Sunday, September 20, 2009

Barbie Watch, Week 2

Every week, Alex and Chris track the statistics and antics of former first round pick Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. Tonight, the Dallas Cowboys open their brand new stadium with a Sunday night game against the New York Giants. Posting is relative to Arlington, Texas, at Dallas Standard Time, unless stated otherwise.

4:30 am: Rest assured, Barbie spent all summer mastering the floor plans and intricacies of Cowboys Stadium. Instead of getting an honest night's sleep before the home opener, Carpenter finished installing his "Phantom of the Opera" lair in the basement, complete with a hydraulic lift that will elevate him to ground level (at a safe speed, of course). Instead of ruining the field, though, the lift is designed to rip through the bottom of a ground-level luxury suite. This is unprecedented player-fan interaction, another hallmark of Cowboys Stadium.

4:45 am: Lights out. Carpenter spends the night on top of the behemoth-tron.

6:30 pm: Football night in America just showed a brief clip of Tony throwing the football, then glancing up at the video board, with the glance turning into a full on stare. He looked surprised, dumbfounded even. It was then that the famous organ play from Phantom began playing, and a turd dropped from high on the video board directly into the overturned helmet of Eli Manning. Bobby has been awarded "Prank King" by those two guys who do that prank show on MTV.

7:28 pm: Interesting choice making the daughter of former Giant Phillipi Sparks sing the national anthem. An omen of things to come?

7:34 pm: With the first series all for naught, Bobby may have made his first appearance on the punt coverage, however, he didn't show his signature "show up 5 seconds after the play." No word yet on possible injuries.

7:39 pm: Bobby in on 3rd down, and squats in the middle of the field, taunting Manning about his earlier prank. Manning responds with a completion. Bobby goes to the sideline to order some Skoal.

7:44 pm: George Bush: You know who's really funny? That Frank Caliendo. He does a great impression of you. Jon Madden: He does a damn good one of you too. Bush: Could you say Boom! for me? Madden: I'm retired. Could you start a war for me? Bush: Point taken.

7:52 pm: First touchdown at the new stadium. Here we go, Boys.

7:55 pm: Sinorice Moss slips on the wet spot from the prank cleanup earlier in the game. Giggling, Bobby taps him down, 3 seconds after he falls. Signature.

7:59 pm: On 3rd down, Bobby "Jack 'the Assassin' Tatum" Carpenter takes Eli down split seconds after he throws the ball. It's not a sack, but there is potential for injury. Bobby springs up yelling "JUST LIKE LEFTWICH" to Eli, who missed any context that would make that reference make sense.

8:04 pm: Roy shows no effort going for an errant throw, this writer asks if RoyShonda Williams from training camp is back, or if that was all Tony's fault.

8:06 pm: Just like that, Dallas coughs up the ball again on the kickoff return. Are these last two gaffes the twin 80-yard runs Baltimore gave us in the Texas Stadium closer? Are we moving back in time? Keep in mind that's not necessarily a bad thing.

8:07 pm: Barbie realizes we're moving back in time and finds new meaning in his jersey number. Say hello to Bobby "Randy 'Manster' White" Carpenter.

8:11 pm: The first quarter is over, and the Cowboys are knocking on the door of dissappointment. Bobby and his Ohio State Linebacking alumni friends answer, and say "Welcome, did you bring the chips?"

8:14 pm: 3rd and goal puts Bobby on the line, ready to blitz. Right for Eli. Unfortunately, the left tackle has other plans, but Bobby at least gets his hands waving in the air--almost to say, "Hello world, it's me. Bobby."

8:21 pm: "That's a major motherfuckin' facemask. First down bitches."

8:32 pm: Bobby C was in waiting on the tackle for the kickoff coverage, only to play matador to sinorice. Bobby apparently trained in the offseason with bulls to help his strength. His instincts, however, were apparently affected.

8: 36 pm: The Cowboys put BC out on the line again for some deathblitzing. In lieu of Ware. Minutes earlier, Wade told Ware to give up a few plays to Bobby for, you know, self-esteem purposes. Teamsmanship. Morale.

Bobby was stopped by that pesky left tackle again.

8:42 pm: Bobby C on the punt tackle, but he only grabbed a leg. Steve Octavien jumped on top and was credited with the tackle. Octavien is given high fives and gatorade. Bobby is given sneers.

8:50 pm: Flozell Adams: "Take me back, baby. I miss you" with the trip.

9:06 pm: There have been way too many crazy, bad-luck bounces in the first half. The Giants lead 20-17 and have 17 points off Dallas turnovers. If Coach Wade can't motivate these players, Bobby knows what will: sneaking Copenhagen or urine into the Gatorade.

During last night's stadium sleepover, Bobby watched The Dark Knight on the giant video monitor and was taken by one character in particular: Two-Face. Your fate rests on the flip of a coin. Good or bad? Life or death? It comes down to a coin flip.

Copenhagen or urine? Coin flip.

Just to make it more authentic, Bobby proceeds to paint half his face. Well, with eyeblack.

9:22 pm: The Giants return the 3rd quarter kickoff. Instantly, three Cowboys attach themselves to the returner. Bobby was in on it, too. I doubt he gets credit.

9:30 pm: Missed FG by Tynes, Bobby coated the ball in pre-chewed skoal before the snap. Slipped right off his foot.

9:41 pm: I think Barbie just put himself on the post-season cutlist. Carpenter gets called for holding. If it was all in the name of facetime, well, mission accomplished. But I think that's what happens when you put a big guy on a finesse linebacker. Bobby receives the most attention he's had all season from Collinsworth. Wade, frustrated, looks for his Oakley sunglasses.

9:56 pm: Igor Olshansky strong like bull.

9:58 pm: Bobby in on 3rd down, can't run fast enough because his mouth is full of chew-spit. Bobby writes a note to remember to buy the iHelmet spitoon add-on.

10:20 pm: Things have been quiet at the Barbie Watch. That happens when the Cowboys have the ball a lot on offense and find ways to turn the ball over. The Giants then stick to 1st and 2nd downs exclusively, and Barbie is a 3rd down specialist. Well, he was in just now, and his favorite thing to do is pump up the crowd with his arms. The flap thing that means "more noise, please." Barbie then fell into coverage and turned his back to the quarterback. Sooner or later, Eli will exploit that kind of cover.

Wade is still looking for his sunglasses.

10:32 pm: Bobby in on the tackle. I think he took a quick sabbatical to watch the go go dancers in the stadium cages. Word is he offered locks of hair and his left sock for them to strip. They all put on jackets.

10:48 pm: I'm typically a man of faith, but after 44-6, Baltimore, and this game, it's official. The Cowboys just absolutely can not win games that mean anything. Playoff berth, Closing of Texas Stadium, and the Opening of Cowboys Stadium.

No comments: