Saturday, January 9, 2010

Barbie Watch, Postseason Week 1

Every week, Chris and Alex follow the antics of former first round pick Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. This week, we stay in Dallas for the rematch of week 17 against the hated Eagles. All places Dallas unless otherwise stated.

7:07 pm: Off the bat, Kosier shouts out to a girl back home.

7:08 pm: Royshonda gets one nail did. The Pinkie. It was minor.

7:10 pm: Royshonda gets a second nail did, and uses it to signal first down. Interesting...

7:11 pm: Choicecat for the first down, and the Cowboys are getting out countdowns out of the way early.

7:17 pm: Knocked out of FG position and we punt, thanks to a terrible penalty on Jason Witten and a sack on a non-block by Andre Gurode. Playoff demons? Are you back?

7:15 pm: The Cowboys try to eat off the Ogletree but Witten commits pass interference. Go figure.

7:21 pm: Bobby C in on the first Bobby down of the game, and gets some crucial pressure, causing an incompletion to Bradie James, who then signals for incomplete hands. Jenkins nods approvingly. The Cowboys now on offense, Bobby retreats to the bench to quickly treat Royshonda to a new Blue and Silver nail polish, and promises to paint his nails if he has a good game.

7:18 pm: After an anticlimactic punt, NBC shows George W. Bush sitting next to Emmitt Smith, enjoying a deep, meaningful conversation. I can only imagine what they're talking about + how many words and predicates are missing.

7:25 pm: Felix lets his 2nd cat out of the bag, follow by an Eagle sack. looks like a back and forth game.

7:27 pm: Dallas punts again, if only to kill any momentum on Philly's part from a potential missed field goal. Dallas manages to down the ball inside the five, but not before Bobby goes helmet to helmet with Player#53. Bobby comes to play in the playoffs.

7:33 pm: Bobcat makes a third down tackle and TERRANCE NEWMAN IS PUMPED. Congrats Barbie on your first meaningful play.

7:37 pm: Colombo, in his first game back, shouts out to a girl back home.

7:39 pm: Bobby begins sewing roses onto his Cowboys jersey to celebrate his Ohio State Rose Bowl victory. He then adds a rose sticker to one side of his helmet for big plays.

Bobby asks Royshonda how the Horns did in Pasadena this year. Royshonda pulls Bobby aside and, through tears, asks him to never bring up the Alabama game again.

7:41 pm: 1 Smiles Austin.

7:42 pm: Immediatly followed by a 2nd smile for pass interference. Loving it.

7:43 pm: John Phillips, 2nd cousin, with the touchdown! Dallas goes up, 7-0, and Tony Romo leap kicks onto the sideline. A few inches to the right and Wade would have lost his sunglasses.

7:46 pm: DON'T EAT OFF THE OGLETREE! What a tackle on special teams.

7:47 pm: Michael Vick to Jeremy Maclin. All the way. Touchdown. Philadelphia finally got their big play. Game is tied, 7-7.

7:52 pm: Wade Phillips challenges the Romo interception call. He throws the flag with all the conviction of a 3rd grader trying to get out of punishment but knowing he can't.

7:55 pm: Overturned!

8:01 pm: Royshonda gets a 3rd nail did, and he's 3 for 3 today....Interesting.

8:06 pm: TOUCHDOWN! Tashard Choice, thank you. Dallas 14, Philly 7.

8:10 pm: Jenkins on the coverage, and brings some incomplete hands.


8:16 pm: Royshonda gets a 4th nail did, and each one is HUGE! Roy has woken up.

8:18 pm: Roy has a whole hand did, but he fell down. Maybe he just wants one more catch this half.

8:24 pm: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, OUR OWN BOBBY CARPENTER CAME UP WITH THE FUMBLE RECOVERY! Unbelievable. Bobby and Royshonda have turned it ON this postseason. Bobby races off the field with his ball and secures it in a safe beneath his personal Gatorade cooler. One more rose sticker on his helmet.

8:29 pm: 4 SMILE AUSTIN and a TD! 24-7 Cowboys.

8:30 pm: Bobby is playing with a renewed sense of self today. He just winked on national television.

8:37 pm: Dallas turns on the heat and forces a Philadelphia fumble. I love this January momentum!

8:45 pm: Don't eat off the Ogle-bush. First down, and here comes some Suisham. Dallas makes it 27-7 going into halftime.

9:04 pm: The first Bobby down of the half and the pass is tipped. 3 and out, here comes the Cowboys offense.

9:13 pm: Jason Peters shouts out to a girl back home, Cowboys fans everywhere are thankful, meanwhile, Mike Jenkins knocks the pass out of the air and has some incomplete hands.

9:15 pm: Todd Herremans shouts out to a girl back home. Good things, man, good things.

9:20 pm: Too much dancing and too much coverage means that D-line is coming, Donovan. Anthony Spencer delivers another one of Spencer's Gifts: fake plastic vomit for pranks.

9:28 pm: Felix lets another cat out of the bag. A 74 yard cat. Amazing. 34-7 Cowboys.

9:33 pm: Mike Jenkins busts out the incomplete hands. On the very next play, he picks the ball off and tries to lateral it to Terence Newman. Philadelphia recovers the fumble.

9:35 pm: Jason Peters makes a second shout out to a girl back home.\

9:40 pm: Royshonda breaks his first nail of the game, luckily, so does Asante Samuel. Punt coming.

9:48 pm: Vick in, and throws a pass. Jenkins watches the pass go down, and throws some incomplete hands. A perfect effort.

9:50 pm: Hatcher sack.

9:57 pm: 5 Smiles Austin

9:58 pm: Choicecat II for no gain, followed by a Felix first down.

10:01 pm: 6 Smiles Austin

10:03 pm: Jason Witten shouts out to his wife back home.

10:04 pm: 7 Smiles Austin

10:10 pm: Barbie the All-Pro gets his second fumble recovery of the game. What a day.

10:29 pm: Well, it's over. The Dallas Cowboys beat the Philadelphia Eagles, 34-14, and win their first playoff game since December 28, 1996 (Chris was 11, Alex was 7). Wade is guaranteed one more year, and the Cowboys roll into the second round to take on the Vikings. Coincidentally, the Vikings were the last team the Cowboys beat in the playoffs prior to tonight.


In closing, thank you, Philadelphia, for making Bobby Carpenter look like Randy White. You made the #54 jersey proud, Barbs. Goodnight.


Anonymous said...

phew, i was worried you guys weren't providing commentary on the biggest game of the year

Anonymous said...

Did you hear that Bobcat praise by Collinsworth?!

Anonymous said...

Hamlin has shit for brains. Two plays in 2 minutes.

Anonymous said...

Complete lack of discipline by the Cowboys. This will kill them in a close game.

Mark M. said...

Congrats,to Bobby on a fantastic game! Whether anyone wants to admit it or not, he is becoming a productive member of this staunch Dallas D.

Anonymous said...

Bobby gets two fumble recoveries and plays a nice all-around game. Still remains winless versus Pickerington Central. And always will be.

Anonymous said...

erroneous. bobby graduated when there was only one pricktown high school. therefore, he never had a chance at pickerington central. suck it, terry tate.

Sam C said...

Bobby Brings it for the Playoffs!! Awesome.. Way to contribute. As much as we all like to make fun he's improved all year. Hamlin appears to be the main weak link in the D!