Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Week 12 Postmortem

Ordinarily, we would go into more detail on the past week, but because of the holiday season (re: food), we're going to keep it simple.

Head to head

Correct picks, Alex

Correct picks, Chris

Records this week
Alex: 8-8
Chris: 10-6

Overall records

Alex: 104-71-1
Chris: 111-64-1

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Barbie Watch, Week 12

Every week, Alex and Chris (out of town today) bring you the sideline antics of America's favorite draft bust, Bobby Carpenter. This week, the watch begins roughly at 12:00 CST. All locations Dallas unless otherwise stated.

11:40 am - The Cowboys are wearing throwback unis today in honor of the classic holiday season. Bobby came out in his Blues from last week. After running out of the tunnel and realizing he was in the wrong uniform, he noticed a certain other white LB chuckling to himself. "It's gonna be a good day," Bobby thinks to himself, as he schemes his way back into the locker room to change.

12:08 pm - Bobby was in on the FG block team, after rushing in 10 minutes late because of a uniform mishap. Zach Thomas is noticed, still giggling.

12:15 pm - A bad punt by Sam "Bam" Paulescu. Bobby, noticing that A) he should have been on the field, B) Zach was watching him pour ice-cold water into his helmet, and C) he could've kicked the ball better than Sam, quickly seized his opportunity to talk to Special Teams coach Bruce Reed and audition for 3rd-string punter.

12:26 pm - Bobby in again on FG block. He moped on to the field after his laser-- pointed in the eyes of Anthony Henry-- drew a clear pass interference penalty. Unfortunately Zach, who found Bobby's keyring of devices (entirely laser pointers), shined them all into the eyes of the referees. TD denied.

12:34 pm - Bobby Carpenter in on the tackle on special teams. As a juvenile joke, he's been drinking Gatorade as much as possible, so he can pee on the next guy he tackles.
No information on whether Zach is planning to punch him in the gut or not.

12:39 pm -Bobby in again on the FG block. Stood there, unable to move with a full bladder.

12:49 pm - When Zach finally figured out why Bobby was limping along the sideline, he duct-taped him to the bench. Bobby was recently spotted by Pam Oliver, soaked in his own tears and urine. The coaches ignore Bobby, citing this as "a common occurance"

12:54 pm - With that blocked punt by Carlos Polk, the entire team turns to Bobby, who, still duct taped to the bench says, "What? *sniff sniff* I coulda done that with my eyes closed"

Zach, who now feels bad, unties him. Then gives him a manly punch-to-the-gut. Just to let Bobby know it isn't over.

1:02 pm - Bobby, I believe, was in on that last punt formation. It's hard to tell, as he was swatting at something in the air, with his eyes closed. Chances are the rest of the defense was let in on the laser keyring.

1:12 pm - It's clear that, on that last kickoff, Bobby switched jerseys with Nick Folk, as the kickoff goes out of bounds at the 20. Let it be noted that Bobby is forcing himself into tryouts for other positions now.

1:19 pm - With the exception of Terrell Owens, the offense is anemic. This blogger has to wonder what is going on, as Bobby can't trade jerseys with everyone.

1:23 pm - Zach Thomas returns a fumble for a touchdown, but is incorrectly ruled down by contact by a phantom whistle. That phantom was Bobby. Zach is not happy. Stay tuned.

1:28 pm - I'm considering starting a Greg Manusky watch. Did anyone else see that BEAUTIFUL Bobby-esque mustache on that guy?

1:34 pm - After that huge smack by Bradie James, the team celebrated into the locker room. Bobby, watching the first season of Grey's Anatomy on his new iPhone, realized everyone was gone, and leapt up to join the team in the locker room, only to trip over his shoes, tied together, with a note reading, "Blow that whistle again, see what happens."

1:53 pm - Flozell false starts as a shout out to his girl back home, but it is reversed by a neutral zone infraction on the defense. Flo is not happy.

1:55 pm - Flozell False starts as a shout out to his girl back home. This time for real.

1:58 pm - Bobby is not seen on the kickoff coverage, and it can be assumed that Carlos Polk is taking his place after the blocked punt earlier in the game. Message to Bobby from the writer - GROW BACK THE 'STACHE. It's good luck. And it's more intimidating.

2:14 pm - Bobby is up to his laser pointer antics again, this time his victim is Tashard Choice. Zach Thomas, after the play, shoots Bobby a menacing look as he runs onto the field.

2:18 pm - Zach gave his best motivational speech of the year, "Intercept this pass, and we tape Bobby to the showers after the game."

Bobby is seen hiding in the stands near a large blonde woman. Confused, Zach punches them both.

2:33 pm - With the game more or less over, the defense, led by Zach, are seen getting together rope, duct tape, and placing bars of soap in socks, all the while the backups are told to stare menacingly at Bobby until he cries. This takes approximately 2:47 mins.

2:52 pm - Bobby, now standing on the sidelines right next to Wade in hopes he'll get some protection, repeats everything Wade says to motivate the defense. Wade grows annoyed, and wonders where his son Wes is. This is what quality control is for.

3:02 pm - Bobby makes his first appearance on TV on the game, on the kickoff coverage. Funny how we only see him when something bad happens...

3:20 pm - And that's the game, ladies an gentlemen. Tune in next time.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Week 12 in the NFL

Alex and Chris pick the weekend's NFL games and offer insight on their differences.

Alex: Considering Pitt won last night, do you want to start with his rating for this week?

(note: all picks are made before kickoff & before posts)

Chris: I know no details of the game, just that they won. And we both had Pit.

Alex: Against a lowly Bengals team, where talent seems endangered. Which is why I'm going Roethlis-poacher.

Chris: Hahaha, I'll go.. Roethlis-helicopter-hunter.

