Friday, August 21, 2009

Barbie Watch: Preseason week 2, and the Opening of God's House

Every week, Alex and Chris track the statistics and antics of former first round pick Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. Tonight, he faces off against the Tennessee Titans in the preseason home opener. Expectations are high in 2009. All locations Arlington unless stated otherwise.

6:38 pm:
Issues are already arriving here at the new stadium, with Titans punters hitting the video board with their punts. Angry at taking his spot on punt team, Bobby is rumored to have spent his entire rookie signing bonus to lower the video board 10 feet to interfere with David Buehler's extraordinary kickoffs.

7:05 pm: Bobby Carpenter plays the national anthem? And cut his hair? How embarrassing....

7:12 pm: Bobby sees his first action back in his old position on punt team. He ends up around the tackle, but most definitely not in on it. He's such an important member of the team, he didn't want to get himself injured.

7:14 pm: Bobby sees his first action on defense on the third down set. Kevin Burnett is behind his television laughing.

7:25 pm: As the Cowboys' offense dinks and dunks down the field, Bobby finds any excuse to use the restrooms. Only marginally more knowledgeable about the new stadium than the ushers, Bobby can get away with 15-minute intervals for exploration. Carpenter finds the "giant video screen" room and lowers the monitor just one more inch. No one will notice. Except Buehler.

7:34 pm: Buehler kicks off after the Cowboys score the first touchdown of the game, going up 7-0. His kick narrowly dodges a low-hanging RGB cord and sails down the field. Bobby ends up near the returner in a mass of humanity, but fails to make the tackle. In fact, he just kind of stuck his arms out and.. eh, can't reach--essentially challenging the new "special teams headhunter" David Buehler to live up to his billing. Buehler is beat to the punch by Sensabaugh. But he got there.

7:40 pm: Keith Brooking, in an act of extreme friendship, got in Wade's ear and told him Bobby is a superior player, and the defense needs more finesse. Bobby was granted at least a series with the starters, while Brooking takes his puppies for a walk and slaps a bag of chew in his Georgian mouth.

7:50 pm: Is it just us, or is Flozell Adams looking more statuesque this season? Svelte, even?

8:03 pm: Anthony Spencer brings the heat and puts pressure on Kerry Collins. That's what the TV shows. Who brought the heat from the left? Ol' chargin' 54, our Barbie, of course. Brooking, meanwhile, added the TBS app on his BlackBerry--for Atlanta Braves updates and Tyler Perry webisodes.

8:17 pm: Bobby has been curiously absent for the last 15 or so minutes of the game. Pam Oliver caught up with him grabbin a gourmet Kobe Beef burger and taking a seat on the 50 yardline to enjoy the hypnotizing show put on by the 60 yard screen. He gave his jersey to a 3 year old fan, in order to more adequately fit in. He is, however, still wearing his shoulder pads and helmet.

8:20 pm: You may be wondering why FOX and the referees are having issues with their microphones. Unfortunately, New Cowboys Stadium is not yet equipped to handle the technological demands of microphones and Bobby's iHelmet. Nothing goes better with football than Bobby's March 2008 Maxim Russia podcast.

8:21 pm: Touchdown, Titans, now up 10-7. Dallas' walkie-talkies have been screwed up all night and the defense suffers for miscommunication. Why? Well, interference from Carpenter's iHelmet, of course (crazy Maxim Russia spring break podcast).

8:34 pm: Halftime. Cowboys are up 14-10. If you're keeping track from home, yes, that long-flowing golden mane was right there on the kickoff, just in case the Titan decided to run the ball in after the whistle.

8:49 pm: Bobby is back, in on the tackle late, just throwing it in for some umph. More notable, he's playing alongside new BFFL Keith Brooking. Inside sources tell us that they share dip in between plays, and discuss the future of the buckeyes.

9:04 pm: The punt from Jeff Trepasso hits the scoreboard. Bobby's plan once again fails to affect the intended player and instead benefits the Cowboys. Maybe it is a good thing we kept him. Also, Bobby is now in the game for at least the next quarter, and his effect is still nil. Bobby, having never chewed dip before but wanting to seem cool to his new friend (Brooking), is reportedly having a Sandlot moment, when the kids are on the spinning hat at the fair. Watch for a McNabb style hurl.

9:09 pm: Also, Flo managed to exit the game without a false start penalty. Is there trouble in paradise?

9:10 pm: Bobby throws up in the men's room all over his football jersey. Just like homecoming. He swears to never use tobacco products to impress new friends again. Just like homecoming.

9:14 pm: Bobby's compromised sense of balance shows up as he stumbles into the Titan runner. Meanwhile, who is this #52?

9:30 pm: If you're wondering if Bobby is still in--yes, but he only shows up two seconds after the whistle is blown. Try the same trick at home on each play.

9:33 pm: On the biggest play in Barbie's short career, he stops the inVince-able one for a loss on 3rd down. Way to pump that fist, Bob.

9:45 pm: Bobby is officially done for the night. Thanks for following along. We're gearing up for 2009. Get ready for some fireworks, followed closely by laser light shows and gatorade baths.

PS: 9:47 pm: Matt Stewart has been identified as #52. In uniform, he is nearly indistinguishable from Bobby. Stewart comes up with the interception and runs back to the sideline for congratulations and slaps from coaches and teammates--but everyone addresses him as Bobby. Meanwhile, the real Bobby stews off to the side, upset that someone else is stealing his thunder, cramping his style, and receiving credit for it. Luckily, Bobby has just the app for this situation on his iHelmet--with the push of a button, steam billows out.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

When will we see Vince Young?