Thursday, November 26, 2009

Barbie Watch, Week 12

Every week, Alex and Chris track the highs and lows of former first round pick Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. The Cowboys celebrate Thanksgiving with a home game against the Oakland Raiders. Action occurs in Arlington, Texas, at Dallas Standard Time, unless stated otherwise.

2:36 pm: Barbie emerges from a luxury suite restroom a bit queasy. In a show of manliness, our Barbara devoured an entire turducken BY HIMSELF during pre-game meetings. Whatever it takes to repair his reputation after the halftime scalping from David Buehler.

3:16 pm: Happy thanksgiving everyone. Buehler, in order to keep Bobby out of the game, kicks the ball out of the endzone. That's one think to be thankful for.

3:27 pm: Cowboys get a LOOOONG pass to Miles Austin, only to penalize themselves out of points. It looks like it's gonna be that kind of game. Meanwhile, Bobby sulks on the sidelines while Buehler's girlfriend braids his hair. He mumbles "Yes master" everytime Buehler walks by.

3:34 pm: Bobby has yet to be seen on the field, meanwhile JaMarcus Russell has been seen roaming around the enormous Cowboys Stadium, reportedly asking "Where's a turkey? I need a damn turkey. It's thanksgiving. We shouldn't be playing football anyway. Good thing I'm watchin'."

3:39 pm: Bobby still not on the field, but rather showing JaMarcus the cheesesteak sandwiches in the food court in the party pass plaza. JaMarcus, a big man wearing an Oakland uniform, is excused for a displaced Raider's fan, since he's pigging out on beer and red meat. Meanwhile, Bobby is welcomed with familiar and open arms by the drunk fans who love the idea that they know an NFL player, regardless of his shittiness. Bobby lets a smile sneak through his workmanlike demeanor.

3:43 pm: With another 3rd and medium, Bobby is again not needed on the field. Bobby asks JaMarcus about the gameplan, and with a full mouth, JaMarcus responds "fucked if I know." Bobby then realizes he has found his kindred spirit, he give JaMarcus a 10spot and tells him to buy another cheesesteak. Bobby goes hunting for a new iHelmet, Raiders edition.

3:47 pm: Choicecat I for somethine like 60ish yards. Amazing.

3:50 pm: Penalties stall another Cowboys drive, along with seemingly preferential calls towards the Raiders. Luckily, Nick Folk nails it through. 3-0 Cowboys.

3:52 pm: Another touchback for David Buehler, riding high on his lack of Bobby. Meanwhile, JaMarcus is presented with a brand new iHelmet, complete with mechanical eyepatch and a preloaded "Cooking for dummies, the multimillionaire edition." JaMarcus is brought to tears, and Bobby opens his arms and encourages him to "hug it out."

4:02 pm: Choicecat II. No gain. Meh.

4:06 pm: Felix gets one cat in the bag. Touchdown. Bobby sighs, starts downfield for a kickoff coverage. Buehler can't boot it everytime, and has surely noticed his abscence. JaMarcus watches Bobby walk off, and reaches out, hand full of chedder, and asks "Will you come back for me?" Bobby turns around and says, "Every time I have a choice, I'll always choose you. I have to go make a call."

A.J. Hawk is about to be very dissapointed.

4:13 pm: Bobby is finally in on 3rd down, and Bruce Gradkowski runs for a first down. Bobby is seen with tears in his eyes, and JaMarcus is in the concourse eating 3 bratwurst, singing "All By Myself" through a waterfall of tears. Buehler is beginning to take notes on the interaction. A halftime plot to follow?

4:18 pm: Bobby in again, and Spencer gets his first sack of the season. Bobby drops back into coverage, and after the sack, pounds his heart twice, and points up to the burger stand. JaMarcus understands, and grabs his 35million guarenteed and heads up.

4:22 pm: Royshonda gets 1 nail did.

4:23 pm: Nick Folk has missed 3 of his last 4. He's begging to get Vanderjagt'd. Buehler laughs maniacally on the sideline, whilst on his laptop. JaMarcus apparently forgot to download Norton for his iHelmet. Being a Raider, they only sell the Windows-based edition.

4:27 pm: Bobby in once again on 3rd down, but the pressure gets to him. Bobby has yet to have a pass come his way, to which JaMarcus responds, "Don't worry, Bobcat, I'd throw you at least 3 interceptions. What're friends for?"

"Not friends, JaMarcus. Best friends. Forever."

In related news, AJ Hawk is on a plane to Dallas from Detroit with the Reality-TV-hit show "cheaters."

4:39 pm: Hanging out on the party pass plaza with his new BFF, Bobby talks to Jamarcus between bites of pizza.

Bobby: Hey Jam, do you think Miles looks like Obama?
Jamarcus: Yeah, lil bit.
Bobby: You know, I voted for Obama.
Jamarcus: Cool.

Meanwhile, the touchdown is called back. Of course, that means more pizza time.

4:42 pm: Never mind. The Cowboys made sure Miles got his touchdown after all. Dallas leads, 17-0, and Royshonda ain't happy.

4:48 pm: Halftime, and the teams head to their respective locker rooms. All at least, except for two players. JaMarcus quickly iHelmet-texts Bobby to stay behind and look up at the MEGA-tron. Daughtry is setting up, and the lights suddenly go out. In the middle of the commencing panic, a montage begins to play, with "Wind Beneath My Wings" playing soulfully underneath a series of pictures of JaMarcus and Bobby hanging out during the game. There was the cheesesteak, the brats, the hamburgers, all the good times. The montage ends, and JaMarcus is seen on screen and says "Bobby, I have only known you for 30 minutes of football, but I feel like I've known you my whole life. Thank you for the hospitality. I may have lost my job, but I have gained the friend of a lifetime.

The lights switch back on, and Bobby notices a number of cameras around him, and AJ Hawk screaming and rushing towards him. Bobby turns to run, and heads directly into Joey Greco, host of Cheaters. Bobby has nothing to say.

AJ responds by screaming "Do these ponytails mean nothing to you?! All we went through together?!"

Bobby pauses, turns around, then rips out his flowing ponytail and screams, "It's fake, AJ! My friend David Buehler cut it off last week. We're done. I was going to call you...but....You were busy celebrating, and I didn't want to ruin it."

Bobby runs off to be with JaMarcus in the nosebleed section, AJ is seen walking back to his plane with tears in his eyes. The crowd applauds wildly. This was WAY better than the Jonas brothers.

5:10 pm: Bobby rolls into the locker room right as the meeting is winding up.

Wade: Robert, do you mind telling me where the hell you were during halftime?
Bobby: Well, uh, I, I was ... okay, I was gone.
Wade: Where?
Bobby: Six Flags.
Wade: What? Are you kidding me?
Bobby: No, here, I took this picture with Jamarcus as we came down Splash Mountain.
Wade: So you were just hanging out with the opposing team, across the street, instead of doing your job? Instead of being in the meeting? Son, what is in your head?
Bobby: Coach P...
Wade: Grab some bench, Bobby. You'll learn the hard way. Buehler is gunning for your job and I'm not so sure he's not my favorite.

5:19 pm: Igor Olshansky, strong like bull.

5:22 pm: Terence Newman stops a scrambling Gradkowski deep in Dallas territory. Dave Campo immediately pulls the ref over and suggests Newman led with his helmet. No call.

5:35 pm: Bobby is out of the game, and our sideline reporter/JaMarcus are both out with a food coma. BRB guys, Bobby will be back soon.

5:39 pm: Bobby falls on the tackled Raider. If the stat guy blinked, he might just credit Bobby with half a tackle.

5:45 pm: Choicecat III

5:47 pm: Royshonda gets his 2nd nail did, along with 1/2 a pedicure with the TD.

5:49 pm: Buehler with another touchback, and with the roar of the crowd JaMarcus wakes up next to 3 cheesesteak sandwiches and Greg Ellis' wife. Apparently she though, given his size, he an Greg were one and the same. "Better get out of here" JaMarcus thinks, "I've been sacked enough this season."

6:00 pm: Patrick Watkins bodyslams Jonnie Lee Higgins to the turf and gets up doing a turkey dance. JaMarcus salivates and calls Bobby. The obediant and subserviate Bobcat fries up a bird and gets McBriar to punt it to the nosebleeds for JaMarcus. Instead of catching it, JaMarcus swallows it whole. Word is that's why Bobby loves him.

6:04 pm: Bobcat down, again he is untested. after the play he shows love by proclaiming that he's "number 2" in homage to Mr. Russel. Bobby then initiates a google search on his iHelmet on what exactly a "gimp" is, at JaMarcus' request.

6:13 pm: With JaMarcus in bed and Bobby on the field, Buehler asleep at the wheel, this writer is signing off. Also because he has the Lone Star Showdown to attend, but that's simply axiallary. Have a great night, don't let the tryptophan bite.

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