Sunday, December 7, 2008

Barbie Watch, Week 14

Every week, we document the appearance-by-appearance career of first round Bobby Carpenter. Today our focus heads to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania (have you heard? Blue-collar city). The game is set to kick-off at 3:15 pm, CT—will it be lasers or Gatorade this week, Robert?

All locations Pittsburgh unless stated otherwise.

SPOTTED, Pittsburgh International Airport, 11:03 am - NFL player with hair in a bun, rocking out to an iPhone blaring Coldplay for everyone around him to hear. He just bought a Gossip Girl book in the airport bookstore. I only assume he's in the NFL because he's wearing every imaginable piece of issue gear. Trying to make a statement, or just adapting to the cold weather? It's not 22ºF inside the airport.
You know you love me.

3:27 pm - Bobby makes his first appearance in the game, simulating the wind by blowing as hard as he can at the ball. To his suprise it works, FG wide right. Expect Bobby to do that on every kick from now on, claiming he has a newfound superpower, the control of weather. Like that hottie Storm, from X-men.

Roethlis-rating on the last series - I'd put it at Roethlis-Shredded Beef Taco. Didn't have many completions, and was under pressure, though never sacked. More to come.

3:39 pm - Special teams means facetime for Bobby. Knowing this, and presented with a 4th-and-short, the Dallas coaches decide to skip the field goal— they're going for it, damnit. A frustrated Bobby sulks on the bench, but enjoys some more Coldplay on his iHelmet.

Roethlis-rating, 3:45 pm - Roethlis- taco. Not Soft Taco. No supreme sauce. Just... taco. No frills. Just the crunchy shell and some meat and lettuce.

3:45 pm - Pittsburgh punts and Pacman bobbles the return. He's looking especially out of it today. The thumping bass from Bobby's iHelmet might be throwing Pac off. The cold weather brings Pac down to earth, though: it's Heinz Field, not Cabaret Royale.

Roethlis-rating, 3:56 pm - Roethlis- wet bologna. Eventual fumble by Heath Miller. We're sinking beneath quality lunch meats now.

3:57 pm - The Dallas D, following suit of the defensive coach, forces that fumble to keep Bobby off the field even more. "I don't even care, like, whatever. Hmph," says Bobby to a gloating Zach Thomas. Bobby takes out a drawing pad and starts to design a helmet mounted laser, with Zach-seeking technology, then laughs to himself, evilly.

4:05 pm - Dallas' offense is presented with another 4th-and-short. Punt? No, Bobby gets on the field. Field goal? No, Bobby gets on the field. So we'll go for it. And it looks terrible. But if the goal is to keep Bobby off the field... well, mission accomplished. Meanwhile Bobby, ever the renaissance man, continues to sketch.

Roethlis-rating, 4:07 pm - I think we've dropped to Roethlis-mystery meat. You don't want it, don't need it, tastes awful, but if mom didn't pack you lunch you have to take it or starve.

4:11 pm - Fox cuts to a sign reading : DANGER/ Hot/ Keep back 4 feet. Only minutes earlier, an isolated Bobby wondered why absolutely no one was anywhere near him. That is, until he stood up and noticed that sign duct-taped to his jersey. Zach and the wide receivers crack up.

Roethlis-rating, 4:22 pm - Roethlis-greasetin. Apparently Noboby likes the extra grease that comes off of the fatty burgers. Except Roeth. He puts them on his hands.

4:24 pm - You can only go for it on 4th so much before people realize you're actually trying to keep Bobby off the field. Bobby races down the field on the punt, golden mane billowing in the wind, and the ball is downed at the Pitt 6. "That's what I'm talking about," yells Bobby to his Midwesterners. Somewhere.

Roethlis-rating, 4:32 pm - Roethlis- bad Chinese food. I know, you're thinking it might be good this time, but it's bad. And then Pitt punts and recovers the ball. And Roethlisberger is just as bad the second time around.

Roethlis-rating, 4:39 pm - Roethlis-leftover meatballs. Not sure what's in the balls. Doesn't taste good. And it's leftovers. Nothing good about it.

In other news, Dallas loves to give away points.

4:50 pm - Dallas ties the game at 3 as time expires. Halftime. Dallas also learns why it's good to hang onto timeouts.

Roethlis-rating, 5:07 pm - Roethlis-sacked lunch. 'nuff said.

5:17 pm - The Cowboys drive for a touchdown, Romo to Owens, and go up 10-3. Bobby races down the field on the kickoff, but doesn't make the tackle. Truth be told, he's a little off right now. Apparently no one else thought it would be funny/cute if Bobby tried to feed TO birthday cake and intentionally missed, wedding style, smearing TO's cheek with icing. Did you know today was TO's birthday?

Roethlis-rating, 5:24 pm - Roethlis-doublesacked lunch, for the hungry blue collar guy.

Also, Bobby was seen running down the field with what appears to be a gooey football smeared over the 54 on his back. Zach was planning to light candles on it, but the wind blew them out before Bobby got on the field.

Roethlis-rating, 5:52 pm - Roethlis-vegetarian burger patty with but one pepperoni slice. I'm starting to doubt the amount of meat inside it. Pittsburgh benefits from penalties and amazing field position, but go 4-and-out inside the Dallas 2.

5:57 pm - Zach Thomas was injured on the last drive, but Kevin Burnett, who is close with Defensive Coordinator Bryan Stewart, is quick on the jump and doesn't allow Bobby in the game. Bobby sulks, turns on his iHelmet and blasts a little Michelle Branch.


6:03 pm - Okay, that's good Bobby, we're pulling you out for Bradie, he's fine now.

6:03:30 pm - Bobby runs back to the sideline and sees a crowd around a bench... what's going on? Apparently Bobby's iPhone went off while he was in the game. And he forgot to turn silent mode on. So now everyone knows Bobby's ringtone is "Womanizer." Bobby tries to play it cool, denying it's his phone.

6:04 pm - Wes Phillips, in charge of quality control, calls Bobby's cell from upstairs, in the booth. Wes waves, Bobby cringes. This is worse than being a teenager, Bobby thinks to himself. Bobby picks up his iPhone and saunters over to the DANGER/HOT sign, and asks Orlando Scandrick if he'll take Bobby's new Myspace photo. Scandrick obliges.

Roethlis-ratings, 6:15 pm - Roethlis- hot dog. Benji leads the team down the field to a touchdown. Where was this the whole game? Who is this? What kind of meat is this? No one knows.

6:34 pm - And that's the ballgame. Pittsburgh's O plays good enough not to lose, and defense carries them the rest of the way. Pitt wins 20-13, Roethlisberger plays average, and Bobby has a bittersweet Sunday roughing it with the guys today.

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