Saturday, December 19, 2009

Barbie Watch, Week 15

Every week, Chris and Alex follow the goings on of former first round pick Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. This week, The Boys head down to the Big Easy for what will amount to a very difficult game, and probably a blowout. All locations Superdome unless otherwise stated.

7:07 pm: Confused as to why they call it "The Big Easy", Barbie goes around polling the local females as to whether or not they'd sleep with him. All say no, Bobby goes back to the sideline crying, and uses his iHelmet to call Kharli Whetstone. "Hey Cowboy," she responds.....

7:17 pm: Coin toss, Saints on offense, preceded by a moment of silence for the fallen Chris Henry, former teammate of Jon Kitna. Kitna is emotional and primed to play an emotional game, probably the game of his career. As typical for both Jon Kitna's career and a Dallas Cowboys december, Tony Romo is still the starting quarterback.


Bobby, confused, thinks Wade just said Jamarcus, and bolts onto the field with an energy not seen since his Big Ten days. Bobby is sent in on 3rd down (along with Demarcus Ware) and contains the Saints. Punt time. Dallas is on pace for a shut-out.

7:29 pm: My goodness. I'm confused....That was Marques Colston in a Miles Austin jersey right? JaMarcus Folk on for the PA and makes it........The comedy has been overtaken by excitement.

7:36 pm: The third down Bobby-Ware combo is wreaking some havok, that's two 3 and outs on a POTENT offense. Bobby seeks congratulations from a still hurt DeMarcus, to which D responds "Go find your lover, his name starts with a J. If you confuse us, I WILL end you."

7:40 pm: Royshonda gets a nail did, and Matt Millen praises him. "He's the same number 1 pick he was when he was in Detroit." nice job, matt.

7:41 pm: 2 Smiles Austin.

7:42 pm: 3 Smiles Austin.

7:45 pm: Choicecat I

7:46 pm: What is going on here? Who are these teams? Dallas marches right down the field and punches it in with a Marion Barber run. Big Flo congratulates Barber with a hard chest shove (Elaine Benes style), knocking Marion down. Maybe Flo is more like the Looney Tunes Abominable Snowman than we realize.

Dallas leads 14-0. Huh?

7:51 pm: Anthony Spencer with a well-timed sack! That's 1 fat naked woman on a motorcycle (Spencer's Gifts? Eh?).

7:52 pm: Once again, Dallas forces a punt. More shock.

8:00 pm: End of the first quarter. Dallas 14, New Orleans 0.

8:03 pm: Royshonda, the best first round pick ever according to our analysts, breaks a nail on 3rd down. We got for it on 4th down, because JaMarcus Folk is busy eating crawfish, but first a timeout is called. Hold please.

8:06 pm: Royshonda gets bumped late by Mike McKenzie and finds his broken nail. 1st down.

8:09 pm: Tony takes another sack, and can't find two streaking receivers downfield. Wade dissappears looking for his shades. Those are some bright lights.

8:12 pm: The second quarter comes along, and the REAL cowboys are back with a jump offsides. Thankfully, the Saints are a giving group, as Colston drops a ball.

8:18 pm: Bobcat in on the big play, and just before the snap he runs to the other side of the play, knowing he didn't wanna get caught up with Colston, leaving Brooking out in the cold. Bobby is in for some trouble after this series....

8:21 pm: Shut-down finesse corner/linebacker Bobby was in on coverage on 3rd down and prevents the Saints receiver from making a play. No flag. Saints opt for the field goal. Dallas 14, New Orleans 3.

8:25 pm: Holding on Big Flo, and we're backed up, and losing our momentum. Meanwhile, on the sideline, Keith brooking is giving Bobby a piece of his mind for leaving him alone against a WR. Bobby started rambling on about how he was right, and Brooking was too enamored with his dip, and how he and Jeremy Shockey should go kiss or something. Brooking walks away to go talk to Buehler, while Bobcat shoots a look over to Wes Phillips as a kind of "I told you so"

8:31 pm: Why is Flozell having such a poor game? Could it be that he's surrounded by women, alcohol, and so much temptation this weekend? Is he screwing up as the ultimate I Love You to Lady Flo? Or is he shouting out to newer women of questionable repute?

8:33 pm: Mike Jenkins drops a pass, and as it hits the ground, he shakes his hands "No, not in this house"

8:35 pm: For the first time this year, Bobby C. is getting picked on, and Brooking is seemingly out of the game. The Cowboys are opting for finesse over skill. The Saints are putting on a show.

8:39 pm: Mike Jenkins ATONES! TD prevented and his 5th interception. Jenkins meanwhile is ticked off, because the pass was completed. no shakes for this one. Also, somewhere, a phong is ringing.

8:46 pm: "It's DeMarcus, with a D! Take that, Bobcat! Go sit down!"

JaMarcus Folk is worried he might have to kick here.

8:53 pm: Hey, JaMarcus Folk just made a FG! That's one pound of broiled crawfish for Folk.

8:55 pm: Halftime, and Brooking manages to sneak off to talk dip with an injured Jeremey Shockey. Shockey meets him at midfield with a congratulatory can of copenhagen, while Brooking offers up a tin of new Camel snus, as a "feel better, you suck" gesture. Shockey, infuriated, spits on Brookings shoes. Brooking fires back, but a bit higher, at the knees. This battle continues through 1/2 of halftime, or as I call it, quartertime. When both parties return to the locker room, covered in brownish smelly spit, there were varied reactions. The saints think Shockey got beat just like they were, meanwhile, Wesley Phillips and Bobby C. know exactly the ploy Keith was using. The cowboys now have the saints secret juice, though it is covering the body of Keith Brooking. To no suprise, Bobby volunteers to clean him off and collect the juice. The rest of the team sits there disgusted. Who knows what this means for the second half, but it sure is intriguing.

9:10 pm: 5 Smiles Austin.

9:13 pm: Don't eat off the OGLETREE.

9:14 pm: John Phillips, the 3rd cousin.

9:21 pm: Dallas eats 7 minutes off the clock and punches in another Marion Barber touchdown to go up 24-3.

Bobby, meanwhile, has successfully isolated the Saints' secret chemical weapon from Shockey's dip and is preparing a batch for the team on the sideline.

9:25 pm: Spencer gets a sack on Brees, but it's canceled out by Scandrick's hands to the face. On the very next play, Spencer gets his sack back. One fart machine, courtesy Spencer's Gifts.

9:27 pm: Jenkins gets a text on his phong. Incomplete hands.

9:33 pm: 6 Smiles Austin. And a sweet 1,000 yards receiving.

9:36 pm: Bobby C is jacked up and ready to go back into the game, and remind Devery Henderson about just how big his dropped TD was. Meanwhile, David Buehler is still plotting to get Bobby back for that one pass against Colston in the first half. Brainstorming Buehler thinks Colostomy bags.... You know, 'cause it's kinda close to Colston.

9:43 pm: Bobby C, with Jenkins out, shows his finesse. He doesn't get a text to his phong, but does have incomplete hands.

9:45 pm: Bobby Carpenter played every snap on that drive, with Brooking still in the special sauce strainer, and NO scores its first TD. 24-10 Cowboys. I fear the comeback.

9:51 pm: Don't eat out of the ogle-orchard.

9:55 pm: Royshonda just broke his THUMB nail on that third down. A collapse is looming.

10:03 pm: A collapse looming, Buehler gets a grand idea. With Bobby now on the sidelines for some time, he grabs his recently frozen colostomy bag and heads towards our hero. After a short time of convincing Bobby to stick his tongue out and kiss a Saints fan for good luck, he quickly exchanges the fan for the bag, and Bobby's tongue sticks fast. Embarassed, Bobby sits next to Royshonda and turns on his iHelmet speakers. They blare "All By Myself" not seeing the irony.

10:09 pm: 7 smiles for Austin, and John Phillips, 5th cousin.

10:16 pm: Nick Folk has officially just been cut.

10:19 pm: Jason Elam and Martin Gramatica have just been contacted by Jerry Jones. Billy Cundiff is sitting at home screaming at Parcells for ever cutting him.

10:25 pm: After a few impotent pass rushes, someone on Dallas finally disrupts Brees-- one more gift from Spencer! Enjoy the vibrating cucumber, New Orleans.


10:32 pm: And with the Ware stunt, this game is over. Dallas escapes New Orleans with a win and stays alive for one more week, meaning Dallas can have one more week of bipolar fandom. Also, Dallas ruins New Orleans' hopes for perfection. I smell a night of partying on Bourbon Street for Bobby and Jamarcus, who skipped this week's team meetings to buy beads in bulk.

Also, Nick Folk isn't allowed to board the team charter home. He has been told he must either steal a car and drive home to prove his manliness, or enroll as a continuing education student at Grambling. Best of luck, Nick. Good night.

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