Sunday, November 21, 2010

We're BACK!

The Barbie-watch makes it's triumphant return today at 12:00pm central daylight time, since we have found out that number 59 for the lions is none other than our favorite finesse linebacker.
(The lions signed me? You serious?)
11:46 pm: Bobby, running around in his new favorite baby blue, passes Keith Brooking and new token white linebacker Sean Lee, who is busy holding Keith's spitoon. Bobby convinces Sean to allow him to hold it for a while, just for old time's sake. Sean thanks him and runs off before Keith can say anything. Bobby then trips, and spills Keith's tobacco-spit all over his new Skoal-sponsered cleats. Keith looks down and sees his old gimp, smiles, and says "Bobcat, good to see you. How's Detroit? You know what, forget the pleasantries, come here." Keith goes in for a big hug. Finally, the admiration and affection Bobby's always deserved! In a quick move however, Keith grabs the back of Bobcat's tighty whities and hangs him from the Cowboys fan-heater. "ATOMIC WEDGIE! haha, classic" Keith screams, rushing off the field. Bobby, noticable upset, then struggles his way down and sulks back over to the sideline.
12:05 pm: The first first down of the game by Detroit comes quickly, with the Cowboys playing on a noticeably slimmer field. The play is followed by an Igor Olshanksy tackle. Strong like bull.
12:07 pm: SACK by Stephen Bowen and Jay Ratliff. A decent start for the cowboys defense, however the Lions down the punt at the 1 yard line. Is it Bobby time yet?
12:11 pm: Royshonda gets one nail did, but then promptly breaks that nail by fumbling the ball out of bounds.
12:12 pm: Dez Bryant eats 1 defender alive for a first down.
12:14 pm: First timeout of the game, and still no sight of Bobcat on the field. Who knows what antics he's planning coming home for the first time. No word yet on if Jim Shwartz has hired a handler or not. He may not know that he needs one...
12:18 pm: Royshonda gets 2 nails did. Could be a big game for the former Lion.
12:22 pm: Dez Bryant eats a 2nd defender alive for a touchdown. Fade route in the endzone. Meanwhile the cowboys have a 97 yard drive for a touchdown and BObby didn't see the field once, not even on FG block. Interesting...
12:25 pm: POTENTIAL BOBCAT SIGHTING: On the kickoff, there was either a number 59 or 89 back to form the wedge for Stefon Logan. In a wonderful effort to keep Bobcat off television, Buehler boots the ball out of the endzone. Buehler then promptly threw Bobcat 2 middle fingers, and reminded him that he had already made more tackles this game than Bobby. The Carpenter sulked to the sideline and dialed his longtime girlfriend JaMarcus Russell for some sweet consolation.
12:29 pm: Mike Jenkins whiffs on a tackle. Incomplete hands?
12:30 pm: Igor Olshanksy strong like 2 bulls.
12:34 pm: End of the first quarter, and Bobcat has been relatively quiet. As a writer, I am anticipating a blackout in Cowboys stadium sometime soon, as Bobby tries to hack in to the videoboard, but is unfamiliar with the wiring.
12:37 pm: Calvin Johnson is badly overthrown, Mike Jenkins throws incomplete hands anyway. Lions kick a FG. 7-3
12:40 pm: Kickoff, and Bryan McCann runs it back far enough to make the kicker make the tackle. Total Tally: Buehler - 1 Tackle, Rayner - 1 Tackle. Carpenter - 0 tackles, 1 possible power outage and 1 atomic wedgie.
12:43 pm: The Cowboys go 3 and out, with very little offense. Bobby again is unseen on defense or special teams. There was however a blonde lock of hair found floating down from the megatron. What is he up to....
12:51 pm: Jerome Felton is short for the first down on 3rd and 1. Bobby calls down from the video board to let Jim know he's available for running back. Also, help. He can't get down.
12:54 pm: The lions jump offsides for the 3rd time, and we're starting to realize what Bobby is doing. He got ahold of the defensive headset and is yelling cadences into the defenses headsets. "That's 15 yards coach! I can do better than that!"
12:57 pm: Another 3 and out by the Cowboys. Is the Lion's stupidity rubbing off on the Cowboys?
1:00 pm: Sean Lee runs up after the play is over, and taps the downed Lion. He then points to bobby and says "That's one, buddy!"
1:04 pm: The Cowboys appear to have lost that killer instinct as Detroit effortlessly converts third downs. Bobby is seen laughing on the sideline, and then runs up to Matthew Stafford, hits him on the shoulder and says "I made a GREAT decision to leave in free agency" Stafford, now on the ground in pure pain, screams "You got CUT from 2 teams before you came here! Get out of here. I'm not even sure I know your last name." Dejected again, Bobby turns to the half-eaten snickers bar he keeps in his shoulderpads.
1:10 pm: Nate Burleson shouts out to a girl back home.
1:14 pm: Felix Jones fumbles the ball, and gives the Lions at least a field goal. Unreal.
1:18 pm: The Cowboys give up a touchdown on a freak tipped ball. 10-7 Detroit. The season has gone south again.
1:21 pm: Halftime, and and the Cowboys are beating themselves more than the Lions are. Go figure. Time to get Dez the ball more.
1:34 pm: The opening kickoff of the half and our first official tv sighting of Mr. Carpenter. In classic fashion, he watched as his teammates tackled Bryan McCann, and then he took credit. He then looked at the cowboys sideline and held up one finger.
1:36 pm: Doug Free shouts out to a girl back home.
1:37 pm: The half starts with a 3 and out, and a chorus of Boo's led by Mr. Carpenter. Where the hell did he get that conductor's stick?
1:41 pm: 3 and out for the Lions. Do we have a defensive struggle on our hands?
1:44 pm: Holding in the endzone on Big Lenny Davis. Saftey. The cowboys are down 12-7. The shitstorm has started. Literally. Bobby is throwing feces at the Cowboys bench. No word on where the feces is coming from, or whose it is.
1:48 pm: Igor Olshansky strong like 3 bulls.
1:51 pm: Orlando Scandrick makes a huge play to knock a ball down. Incomplete hands. Bobby has run out of feces....temporarily.
MEANWHILE BRYAN MCCANN makes the headsup play of the year and returns a punt 96 yards for a TD. Unbelievable.
1:55 pm: The Lions following stupidity with more stupidity. Some cat named Fluellen cost his team 15, and they show a replay of Bobby sprinting downfield following McCann for his touchdown. He almost slipped up and celebrated out of habit. On the next play, white linebacker Sean Lee makes a legitimate tackle, and Bobby hides in a trashcan. THEN he forces a fumble that Jason Hatcher recovers. "He's so good, maybe I should just quit...."
2:00 pm: SMILES for Miles Austin. TD on his first catch of the day. 21-12
2:03 pm: Buehler again forces a touchback and denies Bobby airtime. Bobby, while noticing his mane fits the theme of the Lions, he's realizing so does his play. Depression is sinking in. He is now in the stands asking fans to buy him a cocktail. Appletini if it's available.
2:04 pm: Sean Lee continues to prove that white linebackers can play.
2:07 pm: After a long bomb to Nate Burleson, Calvin Johnson catches a TD over Terrance Newman. 21-19. Game is getting interesting, Bobby is woken up from a drunken stupor to go out on special teams. That was one strong 1/2 an appletini.
PROGRAMMING NOTE: Did I just seen Kyle VandenBosch with Red contact lenses? Wierd.....
2:09 pm: Bobby tackles Dez on the kickoff coverage. Word on the street is that Dez was bribed to go down on the play. Bobby celebrates.
2:17 pm: End of the third quarter, and we're witnessing Jon Kitna channelling his inner Romo, scrambling around and making plays. Meanwhile everyone in detroit is concerned at how they let their top qb and wr go and got a player from the beastly cowboys and yet they're still losing. Detroit VooDoo is no good, apparently.
2:22 pm: Barber going into beastmode as someone grabs barber's hair but they call it a horsecollar. Cowboys get lucky on a call, and get a first down. In an attempt to demonstrate what happened, Jim Shwartz grabs Bobby's golden locks and rips a few out, screaming "THIS IS LEGAL." Bobby cries. Again.
2:24 pm: COWBOYS GET LUCKY AGAIN with stopped forward progress. Also, his knees were down. Do they want to give me a heart attack?
2:26 pm: 2 SMILES for Miles, with 2 TDs on two catches. Unbelievable.
2:30 pm: Buehler makes a big mistake kicking the ball out of bounds. But, it does keep Bobby off of television. All his former teammates and fans in Ohio are wondering if he's still playing football, or just a myth wrapped in an enigma of terrible linebacker play.
2:34 pm: Mike Jenkins makes a HUGE hit on Jahvid Best. THere's no quit in this guy...this week.
2:35 pm: The Cowboys are stepping up and playing like they should. Jay Ratliff with his second sack of the day. Bobby C. is back in on special teams, and again does not make it into the television field of play. Bobby could only be more depressed if Keith was forcing him to hold his dip cup. Of course, just as Bobby thinks this, Jim Shwartz orders Bobby back over to hold his headphones while he yells at the ref. An errand boy for a 3rd team this season, Bobby is considering the UFL.
2:42 pm: Marc Colombo shouts out to a girl back home.
2:45 pm: The Cowboys are grinding out the rest of the clock here, while Keith and Sean are on the sidelines filling some gatorade buckets with urine. Victor Butler has been sent to the Detroit sideline to find Bobby and offer him his old job back. I think we see where this is going...
2:54 pm: Terrance Newman with the INT, and Bobby is on his way to the Cowboys sideline for a urine bath. It's good to be back in action.
3:03 pm: And with that, the game is over. We saw Bobby on the field twice, and he had excrement on him at least 3 times. Now that's what I call football. 35-19

Monday, May 10, 2010

It's official.

Sigh. All good things must end.

Today, the deal is official: Barbie has been traded to the St. Louis Rams.

Source: Dallas Cowboys swap LB Bobby Carpenter for St. Louis Rams tackle Alex Barron - ESPN Dallas

We'll have more of a goodbye to Bobby soon (along with finalizing blog subjects for this coming season), but until then, we leave you with some Isaac Hayes.

Isaac Hayes - Never Can Say Goodbye

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Farewells and Other News

It's been a busy day on this march 6th, 2010. On national mexican hangover day, it seems two teams have had enough of their once future stars.

In California, Lane Kiffin was laughing in his cushy USC office as Al Davis finally wised up and cut JaMarcus Russell-Carpenter, paving the way for Jason Campbell to become the next quarterback to fail in Oakland.

In related news, The Cowboys are in the midst of finalizing a trade sending Alex Barron from the Rams to the Cowboys in exchange for one Mrs. Barbie Russell-Carpenter. Maybe change will be good for the former first round pick, but at least 2 writers are sitting at their desks today wondering just exactly which Cowboy bust we're going to tease now. With no answers coming directly to mind, as Royshonda is a side character at best, we are temporarily reverting to the likes of Shante Carver, Peppi Zellner, Marco Rivera and the Cabo gang.

For now, though, all we can do is wish him well in his new life, and say, "Happy Trails."

We drafted Dex Bryant. There was much rejoicing.
Royshonda meanwhile was found sharpening her nails a-la wolverine, with the hopes that puncturing balls thrown her way will stick to her hands, proving she deserves to be a starter.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Another WR with a Manicure?

Shown: A rarity in the NFL these days, a thing called a "reception."

We in Dallas don't have to worry about one, but apparently the Seahawks do.

The Seatlle Seahawks today signed WRs Reggie Williams, a former Jaguar who was OK, but dabbled in cocaine, as well as former Lion Mike Williams.

It's one thing for Bill Parcells to bring in "Parcells guys" from other teams, but really, Pete?

In any case, this is me hoping that Seattle gets more national coverage this year, because I can't help myself by counting the Williams sisters' collective nails did on any given weekend.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Goodbye, Flozell

We have sad news today: Flozell Adams has been cut from the Dallas Cowboys.

And in typical Flozell fashion, it was way too early.

Flozell, you are gone, but not forgotten.

Oh yeah, and Ken Hamlin is gone, too.

Agents say the Dallas Cowboys are cutting Flozell Adams and Ken Hamlin. - ESPN Dallas

Thursday, April 1, 2010

April 1st.

Happy Matt McBriar day, everyone.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

The World Will End on August 29, 1997

Unless John Conner can stop it from happening, which he apparently did. With his new freedom, he is auditioning for the Dallas Cowboys.

"The rest of thursday's visits include(d) Kentucky fullback John Conner..." (Dallas blog)

In related news, our own Bobcat Carpenter, in preperation for the event that John Conner is in fact drafted by the Cowboys, has collected all of the iHelmets he planned to give this years draftees, as well as those own by Royshonda and himself, and hid them in a bunker under his house he has codenamed "Cyberdyne Systems." Word is he hid them first in fear of John Conner becoming confused and mistaking him and his teammates for early terminators, but then thought, "how funny would it be, if I just broke it out occasionally, put it on Keith Brooking's head during practices and watching what happens?"

No word yet on the whereabouts of Sarah Conner. Arnold Schwartzennegar declined comment.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Royshonda Williams Given The Starting Job by Jerry Jones

After the question was asked, Jerry asked Royshonda up to the podium and presented him with 10 acrylic nails with the Lombardi trophy and "Number VI" inscribed in silver on a blue background. Royshonda finally got all her nails did, and all she had to do was kiss Mr. Jones' wallet.


Well, here's to the 2010 season, America.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

This Never Happened, You Better Not Tell

In a related story, JaMar....err, I mean JaMegan Russell and the Bobcat are set to tie the knot on Feb. 23, 2010, AKA the 54th day of the year.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

What the Cowboys are Lacking

Just some LT style.

Stiff arm those guys.

Barbie Watch, Postseason Week 2

Every week, Chris and Alex follow the antics of former first round pick Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. This week, we follow Dallas to the land of blonde hair and blue eyes-- Southlake? No, Minnesota, home of the Vikings. Can Dallas advance to the NFC Championship game? Action occurs in Minnesota at Metroplex Standard Time.

11:48 pm: Fox just capped out a crazy, national recognition laden week for the Bobcat and his two fumble recoveries. Big-Head Bobby, because of his newfound fame, has outfitted his iHelmet with laser pointers and bicycle bells.

12:07 pm: 1 Smiles Austin.

12:08 pm: 2 Smiles Austin on 3rd and inches. First down Dallas.

12:10 pm: 3 Smiles Austin. This is gonna be a big day for him.

12:14 pm: Romo fumbles the ball and Dallas turns it over. Just like a punt Worse than a punt.

12:17 pm: Brett Favre tastes some glad-WARE. 4th down and a punt looming.

12:19 pm: Back in Big Ten country, Bobby begins waving his Ohio State schwag in the air at disheartened Golden Gopher fans. He then slips a Jim Tressel "OSU Alumni" sweatervest over his jersey and looks over Demarcus' shoulder at photos from the last series.

12:23 pm: 4 Smiles Austin on the tip. Cowboys are getting VERY lucky on this drive. Meanwhile, JaMarcus is back in a number 4 Suisham Jersey. Bobby is happy, but the Cowboys seem a bit intimidated. JaMarcus runs back to the sidelines for a quick cuddle and some encouraging ear-nibbles from the Bobcat.

12:30 pm: Gerald Sensabaugh almost deserves an iHelmet for that play on Sidney Rice. He had perfect coverage and just decided not to turn around to look for the ball. TD Minnesota and the Cowboys Woes of old seem to be creeping back.

12:35 pm: One box of Papa John's pizza for Martellus.

12:40 pm: 5 Smiles Austin. Wow.

12:41 pm: Two boxes of Papa John's pizza for Martellus.

12:42 pm: Choicecat I

12:43 pm: 3rd and goal following the sack and there is some miscommunication. JaMarcus Suisham back on the field and he makes this one. Bobby is seen on the sideline jumping for joy, and then opens a tin of dip to re-charge the defense. Brooking takes the entire tin and shoves it in his lip. Bobby, shocked, looks around for another tin, while the defense trots on to the field. JaMarcus then offers some encouraging ear nibbles and Bobcat feels better.

12:51 pm: A Bobcat down, and Brooking jumps offsides. That tin is making him a little antsy. Bobby does a quick "told you so" dance. Jenkins follows quickly with some incomplete hands.

12:53 pm: Bobby knows his former-BFF, AJ Hawk, is watching this game. What better way to make AJ miss what he once had than with a huge sack? Bobby races into Favre's field of vision, but Favre completes it anyway.

12:54 pm: Mike Jenkins incomplete hands.

12:56 pm: Dallas gets some pressure on Favre, but can't finish. Favre connects with Sidney Rice for his second touchdown of the day, and the Vikings lead 14-3.

Meanwhile, Wade puts on his sunglasses. He lost his Oakley pair, so all he has left are novelty jumbo 2010 glasses from New Year's Eve.

1:02 pm: Jared Allen, powered by the douchiness of his #69 jersey, strips the ball from Tony Romo. Allen then walks over to the Minnesota sideline, cracks open a Monster energy drink, begins reading a Maxim instead of studying plays, and asks girls in the crowd to make out.

1:09 pm: Dallas is panicking. Minnesota converts the turnover into three more points. Vikings lead, 17-3.

1:15 pm: Minnesota's Douchebag D contains Dallas yet again. Jimmy Kennedy changes his name to Jamie Kennedy Experiment after the Cowboys punt. Jared Allen's tribal tattoo begins to glow-- somewhere, nearby, two college girls are making out. Allen crawls into the stands to find the couple.

1:21 pm: Barbie is in on the Favre sack and then has to hold a Cowboy back from jawing in the face of Vikings. Holding the Cowboy back is just a nice perk from hugging a teammate. In that order.

HALFTIME. Minnesota 17, Dallas 3.

1:44 pm: 1st Bobbydown of the half, and the Vikings are forced to punt after some VERY GENEROUS calls for Dallas. Punt is away, but there is a flag. We may re punt.

1:52 pm: Three boxes of pizza for Martellus, but this one sucked.

1:54 pm: JaMarcus Suisham back on the field for another miss. Offseason goal: FIND A DAMN FIELD GOAL KICKER.

1:57 pm: Mike Jenkins throws some incomplete hands followed by a holding call on JAY RATLIFF? Here is our clunker of the year. And just when things can't seem to get much worse, AJ Hawk strolls down the ramp into the Cowboys sideline, and sees some interracial ear nibbling, and stares aghast at the Bobcat.

2:06 pm: AJ Hawk, still stunned at the sight of this interaction between Jamarcus and Bobby, approaches Bobby on the sideline.

AJ: Robert! What the hell is going on here?

Bobby: AJ! I didn't know you'd be here!

(Bobby knew.)

Jamarcus: Why don't you just tell him, Bobby? He might as well know now.

Bobby: Well, AJ, you're so far away now, up in Wisconsin, and I don't think I can do the long-distance thing anymore when you don't keep in touch. I know you've been busy, but Jamarcus and I share a bond, and he makes time for me. I just figured you were best friends with Clay Matthews now... and you didn't want me as your best friend anymore.

Jamarcus: The heart wants what the heart wants. Plus, we weren't going to the playoffs or anything, so I had a lot of free time.

AJ: What do your parents think about this, Robert?

Bobby: Well, after the Thanksgiving game against the Raiders, I brought Jamarcus home. They know. They've accepted us. Why can't you?


2:19 pm: Tony Romo is doing his best Brett Favre impression here today and is just giving the game away, as Favre was apt to do. Romo looks at the cameras and feigns dispair, but then winks at Favre as to say, "Now you go get that Super Bowl, big guy."

2:28 pm: Jerry Jones, after spotting AJ Hawk on the sidelines, rushes down to see what the hubbub is all about. Realizing there is not one but TWO players from other teams sitting on his bench, he becomes enraged. SCREAMING, security escorts a cat-fighting JaMarcus and AJ off the field while Jerry, red-faced, scrambles about the sideline looking for his "Blonde Bomber."
Bobcat is seen by some minnesota fans stealing the Viking mascot's horn-hat and hiding out behind the goalposts.

2:37 pm: Sidney Rice has just Randy Moss'd the Cowboys with his 3rd touchdown of the day over our best corner, Mike Jenkins. Dave Campo is seen screaming, and throwing incomplete hands in Jenkins face. Newman sticks his tongue out and screams, "How does it feel, jerk?"

2:52 pm: Did you know the Vikings human mascot has unrestricted access to the Vikings locker room? Bobby kidnaps the mascot and switches outfits. Bobby uses his new disguise and iHelmet's voice-modification app to sneak into the locker room and urinate in every single pair of shoes in the room. Payback. Sweet payback.

Meanwhile, an unconscious, slightly overweight, balding man in a Dallas Cowboys #54 uniform is slumped over in-place on the bench. No one notices the change, except Jamarcus, who is watching from a holding cell in Minneapolis.

3:00 pm: Dallas goes down in Minnesota, 34-3.

We got more than we expected from the Cowboys this year, and so we look forward to the 2010 season with greater goals and a higher standards. And Vikings, look forward to that foot fungus courtesy Barbie.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Barbie Watch, Postseason Week 1

Every week, Chris and Alex follow the antics of former first round pick Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. This week, we stay in Dallas for the rematch of week 17 against the hated Eagles. All places Dallas unless otherwise stated.

7:07 pm: Off the bat, Kosier shouts out to a girl back home.

7:08 pm: Royshonda gets one nail did. The Pinkie. It was minor.

7:10 pm: Royshonda gets a second nail did, and uses it to signal first down. Interesting...

7:11 pm: Choicecat for the first down, and the Cowboys are getting out countdowns out of the way early.

7:17 pm: Knocked out of FG position and we punt, thanks to a terrible penalty on Jason Witten and a sack on a non-block by Andre Gurode. Playoff demons? Are you back?

7:15 pm: The Cowboys try to eat off the Ogletree but Witten commits pass interference. Go figure.

7:21 pm: Bobby C in on the first Bobby down of the game, and gets some crucial pressure, causing an incompletion to Bradie James, who then signals for incomplete hands. Jenkins nods approvingly. The Cowboys now on offense, Bobby retreats to the bench to quickly treat Royshonda to a new Blue and Silver nail polish, and promises to paint his nails if he has a good game.

7:18 pm: After an anticlimactic punt, NBC shows George W. Bush sitting next to Emmitt Smith, enjoying a deep, meaningful conversation. I can only imagine what they're talking about + how many words and predicates are missing.

7:25 pm: Felix lets his 2nd cat out of the bag, follow by an Eagle sack. looks like a back and forth game.

