Thursday, December 4, 2008

JaMarcus Bust Watch, Thursday Night Football

We're back, and to celebrate our glorious return, we give you a Thursday Night Football special edition JaMarcus Bust Watch. All places San Diego.

7:04 pm - Let it be known that lists JaMarcus at a svelte 260 lbs. Something tells me that's a few big macs too light. If anyone has seen dear JaMarcus tonight, it's clear he might be pushing 300. Maybe those reports last offseason weren't so inaccurate afterall.

7:10 pm - Never. Ever. Ever. Should a high school accapella group be allowed to sing the national anthem on television. This is intolerable. Though, the fat asian chick is front is making JaMarcus salivate for his favorite pregame snack, Orange Chicken from Panda Express.

7:14 pm - A question for the readers: Who weighs more, JaMarcus or Sebastian Janikowski?

7:20 pm - The answer, though suprisingly VERY close, is JaMarcus. He is listed at 260, with Sebastian listed at a healthy 250. I wonder if it drives Tom Cable crazy to know that 2 of his heavier players are unable to throw that weight around on a line somewhere.

7:23 pm - Al Davis is seen giggling with a new laser pointer he received in an envelope, with the return adress only reading "THE Ohio State University"

7:26 pm - Al is already putting that laser pointer to good use. Playing a game with himself to see if he could always keep the laser on the ball, Al's shaky hands cause the pointer to go directly into JaMarcus' eyes, causing him to lose his receiver and fumble the football. San Diego ball. Evil Laughs are heard eminated from somewhere near Dallas...

7:28 pm - JaMarcus goes back to face his coaches. "What happened, JaMarcus?" "I lost sight of the pocket, and dropped the football." "Look, you just can't drop the football. Pretend it's a big turkey leg. And your little cousin wants it. Don't let it go."

"Ok, Coach, but these footballs don't taste much like turkey...."

7:31 pm - Another question, readers. How many of the 11 defensive starters for the Chargers weigh more than JaMarcus Russell?

7:37 pm - The Raider's second drive stalls, but not before getting one of those coveted first downs. Game Summary: First Downs - 1, Completed passes -2, Hunger Level - 7 out of 10. JaMarcus is seen glaring at Head Coach Tom Cable. Sources are reporting he's imagining Tom as a large T-bone steak.

7:40 pm - Two straight false starts by the Chargers, and it seems Al Davis has found a new use for his laser pointer. When shone in the face of big men, they move. Sources are unsure as to whether Al Davis has put two and two together to find that it could actually benefit his team.

7:49 pm - To answer the previous question, right now the total is 4 defensive starters for the Chargers are heavier than JaMarcus, with Linebacker Shaun Phillips outweighing him by a mere 2 pounds.

7:54 pm - Al Davis has fallen asleep for his first of many naps during the game. It is expected that the rest of America will soon follow with the Chargers running away with this one.

8:01 pm - With that last pass, I'm seriously wondering if JaMarcus had a good coach, or even coaching stability, if he couldn't be a star. That last throw was amazing. Too bad he's doomed to such a bad organization. Also, that he's doomed to follow the Hefty Lefty in a rather short line of largely overweight Qbs.

8:03 pm - Of course, the second I start to praise him, JaMarcus puts me back in my place, throwing an awful interception to San Diego. Word is, the team caterers made a mistake, and brought the Capri Sun and Oreos for after the game a bit too early. JaMarcus got hungry.

8:18 pm - This game is getting old quick. And the ineptitude of the Raiders organization as a whole is appalling. From a 1st and 10 easily in FG range, they get themselves into a 2nd and 35 situation. Like I said, this game is getting old, and I'm gonna have to take it out, old yeller style. This watch is over. I can't continue watching this game, even if it's for humor's sake.

Goodnight everyone.

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