Sunday, January 3, 2010

Barbie Watch, Week 17

Every week, Alex and Chris follow the antics on and off the field of former first round pick, Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. This week, the Cowboys take on the Eagles for the NFC East crown. All places Dallas unless otherwise stated.

3:16 pm: Kickoff, and Bobby is on the sidelines, gearing up for the game on his iHelmet with a little Toto.

3:18 pm: Leonard Davis shouts out to a girl back home.

3:24 pm: Jason Witten leans in for a BIG touchdown at the beginning of the game. Bobby runs on the field scoffing. "I coulda done that" he mutters under his breath. That's one angry urine bag stored for the Philly sideline.

3:27 pm: Buehler kicks the ball right out of the endzone, preventing Bobby's first facetime of the day. Enraged, Bobcat fills another bag of urine. Come third down, Donovan is gonna get it.

3:31 pm: Bobby-down, and they bring the pressure. To distract Donovan, a urine bag is thrown by Bobby, and Bradie James gets the sack and the facetime. Bobby silently takes credit for the sack. Moving to the sideline, he is FINALLY acknowledged by Wade with a sutble high-five, followed by feverish hand washing, after Wade remembers just what Bobby was handling.

3:36 pm: Martellus Bennett shouts out to a girl back home, and gets sent straight to the bench. Martellus can now make a lengthy phone call to said girl, as he will probably sit the rest of the game.

3:42 pm: A tipped ball and an interception in the red zone for Romo. We were just commenting on how strong the Cowboys were looking. Go figure. On another note, Royshonda and Romo have compiled an astounding 45% completion rate for the season. Averaged out, he has broken more nails than he's gotton did this season. The BUST label looming, Royshonda looks over to Bobcat for advice. Bobby just hits shuffle on Royshonda's iHelmet, and Royshonda sinks into the bench, tears in his eyes, while belting out Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You"

3:46 pm: Bobbydown, and he bites on the scramble. McNabb completes to Celek. Bobby sits on the bench with a hearty "Goddamnit, Bobby" raining down from the sidelines.

3:51 pm: Brent Celek is beginning to kill us on Bobby downs. Are our Tight End Woes back? Is Roy Williams playing saftey again? I sure hope not. Meanwhile Carpenter is in on second down, and Pro-Bowl-Snub Jenkins breaks up the pass. Incomplete hands.

3:54 pm: Jeremy Maclin does his best Royshonda impression and breaks a nail. The Cowboys get a break and it's 4th and 8. Bobby celebrates by pouring a bag out into the Eagles Gatorade container. Cheers, Donovan. Subtle high fives abound on the Cowboys sideline.

4:02 pm: An illegal snap on Andre Gurode, and he shouts out to a girl back home. That's 5 penalties so far. I wonder how much the Eagles paid the refs.

4:04 pm: 6th penalty. A hold. This is terrible. I don't see a hold. These refs are being a BIT ticky tack.

4:06 pm: 3 smiles Austin. And just an incredible catch and perfect throw. Good teams overcome penalties.

4:08 pm: Timeout number 1 for Dallas, after Romo finally ran out of time on the play clock. He runs to the sideline to yell at Bobby for not resetting the play clock. Apparently, since Bobcat has so much time on the sidelines to mess around with lasers, urine bags, iHelmets, and Royshonda manicures, Wes Phillips decided to give him a real job. After all, we are paying him to do all these things. Already, Jerry is considering firing him.

4:11 pm: Crayton gets the touchdown, and it's Romo's 2nd of the day. The Cowboys are on a bit of a roll here. 3 drives, all inside the 20, and one lucky interception by Philly. This is a dominating performance thus far. Think the Boys are a little mad about 44-6 last year? This might just be redemption.

4:18 pm: The pressure is coming after the center for Philly, but it's not getting there. McNabb is beating the Cowboys deep, but as I type there's a fumble and Ratliff recovers. A straight drop by McNabb, word is he was disgusted by the thick urine coating on the ball. Ratliff, unfazed, picks up the fumbled snap. First down Boys, and another subtle high five for Bobcat. An interesting day it's becoming, with so much praise for the much maligned finesse linebacker.

