Sunday, November 23, 2008

Barbie Watch, Week 12

Every week, Alex and Chris (out of town today) bring you the sideline antics of America's favorite draft bust, Bobby Carpenter. This week, the watch begins roughly at 12:00 CST. All locations Dallas unless otherwise stated.

11:40 am - The Cowboys are wearing throwback unis today in honor of the classic holiday season. Bobby came out in his Blues from last week. After running out of the tunnel and realizing he was in the wrong uniform, he noticed a certain other white LB chuckling to himself. "It's gonna be a good day," Bobby thinks to himself, as he schemes his way back into the locker room to change.

12:08 pm - Bobby was in on the FG block team, after rushing in 10 minutes late because of a uniform mishap. Zach Thomas is noticed, still giggling.

12:15 pm - A bad punt by Sam "Bam" Paulescu. Bobby, noticing that A) he should have been on the field, B) Zach was watching him pour ice-cold water into his helmet, and C) he could've kicked the ball better than Sam, quickly seized his opportunity to talk to Special Teams coach Bruce Reed and audition for 3rd-string punter.

12:26 pm - Bobby in again on FG block. He moped on to the field after his laser-- pointed in the eyes of Anthony Henry-- drew a clear pass interference penalty. Unfortunately Zach, who found Bobby's keyring of devices (entirely laser pointers), shined them all into the eyes of the referees. TD denied.

12:34 pm - Bobby Carpenter in on the tackle on special teams. As a juvenile joke, he's been drinking Gatorade as much as possible, so he can pee on the next guy he tackles.
No information on whether Zach is planning to punch him in the gut or not.

12:39 pm -Bobby in again on the FG block. Stood there, unable to move with a full bladder.

12:49 pm - When Zach finally figured out why Bobby was limping along the sideline, he duct-taped him to the bench. Bobby was recently spotted by Pam Oliver, soaked in his own tears and urine. The coaches ignore Bobby, citing this as "a common occurance"

12:54 pm - With that blocked punt by Carlos Polk, the entire team turns to Bobby, who, still duct taped to the bench says, "What? *sniff sniff* I coulda done that with my eyes closed"

Zach, who now feels bad, unties him. Then gives him a manly punch-to-the-gut. Just to let Bobby know it isn't over.

1:02 pm - Bobby, I believe, was in on that last punt formation. It's hard to tell, as he was swatting at something in the air, with his eyes closed. Chances are the rest of the defense was let in on the laser keyring.

1:12 pm - It's clear that, on that last kickoff, Bobby switched jerseys with Nick Folk, as the kickoff goes out of bounds at the 20. Let it be noted that Bobby is forcing himself into tryouts for other positions now.

1:19 pm - With the exception of Terrell Owens, the offense is anemic. This blogger has to wonder what is going on, as Bobby can't trade jerseys with everyone.

1:23 pm - Zach Thomas returns a fumble for a touchdown, but is incorrectly ruled down by contact by a phantom whistle. That phantom was Bobby. Zach is not happy. Stay tuned.

1:28 pm - I'm considering starting a Greg Manusky watch. Did anyone else see that BEAUTIFUL Bobby-esque mustache on that guy?

1:34 pm - After that huge smack by Bradie James, the team celebrated into the locker room. Bobby, watching the first season of Grey's Anatomy on his new iPhone, realized everyone was gone, and leapt up to join the team in the locker room, only to trip over his shoes, tied together, with a note reading, "Blow that whistle again, see what happens."

1:53 pm - Flozell false starts as a shout out to his girl back home, but it is reversed by a neutral zone infraction on the defense. Flo is not happy.

1:55 pm - Flozell False starts as a shout out to his girl back home. This time for real.

1:58 pm - Bobby is not seen on the kickoff coverage, and it can be assumed that Carlos Polk is taking his place after the blocked punt earlier in the game. Message to Bobby from the writer - GROW BACK THE 'STACHE. It's good luck. And it's more intimidating.

2:14 pm - Bobby is up to his laser pointer antics again, this time his victim is Tashard Choice. Zach Thomas, after the play, shoots Bobby a menacing look as he runs onto the field.

2:18 pm - Zach gave his best motivational speech of the year, "Intercept this pass, and we tape Bobby to the showers after the game."

Bobby is seen hiding in the stands near a large blonde woman. Confused, Zach punches them both.

2:33 pm - With the game more or less over, the defense, led by Zach, are seen getting together rope, duct tape, and placing bars of soap in socks, all the while the backups are told to stare menacingly at Bobby until he cries. This takes approximately 2:47 mins.

2:52 pm - Bobby, now standing on the sidelines right next to Wade in hopes he'll get some protection, repeats everything Wade says to motivate the defense. Wade grows annoyed, and wonders where his son Wes is. This is what quality control is for.

3:02 pm - Bobby makes his first appearance on TV on the game, on the kickoff coverage. Funny how we only see him when something bad happens...

3:20 pm - And that's the game, ladies an gentlemen. Tune in next time.

No comments: