Sunday, November 22, 2009

Barbie Watch, Week 11

Every week, Alex and Chris track the highs and lows of former first round pick Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. Today, the Dallas Cowboys look to return to the win column against the Washington Redskins. Action occurs in Arlington, Texas, at Dallas Standard Time, unless stated otherwise.

11:58 am: Barbie's iHelmet has been updated with the latest software. The team stretches to radio preset 93.3 FM, which used to have rock, but now features a little too much Lady Gaga to be taken seriously on the football field. Wes Phillips, quality control, increases the volume of the stadium's speakers. Bobby continues warming up to Gaga and howling RAH RAH AH AH AH, ROMA, ROMAMA. No one is amused, but the Eastern Europe gibberish catches the attention of Igor Olshansky. Today, Igor thinks to himself, will be a strong like bull today.

12:03 pm: Felix Jones, just as disappointed with the Redskins' decision to wear MONOCHROME MAROON as I am, takes it to the 35 on the opening kickoff.

12:05 pm: These secret plays to Jason Witten haven't been paying off. Yet. Dallas is forced to punt. The Redskins will take over on their 16.

12:07 pm: Igor Olshansky, strong like bull.

12:08 pm: Seeing the positive effect of Lady Gaga on Igor, Bobby cues up another Gaga hit for the sideline playlist. While Bobby was busy fiddling with his iHelmet, Dallas's defense quickly runs 3rd and inches without him. Mission accomplished, courtesy Keith Brooking.

12:09 pm: Bobby is flustered and storms over to Wade, first criticizing Phillips for "that stunt he just pulled on 3rd and inches," then taking Wade's sunglasses. The metaphor is "now Wade cannot hide," but Bobby was never much for literary studies. Economics? Now we're talking.

12:10 pm: Wade promises Bobby a 2nd down play if Bobby returns the sunglasses. Bobby accepts the offer, but not before sitting down on the bench and crossing/ recrossing his legs a-la Sharon Stone, Basic Instinct. Also: economics, supply and demand.

12:14 pm: F. After Dallas marches down the field, Barber fumbles the ball. Romo dives for the tackle, makes it, and now appears to be injured. Looks like a kidney shot. Commercial break, Bobby's iHelmet cues the "sad piano NFL on FOX music."

12:17 pm: The Redskins take over, but not before a false start. Cute.

12:18 pm: 2nd down. Bobby runs onto the field but Wade pulls him back to the sidelines.

"But Coach P, you promised!" Bobby says.

"I know," Wade replies. "But here's an economics lesson: let the buyer beware. Here's another: get it in writing next time."

Touche, Phillips. Touche.

12:19 pm: Bobby falls into coverage on 3rd down. Jason Campbell avoids a sack and somehow completes a pass for the 1st down.

12:21 pm: The Redskins false start AGAIN. Flo, these o-linemen are NOT respecting your woman.

12:22 pm: Nothing fancy here. Bobby falls into coverage. There is no 3rd down conversion. Therefore, Bobby has done his job.

12:23 pm: Terence Newman shoves Dave Campo on television! What is THIS? Was Dave critiquing Newman's play? Or was he critiquing the spelling of "Terence," which is indeed worthy of some criticism?

12:25 pm: The last time a Dallas assistant was shoved on the sideline (Parcells on Todd Haley), the assistant took a hike. Expect Campo to fight tooth and nail to stay in the Metroplex.

12:26 pm: Romo completes the pass to Martellus Bennett for the 1st down. Bennett has 1 box of Papa John's Pizza.

12:28 pm: Bobby brings up yesterday's Ohio State - Michigan game on the sidelines. Unfortunately, the Cowboys have no Wolverines, so Bobby instead talks the ears off of other Big Ten alums, still using the pronoun "we" when referring to the Buckeyes.

12:30 pm: Dallas punts to Washington. During the return, Bobby is jacked up on a rough hit. David Buehler tells Bobby he lost a letter from his name on the hit-- he is now Obby.

12:31 pm: Wade puts a dizzy Carpenter in on 1st down. Wade believes a bell-rung Bobby might actually be more lethal and less finesse.

12:33 pm: 1 tin of Copenhagen for Brooking on the sack.

12:34 pm: Illegal hands to the face called on Newman. What you didn't see: Campo notified the refs. "This will be a valuable life lesson," Campo mutters to himself.

12:39 pm: Apparently, dizzy Carpenter is of no use on 3rd down.

12:40 pm: Dallas unleashes Blitz-Bobby on 3rd down! Bobby goes unblocked on the rush and.. well, if he were just a few ticks faster, Campbell wouldn't have been able to release the ball for a 1st down. As on all 1st down conversions, Bobby's iHelmet cues the sad piano Charlie Brown music.

12:42 pm: 2 tins of Copenhagen for Keith Brooking on the sack. Brooking shares the tin with Ware. Brooking refuses water on the sideline, no doubt because he has some chew tucked in that lip as we speak.

12:43 pm: Sidenote: last week, Jason Garrett was criticized for not running the ball enough. Right now, Dallas has 12 runs and 5 passes. Keep mentally tracking this.

12:45 pm: Bobby is clearly held on 3rd down, but no flag. Washington kicks a field goal on 4th and makes it. Washington leads, 3-0.

12:47 pm: The unstoppable/ Citizen Eco Drive watch commercial featuring Eli Manning just aired. They only seem to run this commercial when Manning sucks. I like their sense of humor.

12:48 pm: Felix Jones returns the kickoff and looks uninspired. Bobby looks just as uninspired on the almost-block attempt. Meh.

12:51 pm: Jason Witten completes another secret hotel-room play.

12:52 pm: Barber up the middle! Vintage hair on fire run.

12:53 pm: Royshawnda damn near broke a nail on that dropped pass. How a girl 'sposed to look good if she can't get her nails did?

12:54 pm: Offense check: 15 runs, 8 passes.

12:56 pm: Buehler walks over to Bobby and gives him an old sock.

"What the hell is this for? I have both my socks on," says Bobby.

"Here you go, Dobby. You're free now, Dobby," Buehler replies.

"Who the hell is Dobby? What?" Bobby asks as Buehler walks off. "Knock it off!"

12:58 pm: Buehler convinces the o-line to give Bobby their unused socks. Leonard Davis begins to chant "Dobby" at Bobby. Leonard acts like he doesn't know where this reference is from... but he does. Davis fancied himself a Slytherin man, truth be told.

Bobby, now psyched out, is unable to make a play on 3rd down.

1:03 pm: Martellus has 2 boxes of Papa John's Pizza.

1:05 pm: Gurode, injured? Flashback?

1:07 pm
: Now that Dallas is on offense, Buehler phones in a favor to Wes Phillips, quality control. Buehler and Wes begin to hide random articles of issue clothing in places Bobby will look-- the Gatorade cooler, his iHelmet, the big screen, etc. Each article of clothing has a tag reading, "Dobby, you are free."

1:08 pm: Bobby returns from a luxury suite's restroom to find his iHelmet stuffed with an issue practice tee.

"WHAT THE HELL IS DOBBY?" Bobby yells.

Royshawnda walks over and explains, "Dobby is a house-elf from Harry Potter. This slave creature is freed once he receives an article of clothing from his master."

"Oh, that's kind of neat," Bobby says.

"It means I'm your master, dumbass," Buehler retorts as he chucks an issue t-shirt in Bobby's face.

1:12 pm: Flozell shout-out time.

1:14 pm: Bobby brainstorms his revenge on Buehler. He decides to pee in the Gatorade cooler, lifts the lid and -- WHAT? MORE DOBBY?

1:15 pm: Leonard Davis wants to get in on the shout-out business.

1:16 pm: Martellus Bennett has 3 boxes of Papa John's Pizza.

What the hell? So many injuries today.

Also: Troy just called him a very "athletic" tight end. If Bennett is the athletic TE, is Witten the intellectual TE?

1:17 pm: One more broken nail for Royshawnda?

1:18 pm: Nick Folk misses the field goal, wide right. Offense: 21 runs, 12 passes.

1:19 pm: Bobby is in on 1st down and lets Fred Davis run past him.

1:20 pm: Bobby is still in on these defensive plays. Washington keeps making 1st downs.

1:21 pm: Bobby falls into coverage. Cartwright slip out of Bobby's grasp. Someone else tackles him.

1:22 pm: Bobby is unleashed on the blitz, uncovered. He chases Campbell around and forces Campbell to throw it away. So is Dallas just capitalizing on unblocked opportunities, or does Washington not respect the Carpenter rush?

1:23 pm: Delay of game, Washington. AKA 11-man shout-out to Lady Flo.

1:31 pm: Good lord, this is quite a delay. I think I heard Wade drop 2 s-bombs on tv.

1:32 pm: Suisham misses a 39-yard field goal, leaving 10 seconds on the clock. Washington still leads, 3-0.

1:33 pm: And Dallas kneels the ball to go into the half. Washington 3, Dallas 0.


In order to motivate the team, Wade decides to bring some theatre into the locker room.

Wade: Guys, this is ridiculous. We're losing to the Redskins! Buehler, Bobby, get up here.

Buehler and Carpenter make their way to the center of the room. Wade dims the lights and brings a desk and scissors with him to the center.

Wade: Alright, guys. They're Redskins. Like Indians. What do they do to victims? They scalp them. What I'm going to do now is called symbolism. Bobby, son, you're going to be the Redskin here. Buehler, you're a Cowboy, you're just like us. We're tired of being pushed around. This is OUR HOUSE. What we want to do is scalp the injun. Give them a taste of their own medicine. Bobby, set your head on this table.

Bobby, hesitant, puts his head on the table. A hushed silence falls upon the room. Campo pokes Newman and tells him to pay attention to Coach P. Wade takes Bobby's long, blonde hair and organizes the hair into a ponytail.

Wade: Buehler, take these scissors.

Wade walks over to Buehler, hands him the scissors, then pulls him aside.

Wade (whisper): Now don't kill him, just snip off his ponytail. But make a big, dramatic show of it. You know, raise it in the air, scream, stuff like that.

Buehler: Got it.

Brooking runs over to Bobby and tucks a small bit of Copenhagen into his mouth. Buehler raises the scissors in the air, the spotlight directly over him, light glistening on the blade.


Buehler brings the scissors down, Bobby clenches, shuts his eyes, and the team winces. Some look away in fear. Buehler, still screaming, snips the ponytail off Bobby and lifts it in the air.


Buehler grabs a strip of masking tape, binds the hair at one end, and runs around the room, waving the ponytail in front of the team.

Buehler: C'MON GUYS! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Team: USA! USA!


Everyone: TEAM!


1:48 pm: Bobby makes the tackle on the kickoff. Motivation is an amazing tool.

1:55 pm: Bobby shows up a tick late at the scene of the tackle. Converted 1st down.

1:56 pm: False start. Now you're just getting cocky, Washington.

1:57 pm: Bobby blitzes, but Ratliff is the lead dog in the pack.

1:57 pm: Bobby goes right for the ankles on a tackle attempt. The Redskin is down because someone else made a more physical tackle. Washington still has to punt.

2:01 pm: Witten, first down on a secret play.

2:02 pm: After halftime, Buehler secured the Bobbytail under a sweatband and wore it as if it were his own. Bobby walks over to Buehler and demands his ponytail back.

Buehler: Here, you baby, take it.

Buehler tosses it to the ground.

Bobby: Can I at least have the sweatband, too?

Buehler: Sure, Dobby. Here you go, Dobby.

Bobby: NO! Never mind.

Buehler: Oh, so you don't want freedom? You want to be my slave?

Bobby: AGH! Fine, give me freedom.

Buehler: Give me freedom what.

Bobby: Give me freedom... master.

Buehler: Ha. Dumbass. Take it.

Bobby takes the ponytail and sweatband, puts both in ice, and jogs off.

2:04 pm: Bobby runs to the team doctor and asks him to surgically repair his Bobbytail. The doctor refuses. Bobby then runs to the nearest luxury suite restroom and reattaches the 'tail with a little rubber cement and a few hair-ties.

"I hope my body doesn't reject it," Bobby says to himself in the mirror, examining his work.

2:09 pm: Not much action for Bobby on 3rd down. He wants to minimize movement. It's in the best interest of the Bobbytail.

2:11 pm: Dallas offense check: 25 runs, 14 passes.

2:12 pm: One more broken nail for Royshawnda in heavy coverage.

2:18 pm: So we poke Bobby, but it's all in fun. BUT on this last play, I could swear he purposely jogs a little bit slower to avoid having make the tackle

2:18 pm: Okay, here we go. Bobby was called for a hold. Great.

2:19 pm: Igor Olshansky, strong like 2 bulls.

2:19 pm: Thank you. More shout-outs from Washington, this from Fred Davis. Lady Flo is loved.

2:22 pm: Bobby runs a few yards with the Redskin runner. He doesn't bother making a tackle on Cartwright until he sees another Dallas defender with him.

2:23 pm: Suisham makes the field goal attempt. This game's impotence is eerily similar to that of the Packers game last week. Redskins lead, 6-0.

2:25 pm: Martellus Bennett's illegal shift takes away his box of Papa John's Pizza.

2:26 pm: One more shattered nail from Royshawnda. Not because he dropped a pass, but because Miles Austin caught a big pass.

2:30 pm: Huge hair on fire run from Marion Barber.

2:33 pm: You know how Romo once said an interception of his was as good as a punt? Well, his latest interception (on 4th down) is better than a turnover on downs.

2:34 pm: Dallas offense check: 29 runs, 19 passes.

2:35 pm: Why is Dallas playing so uninspired? Even Bobby and Buehler have settled down.

2:38 pm: Bored but politically active, Bobby canvasses the sideline and asks each Cowboy if he is on Team Jacob or Team Edward. Wade lifts his shirt to reveal a Team Edward undershirt.

2:42 pm: Suisham goes wide right on a 50-yard field goal attempt. Wade pumps his fist in excitement. Is this a momentum shift?

2:47 pm: Secret play to Witten and then another Miles Austin-induced broken nail for Royshawnda. Girlfriend, God bless your hand.

2:48 pm: One more round of secret play to Witten and Miles Austin catch. Royshawnda's nails are DESTROYED.

2:49 pm: All this action is too much for Flo. He transfers his energy to Witten and forces Witten to false start. But Lady Flo, Flo still loves you.

2:51 pm: TOUCHDOWN, PATRICK CRAYTON! Dallas adds the extra point and takes the lead, 7-6. Offensive tracker: 30 runs, 27 passes.

3:02 pm: Anthony Spencer plucks a tipped pass out of the air and comes down with the interception. Stephen Bowen on the tip.

3:04 pm: Bobby grabs the nearest Gatorade cooler and dumps the contents on Spencer's head. Unfortunately, ice and random issue gear fall out. BUEHLER!

3:07 pm: The game ends on a Hail Mary attempt. Incomplete. You know it's incomplete because Bobby threw his arms up when it happened. Cowboys win, 7-6 and finish with 33 runs, 27 passes.

The Cowboys move to 7-3 and prepare for the Oakland Raiders on Thanksgiving. Will there be a victory Monday tomorrow? Will Bobby find a way to permanently reattach the Bobbytail? Find out Thursday. Have a good rest of the day.

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