4:22 pm: The Cowboys try to eat off the Ogletree and miss. However, the Eagles swat at Romo's face, roughing the passer. That's a cowboy-esque penalty. First down boys.

4:27 pm: Royshonda breaks a very confused looking nail. FG attempt looming. And, it's good. 17-0 Cowboys.

4:31 pm: After the play, Jason Peters pulls a Flozell and knocks Jenkins WAY into the bench, as well as a facemask. Jenkins signals incomplete hands.

4:36 pm: Bobby keeps Brian Westbrook inbounds to end the half. The Play of his career, Bobby celebrates by showing incomplete hands. Jenkins smacks him with his own urine bag, further bleaching Bobby's blonde hair.

"Bobby, he completed the pass, you can't do incomplete hands, you idiot."

"I know, but he didn't get the first down"

"But he caught the ball. You're a failure as a football player. As punishment, I'mma make you sit on the star for all of halftime. You're in the worlds biggest mush-pot"


Wes Phillips turns and just nods his head. Bobby sighs, then sits on the star, flips down his iHelmet visor and begins the critically acclaimed "Cars" from Disney-Pixar.


4:52 pm: Terrance Newman gets injured on the first play of the half. Campo is seen screaming at Newmans knee.

4:55 pm: 3rd and 2 and they pass is dropped. Bobby does a timid incomplete hands, and Jenkins gives an approving nod. Akers on for the FG and MISSES IT. 17-0 still, Dallas leads.

4:59 pm: a 7th penalty, another hold. It brings back ANOTHER long play by Felix Jones. The Cowboys are having a rough time here. I think the Eagles have just 2 penalties. Amazing this team is able to overcome the stupidity.

5:04 pm: Newman is back in the game, after his knee had simply had enough of Campo's tomfoolery. Also, Max Jean-Gilles shouts out to a girl back home.

5:05 pm: First Bob-down of the 2nd half, and McNabb throws the ball directly at Bobby's feet. Bobby throws incomplete hands and asks for intentional grounding. "You're starting to understand now, young padawan" says Jenkins.

5:11 pm: Delay of Game, the sidelines point to Bobby. Wade SCREAMS for the first time in his three years here. Wes is just dissapointed. Bobby is forced by David Buehler to drink a bag of his own urine, as a form of Hara kiri, to save face.

5:15 pm: Leonard Weaver breaks a nail, and it's Bob-Down. McNabb fumbles, but then quickly recovers on a lucky bounce. Spencer buys a vibrating cucumber to give to the Eagles.

5:20 pm: FELIX JONES TO THE HOUSE! The cat pulls 1 trick out of his bag.

5:25 pm: Bobcat gets a SACK! But only because Spencer teed him up. That 5 seconds late strategy Carpenter uses finally pays off. Happy Sack day, Bobcat. Wade gives a subtle high five.

5:29 pm: Don't eat off the Ogletree!

5:37 pm: Suisham on for the FG attempt, and he pulls a Folk. JaMarcus Suisham, everyone. Bobby smiles from ear to ear. His best bud is back in town.

5:40 pm: Jason Hatcher gets his first sack of the year sans helmet, and there's a penalty for illegal hands to the face. That's one of the gutsiest tackles I've ever seen. Next play, Pro Bowl snub Mike Jenkins gets to throw incomplete hands.

5:47 pm: The game is starting to wind down, and AMAZINGLY the Cowboys have held their opponants to 0 points in the last 7+ quarters. Even if the Eagles score in garbage time, this is extremely encouraging. Makes you wonder if this team is fighting for Wade Phillips' job.

5:51 pm: A note, the Cowboys have NEVER shut out two opponants in consecutive weeks. I hope this isn't like a no-hitter jinx or something.

6:09 pm: 4th and 11. one play and the double-shutout is complete. JENKINS WITH INCOMPLETE HANDS. 2 shutouts, 2 weeks. Incredible.

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