free gets in on the shoutouts to Lady Flo, $50,000 the poorer.

5:16 pm: The false start was the perfect set-up for the Miles Austin touchdown! 10-10 game after a 99-yard drive from Dallas.

5:21 pm: Igor Olshansky strong like bull.

5:31 pm: Still off in the corner with Jamarcus Folk, curled up next to the portable DVD player, Bobby is too into Madagascar 3D to notice the sudden silence in the stadium. Ten minutes later, he realizes DeMarcus Ware has been injured and is preparing to be carted off.

Bobby: Oh, shit, Jam, we gotta run out there, DeMarcus is hurt.

Jamarcus: Aiite, aiite, let me hit pause

Bobby: I know where I can stand to get on the big screen. I'll do our friend sign if I get on camera. You'd better stay back here. People don't know Anthony Wright isn't in the NFL anymore.

Jamarcus: who?

5:34 pm: Demarcus is carted off. Is the Dallas Cowboy season over? We wish him well. And Bobby totally got facetime.

5:35 pm: Marcus McNeal false starts as a psuedosack by Ware, but SD scores 2 plays later. This may be the season.

5:55 pm: Our coverage has completely broken down. Is it time to resign to an 8-8 season? This is enormously depressing.

6:01 pm: Igor Olshansky strong like 2 bulls, but just not strong enough.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Week 14 in the NFL

Alex and Chris pick the weekend's NFL games.


Sunday, December 6, 2009

Barbie Watch, Week 13

Every week, Alex and Chris track the highs and lows of former first round pick Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. The Cowboys hope to shake off their Vegas rust in their last trip to Giants Stadium. Action occurs in East Rutherford, New Jersey, at Dallas Standard Time, unless stated otherwise.

We join the Cowboys late in the second quarter, up 10-7 with under a minute remaining in the first half.

4:29 pm: Dallas has been turning the ball over a little too much today. Kiwanuka strips Barber of the ball, and as I type, the Giants are within sniffing distance of the end zone.

4:31 pm: Touchdown, New York. Is it the weather?

A quick check of numbers:

Romo is 17/21 for 135: seems to be conservative or contained
Barber has 26 yards on 10 carries: contained

Dallas has had the ball a little over 21 minutes in the first half. 10 points with 21 minutes = very contained.

4:38 pm: Dallas manages to kick a 57-yard field goal but misses. A fight has broken out between the Giants and Cowboys, but Fox decides to roll 1st half highlights and talk over the yells and whistles. In fact, Fox verbally acknowledges that a fight is breaking out, but they don't show it on tv. Are the players nude? Is there also copious drug use on the field? Is it better to stick to clips of angry Dallas wide receivers instead?


Stat check

Romo: 20/24, 160 yards, 1 TD
Barber: 10 carries, 26 yards
Witten: 7 catches, 81 yards
Austin: 4 catches, 32 yards
Royshonda: 3 catches, 14 yards, 1 TD

(A proud Royshonda gave the hook-em sign after his touchdown, no doubt directed to all the Huskers fans in Giants Stadium.)

Manning: 6/13, 90 yards, 1 TD
Jacobs: 7 carries, 2o yards, 1 TD
Smith: 3 catches, 43 yards
Nicks: 2 catches, 37 yards, 1 TD
Manningham: 1 catch, 10 yards

I think Dallas is sleepwalking. Also, the Giants scored their 14 points in a 1:27 span.

WOW! WOW! Apparently, Flozell Adams was the instigator behind the fighting. He went after multiple Giants (Tuck, Kiwanuka) before the mess broke out. Ladies and gentlemen, the bull is out of his cage. He was assessed a personal foul penalty but is still in the game. A united, pissed off Giants team is the last thing Dallas needs right now.


4:53 pm: Hixon returns the 2nd half kickoff and won't go down. Bobby jumps on the pile and whistles blow. Mission accomplished.

4:57 pm: Barbie runs parallel to Steve Smith on a long reception and makes no effort to close the gap. Either geometry wasn't a big deal at Ohio State or Bobby is tired.

4:58 pm: MIKE JENKINS with the interception! One phong is ringing!

5:01 pm: Miles Austin makes a great catch through the middle, clearly one of those secret Las Vegas hotel room plays.

5:03 pm: Okay, that looks like pass interference by the Giant on Royshonda went unflagged. Girlfriend, go 'head and snap that nail. I would, too.

5:05 pm: Luke Wilson is still throwing postcards on a United States map.

5:07 pm: Anthony Spencer is really getting after it. Two consecutive penetrations this drive.

5:07 pm: Barbie in on the tackle! And he prevents Kevin Boss from picking up the 1st down! And as fate would have it, Keith Brooking is credited by Buck & Aikman in the booth.

Upset, Barbie decides to make friendly conversation along the sideline.

Barbie: Hey, Keith, good job on the tackle there. So, I don't know if you knew this, but my Buckeyes are going to the Rose Bowl this year. Tough year for Georgia, huh? Are they even going to a bowl?

Keith: I don't know, Robert, I went to Georgia Tech.

Barbie: Oh, do they play sports there? How'd you get into the NFL from a nerd school?

Keith: Robbie, we won the ACC last night. So... yeah, we play sports.

Barbie: But aren't there, like, no girls at Georgia Tech?

Keith: Girls are trouble, Roberto. All a man needs is his dip, his dog, and good music.

Barbie: Wait, so are you ga--

Keith: No, Robert. I'm not gay.

5:13 pm: Austin makes another great catch for the 1st down. I think the cold weather helps keep things quiet. Like the slow death by anaconda. It helps to slow things down when you're winning, though. Dallas still trails, 14-10.

5:16 pm: Not to be outdone, Jason Witten and his velcro dominatrix gloves makes a strong catch inside the Giants' 10. Witten has over 100 yards receiving today.

5:17 pm: TOUCHDOWN, ROYSHONDA! Dallas leads, 17-14. Fake sweep, Romo down the middle to Roy, who flashes his hook-em sign to the crowd AGAIN. There must be a lot of Nebraska and TCU fans in East Rutherford today.

Wait a second. Is Royshonda flashing a hook-em horns sign, or is he showing off them FOINE nails? Was the great nail-exposure from the UT handsign his motivation to go to Texas in the first place?

5:23 pm: Brandon Jacobs scores on a long scamper into the endzone, but damn if it didn't look like big-time holding. Wade (sans glasses) challenges the ruling, saying Jacobs stepped out of bounds at the 22.

5:27 pm: Nope. Touchdown is good, New York goes up 21-17 on the point after.

5:33 pm: Last-second tip on a Romo pass caps off a meh possession. Dallas punts.

5:35 pm: One more gift from Spencer, another early tackle. End of the third quarter.

5:39 pm: Carpenter in coverage means no catch for Kevin Boss. Better luck next time.

5:41 pm: Martellus Bennett secures a Papa John's Pizza over the middle, but is slow to get up. Fox goes to commercial with the piano theme.

5:44 pm: Bennett was fine. Fox lets us know this by coming back from commercial with a clip of the Fox Robot playing an electric guitar.

5:45 pm: ROYSHONDA GET YOUR NAILS DID GIRL. Huge 3rd down conversion with a long throw to Roy over the middle.

5:48 pm: Nick Folk curves the field goal wiiiiide left. Ugly.

5:53 pm: The Dallas defense looks so impotent on this Bradshaw 25-yard run inside the Dallas 10.

5:55 pm: New York settles for a field goal. Giants 24, Cowboys 17.

5:57 pm: The Fox Robot was just captured and shot by an arrow in this back-from-commercial Avatar promo.

6:00 pm: Untimely intentional grounding call against Dallas here. Dallas ends up punting the ball away to Hixon, to returns it all the way for a touchdown. Giants lead, 31-17.

Oh yeah, it's December.

6:08 pm: I was really hoping December would be different this season. Romo overshoots a wide wide wide open Royshonda for what would be a guaranteed six points.

6:10 pm: Romo decides to throw it to a very short, very covered Marion Barber on 4th and 2. It was over the second the ball left Romo's Vegas fingertips. Turnover on downs.

6:14 pm: Dallas forces the Giant punt and takes over inside their 25 with 2:25 left on the clock.

6:15 pm: Big first down courtesy Royshonda. Babygirl's nails lookin' FIERCE.

6:21 pm: Romo delivers a gem to Miles Austin for a touchdown. Dallas trails, 31-24.

6:23 pm: Dallas pulls an amazing 2 kickers on the field stunt, sends the first kicker on a fake kick one way, then comes back the other way for the real kick. Unfortunately, the ball didn't travel 10 yards before it was touched, but damn if that wasn't pretty. I had no idea that was legal. It's like mixing in fakes when you're shooting free throws.

Apparently, it's not a new move, but it was the first time these virgin eyes have seen it. Now I can show my grandkids this permanent Internet record.

6:27 pm: The Giants kneel the clock away and pick up the win.

Dallas falls to 8-4 with a hell of a December left. Dallas could go anywhere from 4-0 to 0-4 and everything in between and I wouldn't be surprised. As of now, the Eagles and Cowboys are tied for the NFC East lead at 8-4, and the Giants are one game back at 7-5.

Romo had a great day throwing the ball: 41/55 for 392 yards and 3 touchdowns (no picks).

And Royshonda, this one's for you:

Kid Sister - Pro Nails (Bag Raiders Remix)


Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Week 13 in the NFL

Alex and Chris pick the weekend's NFL games.


Tuesday, December 1, 2009

What Happens in Vegas...

Rarely stays there when you're a Dallas Cowboy. This past thanksgiving weekend, Tony Romo and Miles Austin hit the sin city on what players consider a "second bye week." Being that Tony is not linked to any specific blonde singer/actress, maybe things will turn out a little differently than two years ago in Cabo, but for the Romo critics, this comes at the perfect time; the eve of December. Now Tony is "unfocused" entering his only month with a losing record with a TOUGH schedule ahead, At NYG, vs. SD, At NO, At Was, and vs. Philly. Very easily an 0-5 month. This made doubly possible by the apparent slight of Jason Witten, Marco Rivera, and Bobby Carpenter with newfound boo JaMarcus Ruseel. Conspiracy rages.

Here's the link:

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Barbie Watch, Week 12

Every week, Alex and Chris track the highs and lows of former first round pick Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. The Cowboys celebrate Thanksgiving with a home game against the Oakland Raiders. Action occurs in Arlington, Texas, at Dallas Standard Time, unless stated otherwise.

2:36 pm: Barbie emerges from a luxury suite restroom a bit queasy. In a show of manliness, our Barbara devoured an entire turducken BY HIMSELF during pre-game meetings. Whatever it takes to repair his reputation after the halftime scalping from David Buehler.

3:16 pm: Happy thanksgiving everyone. Buehler, in order to keep Bobby out of the game, kicks the ball out of the endzone. That's one think to be thankful for.

3:27 pm: Cowboys get a LOOOONG pass to Miles Austin, only to penalize themselves out of points. It looks like it's gonna be that kind of game. Meanwhile, Bobby sulks on the sidelines while Buehler's girlfriend braids his hair. He mumbles "Yes master" everytime Buehler walks by.

3:34 pm: Bobby has yet to be seen on the field, meanwhile JaMarcus Russell has been seen roaming around the enormous Cowboys Stadium, reportedly asking "Where's a turkey? I need a damn turkey. It's thanksgiving. We shouldn't be playing football anyway. Good thing I'm watchin'."

3:39 pm: Bobby still not on the field, but rather showing JaMarcus the cheesesteak sandwiches in the food court in the party pass plaza. JaMarcus, a big man wearing an Oakland uniform, is excused for a displaced Raider's fan, since he's pigging out on beer and red meat. Meanwhile, Bobby is welcomed with familiar and open arms by the drunk fans who love the idea that they know an NFL player, regardless of his shittiness. Bobby lets a smile sneak through his workmanlike demeanor.

3:43 pm: With another 3rd and medium, Bobby is again not needed on the field. Bobby asks JaMarcus about the gameplan, and with a full mouth, JaMarcus responds "fucked if I know." Bobby then realizes he has found his kindred spirit, he give JaMarcus a 10spot and tells him to buy another cheesesteak. Bobby goes hunting for a new iHelmet, Raiders edition.

3:47 pm: Choicecat I for somethine like 60ish yards. Amazing.

3:50 pm: Penalties stall another Cowboys drive, along with seemingly preferential calls towards the Raiders. Luckily, Nick Folk nails it through. 3-0 Cowboys.

3:52 pm: Another touchback for David Buehler, riding high on his lack of Bobby. Meanwhile, JaMarcus is presented with a brand new iHelmet, complete with mechanical eyepatch and a preloaded "Cooking for dummies, the multimillionaire edition." JaMarcus is brought to tears, and Bobby opens his arms and encourages him to "hug it out."

4:02 pm: Choicecat II. No gain. Meh.

4:06 pm: Felix gets one cat in the bag. Touchdown. Bobby sighs, starts downfield for a kickoff coverage. Buehler can't boot it everytime, and has surely noticed his abscence. JaMarcus watches Bobby walk off, and reaches out, hand full of chedder, and asks "Will you come back for me?" Bobby turns around and says, "Every time I have a choice, I'll always choose you. I have to go make a call."

A.J. Hawk is about to be very dissapointed.

4:13 pm: Bobby is finally in on 3rd down, and Bruce Gradkowski runs for a first down. Bobby is seen with tears in his eyes, and JaMarcus is in the concourse eating 3 bratwurst, singing "All By Myself" through a waterfall of tears. Buehler is beginning to take notes on the interaction. A halftime plot to follow?

4:18 pm: Bobby in again, and Spencer gets his first sack of the season. Bobby drops back into coverage, and after the sack, pounds his heart twice, and points up to the burger stand. JaMarcus understands, and grabs his 35million guarenteed and heads up.

4:22 pm: Royshonda gets 1 nail did.

4:23 pm: Nick Folk has missed 3 of his last 4. He's begging to get Vanderjagt'd. Buehler laughs maniacally on the sideline, whilst on his laptop. JaMarcus apparently forgot to download Norton for his iHelmet. Being a Raider, they only sell the Windows-based edition.

4:27 pm: Bobby in once again on 3rd down, but the pressure gets to him. Bobby has yet to have a pass come his way, to which JaMarcus responds, "Don't worry, Bobcat, I'd throw you at least 3 interceptions. What're friends for?"

"Not friends, JaMarcus. Best friends. Forever."

In related news, AJ Hawk is on a plane to Dallas from Detroit with the Reality-TV-hit show "cheaters."

4:39 pm: Hanging out on the party pass plaza with his new BFF, Bobby talks to Jamarcus between bites of pizza.

Bobby: Hey Jam, do you think Miles looks like Obama?
Jamarcus: Yeah, lil bit.
Bobby: You know, I voted for Obama.
Jamarcus: Cool.

Meanwhile, the touchdown is called back. Of course, that means more pizza time.

4:42 pm: Never mind. The Cowboys made sure Miles got his touchdown after all. Dallas leads, 17-0, and Royshonda ain't happy.

4:48 pm: Halftime, and the teams head to their respective locker rooms. All at least, except for two players. JaMarcus quickly iHelmet-texts Bobby to stay behind and look up at the MEGA-tron. Daughtry is setting up, and the lights suddenly go out. In the middle of the commencing panic, a montage begins to play, with "Wind Beneath My Wings" playing soulfully underneath a series of pictures of JaMarcus and Bobby hanging out during the game. There was the cheesesteak, the brats, the hamburgers, all the good times. The montage ends, and JaMarcus is seen on screen and says "Bobby, I have only known you for 30 minutes of football, but I feel like I've known you my whole life. Thank you for the hospitality. I may have lost my job, but I have gained the friend of a lifetime.

The lights switch back on, and Bobby notices a number of cameras around him, and AJ Hawk screaming and rushing towards him. Bobby turns to run, and heads directly into Joey Greco, host of Cheaters. Bobby has nothing to say.

AJ responds by screaming "Do these ponytails mean nothing to you?! All we went through together?!"

Bobby pauses, turns around, then rips out his flowing ponytail and screams, "It's fake, AJ! My friend David Buehler cut it off last week. We're done. I was going to call you...but....You were busy celebrating, and I didn't want to ruin it."

Bobby runs off to be with JaMarcus in the nosebleed section, AJ is seen walking back to his plane with tears in his eyes. The crowd applauds wildly. This was WAY better than the Jonas brothers.

5:10 pm: Bobby rolls into the locker room right as the meeting is winding up.

Wade: Robert, do you mind telling me where the hell you were during halftime?
Bobby: Well, uh, I, I was ... okay, I was gone.
Wade: Where?
Bobby: Six Flags.
Wade: What? Are you kidding me?
Bobby: No, here, I took this picture with Jamarcus as we came down Splash Mountain.
Wade: So you were just hanging out with the opposing team, across the street, instead of doing your job? Instead of being in the meeting? Son, what is in your head?
Bobby: Coach P...
Wade: Grab some bench, Bobby. You'll learn the hard way. Buehler is gunning for your job and I'm not so sure he's not my favorite.

5:19 pm: Igor Olshansky, strong like bull.

5:22 pm: Terence Newman stops a scrambling Gradkowski deep in Dallas territory. Dave Campo immediately pulls the ref over and suggests Newman led with his helmet. No call.

5:35 pm: Bobby is out of the game, and our sideline reporter/JaMarcus are both out with a food coma. BRB guys, Bobby will be back soon.

5:39 pm: Bobby falls on the tackled Raider. If the stat guy blinked, he might just credit Bobby with half a tackle.

5:45 pm: Choicecat III

5:47 pm: Royshonda gets his 2nd nail did, along with 1/2 a pedicure with the TD.

5:49 pm: Buehler with another touchback, and with the roar of the crowd JaMarcus wakes up next to 3 cheesesteak sandwiches and Greg Ellis' wife. Apparently she though, given his size, he an Greg were one and the same. "Better get out of here" JaMarcus thinks, "I've been sacked enough this season."

6:00 pm: Patrick Watkins bodyslams Jonnie Lee Higgins to the turf and gets up doing a turkey dance. JaMarcus salivates and calls Bobby. The obediant and subserviate Bobcat fries up a bird and gets McBriar to punt it to the nosebleeds for JaMarcus. Instead of catching it, JaMarcus swallows it whole. Word is that's why Bobby loves him.

6:04 pm: Bobcat down, again he is untested. after the play he shows love by proclaiming that he's "number 2" in homage to Mr. Russel. Bobby then initiates a google search on his iHelmet on what exactly a "gimp" is, at JaMarcus' request.

6:13 pm: With JaMarcus in bed and Bobby on the field, Buehler asleep at the wheel, this writer is signing off. Also because he has the Lone Star Showdown to attend, but that's simply axiallary. Have a great night, don't let the tryptophan bite.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Week 12 in the NFL

Alex and Chris pick the weekend's NFL games.


Sunday, November 22, 2009

Barbie Watch, Week 11

Every week, Alex and Chris track the highs and lows of former first round pick Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. Today, the Dallas Cowboys look to return to the win column against the Washington Redskins. Action occurs in Arlington, Texas, at Dallas Standard Time, unless stated otherwise.

11:58 am: Barbie's iHelmet has been updated with the latest software. The team stretches to radio preset 93.3 FM, which used to have rock, but now features a little too much Lady Gaga to be taken seriously on the football field. Wes Phillips, quality control, increases the volume of the stadium's speakers. Bobby continues warming up to Gaga and howling RAH RAH AH AH AH, ROMA, ROMAMA. No one is amused, but the Eastern Europe gibberish catches the attention of Igor Olshansky. Today, Igor thinks to himself, will be a strong like bull today.

12:03 pm: Felix Jones, just as disappointed with the Redskins' decision to wear MONOCHROME MAROON as I am, takes it to the 35 on the opening kickoff.

12:05 pm: These secret plays to Jason Witten haven't been paying off. Yet. Dallas is forced to punt. The Redskins will take over on their 16.

12:07 pm: Igor Olshansky, strong like bull.

12:08 pm: Seeing the positive effect of Lady Gaga on Igor, Bobby cues up another Gaga hit for the sideline playlist. While Bobby was busy fiddling with his iHelmet, Dallas's defense quickly runs 3rd and inches without him. Mission accomplished, courtesy Keith Brooking.

12:09 pm: Bobby is flustered and storms over to Wade, first criticizing Phillips for "that stunt he just pulled on 3rd and inches," then taking Wade's sunglasses. The metaphor is "now Wade cannot hide," but Bobby was never much for literary studies. Economics? Now we're talking.

12:10 pm: Wade promises Bobby a 2nd down play if Bobby returns the sunglasses. Bobby accepts the offer, but not before sitting down on the bench and crossing/ recrossing his legs a-la Sharon Stone, Basic Instinct. Also: economics, supply and demand.

12:14 pm: F. After Dallas marches down the field, Barber fumbles the ball. Romo dives for the tackle, makes it, and now appears to be injured. Looks like a kidney shot. Commercial break, Bobby's iHelmet cues the "sad piano NFL on FOX music."

12:17 pm: The Redskins take over, but not before a false start. Cute.

12:18 pm: 2nd down. Bobby runs onto the field but Wade pulls him back to the sidelines.

"But Coach P, you promised!" Bobby says.

"I know," Wade replies. "But here's an economics lesson: let the buyer beware. Here's another: get it in writing next time."

Touche, Phillips. Touche.

12:19 pm: Bobby falls into coverage on 3rd down. Jason Campbell avoids a sack and somehow completes a pass for the 1st down.

12:21 pm: The Redskins false start AGAIN. Flo, these o-linemen are NOT respecting your woman.

12:22 pm: Nothing fancy here. Bobby falls into coverage. There is no 3rd down conversion. Therefore, Bobby has done his job.

12:23 pm: Terence Newman shoves Dave Campo on television! What is THIS? Was Dave critiquing Newman's play? Or was he critiquing the spelling of "Terence," which is indeed worthy of some criticism?

12:25 pm: The last time a Dallas assistant was shoved on the sideline (Parcells on Todd Haley), the assistant took a hike. Expect Campo to fight tooth and nail to stay in the Metroplex.

12:26 pm: Romo completes the pass to Martellus Bennett for the 1st down. Bennett has 1 box of Papa John's Pizza.

12:28 pm: Bobby brings up yesterday's Ohio State - Michigan game on the sidelines. Unfortunately, the Cowboys have no Wolverines, so Bobby instead talks the ears off of other Big Ten alums, still using the pronoun "we" when referring to the Buckeyes.

12:30 pm: Dallas punts to Washington. During the return, Bobby is jacked up on a rough hit. David Buehler tells Bobby he lost a letter from his name on the hit-- he is now Obby.

12:31 pm: Wade puts a dizzy Carpenter in on 1st down. Wade believes a bell-rung Bobby might actually be more lethal and less finesse.

12:33 pm: 1 tin of Copenhagen for Brooking on the sack.

12:34 pm: Illegal hands to the face called on Newman. What you didn't see: Campo notified the refs. "This will be a valuable life lesson," Campo mutters to himself.

12:39 pm: Apparently, dizzy Carpenter is of no use on 3rd down.

12:40 pm: Dallas unleashes Blitz-Bobby on 3rd down! Bobby goes unblocked on the rush and.. well, if he were just a few ticks faster, Campbell wouldn't have been able to release the ball for a 1st down. As on all 1st down conversions, Bobby's iHelmet cues the sad piano Charlie Brown music.

12:42 pm: 2 tins of Copenhagen for Keith Brooking on the sack. Brooking shares the tin with Ware. Brooking refuses water on the sideline, no doubt because he has some chew tucked in that lip as we speak.

12:43 pm: Sidenote: last week, Jason Garrett was criticized for not running the ball enough. Right now, Dallas has 12 runs and 5 passes. Keep mentally tracking this.

12:45 pm: Bobby is clearly held on 3rd down, but no flag. Washington kicks a field goal on 4th and makes it. Washington leads, 3-0.

12:47 pm: The unstoppable/ Citizen Eco Drive watch commercial featuring Eli Manning just aired. They only seem to run this commercial when Manning sucks. I like their sense of humor.

12:48 pm: Felix Jones returns the kickoff and looks uninspired. Bobby looks just as uninspired on the almost-block attempt. Meh.

12:51 pm: Jason Witten completes another secret hotel-room play.

12:52 pm: Barber up the middle! Vintage hair on fire run.

12:53 pm: Royshawnda damn near broke a nail on that dropped pass. How a girl 'sposed to look good if she can't get her nails did?

12:54 pm: Offense check: 15 runs, 8 passes.

12:56 pm: Buehler walks over to Bobby and gives him an old sock.

"What the hell is this for? I have both my socks on," says Bobby.

"Here you go, Dobby. You're free now, Dobby," Buehler replies.

"Who the hell is Dobby? What?" Bobby asks as Buehler walks off. "Knock it off!"

12:58 pm: Buehler convinces the o-line to give Bobby their unused socks. Leonard Davis begins to chant "Dobby" at Bobby. Leonard acts like he doesn't know where this reference is from... but he does. Davis fancied himself a Slytherin man, truth be told.

Bobby, now psyched out, is unable to make a play on 3rd down.

1:03 pm: Martellus has 2 boxes of Papa John's Pizza.

1:05 pm: Gurode, injured? Flashback?

1:07 pm
: Now that Dallas is on offense, Buehler phones in a favor to Wes Phillips, quality control. Buehler and Wes begin to hide random articles of issue clothing in places Bobby will look-- the Gatorade cooler, his iHelmet, the big screen, etc. Each article of clothing has a tag reading, "Dobby, you are free."

1:08 pm: Bobby returns from a luxury suite's restroom to find his iHelmet stuffed with an issue practice tee.

"WHAT THE HELL IS DOBBY?" Bobby yells.

Royshawnda walks over and explains, "Dobby is a house-elf from Harry Potter. This slave creature is freed once he receives an article of clothing from his master."

"Oh, that's kind of neat," Bobby says.

"It means I'm your master, dumbass," Buehler retorts as he chucks an issue t-shirt in Bobby's face.

1:12 pm: Flozell shout-out time.

1:14 pm: Bobby brainstorms his revenge on Buehler. He decides to pee in the Gatorade cooler, lifts the lid and -- WHAT? MORE DOBBY?

1:15 pm: Leonard Davis wants to get in on the shout-out business.

1:16 pm: Martellus Bennett has 3 boxes of Papa John's Pizza.

What the hell? So many injuries today.

Also: Troy just called him a very "athletic" tight end. If Bennett is the athletic TE, is Witten the intellectual TE?

1:17 pm: One more broken nail for Royshawnda?

1:18 pm: Nick Folk misses the field goal, wide right. Offense: 21 runs, 12 passes.

1:19 pm: Bobby is in on 1st down and lets Fred Davis run past him.

1:20 pm: Bobby is still in on these defensive plays. Washington keeps making 1st downs.

1:21 pm: Bobby falls into coverage. Cartwright slip out of Bobby's grasp. Someone else tackles him.

1:22 pm: Bobby is unleashed on the blitz, uncovered. He chases Campbell around and forces Campbell to throw it away. So is Dallas just capitalizing on unblocked opportunities, or does Washington not respect the Carpenter rush?

1:23 pm: Delay of game, Washington. AKA 11-man shout-out to Lady Flo.

1:31 pm: Good lord, this is quite a delay. I think I heard Wade drop 2 s-bombs on tv.

1:32 pm: Suisham misses a 39-yard field goal, leaving 10 seconds on the clock. Washington still leads, 3-0.

1:33 pm: And Dallas kneels the ball to go into the half. Washington 3, Dallas 0.


In order to motivate the team, Wade decides to bring some theatre into the locker room.

Wade: Guys, this is ridiculous. We're losing to the Redskins! Buehler, Bobby, get up here.

Buehler and Carpenter make their way to the center of the room. Wade dims the lights and brings a desk and scissors with him to the center.

Wade: Alright, guys. They're Redskins. Like Indians. What do they do to victims? They scalp them. What I'm going to do now is called symbolism. Bobby, son, you're going to be the Redskin here. Buehler, you're a Cowboy, you're just like us. We're tired of being pushed around. This is OUR HOUSE. What we want to do is scalp the injun. Give them a taste of their own medicine. Bobby, set your head on this table.

Bobby, hesitant, puts his head on the table. A hushed silence falls upon the room. Campo pokes Newman and tells him to pay attention to Coach P. Wade takes Bobby's long, blonde hair and organizes the hair into a ponytail.

Wade: Buehler, take these scissors.

Wade walks over to Buehler, hands him the scissors, then pulls him aside.

Wade (whisper): Now don't kill him, just snip off his ponytail. But make a big, dramatic show of it. You know, raise it in the air, scream, stuff like that.

Buehler: Got it.

Brooking runs over to Bobby and tucks a small bit of Copenhagen into his mouth. Buehler raises the scissors in the air, the spotlight directly over him, light glistening on the blade.


Buehler brings the scissors down, Bobby clenches, shuts his eyes, and the team winces. Some look away in fear. Buehler, still screaming, snips the ponytail off Bobby and lifts it in the air.


Buehler grabs a strip of masking tape, binds the hair at one end, and runs around the room, waving the ponytail in front of the team.

Buehler: C'MON GUYS! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Team: USA! USA!


Everyone: TEAM!


1:48 pm: Bobby makes the tackle on the kickoff. Motivation is an amazing tool.

1:55 pm: Bobby shows up a tick late at the scene of the tackle. Converted 1st down.

1:56 pm: False start. Now you're just getting cocky, Washington.

1:57 pm: Bobby blitzes, but Ratliff is the lead dog in the pack.

1:57 pm: Bobby goes right for the ankles on a tackle attempt. The Redskin is down because someone else made a more physical tackle. Washington still has to punt.

2:01 pm: Witten, first down on a secret play.

2:02 pm: After halftime, Buehler secured the Bobbytail under a sweatband and wore it as if it were his own. Bobby walks over to Buehler and demands his ponytail back.

Buehler: Here, you baby, take it.

Buehler tosses it to the ground.

Bobby: Can I at least have the sweatband, too?

Buehler: Sure, Dobby. Here you go, Dobby.

Bobby: NO! Never mind.

Buehler: Oh, so you don't want freedom? You want to be my slave?

Bobby: AGH! Fine, give me freedom.

Buehler: Give me freedom what.

Bobby: Give me freedom... master.

Buehler: Ha. Dumbass. Take it.

Bobby takes the ponytail and sweatband, puts both in ice, and jogs off.

2:04 pm: Bobby runs to the team doctor and asks him to surgically repair his Bobbytail. The doctor refuses. Bobby then runs to the nearest luxury suite restroom and reattaches the 'tail with a little rubber cement and a few hair-ties.

"I hope my body doesn't reject it," Bobby says to himself in the mirror, examining his work.

2:09 pm: Not much action for Bobby on 3rd down. He wants to minimize movement. It's in the best interest of the Bobbytail.

2:11 pm: Dallas offense check: 25 runs, 14 passes.

2:12 pm: One more broken nail for Royshawnda in heavy coverage.

2:18 pm: So we poke Bobby, but it's all in fun. BUT on this last play, I could swear he purposely jogs a little bit slower to avoid having make the tackle

2:18 pm: Okay, here we go. Bobby was called for a hold. Great.

2:19 pm: Igor Olshansky, strong like 2 bulls.

2:19 pm: Thank you. More shout-outs from Washington, this from Fred Davis. Lady Flo is loved.

2:22 pm: Bobby runs a few yards with the Redskin runner. He doesn't bother making a tackle on Cartwright until he sees another Dallas defender with him.

2:23 pm: Suisham makes the field goal attempt. This game's impotence is eerily similar to that of the Packers game last week. Redskins lead, 6-0.

2:25 pm: Martellus Bennett's illegal shift takes away his box of Papa John's Pizza.

2:26 pm: One more shattered nail from Royshawnda. Not because he dropped a pass, but because Miles Austin caught a big pass.

2:30 pm: Huge hair on fire run from Marion Barber.

2:33 pm: You know how Romo once said an interception of his was as good as a punt? Well, his latest interception (on 4th down) is better than a turnover on downs.

2:34 pm: Dallas offense check: 29 runs, 19 passes.

2:35 pm: Why is Dallas playing so uninspired? Even Bobby and Buehler have settled down.

2:38 pm: Bored but politically active, Bobby canvasses the sideline and asks each Cowboy if he is on Team Jacob or Team Edward. Wade lifts his shirt to reveal a Team Edward undershirt.

2:42 pm: Suisham goes wide right on a 50-yard field goal attempt. Wade pumps his fist in excitement. Is this a momentum shift?

2:47 pm: Secret play to Witten and then another Miles Austin-induced broken nail for Royshawnda. Girlfriend, God bless your hand.

2:48 pm: One more round of secret play to Witten and Miles Austin catch. Royshawnda's nails are DESTROYED.

2:49 pm: All this action is too much for Flo. He transfers his energy to Witten and forces Witten to false start. But Lady Flo, Flo still loves you.

2:51 pm: TOUCHDOWN, PATRICK CRAYTON! Dallas adds the extra point and takes the lead, 7-6. Offensive tracker: 30 runs, 27 passes.

3:02 pm: Anthony Spencer plucks a tipped pass out of the air and comes down with the interception. Stephen Bowen on the tip.

3:04 pm: Bobby grabs the nearest Gatorade cooler and dumps the contents on Spencer's head. Unfortunately, ice and random issue gear fall out. BUEHLER!

3:07 pm: The game ends on a Hail Mary attempt. Incomplete. You know it's incomplete because Bobby threw his arms up when it happened. Cowboys win, 7-6 and finish with 33 runs, 27 passes.

The Cowboys move to 7-3 and prepare for the Oakland Raiders on Thanksgiving. Will there be a victory Monday tomorrow? Will Bobby find a way to permanently reattach the Bobbytail? Find out Thursday. Have a good rest of the day.