Sunday, November 2, 2008

Barbie Watch, Week 9

Every week, Alex and Chris scour the NFL for Bobby Carpenter sightings and log each with time and location. This week our focus heads east to New York The Meadowlands, New Jersey. The watch will tentatively begin at 3:15 pm, CT.

All locations New York The Meadowlands, New Jersey unless stated otherwise.

3:15 pm- In a show of East Coast arrogance, the Giants wear blue at home, which means the Cowboys wear white. Franchises typically try to force the Cowboys to wear the bad luck blue on the road... who does New York think they are?

3:16 pm
- Not much. Bobby came late on the kickoff to the Giants. This has all the potential for an ugly game. And at the same time, it could be close on the scoreboard. The number of Bobby appearances will have an indirect relationship to our performance today.

3:26 pm- The Giants eat up clock and score a touchdown. Ken Hamlin looks upset and jaws out the defense on the sideline. Bobby nods. Someday, he'd like to have that power.

3:27 pm- Bobby blocks and Miles Austin speeds past on the kickoff return. One more offensive gaffe by Gurode and Bobby will resume politicking for o-line playing time. After all, the center is technically the quarterback until he snaps the ball. Facetime, my friends.

3:30 pm- After a moribund offensive series, the Cowboys punt. I'll be honest, I don't know if Bobby did anything.

3:34 pm- Dallas forces New York to punt. Great job defense. Unfortunately the punt goes out of bounds, which means Bobby can't hit. Double unfortunately, Dallas was in the neutral zone, so the Giants have to repunt.

3:36 pm- Cowboys lose a net 20 yards of starting position on the second punt. Bobby is off-screen, probably talking trash. Possibly talking 2008 Presidential election trash. Carpenter is from swing state Ohio, so no one really knows where he stands.

3:38 pm- Cowboys start on their own 42. Bobby continues kicking the political anthill on the Cowboys' sideline. Carpenter is all for expanding the two-party system— he likes to party as much as he can.

3:40 pm- Roy Williams makes an amazing one arm, left-handed grab along the sideline! Hello, offense!

3:40:30 pm- Brad Johnson follows up a great throw with an interception nearly brought home, to the Dallas 27. As much as Bobby hates interceptions, he's more upset the change of possession bypassed a punt— again, that's a missed facetime opportunity.

3:43 pm- The most hideous encroachment I've ever seen— called on Jay Ratliff.

3:45 pm- 90 seconds left in the first quarter, a quarter lasting a little over 30 minutes. What's the best way to stop the clock and extend the game? Illegal contact on Bradie "almost 54" James.

3:48 pm- The other way to stop the clock and extend the game? Give up a touchdown AND add a penalty for style. 14-0, New York.

3:51 pm- Fox cuts to a scene of Brooks Bollinger warming up on the sideline. If Bollinger plays, the terrorists win.

3:52 pm- Miles Austin is swarmed on the kickoff return, thanks in no short order to a lack of enthusiasm on the block squad. Back on the sideline and wanting to fight, Bobby starts talking up last night's Texas Tech upset of #1 Texas. If you didn't know any better, you'd think Bobby played at Tech. Zach Thomas, Tech alum, knows better and challenges Carpenter to name all the dorms. Bobby stalls by drinking Gatorade, finishing his gulp, and then drinking again.

3:54 pm- The first quarter finally ends.

3:55 pm- During commercial breaks, Bobby pulls out his iPhone and jots down the names of Texas Tech dorms, which he then memorizes and repeats to Zach Thomas. Thomas, ever the maverick, calls Carpenter a nerd and walks away.

3:55:30 pm- Zach Thomas approaches Bobby and asks why the hell he has his iPhone with him, and where the hell he puts it during the game. Bobby responds by drinking Gatorade, finishing his gulp, and drinking again.

3:57 pm- Cowboys punt the ball. Fox shows an angry TO. This only fuels the ESPN/sports radio monster, guys.

3:58 pm- Bobby readjusts his "five." Double amazing because AT&T doesn't have fives.

4:06 pm- The "Can you hear me now?" joke series commences. No one can "hear" Bobby, though, so the effect is lost. But it's a genius counter-strike.

4:07 pm- DeMarcus Ware recovers a fumble deep in Giants territory! Gift-wrapped chance here.

4:10 pm- Fox shows a clip of Brooks in a helmet. Bobby benefits by being right behind Brooks on camera.

4:11 pm- Giants strip Terrell Owens and recover the fumble. If anything, this cements Romo's MVP status.

4:16 pm- Rookie Mike Jenkins picks off Eli Manning and high-steps into the end zone. Thank you for coming back, vintage Eli. 14-7, New York.

4:20 pm- Bobby wasn't in on the kickoff tackle. Fox shows Plaxico giving lip to Eli. This puts Eli in a very bad place. Very bad.

4:23 pm- Dallas' defense continues to put pressure on Eli Manning.

4:23 pm- Brandon Jacobs gets a first down not thirty seconds after I wrote the above.

4:28 pm- Cowboys pressure the Giants into a punt and fair catch on their own 15.

4:30 pm- Bobby does his best Chris Berman impression on Marion's big runs on this drive. Unfortunately spit is everywhere.

4:31 pm- The hell with momentum. Brad Johnson throws a pick.

4:31 pm- Bobby runs up and down the sideline, doing his own play-by-play. More spit.

4:40 pm- Dumb-face be damned, Eli throws a touchdown.

4:47 pm- Second quarter ends; Romo looks disgusted.

5:02 pm- Uneventful kickoff return with a low-block on #64... so close to Carpenter.

5:04 pm- Bollinger throws an interception. Maybe he wasn't a diamond in the rough. Say what you will about Brad Johnson, but he doesn't throw interceptions.

5:05 pm- Touchdown. 28-7, New York. That's 21 points off turnovers for NY. Eliminate turnovers and you have a manageable 7-0 NY lead.

5:08 pm- Ball rolls out of the end zone on the kickoff. I could have sworn a Cowboy touched the ball. Thank God the refs don't agree with me.

5:10 pm- We're so bad. Minus-12 yard completion to Barber.

5:11 pm- Justin Tuck in on the Bollinger sack. Why wasn't he more of an unstoppable beast at Notre Dame? Poor coaching from Bob Davie and Tyrone Willingham?

5:12 pm- Carpenter hits someone and gets his ankles.

5:16 pm- Bobby is now on the third book in the Narnia series, thanks to books-on-iPhone. Carpenter hides it whenever a coach walks by. Or whenever someone reads over his shoulders (it's just annoying).

5:17 pm- Zach Thomas sees Bobby reading on his iPhone, walks over, and quotes a made-up line including the name Aslan. Bobby's eyes light up— a fellow reader! Zach asks if he could catch up on his own Narnia reading with the iPhone. Bobby hands it over, excited at the prospect of a new friend.

5:18 pm- Zach sets the iPhone on the ground and smashes the screen with his cleats. He walks away and calls Bobby a nerd.

5:19 pm- Bobby pees in a bottle of Gatorade and sets it next to Zach. Zach takes a swig. Bobby's tell-tale snickering gives him away.

5:19:30 pm- The entire starting defense holds Zach back from Bobby. Since no one is on the field after the punt, Dallas risks a delay of game penalty. Phillips abbreviates a cuss word and gets the defense on the field in time.

5:22 pm- Dallas' defense forces a fumble and recovers. That's how you inspire a team, thinks Bobby. Bobby tries to pee in the special teams' Gatorade, but an alert trainer stops him halfway through the second bottle. "Too late," chimes Bobby.

5:30 pm- Dallas switches to Powerade for the remainder of the game.

5:45 pm- At some point, the third quarter ended. Anyway, touchdown Cowboys, Bollinger to Owens. 28-14, New York.

6:00 pm- Touchdown, Giants. Everyone is tired. 35-14, New York. There's still 8:20 left in the game.

6:19 pm- Giants 35, Cowboys 14, final. Wade Phillips has changed Bobby Carpenter's seats for the flight home to Dallas— he's sitting with the offense. Right next to Wade. And Wade's not afraid to do this the whole rest of the season if certain players can't quit playing grabass instead of focusing on the game.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Lol, unfortunately the quality of this blog is inversely proportional to Dallas success. The Cowboys, after having lost only 4 games out of 17, have lost 4 of nine since you started Barbie Watch (yes, I just quoted records from last year and this year, but...really, we suck now. :(