Alex: Hahaha. A quick note before we get on to the differences... We both picked Flacco this week. Maybe we break the trend, or you're just falling in line. Who knows. Or maybe it's like dividing by 0.

Chris: I wonder if we've ever both picked Bal?

Alex: Should I run through the weeks?

Chris: Sure.

Alex: Funny. We did once. In week 2. When the game was postponed by Ike. And then, when the game came back on, one of us changed the pick. And I changed my pick to Houston.

Chris: Crazy. Natural disaster heading to the east coast?

Alex: Possible.

Chris: What if Joe Flacco knew you were going to change to Houston, and since then, he's been playing to spite you?

Alex: He must be. And honestly, going through the books, I am 0-10 for Baltimore games this year. How does that happen?

Chris: Wow, that's amazing. I think at the end of the year, we can look at team by team records based on our picks, see who hates us and who loves us.

Alex: It's a good final issue.

Alex: Ok, onto the first difference. You have the Lowly Lions, and I have the Bucs. I will give you this, the Bucs have a tendancy to play to a team's level.

Chris: This is based solely on hope, and help, because this would be great for the Cowboys.

Alex: You know, Detroit hasn't won yet, which is why I'm not picked them. But remember— Brad Johnson beat the Bucs. So...it's definetly possible.

Chris: True. Hopefully Detroit has some secrets on defense.

Alex: Next, You have Buffalo, I have KC. I'm sorry, but my faith in Trent Edwards is completely gone after Monday night. Thats was a horrible performance.

Chris: Yeah, it was. But this time I think he's taken his practice against a better team in Cleveland and he'll hand off like no other against KC. Maybe mix in a pass

Alex: Haha. I just like scrappy KC. They deserve a game. And if Herm Edwards could coach, they'd be a decent .500 team next year.

Chris: Yeah.

Alex: Next, you have ATL and i have CAR. This one will be close.

Chris: Yeah, and it really could go either way with those running games, but I put more stock in Matt Ryan this week at home.

Alex: You know, that's a good point. But it seems to me Carolina is having a bit of a dream season. Plus, they're the division leaders. A loss for ATL only helps us.

Chris: Very quietly having a dream season, in fact. And true, I guess I want the division leaders to start running away with it. So my heart wants Car, but my head says Atl, in the Michael Vick - Rae Carruth Bowl.

Alex: Hahahahaha. Wonderful.

Alex: Ok, last difference. You take NYG, and I have ARI in an upset. I think Kurt Warner wants revenge.

Chris: I would love that, but again, I just think NYG are on too much of a roll. But this is the exact game where the Giants screw up— see Cleveland and almost Bengals.

Alex: Yeah. And Arizona, while still Arizona, is a good team this year. It's primed and ready to go.

Chris: It would be great to avenge the 199...8? playoff loss to Arizona with a Dallas win over them this year.

Alex: For the finale, Bobby Carpenter is returning from a groin injury this week, after having Chris Martin from Coldplay sing directly into it.

Chris: hahahah

Alex: So, what is his overall effect this week?

Chris: He'll probably make a great tackle in the 3rd quarter in a game no one else will be watching.

Alex: Haha. I'd love to see him knock a guy out cold. And then have the play negated by a penalty.

Chris: Assign Bobby to only hit players of SF who step on our star, even if they were just running by on a kickoff.

Alex: Haha. He's the designated George Teague this week.

Other picks this week
Pittsburgh over Cincinnati
Baltimore over Philadelphia
Cleveland over Houston
Chicago over St. Louis
Tennessee over New York Jets
Miami over New England
Minnesota over Jacksonville
Dallas over San Francisco
Denver over Oakland
Washington over Seattle
Indianapolis over San Diego
Green Bay over New Orleans

Overall records
Alex: 96-63-1
Chris: 101-58-1

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Week 11 Postmortem

A look back at the week, our picks, and our blunders.

Alex: Check this out. Wait for the sponser.

Chris: Are you serious? Is Ty serious?

Alex: Yes. Isn't that great?

Chris: There is too much wrong with that ad... uniform, logo, everything. A van. Men in vans don't equal safety.

Alex: According to Ty Detmer, former Heisman winner, they do. And if you can't trust a great college football player, who can you trust? I mean, Maurice Clarett is like my best friend. Great financial advisor, I might add.

Chris: I routinely keep $25,000 worth of stuff in my car now (I forget if that was the worth of his stolen goods).

Alex: I don't remember. My one lasting image of him is in that orange jumpsuit. And I also remember thinking to myself when the Bronco's drafted him, "See, now the Broncos are going to have another 1000 yard rusher, he was good in college, just had some problems." Man, did I ever eat my words. I feel that's a good holiday opener.

Alex: Moving into last week, our first difference was the now infamous tie game between Cincy and Philly. Given that neither of us won, or really lost, just give me your thoughts on Donovan.

Chris: I just hope the Bengals' lack of an offense there wont end up hurting the Cowboys in the wildcard race. And Donovan needs to learn the NFL rulebook. At least the page on regular season overtime. Now you'll wonder if he intentionally toned it down because he thought maybe there would be a 2OT

Alex: Here's the thing that confuses me. The last tie game was in 2002. Pittsburgh and Atlanta. Donovan was in his prime then. It's not like he wasn't in the league. So, given that that was big news then, I don't understand how he misses it.

Alex: Second difference, You had KC and I had NO. NO is flaky this year, I'm just going off hunches with them.

Chris: Yeah. Sooner or later, KC might just learn how to finish.

Alex: Well, maybe they should talk to Cleveland, 'cause it seems they finally figured it out.

Chris: If you kick enough field goals, one may eventually win the game for you.

Alex: Haha. Bingo.

Alex: Next difference. FUCK Joe Flacco. Bal for me, NYG for you. Gah. I'm officially picking Bal to win the Dallas-Bal game. Just to ensure Dallas wins.

Chris: Good. He doesn't like you. He's going to go against every pick you make of his games.

Alex: I feel like we need a Joe Flacco rule. Whatever I put on paper is the opposite of what I think will actually happen.

Chris: Haha. Sadly that won't get you the win on paper, but it will in your heart.

Alex: That's all that counts. Didn't you see Rudy?

Chris: Sho 'nuff

Alex: Ok, 3rd and final difference in week 11. Chi-Gb. I had GB. Ouch, C-bass.

Chris: Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking. Maybe GB would collapse. Implode. Because the only way Chicago can win is to benefit from someone else messing up.

Alex: Yeah, I mean don't get me wrong. I have very little faith in GB. But with Orton injured still a little, and Rex just completely incompetent. I have no faith in Chi-town at the moment.

Chris: We need division leaders to start running away with games.

Alex: Roethlis-rating?

Chris: Not world-beating but good enough. Basically the trend of this year.

Alex: Pretty much. Roethlis-tenderized.

Other holiday slip-ups:

Records this week
Alex: 11-4-1
Chris: 9-6-1

Overall records

Alex: 96-63-1
Chris: 101-58-1

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Barbie Watch, Week 11

Every week, Alex and Chris scour the NFL for Bobby Carpenter sightings and log each with time and location. Tonight our focus heads to the nation's capital Landover, Maryland. The game is set to kick-off at 7:15 pm, CT, with or without Bobby Carpenter.

All locations Washington, D.C., Landover, Maryland unless stated otherwise.

7:01 pm - Will Bobby play? Time will tell... For those scoring at home, Washington is wearing white at home, which means the Cowboys are wearing back luck blue. Disrespect is the highest form of respect.

7:22 pm - Andrea Kramer interviews Romo's pinkie.

7:28 pm - Dallas punts after its first series. Bobby is nowhere to be seen, but rest assured, he would have 1) nailed the tackle, and 2) not grabbed a facemask. For the rest of the night, I think we can assume Bobby is wearing jeans and his Cowboys jersey on the sidelines, high school style. That is, unless Bobby is dropped off via parachute from the Blue Angels.

7:36 pm - Remember the old commercial where a football team is given muscle relaxants before a game, and they all fall over at the line? See the Dallas Defense. It has been noted that Bobby was seen walking out of Wade's office this week, with a bottle of unknown origin, snickering to himself, "If I can't play, then no one can...."

7:42 pm - Flozell Adams commits his 23rd false start since 2007. What no one else knows is false starting is his special way of shouting out to his woman back home. Don't worry— she loves him, too.

7:45 pm - Bobby just did his team a favor, but unknowingly. The coaches, knowing Bobby was upset about not playing, and also knowing he is colorblind, dressed him in Maroon tonight and placed him on the opposite sideline. Bobby called a timeout, trying to throw off Tony Romo's rhythm on offense, to prove how badly the Cowboys need him. It is noted that Bobby is still unsure how the Redskins were awarded the timeout, and why Wade looks so slim, and is more "aw shucks" than usual.

8:10 pm - Bobby's no fool. After the maroon jersey stunt, Bobby saunters over to the Cowboys sideline and waits to exact his revenge. His victim? Terrell Owens. Washington intercepts Romo on another slant pass to TO. What broke his focus? Beams from Bobby's laser pointer/ ballpoint pen keychain, shining directly into TO's eyes. Who says you can't find good stuff in airplane mall catalogs?

8:34 pm - Romo goes up and down the field, spreading out passes to TO, (the good) Roy, Barber, and Witten. TO's key grab takes the Cowboys inside the 5, and also shows TO can hang onto a ball. Anyone can catch a ball when you don't have a laser pointer directed at your eyes. Wade's son, Wesley (in charge of quality control) caught Bobby pointing the laser at Zach Thomas' crotch along the sidelines and took it away. Cowboys score a TD on a Barber run.

8:36 pm - Bobby has found his way up to the booth, and, on a hope that he may play running back, by telling coach Barber's fire is out, he challenges the ruling. Good thing the refs know better.

8:45 pm - The team heads to the locker room for halftime, but Wade tells Bobby he can't come in the room since he's not dressed to play today. "Sorry, Bobby, but you need to be suited up in pads," Wade warns. "Nothing personal, just business." Bobby takes a page from Mike Singletary's playbook and drops his pants as a motivational tool, trying anything he can to prove he should be in that locker room. Unfortunately, Wade shut the door while Bobby was working on his button-fly. So Bobby returns to the sideline to plan revenge. And he waits.

9:07 pm - With that interception, Bobby is seen sulking on the sidelines, as he can't tell anyone on the punt or fg try that he could've made the block to change the game, if he were in of course.

9:10 pm - Wesley Phillips, not really doing anything, takes out Bobby's laser pointer and can't figure out how to work it. So he calls Bobby over and asks him to show him the ropes. Bobby says, "Okay, I'll show you... only if I can hold it to show you." Wesley hands it over. And Bobby sprints away, snickering. First thing Bobby does? Shines it at TO, who drops a pass.

9:20 pm - Bobby, aiming for the linebacker playing his position on the FG block, gets pushed by Zach while he's on the way off the field. The laser pointer goes directly into Suisham's eyes, forcing the FG miss. Bobby is seen pacing back and forth, cursing the acme laser company.

9:52 pm - Terrance Newman breaks up a key fourth down attempt by Washington and runs down the sideline, arms out, airplane style. Bobby, thinking this was some unpatriotic shout-out to Europe in our nation's capital, runs up to Terrance on the sideline and shoves him as hard as he can in the chest, screaming "NO! It's called SOCCER! I won't let you spread the wealth!" Cowboys medical staff notifies the team psychologist.

10:07 pm - Marion Barber converts the fourth down ... and Bobby Carpenter's heart grew three sizes that play. The Cowboys win tonight!

10:08 pm - Zach Thomas walks by, grinning for no reason. "Hey rookie, thanks for winning the game tonight. You were so important to the victory. You really should be a captain," Thomas adds. "I'm just glad to be here, Mr. Thomas," Bobby chimes, returning Zach's sarcasm. "Here's a Gatorade. You deserve it." Zach takes a deep swig, until he remembers what happened last time Bobby was in charge of refreshments. He spits it out and looks around for "that little pranking sum'bitch." But Bobby is nowhere to be seen... Batman? No. NBC is doing post-game interviews and Bobby needs facetime.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Bobby Carpenter injury update

Alex: Do you want to comment on our previous breaking news? The origins of this groin injury of mystery?

Chris: I haven't heard anything new, but I will speculate that Zach Thomas shoved Bobby in the shower, causing him to skid across the tiled floor. But that didn't screw up the groin. The groin was screwed up when Bobby knelt behind Zach on all fours, Orlando Scandrick shoved Zach over Bobby, and then Bobby stood up clapping. Then Zach kicked him.

Alex: Hahaha. What was Scandrick's punishment? Or is every rookie allowed to think Bobby is cool once, until they learn?

Chris: Yeah, it's a rookie mistake. Scandrick had to mop the floor but that's about it.

Alex: Ok. I see it a bit differently. We've reported on this blog over the last 4 weeks that Bobby was campaigning for the job of center and/ or backup QB. I'm willing to bet that he went to Wade to show him he could take a snap, and Gurode delibrately snapped it early into Bobby's crotch.

Chris: hahahahaha

Alex: Gurode was the team's hero for a day.

Chris: I think it'd be hilarious if centers practice their accuracy snapping at objects in the room... say, maybe Gurode was 20 feet away and Bobby had no idea... "Hey guys, check this out."

Alex: You know what? I like that better. It's funnier. Bobby plays the role of Sunshine in Remember the Titans. Except no one ends up liking him, and he doesn't make plays.

Found at the scene of the crime... inspirational '80s music? What's on Bobby's iPod?

Week 11 in the NFL

Alex and Chris pick the weekend's NFL games and offer insight on their differences.

Alex: Ok, so, this might be a hope/prayer, but I also think Chad Johnson is due for his... I'm picking Cincy over Philly. They've had close games vs. the NFC East and I think they're at Cincy.

Chris: I think that's too dangerous, I think Philly is pissed and doesn't want to lose ground to some AFC CENTRAL opponent this year. I'm talking late '90s vintage Bengals. These aren't playoff Bengals anymore

Alex: Haha. When were they?

Chris: '80s and a spurt with Palmer.

Alex: And then in comes Kitna.

Alex: Ok, next, you have KC, who is due, I agree, but I think the Saints firepower is just way too high.

Chris: I think somehow KC escapes despite a 400 yard passing performance from Brees. Again.

Alex: Does Drew Brees break Marino's record for most yards in a season? I think he will.

Chris: Sure, why not. Small victories.

Alex: Haha. I also think, in spite of this, 8-8 for the Saints.

Chris: The Cowboys need every team to suck, so this is a great chance to get space.

Alex: Ok, finally. I picked Joe Flacco to win. Over, of all people, NYG.

Chris: And you know what that means. Shame on you! Shame. On. You.

Alex: I'm just saying. Maybe he can break the streak.

Chris: Maybe. Part of me picked NYG because I think they're better and scarier, but the other part wants them as cocky as possible for the playoffs. Not confident, but cocky.

Alex: And I picked Baltimore, because, I'll tell ya, Ray Ray is playing lights out this year. Ended RaShard Mendenhall's season. Had 2 picks last week. I'm just expecting them to play up to the Giants level.

Chris: Did he show up at your dorm door in CS?

Alex: No. Of course not. And even if said linebacker did, I would not be able to disclose that information.

Chris: Hahah.

Alex: Moving on... and no longer talking about Ray... who is a great, great linebacker, and person, who would never murder anyone...

Alex: You have Chicago, and I have GB. I'm sorry, Orton is still hurt, and Rexy... not that sexy.

Chris: I have on good word that Brian Urlacher used to be a nerd and suffered from self-esteem issues, but a change in his daily routine has given him a confidence boost, and I expect that boost to overcome any deficiencies from quarterbacking.

Alex: Hahaha. Did you sign a deal with Old Spice Swagger?

Chris: Yes, and I've been feeling great after making the switch.

Alex: Have you gained 200 pounds of muscle yet?

Chris: No, I just started. Check back in the playoffs.

Alex: Ok. Wow... So that was our last difference of the week. Pretty straightforward this week, I guess.

Chris: I think so.

Alex: Roethlis-predictions?

Chris: Roethlis-Super Nintendo, basically the greatest thing ever, especially against some yo-yo, unpredictable team.

Alex: Wow. Going beyond food products.

Chris: Whoops, forgot that.

Alex: It's ok. There are people out there that eat electronics. There's that guy in the Guiness Book of Records.

Chris: Roethlis-Super Nintendo Birthday Cake.

Alex: Hahaha. I think I agree with you, so this week I'm going Roethlis-steak tar tare. Sophisticated, and generally agree to be great, at least by the few able to experience it.

Other picks this week
New England over New York Jets
Atlanta over Denver
Carolina over Detroit
Minnesota over Tampa Bay
Miami over Oakland
Indianapolis over Houston
San Francisco over St. Louis
Arizona over Seattle
Tennessee over Jacksonville
Pittsburgh over San Diego
Dallas over Washington
Cleveland over Buffalo

Overall records
Alex: 85-59
Chris: 92-52

Week 10 Postmortem

A look back at the week, our picks, and our blunders.

Alex: You picked Detroit over Jacksonville... Ugh... guess you believed in Daunte?

Chris: Seeing teams have access to backup quarterbacks made me jealous, and I suppose I put too much stock in it. I mean, I was kind of sort of close. And by that I mean not at all.

Alex: The score was 38-10...

Chris: No more Detroit picks unless they play themselves.

Alex: Haha. That might even be a tie.

Alex: Next. Joe Flacco did it again, and I keep going the opposite direction.

Chris: Shame on you, Alex. Shame. On. You. When will you learn?

Alex: Apparently never.

Chris: Pick Flacco enough and the trend will be reversed.

Alex: Maybe I need to start doing that. We can't lose the last game in Texas Stadium toa rookie qb.

Alex: So, you also got me in the last second with IND over PIT. Who is Indy this year?

Chris: They'll be the Kansas City Chiefs of the '90s, good enough in the regular season, but the window will be closed in the playoffs. Except Kansas City's window was never Super Bowl open.

Alex: Yeah. I remember KC was always 9-7 just missed the playoffs. Like 3 straight years under Trent Green I think.

Chris: Or 12-4 and collapsed after a first-round bye.

Alex: Hey... now... I think I remember a Cowboys team did that last year.

Chris: We were at least one game better.

Alex: True. I guess that makes all the difference.

Chris: And since we were the late game, we made the final 5.

Alex: Haha.

Alex: Ok, next, SD and KC, you got SD.

Chris: Again, living by the edge of my seat here.

Alex: I'm gonna go on record, and say KC next year is gonna be the surprise turnaround of the year.

Chris: I don't doubt it. And I think they'll be due for it coming up.

Alex: This Thigpen kid looks like the real deal. Which really suprised me, considering how AWFUL he looked vs. Atlanta in his first start. Since then, he's apparently been like Romo without the W's.

Chris: So just like Romo.

Alex: No.

Chris: I'm just saying..

Alex: Romo is without the W's in the playoffs. Romo can win. Do you think Thigpen could've won that 28-27 game v. Detroit last year? Not a chance.

Chris: No, but I don't know how much of a secret weapon Furrey would be against KC. Was he a factor last year?

Alex: No, it was Sean McDonald that was our big problem. And the running game. Remember? TJ Duckett and Kevin Jones killed us. God how many times does a person say that...

Chris: Apparently no one this year.

Alex: Haha. Duckett now plays for Seattle and Jones for the Bears. So, no.

Alex: Final difference, I took NYG over your Philly. I can't give you anything for this one.

Chris: I overvalued the home crowd and undervalued Eli Manning.

Alex: Anything goes in the East.

Chris: I just wish they would lose some of these close games.

Alex: We need to mail Romo a Citizen Eco-drive. Or just steal Eli's.

Chris: But I'm glad Philly is knocked down to our level. I'd rather make the race slimmer with fewer teams. Let the Giants get confident.

Alex: I agree. I'm glad we're back in position to get into 2nd in the East by beating Washington.

Alex: Final Roethlis-rating this week?

Chris: What was the diet supplement Anna Nicole Smith repped?

Alex: HAHA. Trimspa?

Chris: Roethlis-trimspa. Close but not enough on its own.

Alex: Haha. Roethlis-shouldercut for me. It's the most tender part of his body at the moment. And it's causing his team to lose. I think they should've played the Subway Leftwich.

Other dandies:

Records this week
Alex: 9-5
Chris: 10-4

Overall records

Alex: 85-59
Chris: 92-52

Wednesday, November 12, 2008


Keep a good thought out for Bobby, who appears to have injured his groin. Was this an act of God? Or of a fed-up teammate tired of Bobby's lip (Zach Thomas)?

Details coming...

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Super-ultra Bye-week Bust watch special: JaMarcus Watch.

This week, with the 'boys in Cabo, Chris and Alex will follow JaMarcus Russell's adventures in Oakland, and his attempt to complete a pass in the National Football League. All locations Oakland unless otherwise stated.

3:11 - Oakland receives the opening kickoff, and, per JaMarcus' request, they fumble and give Carolina a TD, in an attempt to keep JaMarcus watch dormant as long as possible.

3:17 - In a strange turn of events, in all effort to keep himself off of online blog draft bust discussions, JaMarcus has pulled himself in favor of Andrew Walter. More to come if he sees the field.


Bobby Watch, Super-ultra bye-week Bust Watch special: Early Games

This week, with the bye week and Cabo looming over the Dallas area, Alex and Chris will select another bust to track, and this week they selected JaMarcus Russell. However, this being the Early Game special, places will be mentioned.

11:56, College Station, Tx - A pissed off blogger just realized that because he wanted to watch JaMarcus fail, doesn't mean everyone else does. With the game only being shown in presumable Oakland and Carolina, this might slowly turn into a general bust watch, but our focus will remain on JaMarcus. Everyone, be thankful for the nfl.com gametracker.

12:05, Houston, Tx - As we begin our tour around the league, Sage Rosenfels, our favorite goat, just went 3 and out in his 1st series against the Ravens. And eye will be kept on the situation there.

12:11, NFL.com - Checking in on Gametracker, the Lions have decided to start Daunte Culpepper. To date, 0 for 2, 1 int. This is absolutely delectable.

12:09, Minnesota - Brad Childress is 0-5 versus the Packers, our opinion is he doesn't want to upset the people that make cheese for his wonderfully pretentious wine collection.

12:14, Miami - Ted Ginn just scored on a 39 yard TD from Chad Pennington. Ginn started his career by lobbying for a flop-fan-site, but when he realized it wasn't coming because no one cared about the Dolphins, he decided to play his way onto a better team, only to flop there.

