Sunday, December 13, 2009

Barbie Watch, Week 14

Every week, Alex and Chris track the highs and lows of former first round pick Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. The Cowboys hope to keep Phil Simms' '80s flashbacks to a minimum in the CBS game against the San Diego Chargers. Action occurs in Arlington, Texas, at Dallas Standard Time, unless stated otherwise.

3:04 pm: An unidentified blonde Cowboy ran through the Chargers' team stretch wearing a Dat Nguyen jersey and unleashing the Lights Out dance right in front of Shawne Merriman. Merriman sprung up, testosterone and anger coarsing through his veins, and began to chase this mystery ponytailed Cowboy. Unfortunately for Shawne, the secret Cowboy escaped through a trapdoor in a nearby luxury suite bathroom.

Bobby has thrown down the gauntlet.

Why the Dat Nguyen jersey? Merriman is suing Tila Nguyen (aka Tila Tequila) for infringing on his Lights Out trademark. Bobby is a thinking man and knows just how to get under your skin.

3:19 pm: Stupid mistake number 1, as Miles Austin shouts out to Tila Tequila.

3:22 pm: Royshonda gets one HUGE nail did.

3:25 pm: Romo is in on the hold for the FG attempt, leaving Bobby yelling at Joe Decamillis for not allowing him an opprotunity to hold. He's an excellent holder, you know, after spending all of training camp holding Keith Brooking's dip cup, and sneaking sips every now and again to give him that little extra juice. Thankfully, it's not on the NFL's banned substance list....yet.

3:36 pm: Bobby was only in on two downs during the last Chargers possession, but both stunk. The first led to a first down conversion. The second led to a Chargers rushing touchdown. Barbie always manages to pick the wrong side of the center on the goal line. Chargers lead, 7-3.

3:42 pm: Royshonda gets a second nail did, but the polish comes off as he doesn't reach for the first down.

3:53 pm: Bobby almost makes a play on fourth down, and gets real upset that the refs didn't just give it to him, you know, as charity. He calls JaMarcus on the sideline for some consoling.

3:58 pm: Bobby in coverage on Sproles on the play, and Phillip Rivers decides not to tempt fate. SD kicks a FG, 10-3 SD. This is looking like, though it's early, an unwinnable game. December, a cruel month you are.

4:08 pm: Witten turns out a light on that play, keeping Merriman ineffective on the run defense.

4:09 pm: Choicecat I

4:17 pm: Dallas puts up yards but doesn't come away with points. Barber is stopped over and over at the 1. We smell a 99-yard drive coming up for the Chargers.

4:20 pm: Never mind. Newman intercepts the pass. Campo grinds his teeth.

4:23 pm: It's time to cut Mike Vanderjagt, err, Nick Folk.

4:26 pm: Legedu Naanee drags Bobby Carpenter over the middle.

4:29 pm: Stephen Bowen gets the sack, and then spits on the shoes of Bobby Carpenter for letting a WR drag him down the field. Carpenter wells up, and sprints to the sideline, where a suspiciously large, black man wearing a number 2 Cowboys jersey gives him a quick peck on the cheek. The large man then introduces himself as JaMarcus Folk, the new kicker for the Cowboys.

4:46 pm: Buehler, as a little screw you to Bobby, knocks another touchback to keep him out of the game.

4:54 pm: Phil Simms seems to be having a hard time with the definition of an "uncatchable" ball. Bobby hears the news, tears off the field, up to the press box, and he hands Phil Simms a Dictionary, and then tells him to call Emmanuel Lewis if he has any questions. Bobby doesn't realize it's a different Webster that wrote the dictionary.

4:58 pm: Bored on the sidelines, Bobby and Jamarcus Folk get 3D glasses from some fans nearby and watch Madagascar 3D on Bobby's portable DVD player. Oh, and the Chargers still lead, 10-3.

5:04 pm: Bobby makes a perfect tackle on Darren Sproles. Officials are investigating as to whether or not it was actually Bobby, or another player in a Bobby-suit. Rumors are Bobby never actually left the sidelines, too enthralled in Madagascar in 3D. Dallas coaches are silent.

5:14 pm: Royshonda gets a nail did and doesn't want it broken! First down!

5:15 pm: Doug Free gets in on the shoutouts to Lady Flo, $50,000 the poorer.

5:16 pm: The false start was the perfect set-up for the Miles Austin touchdown! 10-10 game after a 99-yard drive from Dallas.

5:21 pm: Igor Olshansky strong like bull.

5:31 pm: Still off in the corner with Jamarcus Folk, curled up next to the portable DVD player, Bobby is too into Madagascar 3D to notice the sudden silence in the stadium. Ten minutes later, he realizes DeMarcus Ware has been injured and is preparing to be carted off.

Bobby: Oh, shit, Jam, we gotta run out there, DeMarcus is hurt.

Jamarcus: Aiite, aiite, let me hit pause

Bobby: I know where I can stand to get on the big screen. I'll do our friend sign if I get on camera. You'd better stay back here. People don't know Anthony Wright isn't in the NFL anymore.

Jamarcus: who?

5:34 pm: Demarcus is carted off. Is the Dallas Cowboy season over? We wish him well. And Bobby totally got facetime.

5:35 pm: Marcus McNeal false starts as a psuedosack by Ware, but SD scores 2 plays later. This may be the season.

5:55 pm: Our coverage has completely broken down. Is it time to resign to an 8-8 season? This is enormously depressing.

6:01 pm: Igor Olshansky strong like 2 bulls, but just not strong enough.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Glad to see Roy make a catch early.