Sunday, December 27, 2009

Barbie Watch, Week 16

Every week, Alex and Chris track the highs and lows of former first round pick Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. Tonight, America's Team travels to Washington (but really Maryland) to take on the Redskins. Action occurs in Landover, Maryland, at Dallas Standard Time, unless stated otherwise.

7:08 pm: Bobby runs onto the field for stretches in the familiar Dallas home whites, only to see Albert Haynesworth practice-stomping-on-faces-- IN WHITE.

Oh, you cheeky Redskins. Forcing the Cowboys into bad luck blue.

Bobby runs back inside to change and sees the rest of the Dallas squad in blue. Apparently the push feature on his iHelmet is off.

7:30 pm: This bad luck blue stunt by Washington might backfire. Dallas (in dark jerseys) could end up absorbing more heat from the stadium lights than Washington could (in whites). I think it's 37 degrees out tonight. We'll see if jersey color has any effect on the game.

7:32 pm: At least 3 Washington Redskins on offense have introduced themselves in the lineup with their high school alma maters. It's a shame they didn't even attend college.

7:33 pm: Bullsh. Dallas allows Washington to convert a 2nd down, keeping Bobby off the field for a couple more downs.

7:34 pm: All Dallas defenders introduced themselves with colleges. Good.

7:35 pm: Terence Newman with an interception off a deflection! 1 angry Dave Campo.

7:36 pm: Carpenter congratulates Newman, but is secretly pissed he has to wait another possession before gametime.

7:36 pm: Royshonda is wearing a Texas Longhorns cap in his player intro. Really? I forgot you went to UT, especially after each of those Hook 'Em handsigns you throw up after touchdowns. To Roy's credit, a Redskin wore his Wisconsin hat in his intro. But still.

7:38 pm: Dallas unleashes one leg of its running back Cerberus, Felix Jones. Jones down to the Redskin 10.

7:39 pm: What a shame, a Washington defender didn't even have a high school alma mater, just a hometown. Kudos to him for overcoming his educational deficits and making it to the League. I hope he gets his GED someday.

7:40 pm: Romo escapes a Redskin swarm and finds Royshonda in the back corner for a touchdown. Royshonda, with one great nail did, does his obligatory Hook 'Em gesture.

Suisham's point after makes it 7-0, Dallas.

7:40 pm: Barbie finds the camera on the sidelines and walks directly in front of it with his hair down for 5 long seconds. It's time to let it all hang out. No more ponytail. He has better crimps in his hair than a junior high girl at her school dance.

7:43 pm: Barbie sneaks in for a tackle on the kickoff return. I don't know if he was there to begin with, but he ended up on top of the Redskin returner. It's gotta be the hair.

7:44 pm: On the sidelines, Royshonda decides to tell everyone about Forbes' latest rankings of the most valuable college football programs. Texas came in at #1 this year. Royshonda enjoyed examining the numbers, but was disappointed that nail and hair care wasn't getting as much funding as it used to in Austin. Kids these days, huh?

7:45 pm: Mike Jenkins wedges his way into an offensive pass interference call and does his incomplete hands. Santana Moss pulled Jenkins down by one of his incomplete arms.

7:49 pm: Jay Ratliff COLLIDES with Jason Campbell and lays him out for the sack. All that potential energy became kinetic in a hurry.

7:53 pm: Haynesworth is double-teamed, partly to protect Romo, partly to protect Gurode.

7:54 pm: London Fletcher gets away with an arm to the helmet.

7:57 pm: Al Michaels makes a General Sherman reference. Yesssss.

7:58 pm: It's finally 3rd down! Bobby down! Dallas sends Bobby on a blitz from the line and gets decent penetration. Instead, Ware is called for holding and it's 1st down again. Boy, if I had a dollar for every time Bobby gets penetration and Ware holds...

8:00 pm: Frustrated at the conversions on 2nd down, Bobby checks out Royshonda's Forbes article on his Kindle.

Bobby: Hey, Roy, does this thing have any filters?

Roy: Nah, man, it's clear.

Bobby winks, then runs off to a corner to see if the Kindle can handle some... mpegs.

8:01 pm: Anthony Spencer is called for offsides on 2nd down. Washington proceeds to convert many 1st downs.

8:03 pm: Bruce Allen gets facetime. Bruce, son of overrated coach George Allen, and brother of George Allen, Jr., noted racial slur-er. Fitting that the employer's mascot is the Redskin.

8:05 pm: Igor Olshansky, strong like bull. This ushers in 3rd down, which means...

8:06 pm: And Bobby takes the absolute worst angle to make a tackle on the running Redskin, then trips. Perfect.

8:10 pm: Felix Jones gets a cool 10+ yards. Thank you, Doug Free.

Apparently, Jones is averaging a cool 6.6 yards a carry, which is 2nd highest in NFL history? Neat. I'll take that.

8:13 pm: Despite Witten's magnetic dominatrix gloves, Dallas has to punt. McBriar booms a good punt far, where it's fumbled out of bounds by hapless Washington.

8:17 pm: Keith Brooking bats down a pass, which means BOBBY DOWN.

8:18 pm: Intimidated by and insecure about the presence of Bobby Carpenter, Washington takes a timeout. Bobby is now a game-changer.

8:19 pm: Cris Collinsworth makes a Hulk Hogan reference right before BOBBY CARPENTER BRINGS PRESSURE ON CAMPBELL. Bobby mouths, "Nice one, Campbell Soup. No, Campbell Poop," to Campbell after the whistle and runs off. Unfortunately, it's a little hard to read lips when you make really long sentences, so the effect is lost on Campbell.

8:22 pm: Vintage Marion Barber on the carry, more interested in hitting people than vertical progress, but still a 6 yard carry.

8:23 pm: 2 Smiles Austin.

8:23 pm: HUGE RECEPTION by Jason Witten, good for 69 yards to the Redskin 3.

8:24 pm: Romo calls an audible and unleashes the Cerberus head of his choice, Marion Barber, with a draw for the touchdown. Hot. Dallas goes up, 14-0.

8:28 pm: Ken Hamlin makes a play to remind us he's still in the NFL.

8:29 pm: Bobby gets in on a semi-late hit, which are like most of his hits, since he prefers not to make the initial tackle.

8:34 pm: Romo evades a guaranteed-sack on 3rd down and gets a huge 17-yard throw to Miles, who has 3 Smiles Austin.

8:35 pm: Choicecat I becomes a reverse to Austin which becomes a 14-yard loss. Never again.

8:36 pm: Untimely interception off a tip from rough coverage on Royshonda, definitely one broken nail.

8:39 pm: AMAZING. Igor Olshansky and Anthony Spencer team up for a sack on Jason Campbell. Spencer strips Campbell and Marcus Spears falls on it, but the play is under review.

Igor Olshansky, strong like 2 bulls. Anthony Spencer gives Washington a lava lamp that changes colors.

8:41 pm: Washington keeps the ball, but it's 2nd and 23. Collinsworth continues to ride Campbell for poor 3-step drop decisions.

8:50 pm: Back to back receptions by Witten and the magnetic gloves.

8:51 pm: Royshonda breaks another nail, this time by looking away before he makes the catch. Horns down.

8:54 pm: Ah, Smiles! Run out of bounds! Time expires, Dallas takes a 14-0 lead into halftime.


9:10 pm: 6 Smiles Austin.

9:10 pm: Jason Witten, becoming a common shout-out-er to Lady Flo.

9:12 pm: ChoiceCat II, sans Smiles Reverse.

9:13 pm: Gurode down in a Haynesworth-unrelated incident. Taking a breather. Meanwhile, Marion Barber is stopped on a 4th and 1 run, with much help from Haynesworth.

9:17 pm: This has been a relatively quiet night for Bobby. Perhaps the wear and tear of the season, plus the stress, plus the absence of a familiar friend from Oakland, are weighing too heavily on him. Jamarcus, come home.

9:20 pm: Orlando Scandrick absolutely destroys Campbell's back on a corner blitz. Injury break.

9:27 pm: Dallas is slowly but surely marching down the field after being pinned inside that 10. Witten brings it past the 30. Felix follows it up with a nice 6-yard run.

9:29 pm: 7 Smiles Austin.

9:31 pm: Disinterested safeties equals draw play for Marion Barber.

9:31 pm: 8 Smiles Austin.

9:34 pm: Collinsworth: Dallas has one of the biggest offensives lines in captivity.

And Dallas is stopped on 4th and short again.

9:42 pm: Collinsworth continues to point out Campbell's shortcomings. Washington punts.

9:48 pm: You know how the old Roy Williams was known for horse-collaring? I think LaRon Landry is a fan of grabbing the opponent's neck and doing a flip forward. Dirty.

9:49 pm: Tashard Choice is hit hard by Carlos Rogers. Now I think Washington is just trying to injure as many Cowboys as possible.

9:52 pm: 9 Smiles Austin.

9:56 pm: A Suisham field goal makes it 17-0, Dallas.

10:02 pm: Carpenter is in for garbage time, but makes zero effort to get to the runner, since someone else already has him.

10:02 pm: Carpenter makes a so-so tackle on Cartwright. He has to because no one else could get there sooner.

10:04 pm: Great deflection by Bobby!-- wait, that's Brooking.

10:09 pm: Dallas is in full kill mode now, running the ball and going to town on that clock.


10:17 pm: Barbie was in on a tackle, but it was credited to Bradie James, since he probably did more to earn it.

The Washington Redskins have never gone consecutive games without an offensive touchdown against the Dallas Cowboys. Until tonight SO FAR KNOCK ON WOOD.

10:21 pm: Earlier tonight, NBC played Yellowcard. Now they're playing some Strokes. They've discovered my high school cd collection.

10:24 pm: Jay Ratliff picks up sack #2 on Campbell. Incomplete pass on the next play leads to a turnover on downs with 26 seconds left. Game over.

Dallas pulls out another December victory. Apparently we traded September for December.

Dallas is peaking at just the right time and clinches a playoff berth tonight. Dallas can be anything from the 2 seed to the 6 seed. The winner of next week's home finale against Philadelphia will be the NFC East champion. Good night, and enjoy Victory Monday.

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