Sunday, December 6, 2009

Barbie Watch, Week 13

Every week, Alex and Chris track the highs and lows of former first round pick Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. The Cowboys hope to shake off their Vegas rust in their last trip to Giants Stadium. Action occurs in East Rutherford, New Jersey, at Dallas Standard Time, unless stated otherwise.

We join the Cowboys late in the second quarter, up 10-7 with under a minute remaining in the first half.

4:29 pm: Dallas has been turning the ball over a little too much today. Kiwanuka strips Barber of the ball, and as I type, the Giants are within sniffing distance of the end zone.

4:31 pm: Touchdown, New York. Is it the weather?

A quick check of numbers:

Romo is 17/21 for 135: seems to be conservative or contained
Barber has 26 yards on 10 carries: contained

Dallas has had the ball a little over 21 minutes in the first half. 10 points with 21 minutes = very contained.

4:38 pm: Dallas manages to kick a 57-yard field goal but misses. A fight has broken out between the Giants and Cowboys, but Fox decides to roll 1st half highlights and talk over the yells and whistles. In fact, Fox verbally acknowledges that a fight is breaking out, but they don't show it on tv. Are the players nude? Is there also copious drug use on the field? Is it better to stick to clips of angry Dallas wide receivers instead?


Stat check

Romo: 20/24, 160 yards, 1 TD
Barber: 10 carries, 26 yards
Witten: 7 catches, 81 yards
Austin: 4 catches, 32 yards
Royshonda: 3 catches, 14 yards, 1 TD

(A proud Royshonda gave the hook-em sign after his touchdown, no doubt directed to all the Huskers fans in Giants Stadium.)

Manning: 6/13, 90 yards, 1 TD
Jacobs: 7 carries, 2o yards, 1 TD
Smith: 3 catches, 43 yards
Nicks: 2 catches, 37 yards, 1 TD
Manningham: 1 catch, 10 yards

I think Dallas is sleepwalking. Also, the Giants scored their 14 points in a 1:27 span.

WOW! WOW! Apparently, Flozell Adams was the instigator behind the fighting. He went after multiple Giants (Tuck, Kiwanuka) before the mess broke out. Ladies and gentlemen, the bull is out of his cage. He was assessed a personal foul penalty but is still in the game. A united, pissed off Giants team is the last thing Dallas needs right now.


4:53 pm: Hixon returns the 2nd half kickoff and won't go down. Bobby jumps on the pile and whistles blow. Mission accomplished.

4:57 pm: Barbie runs parallel to Steve Smith on a long reception and makes no effort to close the gap. Either geometry wasn't a big deal at Ohio State or Bobby is tired.

4:58 pm: MIKE JENKINS with the interception! One phong is ringing!

5:01 pm: Miles Austin makes a great catch through the middle, clearly one of those secret Las Vegas hotel room plays.

5:03 pm: Okay, that looks like pass interference by the Giant on Royshonda went unflagged. Girlfriend, go 'head and snap that nail. I would, too.

5:05 pm: Luke Wilson is still throwing postcards on a United States map.

5:07 pm: Anthony Spencer is really getting after it. Two consecutive penetrations this drive.

5:07 pm: Barbie in on the tackle! And he prevents Kevin Boss from picking up the 1st down! And as fate would have it, Keith Brooking is credited by Buck & Aikman in the booth.

Upset, Barbie decides to make friendly conversation along the sideline.

Barbie: Hey, Keith, good job on the tackle there. So, I don't know if you knew this, but my Buckeyes are going to the Rose Bowl this year. Tough year for Georgia, huh? Are they even going to a bowl?

Keith: I don't know, Robert, I went to Georgia Tech.

Barbie: Oh, do they play sports there? How'd you get into the NFL from a nerd school?

Keith: Robbie, we won the ACC last night. So... yeah, we play sports.

Barbie: But aren't there, like, no girls at Georgia Tech?

Keith: Girls are trouble, Roberto. All a man needs is his dip, his dog, and good music.

Barbie: Wait, so are you ga--

Keith: No, Robert. I'm not gay.

5:13 pm: Austin makes another great catch for the 1st down. I think the cold weather helps keep things quiet. Like the slow death by anaconda. It helps to slow things down when you're winning, though. Dallas still trails, 14-10.

5:16 pm: Not to be outdone, Jason Witten and his velcro dominatrix gloves makes a strong catch inside the Giants' 10. Witten has over 100 yards receiving today.

5:17 pm: TOUCHDOWN, ROYSHONDA! Dallas leads, 17-14. Fake sweep, Romo down the middle to Roy, who flashes his hook-em sign to the crowd AGAIN. There must be a lot of Nebraska and TCU fans in East Rutherford today.

Wait a second. Is Royshonda flashing a hook-em horns sign, or is he showing off them FOINE nails? Was the great nail-exposure from the UT handsign his motivation to go to Texas in the first place?

5:23 pm: Brandon Jacobs scores on a long scamper into the endzone, but damn if it didn't look like big-time holding. Wade (sans glasses) challenges the ruling, saying Jacobs stepped out of bounds at the 22.

5:27 pm: Nope. Touchdown is good, New York goes up 21-17 on the point after.

5:33 pm: Last-second tip on a Romo pass caps off a meh possession. Dallas punts.

5:35 pm: One more gift from Spencer, another early tackle. End of the third quarter.

5:39 pm: Carpenter in coverage means no catch for Kevin Boss. Better luck next time.

5:41 pm: Martellus Bennett secures a Papa John's Pizza over the middle, but is slow to get up. Fox goes to commercial with the piano theme.

5:44 pm: Bennett was fine. Fox lets us know this by coming back from commercial with a clip of the Fox Robot playing an electric guitar.

5:45 pm: ROYSHONDA GET YOUR NAILS DID GIRL. Huge 3rd down conversion with a long throw to Roy over the middle.

5:48 pm: Nick Folk curves the field goal wiiiiide left. Ugly.

5:53 pm: The Dallas defense looks so impotent on this Bradshaw 25-yard run inside the Dallas 10.

5:55 pm: New York settles for a field goal. Giants 24, Cowboys 17.

5:57 pm: The Fox Robot was just captured and shot by an arrow in this back-from-commercial Avatar promo.

6:00 pm: Untimely intentional grounding call against Dallas here. Dallas ends up punting the ball away to Hixon, to returns it all the way for a touchdown. Giants lead, 31-17.

Oh yeah, it's December.

6:08 pm: I was really hoping December would be different this season. Romo overshoots a wide wide wide open Royshonda for what would be a guaranteed six points.

6:10 pm: Romo decides to throw it to a very short, very covered Marion Barber on 4th and 2. It was over the second the ball left Romo's Vegas fingertips. Turnover on downs.

6:14 pm: Dallas forces the Giant punt and takes over inside their 25 with 2:25 left on the clock.

6:15 pm: Big first down courtesy Royshonda. Babygirl's nails lookin' FIERCE.

6:21 pm: Romo delivers a gem to Miles Austin for a touchdown. Dallas trails, 31-24.

6:23 pm: Dallas pulls an amazing 2 kickers on the field stunt, sends the first kicker on a fake kick one way, then comes back the other way for the real kick. Unfortunately, the ball didn't travel 10 yards before it was touched, but damn if that wasn't pretty. I had no idea that was legal. It's like mixing in fakes when you're shooting free throws.

Apparently, it's not a new move, but it was the first time these virgin eyes have seen it. Now I can show my grandkids this permanent Internet record.

6:27 pm: The Giants kneel the clock away and pick up the win.

Dallas falls to 8-4 with a hell of a December left. Dallas could go anywhere from 4-0 to 0-4 and everything in between and I wouldn't be surprised. As of now, the Eagles and Cowboys are tied for the NFC East lead at 8-4, and the Giants are one game back at 7-5.

Romo had a great day throwing the ball: 41/55 for 392 yards and 3 touchdowns (no picks).

And Royshonda, this one's for you:

Kid Sister - Pro Nails (Bag Raiders Remix)


No comments: