Sunday, November 1, 2009

Barbie Watch, week 8

Every week, Alex and Chris follow the sideline and on-the-field exploits of former first round pick, Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. This week, we're back in Dallas and the Seattle Seahawks come to town. All locations Dallas unless otherwise stated.

11:46 pm: Pregrame warmups, and Buehler's already yawning off the lowly Seahawks. Word on the street is, he went searching this week for the legendary Seahawk, and when he found out one didn't exist, he devised a plan to fuse human DNA, Hawk DNA, and seawater to create one. There's only one thing he's missing, and he knows just the clueless linebacker to take it from.

12:10 pm: Julius Jones is back with a vengance in Big D. Too bad his vengance is good for negative yardage.

12:11 pm: Bobby C. wrangles TJ Who's-Your-Momma just after he gets the first down. Bobby lives to see another play. Buehler bides his time.

12:15 pm: Maybe I spoke too soon? Defense is looking like the Defense of old. Julius Jones is shredding us for big gains. Bobby is soon lobbying for more playing time, all while being stalked by Buehler, who has taken a page from the Dexter Morgan playbook. He has also been seen stroking his mustache deviously.

12:17 pm: Bobby Down, and the pass is thrown right to him. Stephen Bowen LOVES the blog, though, so he doesn't let the INT happen.

12:20 pm: Royshonda Williams is back on the field. The fans have already begun to boo. I think that's Dallas' new favorite passtime, showing displeasure. Let's see if Roy can get more than 3 catches today. My over-under is 2.

12:27 pm: Sam Hurd with the long TD catch and run, and Roy Williams was off the field for the last 2 plays. Intersting. Paying a guy 45 million dollars to benchwarm.

12:28 pm: Royshonda is seen asking Bobby where he got the iHelmet. Bobby walks towards the edge of the sideline to get Royshonda the information, when Buehler pops out and sticks him in the neck with a needle and draws some blood. He has the DNA he needs, now for the kickoffs. Bobby comes back to Roy holding his neck, and Roy immediatly thinks he's been bit by a vampire. "How fortunate" he thinks, "I've always wanted to meet Robert Pattison"

12:30 pm: An excited Buehler makes the tackle. Now off to the lab.....

12:34 pm: Bobby in on the play, and just kinda runs an O-Lineman into Justin Forsett. He'll take credit for that fumble, thank you.

12:36 pm: Royshonda stats: 1 Catch, 12 yards, 3 tears.

12:43 pm: The Cowboys march right down the field for a score. Buehler has to run back from his secret underground lair below Cowboys stadium for the kickoff.

12:48 pm: Bobby Carpenter is seen in coverage, but covers what appears to be another cowboy. May have even been holding his hand. Bobby attributes it to blood loss.

12:49 pm: Bobby chews some Skoal to get his energy and concentration back up.

12:51 pm: Bobby is placed out as a wide receiver, directly over John Carlson and actually has GOOD coverage. Too bad he sapped some coverage ability from Orlando Scandrick. TD Seahawks.

1:06 pm: Field Goal is no good, 14-10 Cowboys. Romo has gone 100 passes without an INT, which is a Farve-tastic miricle. This game has taken a momentum shift. To compensate, Buehler has begun the process of hybridization. We'll see if the Hawk body accepts the hybrid Bobby-DNA.

1:10 pm: Bobby just got a sack! David Buehler has just realized that he accidentally injected hybrid DNA into Bobby, instead of taking it from him. "What have I done....what have I done" says Buehler in horror.

1:15 pm: Flozell gives a shout out to a girl back home. *correction* It was a neutral zone infraction. Flo's shoutout goes unnoticed.

1:17 pm: Another obvious shoutout goes unnoticed. Admittedly, that was a bad call.

1:27 pm: Enthused by Bobby's sack, and the newly ordered iHelmet, Royshonda scores on a slant route. Roy comes to the sideline and is offered some Skoal. Being from Texas, Roy accepts, even though he's never tried before. Hilarity set to ensue.

1:32 pm: Halftime, and the Cowboys lead 21-10. We've seen hybridization, chewing tobacco, secret lairs, and suprising plays by busted players. What will the second half bring? Probably just some of Bobby listening to Coldplay, and introducing Roy to some essential iHelmet apps.

1:48 pm: Igor Olshanksy strong like bull.

1:51 pm: Bobby is back to being Bobby. Misses the tackle and just looks at Julius as he runs by him. "Hey, I think I know that guy"

1:53 pm: Bobby again on the blitz and actually gets the edge. The hybrid vigor is going strong. Buehler is roaming the sidelines with fake halloween angel wings, hoping to surgically attach them to Bobby. The experiment isn't over yet.

1:58 pm: Both Bobby and Buehler are in on punt team coverage. Bobby jogs down the sideline lazily as Buehler is in on the Bob-style tackle, 3 seconds late. This game is throwing all kinds of twists into the expected. Buehler then quickly runs back to the sideline and grabs his wings, and hides in a gatorade container, in hopes that Bobby has to urinate at some point.

2:02 pm: Bobby on the tackle with the screen pass and forces a 4th down. Crayton contemplates whether or not he'll catch the punt.

2:15 pm: Miles Austin catches yet another touchdown pass on the year. This guy is for real. Roy was on the sideline again, listening to "All By Myself" and crying on Wes Phillip's shoulder. Meanwhile, Buehler catches Bobby, and attempts to attach the wings. In the scuffle, there's a mixup and the wings end up on a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. There is now a surgically altered permanent slutty-angel on the field.

2:20 pm: On Bobby Down, Bobby falls into coverage as shut down linebacker and watches the play a few yards away. Bobby's pysche, however, forces a hard hit on Hasselbeck and might take him out of the game.

2:25 pm: Keith Brooking chews some Skoal.

2:34 pm: Royshonda appears to just not understand Romo, or more probably, Romo just doesn't understand Royshonda. Royshonda needs to be pampered. Taken out every once in awhile. You know, be shown that Tony loves him. Maybe flowers. Is that too much to ask?

2:41 pm: Bobby performs his statue move and then just stands around on first down. Fatigue is setting in.

2:42 pm: Hasselbeck tests Bobby, and gets burned. Incomplete pass.

2:57 pm: Bobby wraps up the ballcarrier, and we're wrapping up the game. Have a nice evening, everyone.

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