7:27 pm: Dallas punts again, if only to kill any momentum on Philly's part from a potential missed field goal. Dallas manages to down the ball inside the five, but not before Bobby goes helmet to helmet with Player#53. Bobby comes to play in the playoffs.

7:33 pm: Bobcat makes a third down tackle and TERRANCE NEWMAN IS PUMPED. Congrats Barbie on your first meaningful play.

7:37 pm: Colombo, in his first game back, shouts out to a girl back home.

7:39 pm: Bobby begins sewing roses onto his Cowboys jersey to celebrate his Ohio State Rose Bowl victory. He then adds a rose sticker to one side of his helmet for big plays.

Bobby asks Royshonda how the Horns did in Pasadena this year. Royshonda pulls Bobby aside and, through tears, asks him to never bring up the Alabama game again.

7:41 pm: 1 Smiles Austin.

7:42 pm: Immediatly followed by a 2nd smile for pass interference. Loving it.

7:43 pm: John Phillips, 2nd cousin, with the touchdown! Dallas goes up, 7-0, and Tony Romo leap kicks onto the sideline. A few inches to the right and Wade would have lost his sunglasses.

7:46 pm: DON'T EAT OFF THE OGLETREE! What a tackle on special teams.

7:47 pm: Michael Vick to Jeremy Maclin. All the way. Touchdown. Philadelphia finally got their big play. Game is tied, 7-7.

7:52 pm: Wade Phillips challenges the Romo interception call. He throws the flag with all the conviction of a 3rd grader trying to get out of punishment but knowing he can't.

7:55 pm: Overturned!

8:01 pm: Royshonda gets a 3rd nail did, and he's 3 for 3 today....Interesting.

8:06 pm: TOUCHDOWN! Tashard Choice, thank you. Dallas 14, Philly 7.

8:10 pm: Jenkins on the coverage, and brings some incomplete hands.


8:16 pm: Royshonda gets a 4th nail did, and each one is HUGE! Roy has woken up.

8:18 pm: Roy has a whole hand did, but he fell down. Maybe he just wants one more catch this half.

8:24 pm: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, OUR OWN BOBBY CARPENTER CAME UP WITH THE FUMBLE RECOVERY! Unbelievable. Bobby and Royshonda have turned it ON this postseason. Bobby races off the field with his ball and secures it in a safe beneath his personal Gatorade cooler. One more rose sticker on his helmet.

8:29 pm: 4 SMILE AUSTIN and a TD! 24-7 Cowboys.

8:30 pm: Bobby is playing with a renewed sense of self today. He just winked on national television.

8:37 pm: Dallas turns on the heat and forces a Philadelphia fumble. I love this January momentum!

8:45 pm: Don't eat off the Ogle-bush. First down, and here comes some Suisham. Dallas makes it 27-7 going into halftime.

9:04 pm: The first Bobby down of the half and the pass is tipped. 3 and out, here comes the Cowboys offense.

9:13 pm: Jason Peters shouts out to a girl back home, Cowboys fans everywhere are thankful, meanwhile, Mike Jenkins knocks the pass out of the air and has some incomplete hands.

9:15 pm: Todd Herremans shouts out to a girl back home. Good things, man, good things.

9:20 pm: Too much dancing and too much coverage means that D-line is coming, Donovan. Anthony Spencer delivers another one of Spencer's Gifts: fake plastic vomit for pranks.

9:28 pm: Felix lets another cat out of the bag. A 74 yard cat. Amazing. 34-7 Cowboys.

9:33 pm: Mike Jenkins busts out the incomplete hands. On the very next play, he picks the ball off and tries to lateral it to Terence Newman. Philadelphia recovers the fumble.

9:35 pm: Jason Peters makes a second shout out to a girl back home.\

9:40 pm: Royshonda breaks his first nail of the game, luckily, so does Asante Samuel. Punt coming.

9:48 pm: Vick in, and throws a pass. Jenkins watches the pass go down, and throws some incomplete hands. A perfect effort.

9:50 pm: Hatcher sack.

9:57 pm: 5 Smiles Austin

9:58 pm: Choicecat II for no gain, followed by a Felix first down.

10:01 pm: 6 Smiles Austin

10:03 pm: Jason Witten shouts out to his wife back home.

10:04 pm: 7 Smiles Austin

10:10 pm: Barbie the All-Pro gets his second fumble recovery of the game. What a day.

10:29 pm: Well, it's over. The Dallas Cowboys beat the Philadelphia Eagles, 34-14, and win their first playoff game since December 28, 1996 (Chris was 11, Alex was 7). Wade is guaranteed one more year, and the Cowboys roll into the second round to take on the Vikings. Coincidentally, the Vikings were the last team the Cowboys beat in the playoffs prior to tonight.


In closing, thank you, Philadelphia, for making Bobby Carpenter look like Randy White. You made the #54 jersey proud, Barbs. Goodnight.

Postseason Predictions, 2009-10


NFC Wildcard
Dallas over Philadelphia; Green Bay over Arizona

AFC Wildcard
New York over Cincinnati; New England over Baltimore

NFC Divisional
Dallas over Minnesota; New Orleans over Green Bay

AFC Divisional
San Diego over New England; Indianapolis over New York

NFC Championship
Dallas over New Orleans

AFC Championship
San Diego over Indianapolis

Super Bowl
Dallas over San Diego



NFC Wildcard
Dallas over Philadelphia; Green Bay over Arizona

AFC Wildcard
Cincinnati over New York; New England over Baltimore

NFC Divisional
Dallas over Minnesota; Green Bay over New Orleans

AFC Divisional
San Diego over New England; Indianapolis over Cincinnati

NFC Championship
Dallas over Green Bay

AFC Championship
Indianapolis over San Diego

Super Bowl
Dallas over Indianapolis

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Barbie Watch, Week 17

Every week, Alex and Chris follow the antics on and off the field of former first round pick, Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. This week, the Cowboys take on the Eagles for the NFC East crown. All places Dallas unless otherwise stated.

3:16 pm: Kickoff, and Bobby is on the sidelines, gearing up for the game on his iHelmet with a little Toto.

3:18 pm: Leonard Davis shouts out to a girl back home.

3:24 pm: Jason Witten leans in for a BIG touchdown at the beginning of the game. Bobby runs on the field scoffing. "I coulda done that" he mutters under his breath. That's one angry urine bag stored for the Philly sideline.

3:27 pm: Buehler kicks the ball right out of the endzone, preventing Bobby's first facetime of the day. Enraged, Bobcat fills another bag of urine. Come third down, Donovan is gonna get it.

3:31 pm: Bobby-down, and they bring the pressure. To distract Donovan, a urine bag is thrown by Bobby, and Bradie James gets the sack and the facetime. Bobby silently takes credit for the sack. Moving to the sideline, he is FINALLY acknowledged by Wade with a sutble high-five, followed by feverish hand washing, after Wade remembers just what Bobby was handling.

3:36 pm: Martellus Bennett shouts out to a girl back home, and gets sent straight to the bench. Martellus can now make a lengthy phone call to said girl, as he will probably sit the rest of the game.

3:42 pm: A tipped ball and an interception in the red zone for Romo. We were just commenting on how strong the Cowboys were looking. Go figure. On another note, Royshonda and Romo have compiled an astounding 45% completion rate for the season. Averaged out, he has broken more nails than he's gotton did this season. The BUST label looming, Royshonda looks over to Bobcat for advice. Bobby just hits shuffle on Royshonda's iHelmet, and Royshonda sinks into the bench, tears in his eyes, while belting out Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You"

3:46 pm: Bobbydown, and he bites on the scramble. McNabb completes to Celek. Bobby sits on the bench with a hearty "Goddamnit, Bobby" raining down from the sidelines.

3:51 pm: Brent Celek is beginning to kill us on Bobby downs. Are our Tight End Woes back? Is Roy Williams playing saftey again? I sure hope not. Meanwhile Carpenter is in on second down, and Pro-Bowl-Snub Jenkins breaks up the pass. Incomplete hands.

3:54 pm: Jeremy Maclin does his best Royshonda impression and breaks a nail. The Cowboys get a break and it's 4th and 8. Bobby celebrates by pouring a bag out into the Eagles Gatorade container. Cheers, Donovan. Subtle high fives abound on the Cowboys sideline.

4:02 pm: An illegal snap on Andre Gurode, and he shouts out to a girl back home. That's 5 penalties so far. I wonder how much the Eagles paid the refs.

4:04 pm: 6th penalty. A hold. This is terrible. I don't see a hold. These refs are being a BIT ticky tack.

4:06 pm: 3 smiles Austin. And just an incredible catch and perfect throw. Good teams overcome penalties.

4:08 pm: Timeout number 1 for Dallas, after Romo finally ran out of time on the play clock. He runs to the sideline to yell at Bobby for not resetting the play clock. Apparently, since Bobcat has so much time on the sidelines to mess around with lasers, urine bags, iHelmets, and Royshonda manicures, Wes Phillips decided to give him a real job. After all, we are paying him to do all these things. Already, Jerry is considering firing him.

4:11 pm: Crayton gets the touchdown, and it's Romo's 2nd of the day. The Cowboys are on a bit of a roll here. 3 drives, all inside the 20, and one lucky interception by Philly. This is a dominating performance thus far. Think the Boys are a little mad about 44-6 last year? This might just be redemption.

4:18 pm: The pressure is coming after the center for Philly, but it's not getting there. McNabb is beating the Cowboys deep, but as I type there's a fumble and Ratliff recovers. A straight drop by McNabb, word is he was disgusted by the thick urine coating on the ball. Ratliff, unfazed, picks up the fumbled snap. First down Boys, and another subtle high five for Bobcat. An interesting day it's becoming, with so much praise for the much maligned finesse linebacker.

4:22 pm: The Cowboys try to eat off the Ogletree and miss. However, the Eagles swat at Romo's face, roughing the passer. That's a cowboy-esque penalty. First down boys.

4:27 pm: Royshonda breaks a very confused looking nail. FG attempt looming. And, it's good. 17-0 Cowboys.

4:31 pm: After the play, Jason Peters pulls a Flozell and knocks Jenkins WAY into the bench, as well as a facemask. Jenkins signals incomplete hands.

4:36 pm: Bobby keeps Brian Westbrook inbounds to end the half. The Play of his career, Bobby celebrates by showing incomplete hands. Jenkins smacks him with his own urine bag, further bleaching Bobby's blonde hair.

"Bobby, he completed the pass, you can't do incomplete hands, you idiot."

"I know, but he didn't get the first down"

"But he caught the ball. You're a failure as a football player. As punishment, I'mma make you sit on the star for all of halftime. You're in the worlds biggest mush-pot"


Wes Phillips turns and just nods his head. Bobby sighs, then sits on the star, flips down his iHelmet visor and begins the critically acclaimed "Cars" from Disney-Pixar.


4:52 pm: Terrance Newman gets injured on the first play of the half. Campo is seen screaming at Newmans knee.

4:55 pm: 3rd and 2 and they pass is dropped. Bobby does a timid incomplete hands, and Jenkins gives an approving nod. Akers on for the FG and MISSES IT. 17-0 still, Dallas leads.

4:59 pm: a 7th penalty, another hold. It brings back ANOTHER long play by Felix Jones. The Cowboys are having a rough time here. I think the Eagles have just 2 penalties. Amazing this team is able to overcome the stupidity.

5:04 pm: Newman is back in the game, after his knee had simply had enough of Campo's tomfoolery. Also, Max Jean-Gilles shouts out to a girl back home.

5:05 pm: First Bob-down of the 2nd half, and McNabb throws the ball directly at Bobby's feet. Bobby throws incomplete hands and asks for intentional grounding. "You're starting to understand now, young padawan" says Jenkins.

5:11 pm: Delay of Game, the sidelines point to Bobby. Wade SCREAMS for the first time in his three years here. Wes is just dissapointed. Bobby is forced by David Buehler to drink a bag of his own urine, as a form of Hara kiri, to save face.

5:15 pm: Leonard Weaver breaks a nail, and it's Bob-Down. McNabb fumbles, but then quickly recovers on a lucky bounce. Spencer buys a vibrating cucumber to give to the Eagles.

5:20 pm: FELIX JONES TO THE HOUSE! The cat pulls 1 trick out of his bag.

5:25 pm: Bobcat gets a SACK! But only because Spencer teed him up. That 5 seconds late strategy Carpenter uses finally pays off. Happy Sack day, Bobcat. Wade gives a subtle high five.

5:29 pm: Don't eat off the Ogletree!

5:37 pm: Suisham on for the FG attempt, and he pulls a Folk. JaMarcus Suisham, everyone. Bobby smiles from ear to ear. His best bud is back in town.

5:40 pm: Jason Hatcher gets his first sack of the year sans helmet, and there's a penalty for illegal hands to the face. That's one of the gutsiest tackles I've ever seen. Next play, Pro Bowl snub Mike Jenkins gets to throw incomplete hands.

5:47 pm: The game is starting to wind down, and AMAZINGLY the Cowboys have held their opponants to 0 points in the last 7+ quarters. Even if the Eagles score in garbage time, this is extremely encouraging. Makes you wonder if this team is fighting for Wade Phillips' job.

5:51 pm: A note, the Cowboys have NEVER shut out two opponants in consecutive weeks. I hope this isn't like a no-hitter jinx or something.

6:09 pm: 4th and 11. one play and the double-shutout is complete. JENKINS WITH INCOMPLETE HANDS. 2 shutouts, 2 weeks. Incredible.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Week 17

Alex and Chris pick the weekend's NFL games.