Sunday, November 16, 2008

Barbie Watch, Week 11

Every week, Alex and Chris scour the NFL for Bobby Carpenter sightings and log each with time and location. Tonight our focus heads to the nation's capital Landover, Maryland. The game is set to kick-off at 7:15 pm, CT, with or without Bobby Carpenter.

All locations Washington, D.C., Landover, Maryland unless stated otherwise.

7:01 pm - Will Bobby play? Time will tell... For those scoring at home, Washington is wearing white at home, which means the Cowboys are wearing back luck blue. Disrespect is the highest form of respect.

7:22 pm - Andrea Kramer interviews Romo's pinkie.

7:28 pm - Dallas punts after its first series. Bobby is nowhere to be seen, but rest assured, he would have 1) nailed the tackle, and 2) not grabbed a facemask. For the rest of the night, I think we can assume Bobby is wearing jeans and his Cowboys jersey on the sidelines, high school style. That is, unless Bobby is dropped off via parachute from the Blue Angels.

7:36 pm - Remember the old commercial where a football team is given muscle relaxants before a game, and they all fall over at the line? See the Dallas Defense. It has been noted that Bobby was seen walking out of Wade's office this week, with a bottle of unknown origin, snickering to himself, "If I can't play, then no one can...."

7:42 pm - Flozell Adams commits his 23rd false start since 2007. What no one else knows is false starting is his special way of shouting out to his woman back home. Don't worry— she loves him, too.

7:45 pm - Bobby just did his team a favor, but unknowingly. The coaches, knowing Bobby was upset about not playing, and also knowing he is colorblind, dressed him in Maroon tonight and placed him on the opposite sideline. Bobby called a timeout, trying to throw off Tony Romo's rhythm on offense, to prove how badly the Cowboys need him. It is noted that Bobby is still unsure how the Redskins were awarded the timeout, and why Wade looks so slim, and is more "aw shucks" than usual.

8:10 pm - Bobby's no fool. After the maroon jersey stunt, Bobby saunters over to the Cowboys sideline and waits to exact his revenge. His victim? Terrell Owens. Washington intercepts Romo on another slant pass to TO. What broke his focus? Beams from Bobby's laser pointer/ ballpoint pen keychain, shining directly into TO's eyes. Who says you can't find good stuff in airplane mall catalogs?

8:34 pm - Romo goes up and down the field, spreading out passes to TO, (the good) Roy, Barber, and Witten. TO's key grab takes the Cowboys inside the 5, and also shows TO can hang onto a ball. Anyone can catch a ball when you don't have a laser pointer directed at your eyes. Wade's son, Wesley (in charge of quality control) caught Bobby pointing the laser at Zach Thomas' crotch along the sidelines and took it away. Cowboys score a TD on a Barber run.

8:36 pm - Bobby has found his way up to the booth, and, on a hope that he may play running back, by telling coach Barber's fire is out, he challenges the ruling. Good thing the refs know better.

8:45 pm - The team heads to the locker room for halftime, but Wade tells Bobby he can't come in the room since he's not dressed to play today. "Sorry, Bobby, but you need to be suited up in pads," Wade warns. "Nothing personal, just business." Bobby takes a page from Mike Singletary's playbook and drops his pants as a motivational tool, trying anything he can to prove he should be in that locker room. Unfortunately, Wade shut the door while Bobby was working on his button-fly. So Bobby returns to the sideline to plan revenge. And he waits.

9:07 pm - With that interception, Bobby is seen sulking on the sidelines, as he can't tell anyone on the punt or fg try that he could've made the block to change the game, if he were in of course.

9:10 pm - Wesley Phillips, not really doing anything, takes out Bobby's laser pointer and can't figure out how to work it. So he calls Bobby over and asks him to show him the ropes. Bobby says, "Okay, I'll show you... only if I can hold it to show you." Wesley hands it over. And Bobby sprints away, snickering. First thing Bobby does? Shines it at TO, who drops a pass.

9:20 pm - Bobby, aiming for the linebacker playing his position on the FG block, gets pushed by Zach while he's on the way off the field. The laser pointer goes directly into Suisham's eyes, forcing the FG miss. Bobby is seen pacing back and forth, cursing the acme laser company.

9:52 pm - Terrance Newman breaks up a key fourth down attempt by Washington and runs down the sideline, arms out, airplane style. Bobby, thinking this was some unpatriotic shout-out to Europe in our nation's capital, runs up to Terrance on the sideline and shoves him as hard as he can in the chest, screaming "NO! It's called SOCCER! I won't let you spread the wealth!" Cowboys medical staff notifies the team psychologist.

10:07 pm - Marion Barber converts the fourth down ... and Bobby Carpenter's heart grew three sizes that play. The Cowboys win tonight!

10:08 pm - Zach Thomas walks by, grinning for no reason. "Hey rookie, thanks for winning the game tonight. You were so important to the victory. You really should be a captain," Thomas adds. "I'm just glad to be here, Mr. Thomas," Bobby chimes, returning Zach's sarcasm. "Here's a Gatorade. You deserve it." Zach takes a deep swig, until he remembers what happened last time Bobby was in charge of refreshments. He spits it out and looks around for "that little pranking sum'bitch." But Bobby is nowhere to be seen... Batman? No. NBC is doing post-game interviews and Bobby needs facetime.

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