Sunday, December 28, 2008

Barbie Watch, Week 17

With what may be the last watch of the season, Chris and Alex wish everyone a happy holiday season. Let's watch as Bobby attempts to destroy it.

3:06 pm - With Oakland seemlingly about to beat Tampa, Chicago seemlingly about to lose, it's giving the iggles a chance, if they win, to clinch a playoff spot. Just what they need, something to play for. Hopefully they choke. Something tells me, however, Bobby may have switched Oakland and Tampa's uniforms pregame, because there's no way Oakland wins that game on paper. Then again, we are paper champions. Blegh.

3:16 pm - Bobby Carpenter with the opening kickoff out of bounds. He was going for a suprise onside kick, so switch Jerseys with Nick Folk. Something tells me this is going to be a big jersey switching game.

3:19 pm - Andy Reid, meet shaver. It looks like someone needs a trip to Gillete field for a good shave. No word on if Bobby C just pasted it on pregame as a joke.

Also, a fumble. Bobby is taking credit with his new laser-pointer with a sniper-sight. Apparently even Bobby wants to get into the playoffs.

3:24 pm - The Cowboys, after recovering the fumble, go 3 and out, in typical, game starting fashion. Bobby, once again sitting out this week with a "calf injury," is playing the new Crash Bandicoot Racing application on his iHelmet, with new Visor/digital screen. The coaches think he's paying attention, even cheering for his team, and Bobby is happy, not bothering anyone, throwing different explosives at animated go-karts.

3:27 pm - Keith Davis goes down with a knee injury, completely depleting our safties, as he was our 3rd stringer. Bobby hears something about injury, pops to his feet and begins to run to the coach, when he sees Wes Phillips eye him, clearly thinking, "I thought you were injured, Bobby...
Bobby then immediatly pulls up on his left leg, (hoping that it was his left leg he told the team was injured so he could go laser-light-show shopping during practice) and limps back to sit down. Another wasted opprotunity.

3:30 pm - This game is getting ugly quick. We have no buisness being close. And that's sad to say 6 minutes into the game. And on top of that, we don't need Bobby to help screw this game up for us. So much for intensity. This team looks like it just doesn't give a damn.

This is a team that wants to go home? Playoffs? Who cares, we're getting paid anyway. Where's a Jimmy Johnson when you need one. I've been a proponant of Wade since he was hired, but these last 2 weeks, I think I'm jumping on the "fire the bumpkin" bandwagon. This is pathetic.

3:33 pm - Now Bobby's in on the game. Using his iHelmet to communicate with Pacman as coach Phillips, he screams, "TAKE IT OUT! GO ALL THE WAY" Thankfully at least one cowboy has a head, and tells him to take the touchback. Question, do the Cowboys get a first down this drive? It seems we've been rather fond of 3 and out's recently.

3:45 pm - That's what you call a bad play call to end a long drive. Fg try for Folk is good. Bobby Carpenter may have stolen Jason Garrett's headset, and called F-16 Z Right Lazer. Which actually is supposed to be a 10 yard backward pass, used at the end of games in case you're playing teams like the Lions and you want to spot them 7 points. Drive stalled, game tied.

3:48 pm - In the field position battle, Dallas is losing. In the worthless player battle, Dallas is ahead by 4 or 5. Bobby counting for 3, claiming to be a Special teams, defensive, and offensive ace. As it turns out, he's just mostly offensive.

NOTE FROM THE WRITER: Congratulations to the NFL Franchise Detroit Lions, who know own their first NFL record.

3:54 pm - As a proud former Lion head coach, Marty Morhinweg, calls a long pass play to a running back, as an homage to what could have been.

3:58 pm - The downfall of the Cowboys is becoming official with every minute that ticks off the clock, and we all know who to blame. The entire set of defensive coaches glares at Bobby, as if to say, "If you had just panned out and played like a 1st round pick, we wouldn't be in the situation."

Bobby is too busy filling Zach Thomas' shoes with shaving cream to notice.

4:04 pm - This is slowly but surely turning into a game that I want to leave at halftime. The offense is awful, defense undisciplined, and special teams has been bad all year. The mental mistakes are absolutely incredible. It really is time for a firing.

4:08 pm -Bradie James shows up in a BIG way. Bobby has started to grow a playoff mustache, ala Andy Reid's playoff beard. Because it's Bobby, it probably will just end up in failure, or sitting on the bench after the game, crying, wishing Parcells were still the coach. For once, Bobby, a cowboys fan agrees with you.

4:13 pm - This gameplan is becoming redundant, as Romo apparently can no longer hit open receivers. He was playing much better with that splint. Since it's come off, he has been awful.

Maybe Bobby slicked the ball up with chicken grease, a stunt he first pulled in the 2006 playoffs, before a crucial FG to pull ahead of Seattle for the first playoff victory in, then, 10 years.

4:21 pm - It appears that this game was over before it ever even started. The Cowboys don't want it. The eagles do.

4:23 pm - 17-3. Ball game. Nobody cares but Terrell Owens. This team just got dominated, and there's 2 minutes left in the first half.

4:26 pm - After a very pretty return, Bobby wanders over to Jason Garrett and wonders aloud why pacman isn't on offense. Wesley Phillips is called on the red phone, and the Bobby-net is deployed. Filled with numerous iTunes giftcards, Bobby will be contained for the next 10 or so minutes buying frivolous apps for his iHelmet. Maybe he can find an NFL automatic Offensive Coordinator, because we need a new one.

4:31 pm - Choke. An absolute choke. Question, for anyone who knows. Has Romo completed a pass this december that traveled in the air more than 10 yards? I can't remember one.

4:33 pm - There's the discipline. Now, instead of a FG, we may be spotting the eagles a free 7 points. However, that may be a bad call. Either way. This team is having a bad case of Bobby Carpenter Flu.

4:40 pm - 24-3 at what amounts to halftime. This is the most depressed I've been since the 42-17 rout the Saints gave us in 2006. Both teams now have a bad case of "We're entitled, hand it to us" and the NFL saying, "No."

I apologize for the lack of Bobby, but in the spirit of the blog, I'm just following the total ineptitude of the entire Cowboys organization in December. Chalk it up to 9 straight season finale losses. It's almost enough to make one not want to be a fan. Here's to next year.

4:41 pm - Doug Fejer: "I hope he doesn't fumble"

Pacman: "Whoops."


I'm turning the game off.

See you next year.

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