12:18, Chicago - It would be irresponsible of me not to mention the only bust to lead his team to a Superbowl. Apparently this week we have Sexy Rexy, instead of The Real Rex Grossman, he's 6 of 9, for 51 yards and a TD on Chicago's opening drive against the undefeated Titans. I can't imagine it'll be long before he actually starts thinking about all the pressure of losing a superbowl. Being the guy drafted in Chicago. All the fans counting on him. "Why do I suck so much? Ok, just don't throw the interception. Incompletions are a good thing. OH SHIT. Ok, just make the tackle. Make the tackle....crap...well at least I threw a Touchdown." It's coming.

12:28, Detroit - Well, I guess that coach in Detroit does know something. Now, nothing is set in stone yet, but now, Daunte Culpepper is 2 of 4 for 78 yards and an INT, but he's got Detroit at the 5 yard line. I don't know that they've been there all season. Maybe Marinelli called Denny Green and the conversation went, "Do you have a big, fast receiver with great hands?" "Yes" "Ok, here's what you do, just throw the ball straight up in the air, and hope he comes down with it. Hey, we went 15-1 in Minnesota with it. Trust me. It'll work"

12:32, Detroit - WOW I wish I had the Detroit game. Apparently Daunte got injured. Drew "He'll just get embarassed out there" Stanton, is now 1 of 1 for 1 td. Fancy that.

12:34, Miami - This must be extra special BUST PERFORMING weekend. Ricky "Rasta" Williams just went 51 yards for a touchdown. It's rumored Tony Sparano was overhead telling Ricky to "Pretend the Goalline is the Mexican border."

12:37, Chicago - Rex threw his first INT of the day. Here we go, ladies and gentlemen.

12:38, Houston - First quarter for Sage - No meltdowns yet, 5 of 9 for 54 and 1 INT. It's still a close game at 7-0 Baltimore, but Sage-goat better be careful, because he's chained up, and biologically-engineered T-Rex is about to snatch him up, and throw his remains onto a car of first time tourists/archaeologists.

12:47, College Station - Those Citizen Eco-Drive Watch commercials with Eli Manning used to be a lot more fun before he won a superbowl and was a general goat. Gah. How things change.

12:53, Minnesota - Aaron Rodgers just cost his team 2 points with an illegal forward pass/illegal batter fumble, or something along those lines. Either way, he looked like a child being pushed around by a bully. Just had to find something to get attention away from him, when it just draws it right back.

1:00, New Jersey-ish - Favre magic has officially been regained by Favre, with the Jets leading STL 24-0. It's all up to Romo for the rest of the season.

1:05, Miami - It just makes a man smile when an egocentric former running back goes to another team with a larger contract and does the same thing he did in his first city. Julius Jones, 6 rushes, 12 yards, long of 5. I just love it.

1:12, Detroit - So maybe Daunte Culpepper is the answer in Detroit. He's back on the field, and he drove them right down the field for at least a FG. 5/9 100 yards and an INT. In detroit that HOF caliber.

1:14, Detroit - Of course, it is still Detroit. The FG is blocked. Man, I feel bad for those fans.

1:33, Minnesota - While taking my almost-halftime Nacho-break, I've been watchin probably the strangest last 2 minutes of a half I've ever seen. 4 possesion changes I think? A saftey, an INT, and now, the packers, with 16 seconds left, are in position at least for a FG. It's been an interesting game.

Halftime BUST UPDATE: Culpepper, 5 of 9 for 104 and an INT, Rosenfels 12 of 19 for 161 and an INT, Ricky Williams 8 rushes, 97 yards and a WILDCAT td, Julius Jones 7 rushes for 15 yards (man does that make me feel good). So much for a regular week in football. Maybe I just expect too little from these guys. Also, at half, the jets are up 40 to 0 over STL. Good night. And to thank I was thisclose to picking STL this week. Whew.

1:44, Detroit - It just came to my attention the Lions are wearing what may be the prettiest throwbacks in the league. I love them. It's too bad they're such a shitty team.

1:53, Detroit - Ouch, Jerry Porter, big name free agent from Oakland, just caught his 5th pass for the Jaguars, and his first for a touchdown. His name is entered as worst free agent pickup of the year award.

1:55, Chicago - Since we last reported on Rex, he's floundered. 10 of 20 for 54 yards, 1 td and 1 INT, chances are those 10 incompletions are actually just intereceptions that the Titans dropped because they feel bad for him. Poor Rex.

2:00, Houston - Sage just threw his second INT straight to Ray Lewis. I didn't see a white shirt in the area. My bet is Ray Ray told Sage he knows where he lives, and has gotten away from murder before.

2:02, Minnesota - And MY GOODNESS does Aaron Rodgers look like a flop against this Minnesota team. A lot of this is probably due to poor offensive line play, but, he's the QB after Brett Favre, so double the pressure, and double the culpablilty put on by the fans. "Fire him now, why didn't we say Daunte?" says Wisconsin.

2:10, Houston - I just don't know what to think about this Sage Rosenfels. I'm beginning to believe he's one of those quarterbacks that just has to keep both teams close at all times. He just Threw a real pretty pass to Kevin Walter for a long TD. This must be maddening for Houston fans.

2:13, Detroit - How bad are the Lions? They've let one of the worst free agent pickups score on them in Joey Porter, and now, to keep things fair, Troy Williamson just got in. Wow. One of these days Detroit has to field a competitive team right? I mean, Barry Sanders made them competitive, but where those competitive teams? Doubtful.

*for the record, that was Troy Williamson's 4th reception on the year, 1st td.*

2:16, Minnesota - As Gus Frerotte throws his 3rd INT of the day, a pick 6, I'm starting to wonder if Tarvaris Jackson is better. Also, what were the Cowboys thinking picking up Brad Johnson was benched by Minnesota in favor of Tarvaris? Gah, that's the epitome of suck.

2:19, Miami - Ricky Williams now has his first 100 yard game after giving up the reefer. Unsure of how to celebrate, Ricky is seen on the sidelines ripping up the turf and rolling a fat one.

2:21, Detroit - Drew Stanton back in as QB, his stat line is still one for one, but he was sacked twice on that series. 3 and an embarassing out. Marinelli is seen eyeing the press box and glaring at the Fords saying "I told you so."

2:34, Detroit - The Fords placed a phone call down to Marinelli to stick their collective tongue out as him, as Drew Stanton is now 4 of 5 for 76 yards, leading his team on a TD drive. Detroit can't even predict when they're going to suck correctly. Wow.

2:47, Detroit - Now, I can't actually SEE the game, so I'm just basing this off of the box-score on nfl.com, but it seems if Drew Stanton could get any kind of protection for the Detroit line, that he'd be a decent choice at QB. Hasn't made any bad decisions thus far. Again, I haven't seen anything, but that's the way it appears. So much for "embarassing" himself, huh, Rod?

2:50, Minnesota - Adrian Peterson is offically the GOAT of the week. 4th and a long 1, Brad Childress wants to punt, and Adrian SCREAMS to go for it. They challenge the previous spot, don't win, and then Adrian fumbles when he's got room to run, and gives the ball away to the Packers in Minnesota territory. That could be the game.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Week 10 in the NFL

Alex and Chris pick the weekend's NFL games and offer insight on their differences.

Alex: First difference, you pick DET, and I picked....ah....JAC. I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable about this one given last week. I'm hoping Del Rio busts out the suit and saves the season.

Chris: Maybe Detroit smelled a possible win and it smelled so good they might want to complete the mission this week. Maybe 3 point win tops. If he's in the suit, they win. But I'm betting polo

Alex: We shall see.

Alex: Ooh, here's a nice one. Our brb game from week 1. Baltimore at Houston.

Chris: OOOH. Forgot about it. Flacco's hot and shame on you for not picking him.

Alex: Houston is equally as hot.

Chris: Houston isn't far from College Station. Ray Ray has a car.

Alex: The Schaub Johnson connection is big. Don't intimidate me, Cbass.

Chris: Is Schaub not injured?

Alex: I don't know. I just know sometimes he's there, sometimes he isn't.

Chris: Hahaha.

Alex: But the Rosenfels-Johnson connection is big, too. Basically, the Johnson connection. That's my argument.

Chris: I'm banking on the Rosenfels-turf connection being stronger this week.

Alex: Haha.

Alex: Ok, C-Bass. I question this one. IND over PIT for you? After the Buffalo Chicken Ranch Sub-Wich dismantled Washington?

Chris: At least it's in Indianapolis... oh wait. I'd say the Colts take advantage of a bruised Pittsburgh team. But they're not that bruised. This is one of those question mark 'how'd they do that' games. Peyton is back. He has reclaimed the Manning luck

Alex: Man, I hope so. Eli needs to go.

Alex: Next, KC and SD. This is my area for a KC win. They gotta get another, they're playing well, and it's divisional. I smell upset.

Chris: I say SD has had enough sucking for one week. They'll show up on Sunday and make everyone wonder why they sucked so bad earlier, and then they'll return to the tank next week.

Alex: Both scenarios make sense. This is a tough one.

Alex: Ok, big NFC East game, standing wise for our Cowboys. And you're picking PHI over NYG, when PHI loss would be more beneficial to us currently.

Chris: I wasn't sure who I wanted to win more, but I'd rather bring the leader down instead of separating Dallas from Philly.

Alex: At this point, I want to secure wild card. And this is the way to do it. We need a little help. And I'm not afraid to beg the king for it.

Chris: There are going to be enough losses to go around to help us with wild card standing. I'm just scared of Philly turning it on now.

Alex: Good point. Damn. Our division is too competitive.

Alex: Ok, finale predictions. Let's do both Roethlis- and -Wich, as status is uncertain.

Chris: Roethlis- meatball sub, generic and nothing fancy anymore.

Alex: I'm going... Roethlis-Liver. If he plays, just disgusting.

Alex: And... Byron 5 dollar footlong-wich. Cheap, effective, and filling.

Chris: Byron Spicy meatball sub-wich, not as generic, more exotic, but in the end you just get acid-reflux.

Alex: Ok, now. Given our recent fling for Oakland, and the Cowboys' bye week, this week we're doing an Ultra-Special Bye-Week Bust Watch. This week's topic: JaMarcus Russell. Predictions for the watch?

Chris: 15 incomplete passes, 1 pick, and 1 fumble.

Alex: Haha, I'll say, 8 for 20, 42 yards, and 2 picks.

Chris: Ooh, in that case, specifically 10 of 25, 98 yards.

While JaMarcus toes flirts with failure,
here are the rest of our picks this week:

Cleveland over Denver
Atlanta over New Orleans
Tennessee over Chicago
Miami over Seattle
Green Bay over Minnesota
New England over Buffalo
New York Jets over St. Louis
Carolina over Oakland
Arizona over San Francisco

Season records to this week
Alex: 76-54
Chris: 82-48

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Week 9 Postmortem

A look back at the week, our picks, and our blunders.

Alex: And C-bass jumps out of the gate with the upset of the year. You called the Cincy win.

Chris: I think there is just too much talent on NFL rosters to see a team go entirely winless. Plus Cincy has had close games this year— they were just due sooner or later.

Alex: This is true. I just didn't think it'd come against a Jacksonville team that went 11-5 last year. Then again, they are now 3-5. What the heck happened up there?

Chris: Why have they dropped? Did they lose someone significant?

Alex: The only thing I can think of... They lost Ernest Wilford, that receiver, to Miami, and replaced him with— are you ready— Troy Williamson, and Jerry Porter. Then on top of that, they had the whole Richard Collier shooting. In any case, do you think the poor free agency in WR and the shooting is enough to completely soil a team?

Chris: I didn't think it could, but free agency and a barbershop knifing did Dallas in.

Alex: True.

Alex: Moving on, that Goddamn Joe Flacco did it again. This guy must hate me.

Chris: This kid is something! I thought they were down too much against Cleveland.

Alex: Me too. I'm telling you, he sees I pick him to lose, he wins. Pick him to win, he loses. On purpose. To spite me.

Alex: Gah, C-bass. You almost had another upset with KC. And their version of the Wildcat. I'm glad TB won to keep our win over them looking good-ish.

Chris: I pick them on the same basis as Cincinnati, plus I didn't know what TB had in the tank. Dallas just needs every NFC team to lose except the Lions.

Alex: But, see, KC already has a win, over OAK.

Chris: Yeah, but UNT could beat Oakland.

Alex: Hahaha, probably.

Chris: DISCLAIMER: I don't really think colleges can beat NFL teams, but ... well ... I'm leaving it open. Just in case USC collects a team of Heismans and plays in the NFL.

Alex: I'm willing to bet that either t.u. or OU could beat Oakland at the moment.

Chris: Actually, I'd take that. Question: could UT, OU, or Tech take the Desperados? I think Tech is made for Arena.

Alex: Oh, Tech would demolish them. College football is slowly turning into the Arena League without the Arena. Better question: give the Desperados a full 11-on-11 team, can they beat the Raiders?

Chris: Maybe. I'm not as sharp on my Desperados this year as I was in the past, but I'd give them a fighting chance.

Alex: Haha. Man, I like how both of our differences so far have turned into Raiders discussions.

Alex: Moving on... ARI over STL, and you got me there. The Haslett Magic is gone.

Chris: Ken Whisenhunt, best coach no one has heard of, or just blessed with talent?

Alex: I think a little of both. I have a flowchart question for you. So we determined in Week 6 I think, when Romo broke his pinkie, that Favre magic was ceded to Romo. When Romo didn't play versus STL, did STL steal that then-Romo-Magic? And now that Romo is back, is it Romo's again, or Favre's again?

Chris: Uh-oh. I think the question is IF St Louis still has the Romo-magic, and if they'll return it to the Favre and the Jets this week.

Alex: It'll be something to keep an eye on.

Alex: Another miss for me with TEN and GB, you took the safe choice. I'll say, though, GB almost had 'em.

Chris: They did, Tennessee got lucky, and I think a little exposed.

Alex: Blueprint material?

Chris: Could be. I think everyone is underrating undefeated teams now though, relative to the '07 Patriots.

Alex: I think so too. But I doubt we'll ever see an '07 Pats again. Unless it manifests in Dallas for 4 straight years. Starting next year.

Chris: Question: would you take four straight undefeated regular seasons, but collapses in the Super Bowl? Mix the '07 Pats and the '90s Bills. That's a 72-4 record.

Alex: What's the "or", or is there and "or"?

Chris: None, just would you accept it or say no thanks and take your luck with whatever?

Alex: I'd say no thanks. I'd rather have 3 straight 5-11 teams stacked with 1st round talent.

Chris: Like the Lions?

Alex: I was leaning more towards Dave Campo years. But yes.

Alex: That brings us right into NYG DAL. Cowboys heresy, C-bass. I'm still disappointed in you.

Chris: I just couldn't do it. There was too much. I'm going to sleep on the Washington pick good and well. I don't know how I lean yet.

Alex: Let me throw this at you. Put Romo in. Trade our 3 interceptions for 1. Romo always throws one. And if Romo is in, that TO fumble doesn't happen because the ball is accurate. So that's 1 turnover instead of 4. Opposed to 3 NYG turnovers by our starting defense. Also, if you watch the game tape, every play, Roy or TO was WIDE open. If Romo plays, that game is a blowout in the opposite direction.

Chris: I agree, I think we definitely win against the Giants if Romo were to play

Alex: I guess my big point is, though the score doesn't show it, our D played big last 2 games, (keep in mind the Giants hadn't fumbled all year until last week) and Romo has yet to throw a single pass to Roy, as we acquired him when Romo went down. With Roy now knowing the whole offense, it's a whole new team. Watch out. Just something to chew on for awhile.

Alex: So final difference. IND over NE, and you took NE. I still harbor a little hatred towards them. Especially with Tom Brady II winning. So, I would've taken IND even with Jeff George.

Chris: Was this win more 1) Indy wanting to defeat a team in the Patriot uniform, or 2) the Colts turning a corner? Or 3) the Patriots just being not as good anymore? And Jeff George was the one quarterback my dad would always single out as a crybaby or soft.

Alex: Haha. He was. And I think it's more Colts over Patriots uniforms.

Alex: Big finale... do we still do Roethlis-ratings, or blank-Wich ratings, since Byron won the game this week?

Chris: Haha, I like giving it to the winning Pit QB.

Alex: So, what say you?

Chris: Let's do blank-Wich.

Alex: I think he went a big Byron Club-wich this week. Kinda put in the back of everyone's mind, sandwich wise. Taken for granted. Then you order it and remember why it's so good.

Chris: haha, I say... Buffalo Chicken Ranch Sub Sand-wich. Limited edition sub, and it's damn good.

Other blunders:

Records this week
Alex: 7-7
Chris: 10-4

Overall records

Alex: 76-54
Chris: 82-48