Sunday, October 4, 2009

Barbie Watch, Week 4

Every week, Alex and Chris track the highs and lows of former first round pick Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. Today, the Dallas Cowboys visit Denver to take on the undefeated Broncos. Action occurs in Denver, Colorado, at Dallas Standard Time, unless stated otherwise.

3:14 pm:
Sadly, no Orange Crush or Brown .. Crush. The Broncos are just in the orange alternates. Dallas receives the kickoff and starts on offense.

3:18 pm: Remembering he's in Denver, Bobby flashes his boarding pass in front of Keith Brooking and cracks his first "mile-high club" joke of the day.

3:25 pm: Dallas can't scrape much together on offense and is forced to punt. Bobby rolls onto the television view (conveniently) after Royal fair-catches.

3:27 pm: Brooking meets Buckhalter for the tackle. "Attaboy, just like we discussed," Bobby yells, trying to get credit and attention for his ghost tackle. This means it's 2nd down, which means Bobby is on deck, posed like a sprinter in the blocks on the sideline.

3:30 pm: POW, 3rd down, Bobby races onto the field. Kyle Orton throws over and past Bobby. No tackle, but also, no 3rd down conversion. Bobby 1, Universe 0. Denver punts.

3:32 pm: Last night, Bobby installed Bose speakers into the Dallas sideline. Why? To provide the Cowboys with some gametime music. Currently playing on Bobby's iHelmet: John Denver - Rocky Mountain High. Wade begins to nod his head to the beat.

3:34 pm: Wade is wearing his sunglasses again.

3:36 pm: Unfortunately, Bobby's iHelmet is on shuffle, not his Denver playlist. We know this because Miley Cyrus - Party in the U.S.A. explodes onto the speakers, along with a chorus of laughter from Dallas' defense. Wade continues to nod his head to the beat for 10 more seconds. Bobby spends those 10 seconds trying to find his iHelmet and change the song. Maybe no one heard...

3:38 pm: Trying to compensate for the Miley mistake, Bobby hits play on the Gwar playlist.

3:39 pm: HOW DID GWEN STEFANI GET ONTO THE GWAR PLAYLIST?! Bobby disconnects his iHelmet from the speakers. It's too risky right now.

Meanwhile, off to the side, David Buehler rubs his hands together with the pride of a scheming schemer. It was Buehler who edited Bobby's playlist, you see, and it's the first of many payback pranks. Buehler 1, Bobby 0.

3:45 pm: 3rd down, aka Bobby Down. Sensabaugh almost picks off the Orton pass, but Bobby may have tipped it out of the way with a perfectly placed dive. "Hey, chief, incompletions mean the other team didn't catch it, right? You do your job, I do mine," Carpenter tells Sensabaugh as they jog off the field. Bobby 2, Universe 0, Sensabaugh 0 (unverified).

3:48 pm: While Bobby was hotdogging it on 3rd down, Buehler turned up the volume on Bobby's iHelmet. I mean way up, like high school house party because your parents are out of town and it's okay if you listen to urban music loud.

3:50 pm: Bobby wants to listen to some more John Denver, so he turns on his iHelmet and immediately slings it off after a terribly loud scare. His ears will only hear a faint whistle for the next 20 minutes. Buehler 2, Bobby 0.

Buehler uses this as an opportunity to dog-cuss Bobby in front of his face, but, of course ... it falls on deaf ears.

Thank you. Thank you. I'm here all week.

3:52 pm: TOUCHDOWN, COWBOYS. Denver has allowed 16 points in 3 games, which means 5.333 points a game. Dallas, up 10-0, has passed Denver's average. This obviously means Dallas is an above-average team.

3:55 pm: Buehler sends the ball into the end zone, preventing any facetime for Bobby. Buehler 3, Bobby 0.

3:56 pm: Jay Ratliff is called for a hold, mostly just to say "I love you" to Flozell Adams.

3:59 pm: On 2nd down, Dallas' defense decides to let Denver get a 1st down. Just to keep Bobby off the field. Dallas 1, Bobby 0.

4:01 pm: 3rd down, Brooking pushes Bobby onto the field (since his hearing will be out for 9 more minutes). Bobby manages to swarm the Denver runner, but only after 2 Cowboys got there first. Dallas 2, Bobby 0.

4:04 pm: The NFL is supporting the fight against breast cancer by using pink today-- signage, uniform accessories, towels, etc.

Bobby slips out of his shoulder pads and helmet to run to the restroom. Buehler capitalizes on this moment and replaces Bobby's equipment with pink equipment. Buehler 4, Bobby 0.

4:06 pm: Andre Gurode is called for tripping-- which is whatever, but you wonder what kind of personal foul Flozell has planned for today's game if Gurode just claimed tripping...

4:09 pm: Bobby returns to his now-pink shoulder pads, gloves, wristbands, and mouthpiece and, irate, marches over to an unassuming Buehler. Buehler then asks Bobby if he hates breast cancer research. Bobby, dumbfounded, walks back to the Gatorade. In pink.

Buehler 5, Bobby 0, but not for long.

4:11 pm: Romo fumbles the ball, Denver recovers. Anthony Spencer misses an interception and Denver scores. Dallas leads, 10-7.

4:12 pm: If there's anything Bobby hates more than being a prank victim, it's being a prank victim to a kid from USC. Bobby is an advocate of General William Tecumseh Sherman and loves him some scorched earth total war. "Fine, Buehler, if you want to play, we can play," Bobby says to no one in particular.

Bobby then spikes the Gatorade coolers with a pre-packaged Ziplocks of urine (on-hand just in case). Carpenter returns to Buehler, knocks the ball out of Buehler's hands, and adds, "the South LOST the war, get over it." Unfortunately, Buehler is from California but is impressed with Bobby's patriotism.

Buehler 5, Bobby 1, everyone who drinks that Gatorade 0.

4:19 pm: After a dozen complaints, Wade realizes the Gatorade has been contaminated and calls his son, Wesley Phillips (quality control) and demands a new batch of Gatorade. Wes can't seem to find any in the locker room or kitchen and has to drive to a nearby Kroger. Dallas, meanwhile, has to choose between urine or dehydration.

4:20 pm: Bobby dares everyone to drink the dirty Gatorade. Everyone refuses. Bobby then pours himself a healthy cupful and downs it, believing consumption of his own urine is sterile (Dallas watched Dodgeball on the flight to Denver). Carpenter then spikes the cup on the ground.

Buehler 5, Bobby 2, hygiene 0.

4:24 pm: Keith Brooking chases Daniel Graham out of bounds and into Bobby. Bobby, spry, hops over it.

4:28 pm: Bobby wraps up Brandon Marshall on SECOND down. Unfortunately, the tackle is called back because Denver tripped a Cowboy. Sigh.

4:32 pm: On 3rd and 20-something, Bobby rams into Daniel Graham for the ghost-assist tackle. Mission accomplished.

4:36 pm: Hearing Robert Ayers tackled Tashard Choice, Bobby (cable news sponge) begins to accuse the Denver defense of palling around with terrorists. Brooking explains the difference between Robert Ayers and Bill Ayers, then offers Bobby some Copenhagen.

4:40 pm: Dallas ends up impotent at the end of the first half and goes into the break up 10-7.


4:55 pm: Dallas kicks off to Denver to begin the 3rd quarter.

4:56 pm: Dallas and Bradie James recover the Knowshon Moreno fumble! Or were they just preventing Bobby from getting on the field?

Dallas and Denver 1, Bobby 0.

4:59 pm: Wade is still wearing his sunglasses.

5:00 pm: Buehler points to the scoreboard and tells Bobby, "Hey! It's 3rd down! Get out there, dummy!" Bobby races onto the field, realizes Dallas is on offense, then sprints back before the ball is snapped. Whew.

5:01 pm: Champ Bailey picks off Romo's pass at the Denver-6. Dallas loves turning the ball over almost as much as it loves allowing points off turnovers. Let's see if Dallas holds Denver or lets them score again.

5:04 pm: Dallas' defense allows Denver to convert the 1st down on their 2nd down attempt. Maybe next time, Bobby. Dallas 3, Bobby 0.

5:06 pm: Anthony Spencer grabs Orton's facemask on a sack on 2nd and 12. Again, close but no cigar, Bobby. Dallas 4, Bobby 0.

5:07 pm: Bradie James on a -8 yard sack! I'm sure someone on Dallas tried to get a facemask or pass interference to prevent Bobby and the 3rd down. No dice. Bobby runs onto the field. Dallas 4, Bobby 1.

5:08 pm: Buckhalter races up the left sideline and behind Bobby, who is knocked over by Brooking (who in turn is more concerned with making the tackle than saving a friendship). Dallas 5, Bobby 1.

5:15 pm: Dallas punts and the Denver returner dodges a few tacklers before being taken down. Bobby scratches and claws his way to the downed-returner. Well, crawls.

5:18 pm: With two potential injuries on the field, Fox takes us to commercial with their somber piano version of the NFL on Fox outro-theme.

5:22 pm: 3rd and 1 is still 3rd down, aka Bobby Down. He doesn't appear to be anywhere on the play. His hands must feel idle during road games (no waving to pump up the crowd).

5:24 pm: Someone should track how many 1st down conversions Dallas' defense allows on 2nd down. It's cute if you want to keep Bobby off the field, but 1st downs mean the offense is moving the ball. Not good.

5:25 pm: Boy, that sure looked like Bobby had some pass interference going in coverage...

5:27 pm: Bobby is nowhere near the play on 3rd and inches, but chooses to point where he feels the ball should be spotted.

5:28 pm: Wade's sunglasses are off!

5:28 pm: Dallas prevents Knowshon Moreno from converting the 4th and inches, but Bobby was blocked out, somehow falling toward the Denver side of the ball. Science tells me someone on Denver had to get around him and then push him for that to happen...

5:31 pm: Turns out Bobby was cut from under by an offensive lineman. But he managed to fall back-first into the Denver o-line, maybe as an F-U.


5:35 pm: Another conversion on 2nd down by Denver.

5:39 pm: Bobby falls into coverage on 3rd down and looks absolutely helpless on a tackle attempt on Daniel Graham. Graham just bounces off and keeps running.

5:40 pm: Wouldn't that have been a great punt return for a touchdown by Patrick Crayton? I still think he was an idiot for touching it at his own 5-yard line, but whatever. The play was whistled dead due to touchback.

5:47 pm: Martellus Bennett is called for holding, erasing a good Tashard Choice run. Dallas will not succeed this year with all these stupid errors.

5:48 pm: Back to back overthrows by Romo. Implosion.

5:50 pm: Bobby is in on the punt. He manages to run just close enough to the action to look interested, yet just far enough to avoid getting his hands dirty. Just fast enough to get there, but just slow enough to contribute. He is the embodiment of the generic office cubicle worker. Bobby, Real American Microcosm?

5:53 pm: Igor Olshansky strong like bull.

5:56 pm: Denver, no doubt intimidated by 3rd down Bobby, calls a timeout.

5:58 pm: Scandrick punches the air and is knocked down by the upper momentum.

5:59 pm: I don't know how, but after the Denver field goal, the game is 10-10 with 6 minutes left in the game. Both teams should have scored more points by now, but stupid mistakes make everyone impotent.

6:07 pm: One more converted 2nd down by Denver.

6:09 pm: I can't believe that actually happened. A near-Terence Newman interception or tip is plucked out of the air by Brandon Marshall and taken through a lazy Dallas defense to the house. Denver leads, 17-10.

6:14 pm: SAM HURD, 53 yards! Down to the Denver-20 on a 4th and 3 prayer.

6:20 pm: Dallas sneaks inside the Denver-5 and isn't able to punch it in. Turnover on downs with under 10 seconds left. Game over. Denver wins, 17-10. Is Denver that good, or is Dallas that bad? It may not matter-- the confidence Denver gains from these wins makes them better. But both teams would benefit from fewer penalties and mental mistakes. I hear the Mavericks are getting preseason going...

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